Sim. But a tester, Sir.

Dick. A tester! that's something of the least, Master Matthew, let's see it.

Sim. You have had fifteen sixpences now. Dick. Never mind that I'll pay you all at my benefit.

Sim. I don't doubt that, master-but mum. [Exit. Dick. Thus far we run before the wind. An apothecary!—make an apothecary of me! —what, cramp my genius over a pestle and mortar, or mew me up in a shop, with an alligator stuffed, and a beggarly account of empty boxes! -to be culling simples, and constantly adding to the bills of mortality!-No, no! it will be much better to be pasted up in capitals-The part of Romeo by a young gentleman who never appeared on any stage before!-My ambition fires at the thought.- -But hold, mayn't I run some chance of failing in my attempt;-hissed, pelted, laughed at, not admitted into the Green-room.That will never do-Down, busy devil, down, down. Try it again. Loved by the women, en vied by the men, applauded by the pit, clapped by the gallery, admired by the boxes.-"Dear colonel, is not he a charming creature?"-"My lord, don't you like him of all things?". "Makes love like an angel!"-" What an eye he has!"-"Fine legs!"—"I'll certainly go to his benefit.”—Celestial sounds!- -And then I'll get in with all the painters, and have myself put up in every print"This is a shop-in the character of Macbeth! sorry sight." [Stands in an attitude.] In the character of Richard-"Give me another horse; bind up my wounds."- -This will do rarelyAnd then I have a chance of getting well married ---O, glorious thought!-By heaven I will enjoy it, though but in fancy. -But what's o'clock ?-it must be almost nine. I'll away at once: this is club-night.-'Egad, I'll go to them for awhile. The spouters are all met-little they think I'm in town-they'll be surprised to see me. -Off I go, and then for my assignation with my Master Gargle's daughter- -poor Charlotte!

she's locked up, but I shall find means to settle matters for her escape; she's a pretty theatrical genius.-If she flies to my arms like a hawk to its perch, it will be so rare an adventure, and so dramatic an incident.

Limbs! do your office, and support me well;
Bear me but to her, then fail me if you can.
[Exit.

ACT II

SCENE I-Discovers the Spouting Club. The PRESIDENT and MEMBERS seated. Pres. Come, we'll fill a measure the table round. Now good digestion wait on appetite, and health on both. Come give us a speech.

Scots. Come now, I'll gi'e you a touch of Mocbeeth.

Irish. Stand out of the way, lads, and see me give a touch of Othollo, my dear. [Takes the cork, burns it, and blacks his face.] The devil burn the cork, it would not do it fast enough. 1 Mem. Here, here, I'll lend you a helping hand. [Blacks him; knocking at the door. Pres. Open locks, whoever knocks.

Enter DICK.

face.

Dick. I shall certainly laugh in the fellow's [Aside. Scots. Stay till you hear me gi'e a speecimen of elocution.

Dick. What, with that impediment, Sir? Scots. Impeediment! what impediment? I do not leesp, do I? I do not squeent; I am well leemed, am I not?

Irish. By my shoul, if you go to that, I am as well timbered myself as any of them, and shall make a figure in genteel and top comedy.

Scots. I'll give you a speecimen of Mocbeeth. Irish. Make haste then, and I'll begin Othollo. Scots. Is this a dagger that I see before me, &c. Irish. [Collaring him.] William, be sure you prove my love a whore, &c.

[Another MEMBER comes forward, with his face powdered, and a pipe in his hand. Mem. I am thy father's spirit, HamletIrish. You are my father's spirit? My mother was a better man than ever you was. Dick. Pho! pr'ythee! you are not fat enough for a ghost.

Mem. I intend to make my first appearance in it for all that; only I'm puzzled about one thing, I want to know, when I come on first, whether 1

should make a bow to the audience?

Watch. [Behind the scenes.] Past five o'clock, cloudy morning.

7

Enter DICK, with a lantern and ladder.

Dick. All's quiet here; the coast's clear-now for my adventure with Charlotte; this ladder will do rarely for the business, though it would be better if it were a ladder of ropes-but hold; have I not seen something like this on the stage? yes I have, in some of the entertainments. Ay, I remember an apothecary, and here about he dwells-this is my Master Gargle's; being dark, the beggar's shop is shut; what, ho! apothecary! but soft, what light breaks through yonder window? It is the east, and Juliet is the sun; arise, fair sun, &c.

CHARLOTTE appears at a window.

Char. Who's there; my Romeo? Dick. The same, my love, if it not thee displease. Char. Hush! not so loud; you'll waken my father.

Dick. Alas! there is more peril in thine eyeChar. Nay, but pr'ythee now: I tell you, you'll spoil all. What made you stay so long?

Dick. Chide not, my fair; but let the god of love laugh in thy eyes, and revel in thy heart.

Char. As I am a living soul, you'll ruin every thing; be but quiet, and I'll come down to you.

[Going.

Dick. No, no, not so fast; Charlotte, let us act the garden scene first

Char. A fiddlestick for the garden scene. Dick. Nay, then, I'll act Ranger; up I neck or nothing.

go,

Char. Dear heart, you're enough to frighten a body out of one's wits. Don't come up; I tell you there's no occasion for the ladder. I have settled every thing with Simon, and he's to let me through the shop, when he opens it.

Dick. Well, but I tell you I would not give a farthing for it without the ladder, and so up I go; if it was as high as the garret, up I go.

Enter SIMON, at the door.

Sim. Sir, Sir; Madam, Madam-Dick. Pr'ythee be quiet, Simon, I am ascending the high top-gallant of my joy.

Sim. An't please you, master, my young mistress may come through the shop; I am going to sweep it out, and she may escape that way fast

Char. Dear heart, don't let us stand fooling here, as I live and breathe we shall both be taken; do, for heaven's sake, let us make our escape.

Dick. Yes, my dear Charlotte, we will go together;

Together to the theatre we'll go,
There to their ravish'd eyes our skill we'll show.
And point new beauties-to the pit below.

[Exit with CHARLOTTE Sim. And I to sweep my master's shop will go. [Exit into the house, and shuts the door.

Enter a WATCHMAN.

Watch. Past six o'clock, and a cloudy morning Gargle's window! I must alarm the family-Ho! -Hey-day! what's here? A ladder at Master Master Gargle! [Knocks at the door. Gar. [Above.] What's the matter? How comes this window to be open? Ha! a ladder! Who's below there?

Watch. I hope you an't robbed, Master Gargle ? As I was going my rounds, I found your window open Gur. I fear, that is some of that young dog's tricks. Take away the ladder; I must inquire into all this. [Éxit.

Re-enter SIMON like Scrub.

Sim. Thieves! murder! thieves! popery!Watch. What's the matter with the fellow? Sim. Spare all I have, and take my life! Watch. Any mischief in the house? Sim. They broke in with fire and sword; they'll be here this minute.

Watch. What, are there thieves in the house?
Sim. With sword and pistol, Sir.

Watch. How many are there of them?
Sim. Five-and-forty.

Watch. Nay, then 'tis time for me to go.

Enter GARGLE.

[Exit.

Win. Returned to his tricks!-what,-broke loose again?

Gar. Ay, and carried off my daughter with him. Win. Carried off your daughter-how did the rascal contrive that?"

Gar. Oh, dear Sir,-the watch alarmed us awhile ago, and I found a ladder at the windowso I suppose my young Madam made her escape that way.

Win. I'll never see the fellow's face.
Sim. Secrets! secrets!

Win. What, are you in the secret friend?

Sim. To be sure, there be secrets in all families-but, for my part, I'll not speak a word pro or con, till there's a peace.

Win. You won't speak, Sirrah!--I'll make you speak-do you know nothing of this, numscull?

Sim. Who I, Sir?-he came home last night from your house, and went out again directly. Win. You saw him then

Sim. Yes, Sir,-saw him to be sure, Sir-he made me open the shop-door for him-he stopped on the threshold, and pointed at one of the clouds, and asked me if it was not like an ouzel?

Win. Like an ouzel-wounds! what's an ouzel? Gar. And the young dog came back in the dead of night, to steal away my daughter.

Enter a PORTER.

Gar. Do, my dear Sir, let us step to him. Win. No, not I, let him stay there-this it is to have a genius-ha! ha!--a genius! ha! ha!-a genius is a fine thing indeed!---ha! ha! [Exit.

Gar. Poor man! he has certainly a fever on his spirits--do you step in with me, honest man, till I slip on my coat, and then I'll go after this unfortunate boy.

Por. Yes, Sir,-'tis in Gray's Inn-lane.

[Exeunt.

SCENE III-Spunging House. DICK and BAILIFF at a table, and CHARLOTTE sitting in a disconsolate manner by him.

Bail. Here's my service to you, young gentleman-don't be uneasy-the debt is not muchwhy do you look so sad?

Dick. Because captivity has robbed me of a just and dear diversion.

Bail. Never look sulky at me-1 never use any body ill-come, it has been many a good man's lot-here's my service to you-but we've no liquor-come, we'll have t'other bowl.

Dick. I've now not fifty ducats in the worldyet still I am in love, and pleased with ruin. Bail. What do you say?—you've fifty shillings, 1 hope.

Dick. Now, thank heaven! I'm not worth a

To Mr. Gargle, &c.

[Reads.

I

"Most potent, grave, and reverend doctor, my very noble and approved good master, that I have to en away your daughter it is most true, true I will marry her--'tis true, 'tis pity, and pity 'tis, 'tis true."What in the name of common sense is all this? have done your shop some service, and you know it; no more of that-yet I could wish, that at this time I had not been this thing,"-what can the fellow mean? -"for time may have yet one fated hour to come, which, winged with liberty, may overtake occasion past."--Overtake occasion past!-no, no, time and tide wait for no man-" I expect redress from thy noble sorrows-thine and my poor country's ever, R. WINGATE." Mad as a March hare! I have done with himlet him stay till the shoe pinches, a crack-brained numscull.

Por. An't please ye, Sir, I fancies the gentleman is a little beside himself-he took hold un me here by the collar, and called me villain, and bid me prove his wife a whore-Lord help him, I never see'd the gentleman's spouse in my born days before.

Gar. Is she with him now?

Por. I believe so-there is a likely young woman with him, all in tears.

Gar. My daughter, to be sure.

Por. I fancy, master, the gentleman's under troubles-I brought it from a spunging-house. Win. From a spunging-house!

Bail. Then there's no credit here, I can tell you that-you must get bail, or go to Newgatewho do you think is to pay house-rent for you?Such poverty-struck devils as you shan't stay in my house-you shall go to quod, I can tell you that. [Knocking at the door.] Coming, coming, I am coming-I shall lodge you in Newgate, promise you, before night, not worth a groat!you're a fine fellow to stay in a man's houseyou shall go to quod. [Exit.

Dick. Come, clear up, Charlotte, never mind this-come, now-let us act the prison-scene in the Mourning Bride.

Char. How can you think of acting speeches, when we're in such distress?

Dick. Nay, but my dear angel

Enter WINGATE and GARGLE. Come, now we'll practise an attitude-how many of 'em have you?

Char. Let me see,-one-two-three-and then in the fourth act, and then-O gemini, I have ten at least.

Dick. That will do swimmingly-I've a round dozen myself-come, now begin you fancy me dead, and I think the same of you-now mind. [They stand in attitudes.

Win. Only mind the villain. Dick. O thou soft fleeting form of Lindamira! Char. Illusive shade of my beloved lord! Dick. She 'ives, she speaks, and we shall still be happy!

Win. You lie, you villain, you shan't be happy, [Knocks him down. Dick. [On the ground.] Perdition catch your arm, the chance is thine.

Gar. So, my young madam-I have found you again.

Dick. Capulet, forbear; Paris, let loose your

Por. Yes, Sir, in Gray's Inn-lane.

glad of it

gether.

A paltry, scribbling fool-to leave me out-
He'll say, perhaps he thought I could not spout
Malice and envy to the last degree!
And why I wrote a farce as well as he;
And fairly ventur'd it, without the aid
Of prologue dress'd in black, and face in masque-
rade.

O pit-have pity-see how I'm dismay'd!
Poor soul !-this canting stuff will never do,
Unless, like Bayes, he brings his hangman too.
But granting that from these same obsequies,
Some pickings to our bard in black arise;
Should your applause to joy convert his fear,
As Pallas turns to feast-Lordella's bier;

Gar. Well, but, dear Sir, you know I always intended to marry my daughter into your family; and if you let the young man be ruined, iny money must all go into another channel.

Win. How's that?-into another channel! must not lose the handling o his money-Why, I told you, friend Gargle, I'm not a hard-hearted man. Ha ha!-why, if the blockhead would but get as many crabbed physical words from Hippocrites and Allen, as he has from his nonsensical trumpery,-ha! ha!-I don't know, between you and I, but he might pass for a very good physician.

Dick. And must I leave thee, Juliet? Char. Nay, but, pr'ythee now have done with your speeches you see we are brought to the last distress, and so you had better make it up.

[Apart to DICK. Dick. Why, for your sake, my dear, I don't care if I do. [Apart.]—Sir, you shall find for the future, that we'll both endeavour to give you all the satisfaction in our power.

Win. Very well, that's right.

Dick. And since we don't go on the stage, 'tis some comfort that the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players.

Some play the upper, some the under, parts,
And most assume what 's foreign to their hearts;
Thus life is but a tragic-comic jest,

And all is farce and mummery at best. [Exeunt.

EPILOGUE.

ORIGINALLY SPOKEN BY MRS. CLIVE.

Enters, reading a Play-Bill.

A VERY pretty bill,-
-as I'm alive!
T'he part of-Nobody-by Mrs. Clive!

I could have shown him, had he been inclin'd,
A spouting junto of the female kind.
There dwells a milliner in yonder row,
Well dress'd, full voiced, and nobly built for show,
Who, when in rage, she scolds at Sue and Sarah
Damn'd, damn'd, dissembler: thinks she's Madam
Zara.

She has a daughter too, that deals in lace,
And sings-O ponder well-and Chevy Chace,
And fain would fill the fair Ophelia's place.
And in her cock'd-up hat, and gown of camlet,
Presumes on something-touching the Lord
Hamlet.

A cousin too she has, with squinting eyes,
With waddling gait, and voice like London
Cries;

Who, for the stage too short by half a story,
Acts Lady Townly-thus-in all her glory.
And while she's traversing the scanty room,
Cries-"Lord, my lord, what can I do at home?'
In short, there's girls enough for all the fellows,
The ranting, whining, starting, and the jealous,
The Hotspurs, Romeos, Hamlets, and Othellos.
Oh! little do those silly people know
What dreadful trials actors undergo.
Myself, who most in harmony delight,
Am scolding here from morning until night.
Then take advice from me, ye giddy things,
Ye royal milliners, ye apron'd kings;

Young men, beware, and shun your slippery