A FAIR BARGAIN. A gentleman, once advertising for a coachman, had a great number of applicants. One of them be approved of; and told him, if his character answered, he would take him on the terms which they had agreed upon. "But," said he, 66 my good fellow, as I am rather a particular man, it may be proper to inform you, that every evening, after the business of the stabte is done, I shall expect you to come to my house for a quarter of an hour to attend family prayers. To this, I suppose, you can have no objection."-" Why, as to that, sir," replied the fellow, "I do not see much to say against it; but I hope you'll consider il in my wages." A DIALOGUE. M. Get along, Sir-I hate you; that's flat. Let me go then-Lord bless me !—be quietIf you won't keep your hands off-take that ;D'ye think I came here to a riot? N. Why, madam,-how now? Do you scratch What business have fellows with me, Sir? I care not three skips of a flea, Sir. And anger would scorn to be seen in. M. What again!-how can folks be so teasing. N. While your lips so much sweetness bestow, Your nails can do nothing displeasing. REASON FOR GETTING DRUNK. Says my lord to his cook, “You son of a punk, How comes it I see you, thus, every day drunk? Physicians, they say, once a month do allow A man, for his health, to get drunk as a sow." "That is right," quoth the cook, "but the day they don't say, So for fear I should miss it, I'm drunk every day." NEGRO CANDOUR. A negro in the island of St. Christopher had so cruel a master that he dreaded the sight of him. After exercising much tyranny among his slaves, the planter died, and left his son heir to his estates. Some short time after his death, a gentleman meeting the negro, asked him how his young master behaved. "I suppose," says he, "he's a chip of the old block ?" No, no, 29 says the negro, "Massa be all block himself." AMERICAN ADVERTISEMENT EXTRAORDINARY. Ran away from his wife and helpless family, on Friday last, John Spriggs, by trade a tailor, aged thirty-five; has a wide mouth, zig-zag teeth, a nose of high-burned brick-blue with a lofty bridge, swivel-eyed, and a scar (not an honourable one) on his left cheek. He primes and loads (that is, takes snuff and tobacco); and is so loquacious that he tires every one in company but himself. In order that he may entrap the sinner and the saint, he carries a pack of cards in one pocket, and the Practice of Piety in the other. He is a great liar, and can varnish falsehood with a great deal of art. Had on, when he went away, a three-cocked hat, which probably he has since changed to a round one, with a blue body-coat, rather on the fade. He was seen in Bennington on Saturday last, disguised in a clean shirt. HUMOURS OF A CLUB. Sir Geoffrey Notch, who is the oldest of the club, has been in possession of the right-hand chair time out of mind, and is the only man among us that has the liberty of stirring the fire. This our foreman is a gentleman of an ancient family, that came to a great estate some years before he had discretion, and ran it out in hounds, horses, and cock-fighting; for which reason he looks upon himself as an honest, worthy gentleman, who has had misfortunes in the world, and calls every thriving man a pitiful upstart. because they see I am something respected by others; though, at the same time, I understand by their behaviour, that I am considered by thems a man of a great deal of learning, but no know ledge of the world; insomuch, that the Maj sometimes, in the height of his military prid calls me the philosopher: and Sir Geoffrey, longer ago than last night, upon a dispute wh day of the month it was then in Holland, pull his pipe out of his mouth, and cried, "What do the scholar say to it?" Our club meets precisely at six of the o'clock the evening; but I did not come last night un Major Matchlock is the next senior, who served half-an-hour after seven, by which means I in the last civil wars, and has all the battles by caped the battle of Naseby, which the Ma heart. He does not think any action in Europe usually begins at about three-quarters after s worth talking of since the fight of Marston I found also, that my good friend, the Bench Moor; and every night tells us of his having had already spent three of his distichs; and o been knocked off his horse at the rising of the waited an opportunity to hear a sermon spo London apprentices; for which he is in great of, that he might introduce the couplet wo esteem among us a stick" rhimes to "ecclesiastic." At my trauce into the room, they were naming a petticoat and a cloak, by which I found that Bencher had been diverting them with a stor Jack Ogle. ་་ Honest old Dick Reptile is the third of our society. He is a good-natured indolent man, who speaks little himself, but laughs at our jokes; and brings his young nephew along with him, a youth of eighteen years old, to shew him good I had no sooner taken my seat, but Sir G company, and give him a taste of the world. frey, to shew his good-will towards me, gav This young fellow sits generally silent; but a pipe of his own tobacco, and stirred up the whenever he opens his mouth, or laughs at any thing that passes, he is constantly told by his uncle, after a jocular manner, “Ay, ay, Jack, you young men think us fools; but we old men know you are." The greatest wit of our company, next to myself, is a bencher of the neighbouring inn, who in his youth frequented the ordinaries about Charing Cross, and pretends to have been intimate with Jack Ogle. He has about ten distichs of Hudibras without book, and never leaves the club until he has applied them all. If any modern wit be mentioned, or any town frolic spoken of, he shakes his head at the dulness of the present age, and tells us a story of Jack Ogle. For my own part, I am esteemed among them, I look upon it as a point of morality, t obliged by those who endeavour to oblige and, therefore, in requital for his kindness, a set the conversation a-going, I took the best sion I could to put him upon telling us the of old Gantlett, which he always does with particular concern. He traced up his desce both sides for several generations, describi diet and manner of life, with his several b and particularly that in which he fell. Gantlett was a game-cock, upon whose he: knight, in his youth, had won five hundred p and lost two thousand. This naturally Major upon the account of Edgehill figh ended in a duel of Jack Ogle's. Old Reptile was extremely attentive to a Tas said, though it was the same he had heard | As oft on Gadshill we have ta'en our stand, very night for these twenty years, and upon all occasions winked upon his nephew to mind what passed. This may suffice to give the world a taste of our innocent conversation, which we spun out until about ten of the clock, when my maid came with a lantern to light me home. REDUCTION OF YEARS. The author of the following receipt asserts, hat it will reduce a man of sixty to the appearance of fifty at least; Close shaving (if a black omplexion) two years; false hair, one; powder, one; a new set of artificial teeth, two; a clean hirt, one; sume two; false eye-brows, one; false calves, one; corns pared, and thin shoes, PROLOGUE, SPOKEN BY BARRINGTON, THE From distant climes o'er wide-spread seas we come, Tho' not with much eclat or beat of drum; as prov'd most useful to the British nation. When 'twas so dark you could not see your hand, Some true-bred Falstaff we may hope to start, Who, when well bolster'd, well wili play his part; crape. The scene to vary, we shall try in time To treat you with a little pantomime; Here light and easy columbines are found, And well-tried harlequins with us abound: From durance vile our precious selves to keep, To a black face have sometimes owed a 'scape, We often had recourse to a flying-leap! And Hounslow-Heath has prov'd the worth of But how, you ask, can we e'er hope to soar Above these scenes, and rise to tragic lore? Too oft, alas! we forc'd the unwilling tear, And petrified the heart with real fear!' Macbeth a harvest of applause will reap, For some of us, I fear, have murder'd sleep! His lady too, with grace will sleep and talk; Our females have been us'd at night to walk, Sometimes, indeed, so various is our art, An actor may improve and mend his part. "Give me a horse!" bawls Richard like a drone ; We'll find a man would help himself to one. Grant us your favour, put us to the test, To raise your smiles we'll do our very best; Thus, in an honest way, still pick your pockets. And without dread of future turnkey Lockits. EPITAPH ON A MARSHAL OF THE KING'S BENCH. Some years since there was a Marshal of the King's Bench whose name was Thomas, that became extremely obnoxious to the prisoners; one of them, on some occasion or other, spread a report of his death, which gave rise to the following epitaph : Beneath this stone lies Marshal AUCTIONEER ELOQUENCE. An elegant pleasure-yacht being sold by auction, the auctioneer said, that it comprehended all the advantages of the most finished country villa, besides many which were peculiar to itself. It had all the accommodations of a house, and was free from the inconveniences of a bad neighbourhood, for its scite could be changed at pleasure; it had not only the richest, but also the most various prospects; and it was a villa free from house-duty and window-lights; it paid neither church-tythe nor poor-rate; it was free from government and parochial taxes, and it not only had a command of wood and water, but possessed the most extensive fishery of any house in England. A PHILOSOPHIC COBBLER. sistance, I thought it best to employ a philoso phic cobler on this occasion. Perceiving my basiness, therefore, he desired me to enter and sit down, took my shoe in his lap, and began to mend it, with his usual indifference and taciturnity. How, my friend," said I to nim, can you continue to work, while all those fine things are passing by your door?"-" Very fine they are master," returned the cobler, " for those that like them, to be sure; but what are all those fa things to me? You don't know what it is to b a cobler, and so much the better for yourself Your bread is baked; you may go and see sight the whole day, and eat a warm supper when yo come home at night; but for me, if I should re hunting after all these fine folk, what should get by my journey but an appetite? and, Go Though not very fond of seeing a pageant my-help me, I have too much of that at home a self, yet I am generally pleased with being in the ready, without stirring out for it. Your peop crowd which sees it: it is amusing to observe the who may eat four meals a-day, and a supper effect, which such a spectacle has upon the va- night, are but a bad example to such a one as riety of faces; the pleasure it excites in some,-No, master, as God has called me into t the envy in others, and the wishes it raises in all. world, in order to mend old shoes, I have no b With this design, I lately went to see the entry of siness with fine folk, and they no business w a foreign ambassador, resolved to make one in me." I here interrupted him with a sm the mob, to shout as they shouted, to fix with" See this last, master," continues he, earnestness upon the same frivolous objects, and this hammer; this last and hammer are the t participate for a while the pleasures and the best friends I have in this world, nobody wishes of the vulgar. will be my friend, because I want a friend. In this plight, as I was considering the eager- great folks you saw pass by just now have ness that appeared in every face, how some hundred friends, because they have no occas bustled to get foremost, and others contented for them; now, while I stick to my good fric themselves with taking a transient peep when here, I am very contented; but, when I ever they could; how some praised the four black little run after sights and fine things, I begi servants that were stuck behind one of the equi-hate my work, I grow sad, and have no hea pages, and some the ribbons that decorated the mend shoes any longer." horses' necks in another; my attention was called This discourse only served to raise my curi off to an object more extraordinary than any I to know more of a man whom nature had had yet seen: a poor cobler sat in his stall by formed into a philosopher. I therefore i the way-side, and continued to work while the sibly led him into a history of his advent crowd passed by, without testifying the smallest I have lived," said he, "a wandering share of curiosity. I own his want of attention now five-and-fifty years, here to-day and excited mine; and, as I stood in need of his as-to-morrow; for it was my misfortune, 66 was young, to be fond of changing.”—“ You heart. I searched the whole stall, after she was have been a traveller then, I presume?" inter-dead, for money; but she had hidden it so effecrupted I. I can't boast much of travelling,"tually, that, with all my pains, I could never find contioned he, "for I have never left the parish a farthing." ASSISTANCE. Curio, whose hat a nimble knave had snatch'd, in which I was born but three times in my life, I could not but smile at these migrations of a man by the fire-side, and continued to ask, If he had ever been married?" Ay, that I have, mas ter," replied he, "for sixteen long years; and a weary life I had of it, heaven knows. My wife took it into her head, that the only way to thrive in the world was to save money: so, though our incomings were but three shillings a-week, all that she ever could lay her hands upon she used to hide away from me, though we were obliged to Karve the whole week after for it. "The first three years we used to quarrel about this every day, and I always got the better; but she had a hard spirit, and still continued to hide as usual; so that I was at last tired of quarrelling and getting the better, and she scraped and scraped at pleasure, till I was almost starved to death. Her conduct drove me at last in despair to the alehouse; here I used to sit, with people who hated home like myself, drank while I had money left, and run in score when any body would trust me; till at last the landlady coming one day with a long bill, when I was from home, and putting it into my wife's bands, the length of it effectually broke her Alarm the neighbourhood with hue and cry." Then," quoth the stranger, "vain is all endea vour, Sans voice to call, sans vigour to pursue: RIVAL DOCTORS. When Drs. Cheyne and Winter were the two principal physicians at Bath, they adopted very opposite modes of practice; but the former gave some credence to his prescription of milk diet, by making it the principal article of his own susteDance. On this occasion Winter sent to him the following stanzas: Tell me from whom, fat-headed Scot, Suppose we own that milk is good, And say the same of grass; The one for babes and calves is food, Doctor, one new prescription try, A friend's advice forgive: |