Hutton, of Birmingham, who wrote his life and I

MISSIONARY PURITY.

66

confessions: he was a male Viola, for he let con- A beautiful naked young female savage coming cealment, like a worm, &c. but he shall speak for on board a missionary ship, the missionaries had himself; "Perhaps there is not a human being in unavoidably an excellent opportunity of survey-r existence but sooner or later feels, in some degree, ing her person; a temptation," says the writer the passion of love. I was struck with a girl, of a missionary journal," which no one, without watched her wherever I could, and peeped through great restraints from God's grace, could have rethe chink of the windows at night. She lay near sisted." my heart eleven years; but I never spoke to her in my whole life, nor was she ever apprised of my passion."

THE UGLY FAMILY.

A gentleman who once sat next to Lord North at the theatre, but with whose person he was unacquainted, enquired, after some preliminary conversation, the name of the lady sitting on the opposite side of the house, adding, that she was the ugliest woman he ever beheld. "That," replied his lordship, "is my sister, sir!" Confounded at the error he had committed, the interrogator, stammering, exclaimed, "I do not mean that lady, but the one seated next to her."Oh," replied Lord North, smiling,

That, sir, is my wife, Lady North, and we are esteemed the ugliest couple in England.”

THE PICTURE OF SLANDER.

What mortal but slander, that serpent, hath stung,
Whose teeth are sharp arrows, a razor her tongue?
The poison of asps her vivid lip loads,
The rattle of snakes with the spittle of toads;
Ber throat is an open sepulchre, her legs
St hatching of vipers, and cockatrice eggs;
fier sting is a scorpion's; like hyena, she'll cry;
With the ear of an adder, a basilisk's eye;
The mouth of a monkey, the hug of a bear,
The bead of a parrot, the chat of a hare;
Tewing of a magpie, the snout of a hog,
The fee of a mole, and the tail of a dog;
Des daw is a tyger's, her forehead is brass,
With the biss of a goose, and the bray of an ass.

EFFECTS OF ROUGE.

Walpole says, "the beautiful Lady Coventry killed herself with painting, she bedaubed herself with white so as to stop the perspiration. Lady Wortley Montagu was more prudent, she often went into the hot-bath, to scrape off the paint, which was almost as thick as plaster on a wall."

TASTE FOR DRINKING.

"The Russ loves brandy, Dutchmen beer,
The Indian, rum most mighty,
The Welchman sweet Metheglin quaffs,
The Irish, aquavitæ ;

The French extol the Orleans grape,
The Spaniards tipple Sherry;-
The English none of these escape,
For they with all make merry."

WIVES ON TRIAL.

The island of Sky has been ravaged by a feud between the two mighty powers of Macdonald Macdonald having married a and Macleod. Macleod, upon some discontent dismissed her, perhaps because she brought him no children, Before the reign of James the Fifth, a highland laird made a trial of his wife for a certain time, and, if she did not please him, he was then at liberty to send her away. This, however, must always have offended, and Macleod, resenting the injury, whatever were its circumstances, declared that the wedding had been solemnized without a bonfire, but that the separation should be better illuminated; and, raising a little army, set fire to the territories of Macdonald, who returned the visit and prevailed.

ON THE DEATH OF A NOTABLE SCOLD AND and expressing an ardent wish to make a retura,

A SHREW.

We lived one and twenty year,
As man and wife together;
I could no longer keep her here,
She's gone I know not whither,
Could I but guess, I do protest,
I speak it not to flatter;
Of all the women in the world
I never would come at her.
Her body is bestowed well,

A handsome grave doth hide her;
And sure her soul is not in hell,-
The devil would ne'er abide her.
I rather think she soar'd aloft,

For in the last great thunder, Methought I heard her very voice, Rending the clouds in sunder.

VIRGINS AND WIDOWS.

&c. The servant decamped, and was traced to have taken shipping at Dover for Holland; there, it is supposed, to enjoy her ill-acquired property. The unfortunate young lady since that period was confined in Swift's Lunatic Hospital; and, in the paroxysms of her grief, gave proofs of that wild and disordered affection, which must strongly bring to mind the merits, the sufferings, and the virtue of Shakespeare's Ophelia. Afterwards the lady happily recovered

COURT OF CHANCERY.

In sore affliction, tried by God's commands,
Of patience, Job the great example stands;
But in those days, a trial more severe
Had been Job's lot, if God had sent him here.

CIVIL-LIST.

A nobleman who sported a ferocious pair of false whiskers, meeting Mr. Curran in Dublin, the latter said, "When do you mean to place your whiskers

Varro asserts, that virgins marry with grief on the peace-establishment?"" When you place widows with pleasure.

AMOROUS BRIBERY.

your tongue on the civil list," was the reply.

GOOD-FRIDAY.

A barrister being concerned in a cause which In the year 1792, a lady of fortune, in Denmark- he wanted to postpone for a few days, asked Lord street, Dublin, having couceived a strong affec- Mansfield when he would bring it on? On krition for a gentleman at the Irish bar, and not day next," said his lordship. Will you please to meeting with a reciprocal return, became unhap- consider, my lord, next Friday is Good-Friday?" pily deranged in her intellects, from the excess of "I don't care for that; the better day the better her love and disappointment. Some curious cir-deed."-" Well, my lord, you will of course do as cumstances relative to this affair transpired after-you please; but if you do sit on that day. I he wards. The lady, unable to make any impres-lieve you'll be the first judge who did business on sion by the ordinary efforts of female practice, a Good-Friday since Pontius Pilate's time." sent a confidential maid-servant, with bank-note after bank-note, to the gentleman, till 1,100, had been expended in this species of love-letters. The Duchess of Marlborough once pressing the The gentleman possessed too nice a sense of duke to take medicine, with her usual warmth, honour to be concerned in so base a communica- said, " I'll be hanged if it does not prove servicetion. The fact was, that the fille de chambre de- Jable." Dr. Garth, who was present, exclaimed, ceived her mistress, and had gone so far as to de- " Do take it then, my lord duke, for it must be liver forged letters, thanking her for her favours, of use one way or the other."

CERTAIN BENEFIT.

NEW WAY TO PAY OLD Debts.

A fire happening at a public-house, one of the crowd was requesting the engineer to play against the wainscot; but being told it was in no danger, "I am sorry for that," said he, “because I have a long score upon it, which I shall never be able to pay."

EVE'S CURIOSITY.

When Eve would try, but to her cost,
Th' experiment of evil,
That she with gods might wisdom boast,
And cunning with the devil-

Too soon the knowledge she obtain'd;
Too late she curst the prize:
Ob! had she but a fool remain'd,
We should have all been wise.

THE IRISHMAN'S DEATH.

A poor Irishman, who was on his death-bed, and who did not seem quite reconciled to the long journey he was going to take, was kindly consoled by a good-natured friend with the common place reflection, that we must all die once. Why, my dear, now," answered the sick man, that is the very thing that vexes me; if I could the half-a-dozen times I should not mind it.”

A SIMPLE RETORT.

ERRATUM CORRECTED.

The celebrated Scarron wrote a copy of veraes, to which he prefixed a dedication in these words, A Guillemette, chienne de ma sœur.”. To Guillemette, my sister's bitch." Some time after, having quarrelled with his sister, he collected his poems for re-publication, and inserted among the errata," For chienne de ma sœur-read ma chienne de sœur-For my sister's bitch, read my b--ch of a sister."

ON THE INTENDED DEMOLITION OF FRIAR
BACON'S STUDY, IN OXFORD.
Roger, if with thy magic glasses,
Running, thou seest below what passes,
As when on earth thou didst decry
With them the wonders of the sky-
Look down on yon devoted walls!
Oh! save them e'er thy study falls!
Or to thy vot'ries quick impart
The secret of thy mystic art!
Teach us, ere learning's quite forsaken,
To honour thee, and-save our Bacon,
EQUAL PRIVILEGES.

A naval officer relating his feats to a marshal, said, "that in a sea-fight he had killed 300 men with his own land."-" And I," said the marshal, "descended through a chimney in Switzerland to A lawyer of short stature appearing as evidence visit a pretty girl,” ""How could that be ?" said ace of the courts, was asked by a gigantic the captain, since there are no chimnies in that mcnsellor, what profession he was of? and having country?"" What, sir," said the marshal," I plied that he was an attorney; "You a law-bave allowed you to kill 300 men in a fight, and ," said the counsellor," why I can put you in surely you may permit me to descend a chimney my packet.”—“Very likely you may," was the in Switzerland." ly, but if you do, you will have more law in *st porket than in your head."

WINDOW TAX.

**I wish," said Rigby to Charles Fox, "that old stand out of my light, or that you had ide in that great belly of your's" What," Charles," that you might lay an additional po it, I suppose."

ADVERTISEMENT EXTRAORDINARY. "To be disposed of, for the benefit of the poor widow, a blind man's walk in a charitable neigh bourhood, the comings-in between twenty-five and twenty-six shillings a week, with a dog well drilled, and a staff in good repair. A handsome premium will be expected. For further particulars, inquire at No. 40, Chiswell-street,'

TABLE WIT.

A nobleman once in a large company, and ex patiating about himself, made the following re mark :—“ When I happen to say a foolish thing I always burst out laughing.""I envy yo your happiness, my lord, then," said one of the party, “for you must certainly live the merries life of any man in Europe."

A COUNTRY QUARTER SESSIONS.
Three or four parsons full of October;
Three or four lawyers; three or four liars;
Three or four squires between drunk and sober;
Three or four constables; three or four criers;
Three or four parishes bringing appeals
Three or four writings and three or four seals;
Three or four bastards and three or four wh-res
Tag, rag, and bobtail three or four scores;
Three or four statutes misunderstood;
Three or four paupers all praying for food:
Three or four roads that never were mended;
Three or four scolds, and the sessions are ended.

At the time when Queen Elizabeth was making one of her progresses through the kingdom, a mayor of Coventry, attended by a large cavalcade, went out to meet her majesty, and usher her into the city with due formality. On their return they passed through a wide brook, when Mr. Mayor's horse several times attempted to drink, and each time his worship checked him; which the queen observing, called out to him, "Mr. Mayor, let your horse drink, Mr. Mayor," but the magistrate, bowing very low, modestly answered, “ Nay, nay, Pray, gentlemen," said he, “are you Fo may it please your majesty's horse to drink first." hunting, or Hare-hunting this morning ?”

CAUTIOUS HUMANITY.

66

A tanner one day invited a supervisor to dine with him, and after pushing the bottle about briskly, the supervisor took his leave; but in passing across the tan-yard, he fell into a vat, and called out for the tanner's assistance to get out, but to no purpose; "For," said the tanner, "if I draw any hides without giving the twelve hours' notice, I shall be exchequered and ruined, but I'll go and inform the exciseman,”

FOX-HUNTING OR HARE-HUNTING. Mr. Hare, formerly envoy to Poland, had apartments in the same house with Mr. Fox, and like his friend Charles, had frequent dealings wit the monied Israelites. One morning as he wa looking out of the window, he observed severa of the tribe assembled at the door for admitianer

DR. REID.

Dr. Reid, well known by his medical repor in the Monthly Magazine, was requested by lady of eminence to call at her house. Be H you recollect the address," said she, as sh quitted the room, "No. 1, Chesterfield-street."

Madam," said the doctor," I am too great admirer of politeness not to remember Chesterfis's and I fear too selfish ever to forget number .'