AMUSEMENTS AT CHELTENHAM. |culated to relieve tedium and increase the charm of The first consideration on rising in the morning at society. Such would actually be the case in any a place of fashionable resort is, how shall the day be other country than this, where the reverse is really spent. The journey thither has been performed for the fact. A starving theatrical company may if a relaxation; and the idea of reading, writing, or think-theatre exists in the place at all) be seen playing be ing within doors, is out of the question, or why have fore empty boxes, or a few strangers, unknowing and we left London? The visitant, therefore, usually de- unknown. A ball now and then, where exclusion termines on a promenade, for the purpose of seeing and stiffness govern every thing, and pleasure is little and being seen. The springs are sadly deficient in more than a name, and a promenade on the same the quantity of water; and by no means, in this re-given spot, constitute all the amusements to be found spect, to be compared to the sweet, retired, and snug in them. A relentless antisocial spirit rules every Leamington, where there is enough and to spare for thing. All look at each other with suspicion. The bathers and drinkers at all seasons, however numerous aristocracy, real or feigned, legitimate or illegitimate, they may become. The walks in the shade of the trees dread coming in contact with the tradesman; and the at Cheltenham are delightful. The constant resi-tradesman often labours to pass for one of the aristodents at these watering-places are made up of a large cracy, and he often labours so well that he can proportion of card-playing old maids, retiring widows, scarcely be distinguished, except by sometimes overhalf-pay officers with a small fortune, and hypochon-acting his part. Coteries are formed, the members driacs. These are to be found at all times and sea of which imagine themselves the most select and highsons, and afford au example how vapidly some of our bred circle in the realmn. The horror of an amalafellow-mortals pass their hours. Small-talk, cards, mation by some of the visitants, even in the streets, compliments, remarks upon the weather, with a with those whom they pretend to despise, is only sprinkling of scandal that serves to keep the appetite equalled by the patient's dread of water in hydropho alive for more, perform the same round incessantly, bia. The pretty faces of the girls are taught by their till life's "fitful fever," is over, and one is at a loss mammas to assume a look of unwonted scorn at the to find any reasonable excuse for the purpose of such strangers whom mixed company may throw in ther mere mechanical existence. There is no better sample way. The silly pretensions of the vain are never so of what may be called stagnant life, than this species strongly marked as in a fashionable spa; and all the of inhabitant of our spas and watering places ex-brood of folly may be seen tinkling its showy bells hibits. Existence seems in a state of negation-they and strutting in inflated inanity of mind in a manner look too vacant for any residence but the shores of Lethe "thought would destroy their paradise" they seem a forlorn corps, exiled from the mass of the people, high or low; a condemned regiment, kept apart from the army to live and die in inglorious obscurity. The other classes consist of sick visitants, whom the healthy seem inclined to expel from their rightful abodes; and the busy and active inhabitants, who draw the means of subsistence equally from all the other classes. very different from its appearance in the general run of our cities and towns. Indeed, the best entertainment for the idler is to watch their workings, from the brainless coachman-aping peer, to the soapmaker's lady of Wapping. Like fantoccini moving along in the same dance, full of self-pretensionnorant, but fashionable coarse in manners, but wealthy-how amusing it is to contemplate such scene: to view it with all its gaily-gilded t quick glancing to the sun," and to read in it one d the bitterest lessons of reason's humiliation, of wartslessness of purpose, that the picture of man's de It might naturally be supposed that towns which have grown up under the pretence of pleasure and relaxation, would abound with entertainments, cal-affords! Cilie! Who are these preachers, men or women-common ! End! How stand they affected to the government civil ? But to the king they say they are most loyal. THE UPSTART. There was a friend of my own,-if we may take his own word for it, a left-handed branch of the Plantagenets, but, when I first knew him, one of the dullest dogs in all Noodledum,-grave as a justice of peace, solemn as an undertaker, and as silent as a quaker deserted by the spirit. Though a high-church Tory, you might have taken the family fireside for a nonconformist conventicle, so simple and unadorned was the conversation: at present, every one of its members might be bound up "to face the title" of Colman's Broad Grins. For you are to know that it pleased heaven, and an eighty-horse powered steamengine, to make a man of a small cotton-spinner, residing in a neighbouring town. This honest tradesman, as he grew rich, grew ambitious. He built a handsome square mansion, which he (being of Cockney origin) christened "The All;" and he turned an oak fence round six acres of meadow, which he dubbed "The Park." He rode likewise in his coach and four, and, agreeably to the dictum of Mons. Cottu, got himself enlisted on the grand jury. Certain pecuniary obligations conferred by old Twist upon my friend Black acre enforced an invitation of the former to the manor-house, which has since grown, not without substantial reasons, into an intimacy; and though old Twist is himself as dull as a post, yet has he discovered to the Blackacres a mine of wit and fun, which in their whole previous lives they had never dreamed of in their philosophy." "Twist's All" stands very high, and commands an extensive prospect; on the very first visit the Blackacres were called on to admire its city-ation; and ever since it has been a standing joke in the family to make old Twist recur twenty times a-day to the cityation of his house, the cityation of public affairs, or the cityation of any thing else, that can press into the service the ill THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER. fated but obsequious polysyllable. The eldest Miss | be very happy; but in my present exhausted state, I Twist has likewise an unfortunate predilection for the fear the exertion would be too much for me. I do French word naïveté, though two hundred per annum not know when I have been equal to such an effort. spent during six years at a French boarding-school (He rang for his valet, Fatout entered.) - Fatout, failed in purchasing its right pronunciation. Some- when did I play at billiards last? times she admires navette in the abstract; sometimes she praises her sisters for their great navieté; but Monsieur.-(Fatout bowed and retired.) most frequently she gives herself credit for an extra Fatout. De fourteenth December, de last year, The Hon. Mr. Listless.-So it was seven months ordinary share of navitie;-so ingeniously does she ago. You see Mr. Larynx, you see, sir. My nerves, go wide of her mark! This little bit of slip-slop is Miss O'Carroll, my nerves are shattered. I have the source of inextinguishable mirth to the Black-been advised to try Bath. Some of the faculty reacres ; the girls take off" the Twists" in every pos- commend Cheltenham. I think of trying both, as the sible mode of malaprop accentuation; and the father seasons don't clash. The season you know Mr. Lainvariably brings up the rear with a customary doubt rynx-the season, Miss O'Carroll-the season is every of the genuineness of the article; affirming that the thing. lady is as cunning as a fox, and that her navietie is, in plain English, nothing more than mere knavery. pas, Larynx ? Marionetta. And health is something, n'est ce In this manner has the spectacle of the inferiority of the Twists roused the Blackacres to a sense of their own wit and spirit. The lapsus linguæ of the manufacturers keep the tongues of the agriculturalists in incessant activity. The incongruities in their dress and furniture preserve their gentle-blooded neighbours in perpetual good-humour with themselves; and old Twist's mismanagement of his land, which he will farm himself at a loss of thirty per cent. has almost reconciled Blackacre to the idea that the ground is no longer his own. SHERIDAN'S ANCESTORS. Sheridan's father one day descanting on the pedigree of his family, was regretting that they were no longer styled O'Sheridan, as they had been formerly; "Indeed, father," replied the late celebrated character, then a boy, "we have more right to the O than any one else for we owe every body.' O'Carroll-for however reasoners may dispute about The Rev. Mr. Laryn.r.-Most assuredly Miss the summum bonum, none of them will deny that a very good dinner is a very good thing, and what is a good dinner without a good appetite? and whence is a good appetite but from good health? Now Cheltenham, Mr. Listless, is famous for good appeutes ever heard. Mr. Larynx, the very best I assure you. Monsieur. (Fatout retired.) fellow that, Mr. Larynx--invaluable, Miss O'Carroll. the fellow. Miss O'Carroll-excellent, upon my bo PHYSIOGNOMY DECEITFUL A gentleman presenting, familiarly, Mr. Penn, the pedestrian, to a lady of his acquaintance," Madam, (said he) this is the queer Penn, that walked against Danvers Butler, and he is not so great a fool as he looks to be."-"Madam, (answered Penn) there lies the difference between him and me." STANZAS TO PUNCHINELLO. Thou lignum-vitæ Roscius, who Thou grinning, giggling, laugh-extorting fellow! At other times mine ear is wrung, And makes the heart rebound with freak and frolic. Ere of thy face I get a snatch, O with what boyish glee I catch I love those sounds to analyze, From childhood's shrill ecstatic cries, To age's chuckle with its coughing after; Then loose their muscles, and let out the laughter. To him a beatific beau idéal; The difference 'twixt dramatic wives and real. In plying thy persuasive wood; Remember that thy cudgel's girth is good, Made legal by the dictum of judge Buller. To cure thy spouse, there's no surprise Thou shouldst receive him with nose-tweaking Nor can we wonder that the mob Thy twittering, cackling, bubbling, squeaking As for our common enemy When thou art feeing him with oaken sapling. gibber Sweeter than siren voices-fraught With richer merriment than aught Old Nick, we all rejoice to see de coup grace that silences his wrangle; That drops from witling mouths, though utter'd But, lo, Jack Ketch!-ah, welladay! glibber! What wag was ever known before To keep the circle in a roar, Nor wound the feelings of a single hearer ? A harmless wit-an unmalignant jeerer. ALd universal shout of merry madness, Dramatic justice claims its prey, And thou in hempen handkerchief must dangle. Hush'd is that tongue which late out-jested Yorick; No longer heaves that paunch before, Which swagg'd with such a pleasantry plethoric. Suffer'd by lignum-vitæ malefactors; And long, oh long may'st thou survive, First of head-breaking and side-splitting actors £ THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER. THE SCRIBBLERUS CLUB. The Scribblerus Club, which consisted of Pope, Gay, Swift, Arbuthnot, Parnell, &c. &c. when the members were in town, were seldom asunder, and they often made excursions together into the country, and generally on foot. Swift was usually the butt of the company, and if a trick was played, he was always the sufferer. The whole party once agreed to walk down to the house of lord B, whose seat was about twelve miles from town. one agreed to make the best of his way, Swift, who As every was remarkable for walking, soon left all the rest behind him, fully resolved, upon his arrival, to choose the very best bed for himself, for that was his custom. In the mean time Parnell was determined to prevent his intentions, and, taking a horse, arrived at lord B's by another way, long before him. Having apprized his lordship of Swift's design, it was resolved, at any rate, to keep him out of the house, but how to effect this was the question. Swift never had the small-pox, and was very much afraid of catching it as soon, therefore, as he appeared striding along, at some distance from the house, one of his lordship's sevants was despatched to acquaint him, that the small-pox was then making great ravages in the family, but that there was a summer-house with a field bed at his service, at the end of the garden. There the disappointed dean was obliged to retire, and take a cold supper that was sent out to him, while the rest were feasting within. However, at last they took compassion on him, and upon his promising never to choose the best bed again, they permitted him to make one of the company. There is something satisfactory in these accounts of the follies of the wise; they give a natural air to the picture, and reconcile us to our own. There have been few poetical societies more talked of, or productive of a greater variety of whimsical concerts, than this of the Scribblerus Club; but how long it lasted is not known. The whole of Parnell's poetical existence was not of more than eight or ten years continuance; his first excursion to England began about the year 1706, and he died in the year 1718, so that it is probable the club began with him, and his death ended the connection. A CATCH. rested by two bailiffs, who requested him to join them A musical gentleman, while performing, was ar in a trio.—“ I should rather imagine (said the ualor tunate gentleman) you wish for a catch." DAILY MORTIFICATIONS IN DRESS. my ancle, and are too wide in the calf of the leg.My shoemaker always gives me boots which pinch His shoes are too tight at the toe, while at the bell am slip-shod. Nevertheless he is called an excellent workman. My tailor, though a very celebrated man, makes me coats which slip from my shoulders; it l button them they confine my breast, though I have a particular dislike to that; but at the bottom they are quite slack, though I particularly wish to have them tight round my middle. Notwithstanding all this every one says how well my clothes are made, kecause they only see, while I feel.-My seamstress, whatever directions I give her on the subject, has a strange predilection for making the collars of we shirts too high, my washerwoman starches them, and all day long they fret me, and rub the skin of ears.- -My hatter takes the size of my head with great small; I order light hats, and he sends me hay care, and yet he always sends me hats which are tas ones; I ask to have the brims made flat, and be seats them always turned up. |