How well he carves !-he's named by will
My joint executor--the papers
Say Noblet's coming to fulfil-

Some mint-sauce, and a few more capers-
Lord Byron's cantos-where's the salt!
This trifle makes us lick our lips;
Angel's syllabubs some exalt,

But Birch is surely best for whips.-
Nice chickens-Mrs. Fry must carry

A tender heart-but toughish gizzardDo stick your fork in-little Harry

Knows all his letters down to izzard. There's tripple Ex-fine calf's head

What's your gown made of?-currant jelly :
Fat Mrs. Fubbs they say is dead-

A famous buttock-vermicelli-
Black puddings-pepper'd-dish'd-Belzoni ;-
A glass of-Probert's pond with Thurtell
Lord Petersham-bad macaroni ;-

She's a most loving wife-mock-turtle.-
Yes, Miss-pig's face-had caught his eye,
She loved his mutton chops-and so
They jumped into a pigeon pie,

Some kissing crust-and off they go. I eat for lunch-a handkerchief

A green goose-lost at Charing-cross; I seiz'd the rascal-collared beef

St. James's-square, called Almack's. The proprietor of the mansion is named Willis. Six lady patronesses, of the first distinction, govern the assembly. Their fiat is decisive as to admission or rejection: consequently "their nods men and gods keep in awe." The nights of meeting fall upon every Wednesday during the season. This is selection with a vengeance: the very quintessence of aristocracy. Threefourths even of the nobility knock in vain for admission. Into this sanctum sanctorum, of course, the sons of commerce never think of intruding on the sacred Wednesday evenings: and yet into this very "blue chamber," in the absence of the six necromancers, have the votaries of trade contrived to intrude themselves. The following are the particulars.

At a numerous and respectable meeting of tradesmen's ladies, held at the King's-Head Tavern in the Poultry, Lady Simms in the chair, it was resolved, in order to mortify the proud flesh of the six occidental countesses above alluded to, that a rival Almack's be forthwith established, to meet on every Friday evening that Mr. Willis be treated with as to the hiring of his rooms: that the worthy chairwoman, with the addition of Lady Brown, Lady Roberts, Mrs. Chambers, Mrs. Wells, and Miss Jones, be appointed six lady patronesses to govern the establishment: that those ladies be empowered to draw a line of demarcation round the most fashionable part of the city, and that no residents beyond that circle be, on any account, entitled to subscriptions. The six lady patronesses, who originated these resolutions, dwell in the most fashionable part of the city, viz. Lady Simms, on Cornhill, Lady Brown in Mansion-house-street, Lady Roberts, in Birchin-Jane, Mrs. Chambers, in Throgmorton-street, Mrs. Wells, in Copthall-court, and Miss Jones, in Bucklersbury. It is astonishing with what rapidity the subscriptions filled; and the governesses of the establishment have acted with great circumspection in confining the amusement to none but their upper circles. The chief members are warehousemen and wholesale linen-drapers, with, of course, their wives and daughters. The original plan There is a dancing establishment in King-street,as to exclude all retail trades; but, as this would

And we both roll'd in-lobster-sauce.
St. Ronan's Well-Scot's collops-fetch up
Another bottle, this is flat.-
The Princess Olive-mushroom ketchup-
His Royal Highness-lots of fat.
Poor Miss-red-herring-we must give her
Grand Signior-turkey dish'd in grease :
Hand me the captain's-lights and liver,
And just cut open-Mrs. Rees.

So Fanny Flirt is going to marry

A nice Welsh-rabbit-muffins-mummeryGrimaldi-ices-Captain Parry

Crimp'd co-crim-con-Crim Tartars-flum

mery,

ALMACK'S ON FRIDAY.

have made the ball rather too select, the scheme was | may look in vain for a renewal of his subscription abandoned. Grocers dealing both wholesale and re- Mrs. Chambers's helpmate is a tailor. A rule bas tail, silversmiths, glovers, packers, dyers, and paper- recently crept into the establishment that no gentle stainers, are admissible, provided their moral charac- men shall be attired otherwise than in the old school ters be unimpeachable and their residences be not too of inexpressibles terminating at the knee. This regu eastward. Some discord has arisen in consequence lation (which is said to have originated with Airs. of black-balling a very reputable pawnbroker in East Chambers) has been productive of much confusion. Smithfield. West Smithfield is within the line of The common attire of most of the young men of the demarcation, but not East; and the exhibitor of three present day is trowsers. These are uniformly stopped blue balls, who has been thus rejected, complains at the door, and the unhappy wearer is forced either loudly that he is thrust aside to make room for a set to return home to re-dress, or to suffer himself to be of vulgar innholders and cattle-keepers from Smithfield sewed up by a member of the Merchant Tailor's in the West. But to squalls like this the best regu- Company, who attends in a private room for that lated establishments are liable. The line of demar- purpose. This ceremony consists in doubling up the cation includes Bow-lane, Queen-street, and Bucklers-trowsers under the knee, and stitching them in that bury, on the south side of Cheapside; and King-position with black silk: the culprit is then allowed street, the Old Jewry, and Saint Martin's-le-Grand to enter the ball-room, with his lower man strongly on the north; but not a step beyond. The conse- resembling one of those broad immoveable Dutch quence is, that in the regions of Fore-street, Cripple- captains who ply in the long room at the Castergate and Moorfields, northward; and in those of house. It sometimes happens that the party thus Watling-street, Old Fish-street and Tower-royal, acted upon by the needle, little anticipating such a southward; a great mass of disaffection has been en- process, has worn white under-stockings, and a pair gendered. Wardmotes have been called, select of half-black silk upper hose reaching but to the com vestries have been summoned, and special meetings mencement of his calf. The metamorphosis, in these have been convened; but Almack's on Friday cases, is rather ludicrous, inasmuch as the subscriber flourishes notwithstanding. In the delivering out of reappears with a pair of black and white magpie legs, subscriptions, it has been whispered that some and looks as if he had by accident stepped ancle-deep tokens of partiality are discernible. Undue prefer- into a couple of ink bottles. These poor fellows are ences are alleged to be given, which, if done in the necessarily forced, by the following Friday, to furmsh way of trade, would force the obliged party to refund themselves with a new pair of shorts. No corrupt his debt for the equal benefit of himself and the rest motive has been assigned to Mrs. Wells; and Miss of the creditors. Lady Simms's husband is a lottery-Jones is a maiden lady of forty-four, living up i office keeper in Cornhill, and "they do say," that genteei independence.

young men have but slender prospects of admission if About eight o'slock on every Friday evening dur they omit to buy their sixteenths at his shop. Ladying the season, (for certainly the city has its seaBrown's lord and master is a wax-chandler in Man- sons-"A negro has a soul, your honour') a large sion-house-street; let no man who hopes to visit mass of hackney coaches may be seen plying abe Almack's on Friday seek his spermaceti in any other the purlieus of Cheapside, the same having been freed shop. Sir Ralph Roberts is a wholesale ironmonger to convey our city fashionables to the scene of test in Birchin-lane; it has never been said that he is open vity. Dancing commences precisely at mine, and we to corruption in the way of trade; but he and Lady display of jewels would not discredit the parish of Roberts have six grown-up daughters, and the sub- Mary-la-bonne. The large room with the mirrur at the scriber who fails to dance with them all in one night|lower end is devoted to quadrilles. Waltzes were a

first proscribed, as foreign, and consequently indecent; | the outer door from a very clean hackney coach, but three of the six Miss Robertses discovered acci- delivered her card to Mr. Willis, and swept madentally one morning, while two of the other three jestically past the grating up stairs into the ballwere tormenting poor Mozart into an undulating see-room. On a more minute inspecotin of the docusaw on the piano, that they waltzed remarkably well. nient, it was discovered to be a forgery. What The rule thenceforward was less rigidly enforced. was to be done? The mother was sitting under the Yet still the practice is rather scouted by the more mirror, and the daughter was dancing for dear sober part of the community. Lady Brown bridles, life. Lady Simms, Mrs. Wells, and Miss Jones, and heartily regrets that such filthy doings are not (three make a quorum) laid their heads together, confined to Paris: while Lady Simms thanks God and the result was a civil message to Mrs. Ferguson, that her daughter never danced a single waltz in the requesting her and her daughter to abdicate. Mrs. whole course of her life. This instance of self-denial | Ferguson at first felt disposed to "show fight," but, ought to be recorded, for Miss Simms's left leg is feeling the current too strong, had recourse to supplishorter than her right. Nature evidently meant her cation. This was equally vain: the rule was impefor a waltzer of the first water and magnitude, rative: indeed, according to Sir Ralph Roberts, as but philosophy has operated upon her as it did unalterable as the laws of the Sweeds and Stertions, upon Socrates. There is a young broker named The difference was at length split. A young stockCarter, who has no very extensive connection, in broker of fashion had just driven up from Capel-court Mark-lane, but he has notwithstanding contrived in a hackney cabriolet. Mamma was consigned to to waltz himself into a subscription. He re-the pepper-and-salt coat driver of the vehicle; and gularly takes out Harriet Roberts, and, after Miss Ferguson was allowed to dance her dance out, swinging with her round the room till the young Lady Brown undertaking to drop her safe and sound woman is sick and faint, he performs a like feat with in Friday-street, in her way homeward, at the concluJane Roberts, and successively with Betsy. The sion of the festivity. exhibitor of samples, when this is well over, is as giddy as a goose. He therefore retires to take a little breath; but in about ten minutes returns to the large apartment like a giant refreshed, claps his hands, calls out" Zitti zitti” to the leader of the band, and starts afresh with Lucy, Charlotte, and Jemima Roberts, in three consecutive quadrilles The pertinacity of this young man is indeed prodigious. When the most experienced quadrillers are bowled out of the ring, he may be seen spinning by himself, like an Arabian dervise. He is no great beauty, his head being several degrees too big for his body; but this disproportion does not extend lower down, for Lady Roberts says there is not a better-hearted young man in all Portsoken ward. According to the rules of the establishment, nobody is admitted after ten o'clock, except gentlemen of the common council: their senatorial duties are paramount. An odd incident is said to have occurred one Friday evening. One Mrs. Ferguson and her daughter alighted at

Before the conclusion of the evening's diversion, the ladies and their partners walk the Polonaise round the room. One Friday evening the order of march was suddenly impeded. Miss Donaldson, the grocer's daughter, having insisted upon taking precedence of Miss Jackson, whose father sells Stiltons that mock the eye with the semblance of pine-apples, at the corner of St. Swithin's-lane. The matter was referred to the patronesses, who gave it in favour of Miss Jackson, inasmuch as at dinner, cheese comes before figs. Certain caustic tradesmen, who dwell eastward of the magic circle, are said to be in the habit of throwing out sarcasms upon those who choose to go so far west in quest of diversion. "If you must have a ball," say these crabbed philosophers, "why not hold it at the London Tavern, or at the George and Vulture, Lombard-street?" But surely this is bad reasoning. If the pilgrim glows with a warmner devotion from visiting the shrine of Loretto, well may a Miss Dawson or a Mr. Toms

three hundred toasted biscuits, and a pipe of moun-Yet whims like these have sometimes made you las, tain malaga. Over the fountain was a large canopy 'Tis tattling all like Isaac Bickerstaff. to keep off the rain; and there was built on purpose a Since war and places claim the bards that write, little boat, in which was a boy belonging to the fleet, Be kind, and bear a woman's treat, to-night; who rowed round the fountain, and filled the cups of Let your indulgence all her fears allay, the company, who exceeded six thousand in number. And none but women-haters damn this play.

he had a right to the fee-simple of the dripping-pan. | kitchen is not a ware-house, nor a wash-house, a therefore he made an attachment to the sop with his brew-house, nor a bake-house, an inn-house, nor an right hand, which the defendant replevied with her out-house, nor a dwelling-house; no, my lord, 'tis left, tripp'd us up, and tumbled us into the dripping- absolutely and bonâ fide neither more nor less then pan: Now, in Broughton's reports, Slack versus a kitchen, or as the law more classically expresses, a Smallwood, it is said that primus strokus, sine jocus, kitchen is, camera necessária pro usu cookure, cum absolutus est provokus; now, who gave the primus sauce-pannis, stew-pannis, scullero, dressero, coalstrokus? who gave the first offence? why the cook: holo, stovis, smoak-jacko, pro roastandum, boilanshe brought the dripping-pan there; for, my lord, dum, fryandum, et plumpudding mixandum, pro though we will allow, if we had not been there, we turtle soupos, calve's-headhashibus, cum calipee et could not have been thrown down there; yet, my calepashibus. lord, if the dripping-pan had not been there, for us "But we shall not avail ourselves of an alibi, but o have tumbled down into, we could not have tum-admit of the existence of a cookmaid: now, my led into the dripping-pan." The next counsel on lord, we shall take it upon a new ground, and beg a he same side began with, "My lord, he who makes new trial; for as they have curtailed our name, from se of many words to no purpose, has not much to plain Mary into Moll, I hope the court will not ay for himself, therefore I shall come to the point at allow of this; for if they were to allow of mistakes, nce, at once and immediately I shall come to the what would the law do; for when the law don't find sint. My client was in liquor, the liquor in him mistakes, it is the business of the law to make them." wing served an ejectment upon his understanding, mmon sense was nonsuited, and he was a man bele himself, as Dr. Biblibus declares, in his Disrtation upon Bumpers, in the 139th folio volume of Abridgement of the Statutes, page 1286, he says, it a drunken man is homo duplicans, or a double n. Not only because he sees things double, but because he is not as he should be profecto ipse but is as he should not be, defecto tipse he." The counsel on the other side rose up gracefully, ing with his ruffles prettily, and tossing the ties his wig about emphatically. He began with, y lord, and you, gentlemen of the jury, I humdo conceive, I have the authority to declare, that counsel in this case for the defendant; theremy lord, I shall not flourish away in words; are no more than fillagree works. Some people think them an embellishment, but to me 'tis a

of astonishment, how any one can be so iment to the detriment of all rudiment. But, my this is not to be looked at through the medium ht and wrong; for the law knows no medium, ght and wrong are but its shadows. Now, in st place, they have called a kitchen my client's es: now a kitchen is nobody's premises; a

Therefore the court allowed them the liberty of a
new trial: FOR THE LAW IS OUR LIBERTY, AND IT
IS HAPPY FOR US WE HAVE THE LIBERTY TO GO
TO LAW.
EPITAPHS.

On a Person in the Country, who occasionally performed the business of Tailor and Barber.

In a timber surtout here are wrapt the remains Of a MOWER OF BEARDS, and a USER OF SKAINS; 'Twas the SHEARS of grim death cut his STAYTAPE of life,

And press'd him away from TWIST, RAZORS, AND

WIFE;

But the pray'r of all people, he SEW'D FOR OR
Is that he's with the REMNANT of those that are sav'd.

SHAV'D,

ON A WIFE.

Grieve not for me, my dearest dear,
I am not dead, but sleeping here;
With patience wait, prepare to die,
And in a short time you'll come to I.
I am not griev'd, my dearest life;
Sleep on, I've got another wife;