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Besides, he knew, whate'er the plan
believes at the rate of seven thousand a year, and I That tempts the fond pursuits of man,
only at that of fifty." Though pleasure may the course attend, The wise are heedful of the end.
THE NEWCASTLE APOTHECARY. Hence, though of mirth a lucky store,
A man, in many a country town, we know, So aptly iumbled in his way,
Professing openly with death to wrestle, Yet still he linger'd after more,
Enters the field against the foe, And thus he said, or seem'd to say:
Arm'd with a mortar and a pestle. How will the people fret and scold,
Yet some affirm no enemies they are ; When they the bony wreck behold;
But meet, just like prize-fighters in a fair : And how ihe drunken rogue will stare,
Who first shake hands before they box, When first he sees what was the hare.
Then give each other plaguy knocks,
With all the love and kindness of a brother : The denouement must needs be droll,
So (many a sufl'ring patient saith) Twere fo!l< not to see the whole."
Though the apothecary fights with death, Pituming thus the future pleasure,
Still they're sworn friends to one another. Maman kept post, to wait the sleeper's leisure.
A member of this Æsculapian line, At length our porter's slumbers o'er
Liv'd at Newcastle upon Tyne : He josz'd on tott'ring as before ;
No man could better gild a pill, Unconscious any body, kind,
Or make a bill, Had ess'd him of his load behind.
Or mix a draught, or bleed, or blister, Now on the houses turn'd his eye,
Or draw a tooth out of As if his journey's end was nigh,
Or chatter scandal by your bed.
Or give a glister.
Of occupations, these were quantum suff,
Yet still he thought the list not long enough: To musk the closing of the scene,
And therefore midwifery he chose to pin to't. Expecting straight a furious din,
This balanc'd things :--for if he hurl'd His features ready for a grin.
A few score mortals from the world, And now we need but mention one thing more,
He made amends by bringing others into't,
In short, in reputation he was solus ;
Ilis name was Bolus.
Benjamin Bolus, though in trade,
And cultivated the Belles Lettres.
be archdeacon. “It may be so," re Of poetry though patron god,
and he can well afford it. He Apollo patronises physic,
BATES OY CONSCIENCE.
Bolus lov'd verse, and took so much delight in't, Well, how's the patient?" Bolus said:
John shook his head.
Indeed !--hum!-ha!-that's very odd! Of writing the directions on his labels,
“ He took the draught!" John gave a nod. In dapper couplets-like Gay's Fables ;
Well, how ?-what then? speak out you dunce." Or rather like the lines in Hudibras.
Why then," says John, we shook him once." Apothecary's verse !—and where's the treason ;
“ Shook him! how !" Bolus sta:nmcred out: Tis simply honest dealing ;-not a crime;
" Ile jolted him aioul." When patients swallow physic without reason, “ Zounds! shake a patient, man,-a shake won't do." It is but fair to give a little rhyme.
No, Sir, and so we gave him two."
“ Two shakes!-odds curse! He had a patient lying at death's door,
“ 'Twould make the patient worse." Some three miles from the town, it might be four, To whom one evening Bolus sent an article
“ It did so, Sir, and so a third we tried!."
“ Well, and what then?''--" Then, Sir, my maszt In pharmacy, that's cali'd cathartical,
HORSE AND ASS.
A jocky Jord met his old college tuter at a grez:
horse fair. "Ah! doctor," exclained the per " When taken,
"what brings you here among these ingh-bred cazie! To be well shaken.”
Do you think you can distinguish a horse from 22 Next morning, early, Bolus rose,
ass"My lord,” replied the tutor, “I soon peAnd to the patient's house he goes
ceived you among these horses." Upon his pad, Who a vile trick of stumbling had :
THE COUNTRYMAN AND THE RAZOR SELLER. It was indeed a very sorry hack;
A fellow in a market towa, But that's of course,
Most musical cried razors up and down, For what's expected from a horse,
And offer'd twelve for eighteen-pence; With an apothecary upon his back?
Which certainly seem'd wondrous cheap, Bolus arriv'd and gave a loudish iap,
And for the money quite a heap, Between a single and a double rap.
As ev'ry man would buy, with cash and sease. Knocks of this kind
A country bumpkin the great offer heard : Are giv'n by gentlemen who teach to dance,
Poor Hodge, who suffer'd by a broad black beand. By fiddlers and by opera singers :
That seera'd a shoe-brush stuck beneath his bose One loud, and then a little one behind,
With cheerfulness the eighteen-pepee be paid, As if the kpocker fell by chance
And proudly to himself in whisper said, Out of their fingers.
" This rascal stole the razors I suppose. The servant lets him in with dismal face,
No matter if the fellow be a koave, Long as a courtier's out of place
Provided that the razors shave, Portending some disaster; It certainly will be a monsiruus prize.** John's countenance as rueful look'd and grim,
So home the clown with his good fortune sent, As if th' apothecary had physick'd him,
Smiling, in heart and soul content,
GARRULITY OF WOMEN.
TIE LAUGHING PHILOSOPUER.
349 Bang well lather'd from a dish or tub,
dish containing the fowls, which she pronounced Holge now began, with grinning pain, to grub,
“I presume, madam, you mean fowls," Just like a hedger cutting turze :
said Mr. R. very pompously :-“Very well, be it so, 'Twas a vile razor!-then the rest he try'd said the lady, "take away the fowls, but let the Fool All were impostors—"Ah!” Hodge sigh’d, remain !" "I wish any eighteen-peace within any purse." Lo vain to chase his beard, and bring the graces, He cut, and dug, and winc'd, and stamp'd, and
Some philosophers maintain that speech is the
criterion of reason. Parrots and other birds speak; Swore, Brought blood, and danc'd, blasphem'd, and made are they then rational ? Women we know are rational, wry faces,
but would they be less so if they spoke less ? And curs d each razor's body o'er and o'er.
MY LANDLADY's NOSE.
O'er the evils of life 'tis a folly to fret,
Despondence and grief never lessen’d them yet ; Hodge in a passion stretch'd his angry jaws,
Then a fig for the world-let it come as it goes, Towing the direst vengeance, with clench'd claws,
I'll sing to the praise of my landiady's nose. On the vile cheat that sold the goods.
My landlady's nose is in noble condition, Razors! --a vile, confounded dog
For longitude, latitude, shape, and position ; Noi fit to scrape a bog!"
'Tis as round as a horn, and as red as a rose, Hodge sought the fellow-found him—and begun, Success to the bulk of my landlady's nose !
“ Prhaps, Master Razor-rogue, to you 'tis fun, To jeweller's shops let your ladies repair, That people fay:hemselves out of their lives : For trinkets and nicknacks to give them an air ;
You rascall for an hour have I been grubbing, Here living carbuncles, a score of them glows
Giving my rascal whiskers here a scrubbing, On the big massy sides of my landlady's nose.
Old Patrick M.Dougherty, when on the fuddle,
Pulls out a segar, and looks up to her noddle; To cry up razors that can't shave.”
For Dougherty swears, when he swigs a good dose, "Prend," quoth the razor man, " I'm not a knave: By Marjory's firebrand, my landlady's nose. As for the razors you have bought,
Ye wishy-wash butter-milk drinkers so cold, l'pon may soul, I never thought
Come here, and the virtues of brandy behold; Tall they would shave."
Here's red burning Etna-a mountain of snows "Not think they'd shave?" quoth Hodge, with Would roar down in streams from my landlady's nose. wond'ring eyes,
But, Gods! when this trunk with an uplifted arm, And voice pot much uolike an Indian yell, She grasps in the dish-clout to blow an alarm ; * What were they made for then, you doy?" he cries: Horns, trumpets, and conchs, are but screaming of " Jade!" quoth the fellow, with a smile" to
To the loud-thund'ring twang of my landlady's nose. P. Prxdan.
My landlady's pose unto me is a treasure,
A care-killing nostrum—1 fountain of pleasure ; A clergy of Edinburgh dining with a friend, there want for a laug
POWLS AND TOOLS.
I all my woes
THE ROYAL LIBRARIAN.
And form a tragi-comedy around. One of the Cecil family, minister to Scotland from with weeping lovers dying calves complain ; England, was speaking to Mary, queen of Scots, of Confusion reigns-chaos is come again! the wisdom of his sovereign, queen Elizabeth. Mary Hither your steelyards, butchers, bring, to weigh stopped him short by saying, “ Pray, Sir, don't talk The pound of flesh Antonio's blood must pay! to me of the wisdom of a woman; I think I know Hither your knives, ye Christiaus clad in blue, my own sex pretty well, and can assure you, that Bring to be whetted by the worthless Jew. the wisest of us all is only a little less a fool than
Hard is our lot, who, seldom doom'd to eat, the others.”
Cast a sheep's-eye on this forbidden meat-
And in the midst of beef, of mutton-starve !
But would ye to our house in crowds repair, throne, walking one morning into his library, found Ye gen'rous captains, and ye blooining fair, one of the under librarians asleep in a chair. He The fate of Tantalus we should not fear, stepped up softly to him, and gave him a slight slap Nor pine for a repast that is so near ; on the cheek; the sleeper clapt his hand on the place Monarchs no more would supperless remain, instantly, and, with his eyes still closed, taking the Nor hungry queens for cutlets long in vain. disturber of his nap for his fellow librarian, whose
WARTOX, name was George, exclaimed, “ Hang it, George, let me alone, you are always doing one foolish trick or
SPEAKING IN TIME. another."
A buffoon at the court of Francis I. complained to
the king that a great lord threatened to murder himn PROLOGUE, FOR A COMPANY OF COMEDIANS, WHO for uttering some jokes about him.. "If he does," PERFORMED AT WinchestER OVER A BUTCHER's said Francis, " he shall be hanged in five minutes
after.” “I wish," replied the complainant, “ you Whoe'er our stage examines, must excuse
majesty would hang him five minuies before."
A clergyman was once going to preach upon the Divided only by one flight of stairs,
text of the Samaritan woman, and after reading in, The actor swaggers, and the butcher swears !
he said, “ Do not wonder, my beloved, that the text Quick the transition when the curtain drops, is so long, for it is a woman that speaks." From meek Monimia's moans, to mutton chops!
THE JEW BEGINNING TUS WORLD AGAIY. While for Lothario's loss Lavinia cries, Old women scold, and dealers d-n your eyes !
Two criminals, a Christian and a Jew, Here Juliet listens to the gentle lark,
Who'd been to honest feelings rather callous, There in harsh chorus hungry bull-dogs bark;
Were on a platform once expos'd to view ; Cleavers and scimitars give blow for blow,
Or come, as some folks call it, to the gallows; And heroes bleed above, and sheep below!
Or, as of late a quainter phrase prevails, While magic thunders shake the pit and box,
To weigh their wcight upon the city seirls. Rebellows to the roar the stagg'ring ox.
In dreadful form, the constables and shrieve, Cow-horns and trumpets mix their martial tones, The priest, and ordinary, and c d attended. Kidneys and kings, mouthing and marrow-bones; Till fix'd the poose, and all be
A LONG TEXT.
Suet and sic
FASHION ABLE ROUT9
Heard, by express, from officer of state,
Neglected mansion !—for 'tis said, Azracious pardon quite reverse his fate.
Whene'er the snow came feath'ring down, lamord he seem'd, and to the spot close sticking,
Four barbed steeds, from the Bull's-head, Se'er offers, thro' he's bid, to quit the place,
Carried thy master up to town. T.} in the air the other fellow's kicking;
Weep, Hoppergollop!- Lords may moan, The sbeniti thought that some peculiar grace, Who stake, in London, their estate Sate Hebrew form of silent, deep devotion,
On two small rattling bits of bone, Had for a while depriv'd bim of hig motion.
On little figure, or on great. bo! by the sheriff being ask'd aloud,
Swift whirl the wheels-He's gone-A rose Way not with proper officer he went?
Remains bebind, whose virgin look, He answer'd thus, surprising all the crowd,) Unseen, must blush in wintry snows, With eyes upon the dying Christian bent,
Sweet beauteous blossom !-'twas the cook "I only wail awhile pofore I coes,
A bolder sar than my weak note, W Muter Catch to puy te tead man's clo'es."
Maid of the moor, thy charms demand;
Eels might be proud to lose their coat, "How strange it is," said a lady, “that fashionable If skinn'd by Molly Dumpling's hand.
tes should be called routs! Why rout formerly Long had the fair one sat alone, - zuned the defeat of an army, and when the soldiers Had none remain'd save only she ;* all put to fight or to the sword, they were said She by herself had been—if one
be roofed." "This title has some propriety too, Had not been left, for company. sau a clergyman, for at these meetings whole 'Twas a tall youth, whose cheek’s clear hue railies are frequently rouled out of house und home.”
Was ting’d with health and manly toil; AVOIDING A DUN.
Cabbage he sow'd; and, when it grew,
He always cut it off, to boil. I rentleman, who was examined as a witness by to 125- Mr. Dunning, being repeatedly asked by the Oft would he cry, “ Delve, delve the hole! asilor if he did not lodge in the verge of the And prune the tree, and trim the root !
and length rep'ied, " Ile did.”—“And pray, sir, And stick the wig upon the pole,
Ilis barrow round ihe garden gay,
A bob-tail cur is at his hcels. I will moor, all brown and bleak,
Ah, man! the brute creation see! these broods the beath-frequenting grouse, Thy constancy oft needs the spur! fere stood a tenement antique,
While lessons of fidelity Land Hoppergollop's country house.
Are found in ev'ry bob-tail cur. 1 silence reign'd, with lips of glue,
Hard toil'd the youth, so fresh and strong, 10 indisturb'd inaintain'd her law;
While Bob-tail in his face would look, * when the owl cried, “Whoo! whoo! whoo!" And mark his master troll the songOn the hoarse crow croak d. « Caw! caw! caw !" “Sweet Molly Dumpling! Oh. thou cook!"