THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER.

tions of this club were the conveying of Hampstead air into the city of London, by subterraneous pipes, for the benefit of all sickly families. To make seawater fresh-to bring fowls to be cheaper than butcher's meat-a nuptial calendar exactly calculated for the meridian of London, wherein a married man may look at any time, and see how often he has been cornuted; to which is added a very useful table, by which he may discover the who, how, where, and the when. The new art of cookery, by that excellent contrivance of a potato kitchen, called by some a digester, and by others a dogstarver; by the use of which a man may stew a leg of beef at a half-penny charge, till the flesh is dissolved into strong broth, and the bones became as soft as butter'd apple pie. This society were so philosophical, that if a member who smoked a pipe could not give a reason for the blueness of the smoke, he would undoubtedly be expelled. The No-Nose Club.-This club was established by a merry gentleman, who, having steered an improper course in the straits of pleasure, and having observed in his walks that several others had unluckily fallen into the Egyptian fashion of flat faces, pleased himself by collecting together all these imperfect vizards into one noseless and snuffling society. It was rather aptly observed by one of the society, that if by chance they should fall together by the ears, they would fight long enough before they'd have bloody noses; and when they had a young pig for dinner, the snout was always cut off, by way of compliment, by the

cook.

drawn blood. This club, consisting only of men of
honour however, did not continue long; most of the
members of it being put to the sword, or hanged, a
The Surly Club was established near Billingsgate
little after its institution."
carmen, and such like,
to keep up the genuine vernacular-the vulgar tongue.
Coachmen, watchmen,
met like gentlemen once a week, to exercise in the
art or mystery of fine language, that they might not
be at a loss to abuse those whom they drove, &c. If
any of these members had by mistake uttered a civil
expression, or was suspected to be corrupted with
good manners, he was looked upon as an effeminate
coxcomb, who had sucked in too much of his mother's
milk, and was most likely expelled. By this society was
erected the bumping post at Billingsgate, to harden
the latter ends of the members once a year, in order
to prevent a cowardly fear of being kicked, by being
thus used to it.

The Club of Ugly Faces.-This society consisted of those to whom nature had been exceedingly unkind. The first member had a nose of immense magnitude; the second a chin like and as long as a shoe-horn the third, disfigured with a mouth like a gallon pot, when both the sides are nearly squeezed together; a fourth, with eyes like a tumbler, and one bigger than the other; a fifth, with a pair of convex cheeks, as if like Eolus, the god of the winds, he had stopped his breath for a time, to be the better able to discharge as there are knots and prickles upon an old thorna hurricane; a sixth with as many wens and warts The Man-killing Club. This was a club of duel- back; a seventh, with a pair of skinny jaws that lists and bravoes, and none were admitted that had wrapped over in folds like the hide of a rhinoceros, It is needless to say they were and that with a tusk strutting beyond his lips, as if not killed their man. all men of honour, and to prove it, their limbs and he had been begot by a man-tiger; a ninth, with a features were so lopped and scratched, that they hare-lip that had drawn his mouth into several corLooked like the Elgin marbles. Blood, wounds, bul-ners; the tenth, with a huge "Lauderdale" head, as lets, and slaughter were the topics of their conversa- big in circumference as the golden ball under St. Lion. The Spectator says, "The president of this club Paul's cross, and a face so fiery, that the ruddy front was said to have killed half a dozen men in single combat; and as for the other members, they took their seats according to the number of their slain. There was likewise a side table for such as had only

2

of the orbicular lump which stood so elevated upon his lofty shoulders made it look like the flaming urn on the top of the monument, &c. &c. and such like, who might resemble barbers' blocks in expression.

THE WIFE.

Does fortune smile, how grateful must it prove,
To tread life's pleasing round with one we love!
Or does she frown, the fair, with softening art,
Will soothe our woes or bear a willing part.

WYCHERLEY'S PLAIN DEALING.

Plain

"since

families do live exceedingly well out of the co tion of social souls, who meet together, from time to time, at noon and at even, to celebrate the orgies of Bacchus, in companies, perhaps to keep = another in countenance; and when we consider sums are annually expended in the metrop Wycherley being at Tunbridge for the benefit of his whereby the cares of life are temporarily drowand b health, was walking one day on the Wells Walk with deep potations, it becomes a question whether his friend, Mr. Fairbeard, of Gray's Inn, and just as he system of going to clubs, among people of mesocty is not worthy of some attention. We all know very came up to a bookseller's shop, the Countess of Dro-well that the revenues flourish wonderfully thr gheda, a young widow, rich, noble, and beautiful, this good fellowship of malt-and-spincame to a bookseller's, and inquired for the citizens, and that they have friendly societies to Dealer." "Madam," said Mr. Fairbeard, where, under the pretence of laying by a you are for the Plain Dealer,' there he is for you, a week, to help them to be buried confera".. "Yes," says Wypushing Wycherley towards her. cherley," this lady can bear plain dealing; for she they spend another shilling on the back of it appears to be so accomplished, that what would be compliment said to others, would be plain dealing spoken to her." "No, truly, sir," said the countess, "I am not without my faults, any more than the rest of my sex; and yet I love plain dealing, and am never more fond of it, than when it tells me of them." Then, Madam," says Mr. Fairbeard, "you and the Plain Dealer seem designed by Heaven for each other." In short, Wycherley walked with the countess, waited upon her home, visited her daily while she was at Tunbridge, and afterwards, in London; where, in a little time, a marriage was concluded

between them.

In the year 1745, was published “Ned W211 complete and humorous Account of all the re able Clubs and Societies in the Cities of Lambe at Westminster, from the Royal Society down 'a Lumber Troop, &c." It is dedicated To that ferous and sublime Lunatic, the Expert "* Moon; Governor of the Tides; Corrector of Fe Constitutions; Cornuted Metropolitan of all ** ing Cities, and Principal Director of those most subject to Mutation." He then, after g dissertation on Clubs in general, describes the of his day; viz.-the Virtuoso's Club-the S of the Order of the Golden Fleece-the S Club-the Man-killing or (Duelling) Clu Surly Club-the Atheistical Club-Club Faces-the Split-farthing Club-the Club of Shopkeepers--the Man Hunter's Club-the You Club-the Beau's Club-the Wrangling wit farthing Club-the Quack's Club, or the 1y Society-the Weekly Dancing Club the Lat cier's Club-the Lying Club-the Beggar's O the Chatterwit Club-the Florist's Clubden's Cellar Club-the Molly's Club-V Smoking Club-the Market Women's C Thieves' Club-the Small Coal Man's Mes the Kit-kat Club-the Beef Steak Club, Jr. Je The Virtuoso's Club.-Part of the numbe

The Surly Club was established near Billingsgate to keep up the genuine vernacular-the vulgar tongue. Coachmen, watchmen, carmen, and such like, met like gentlemen once a week, to exercise in the art or mystery of fine language, that they might not be at a loss to abuse those whom they drove, &c. If any of these members had by mistake uttered a civil expression, or was suspected to be corrupted with good manners, he was looked upon as an effeminate coxcomb, who had sucked in too much of his mother's milk, and was most likely expelled. By this society was erected the bumping post at Billingsgate, to harden the latter ends of the members once a year, in order to prevent a cowardly fear of being kicked, by being thus used to it.

tions of this club were the conveying of Hampstead drawn blood. This club, consisting only of men of into the city of London, by subterraneous pipes, honour however, did not continue long; most of the the benefit of all sickly families. To make sea- members of it being put to the sword, or hanged, a ater fresh-to bring fowls to be cheaper than little after its institution." butcher's meat-a nuptial calendar exactly calculated the meridian of London, wherein a married man hay look at any time, and see how often he has been ornuted; to which is added a very useful table, by hich he may discover the who, how, where, and the then. The new art of cookery, by that excellent ontrivance of a potato kitchen, called by some a igester, and by others a dogstarver; by the use of inch a man may stew a leg of beef at a half-penny harge, till the flesh is dissolved into strong broth, and ie bones became as soft as butter'd apple pie. This ciety were so philosophical, that if a member who noked a pipe could not give a reason for the blue5 of the smoke, he would undoubtedly be expelled. The No-Nose Club.-This club was established by Gerry gentleman, who, having steered an improper The Club of Ugly Faces.-This society consisted arse in the straits of pleasure, and having observed of those to whom nature had been exceedingly unkind. s walks that several others had unluckily fallen The first member had a nose of immense magnitude; a the Egyptian fashion of flat faces, pleased him- the second a chin like and as long as a shoe-horn 5 by collecting together all these imperfect vizards the third, disfigured with a mouth like a gallon pot, one noseless and snuffling society. It was rather when both the sides are nearly squeezed together; a ly observed by one of the society, that if by chance fourth, with eyes like a tumbler, and one bigger than should fall together by the ears, they would the other; a fifth, with a pair of convex cheeks, as if tiong enough before they'd have bloody noses; like Eolus, the god of the winds, he had stopped his when they had a young pig for dinner, the snout breath for a time, to be the better able to discharge always cut off, by way of compliment, by the a hurricane; a sixth with as many wens and warts as there are knots and prickles upon an old thornhe Man-killing Club. This was a club of duel- back; a seventh, with a pair of skinny jaws that and bravoes, and none were admitted that had wrapped over in folds like the hide of a rhinoceros, illed their man. It is needless to say they were and that with a tusk strutting beyond his lips, as if ten of honour, and to prove it, their limbs and he had been begot by a man-tiger; a ninth, with a re were so lopped and scratched, that they hare-lip that had drawn his mouth into several corlike the Elgin marbles. Blood, wounds, bul-ners; the tenth, with a huge "Lauderdale" head, as and slaughter were the topics of their conversa- big in circumference as the golden ball under St. The Spectator says, "The president of this club Paul's cross, and a face so fiery, that the ruddy front ail to have killed half a dozen men in single of the orbicular lump which stood so elevated upon ; and as for the other members, they took his lofty shoulders made it look like the flaming urn seats according to the number of their slain. on the top of the monument, &c. &c. and such like, was likewise a side table for such as had only who might resemble barbers' blocks in expression.

These gentlemen seldom distinguished one another by their names, but generally saluted each other when they drank round, after the following manner, viz. Here, Nose, my service to you;' Thank ye, Chin.' Here's to you, Blubber-lip;' Your servant, Mr. Squint. My love to you, neighbour Goggle;' I am yours, neighbour Allmouth.' Here's towards you brother Thinjaws; I'll pledge you, brother Plumpcheeks.' None were admitted into this club who, by their general appearance, could not make a woman miscarry, or frighten children into fits. And it was proposed that every new member should, upon his inauguration, make a speech in favour of sop, whose portrait should hang over the chimney; and also that they should purchase the heads of Thersites, Duns Scotus, Scarron, (who compared his body to the letter Z,) and Hudibras, with all the celebrated ill faces of antiquity, as furniture for the club-room.

friendship, while we live; and never directly nor indirectly reveal or make known, without consent of the whole club asked, and given, the names of the members or nature of the club. The fifth: that none shall be invited or admitted into our club before she be fifteen years of age nor after her twentieth year is expired. Six o' Clock Club.-There was a club existing about sixty years since, with the name of Number Six. Dr. Brooks and Professor Porson were members. Ir consisted of six members, who met at six in the evening, and who never parted till six in the morning! The Kit-Cat Club.-"This club," says Walpole, "generally mentioned as a set of wits, were in reality the patriots that saved Britain." Under the mask of conviviality, and the encouragement of the belles lettres, the place of rendezvous was at a pastry-cook's in Shire-lane, Temple Bar; afterwards as Kit (Christopher) Cat got up in the world, at a tavern, in the The Split-farthing Club was an assemblage of mi- Strand; for a young lady to be toasted as the reignsers who met to consult how they might improve their ing beauty of the day at this club, was to set her up riches, by punishing their bellies, and pinching others for life. Jacob Tonson the bookseller, who had a by usury. One would applaud the frugality of the principal share in the formation of it, was presented former, who never wore any other clothes, than what with all the portraits, and all painted by Sir Godfrey was made of the wool that he picked off the hedges. Kneller, Ned Ward describes it thus: "This inge Another would extol the prudence of the citizen who nious society of Apollo's sons, who for many years kept a load of faggots in his house, to warm his ser-have been the grand monopolizers of those scandalous vants in cold weather, by handing them up stairs and commodities in this flighty age, viz. Wit and Poetry, down between the garret and the cellar. Thus went had the first honour to be forwarded by an amphil their conversation. Their dresses seemed to be made ous mortal, chief merchant to the Muses, and, in these in the days of Robin Hood, and their stockings times of piracy, both bookseller and printer; who almost darned as much as the good housewife's hose having, many years since, conceived a wonderfet in the library at Oxford, which has not enough left kindness for one of the brethren of the greasy fraterof the first knitting to show its original contexture. nity, then living at the end of Bell Court, in Gray's This society had such a starved appearance, that it Inn Lane, where, finding out the knack of humourwas suspected there was not an ounce of fat among ing his neighbour Bocai's (Jacob Tonson the bookthe whole. seller) palate, had by his culinary qualifications sa The Female Intellectual Club.-In the year 1720 highly advanced himself in the favours of his good was published in 4to," An Account of the Fair In-friend, that through his advice and assistance be tellectual Club in Edinburgh, in a Letter to an honourable Member of an Athenian Society there, by a young Lady, the Secretary of the Club!" There were sixteen rules and constitutions: the first ran thus: That we shall maintain a sincere and constant mutual

removed out of Gray's Inn Lane, to keep a puddingpie-shop near the Fountain tavern in the Strand encouraged by an assurance that Bocai and his friend would come every week, to storm the crusty walk ď his mutton-pies, and make a consumption of his cus

their own productions, which proved so considerah.. an advantage to all chance customers, that whoever came in for a twopenny tart was assured to have a pennyworth of wit, or at least poetry, given into the bargain, that when they had emptied the shell, they might have taught their children to read upon the bottom-crust as well as a horn-book.

The George's Club,-There was formerly a club called the George's Club, consisting of members whose Christian names were George, who used to meet at the sign of the George, and on St. George's day; and always swore, when they did swear, by George.

The Humdrum Club was entirely made up of gentlemen of very peaceable dispositions, that used to sit together to smoke their pipes and say nothing till midnight.-The Mum Club was of a similar nature, being as great enemies to noise, as inveterate smokers.

tards. About this time Bocai, who had always a returned, his friend the pastry-cook took off his hands sharp eye towards his own interest, having wriggled at a better price than the trunk-maker; so that the himself into the company of a parcel of poetical poetical fraternity had most of their pies bottomed with young sprigs, who had just weaned themselves of their mother university, and by their prolific parts and promising endowmeats had made themselves the favourites of the late bountiful Mecenas, who had generously promised to be an indulgent father to the rhyming brotherhood, who had united themselves in friendship, but were as yet unprovided for; so that now, between their youth and the narrowness of their fortunes, Bocai had a fair prospect of feathering his nest by his new profitable chaps. Besides the happy acquaintance of those sons of Parnassus, it gave him a lucky opportunity of promoting the interest of his beloved engineer, so skilled in the fortifications of cheese-cakes, pies, and custards; so that Bocai, to ingratiate himself with his new set of authors, invited them to a collection of oven-trumpery at his friend's house, where they were nobly entertained with as curious a batch of pastry delicacies as ever were seen at the winding up of a Lord Mayor's feast, upon the day of his triumphs. There was not a mathematical The Sighing Club consisted of certain gentlemen figure in all “ Euclid's Elements" but what was pre-inamoratos getting together into a society, where they, sented to the table in baked wares, whose cavities were being totally absorbed in the contemplation of their filled with fine eatable varieties, fit for gods or poets; several mistresses, had full liberty to talk to themthis procured the cook such a mighty reputation among selves and sigh. Each of these had a bit of ribbon, a his new rhyming customers, that they thought it a scan- lock of hair, a netted purse, or a garter, which they dal to the Muses that so heavenly a banquet should go mused over and addressed from time to time, as gifts untagged with poetry, where the ornamental folds of or relics stolen from or received from their idols. He every luscious cheese cake, and the artful walls of every who was remarked to apostrophise the most passiongolden custard, deserved to be immortalized: they ately and loudly was elected president. No one was could therefore scarcely demolish the embellished admitted without a poem in praise of his mistress. A covering of a pigeon pie, without a distich; or break member who did not sigh fives times in a quarter of through the sundry tunics of a puff-paste apple tart, an hour was looked upon with suspicion; and a without a smart epigram upon the glorious occasion. member giving a direct answer to a question, looked The cook's name being Christopher, for brevity called on as so absurd as to run the risk of expulsion; a Kit, and his sign being the Cat and Fiddle, thus was complete absence of mind showed the best member. merrily derived a quaint denomination from puss and This distracted society always existed; but as the her master, and from thence they called themselves the dulcineas relented, the old members made place for Kit-Cat Club. Bocai was resolved to venture at all the the new. club, giving little else but pies for poetry, well considering he had this advantage, that what the publisher

The Everlasting Club.-The Everlasting Club consisted of a hundred members, who divided the whole