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ON AN UCLY OLD WOMAN.
mother, both of whoin were extremely ill.
PRUDENT ADVICE. " Yes," said the general,“ honour your father
Among the tombs in Westminster-abbey is one and your mother, that your days may be long."
to the memory of a nabob who is said to have acPOPE's VERACITY.
quired a large fortune in the east by dishonourable
means. The monument describes the resurrection: Pope Alexander VIth. used to say, when re
the defunct is represented as rising from the grave, minded of promises he never intended to perform, with astonishment in his face, and opening a cur. " It is true' I did make a promise, but I did not tuin to see what is the matter. Some wag wrote take an oath to keep it.”
under the figure :
Lie still if you're wise ;
You'll be damn’d if you rise. Whilst in the dark on thy soft hand I hung,
ON A MISER AND A SPENDTHRIFT. Aod heard the tempting Syren in thy tongue; Rich Gripe does all his thoughts and cunning bend, What flames, what darts, what avguish I endur'd! T' increase that wealth he wants a soul to spend But when the candle enter'd, I was cur'd. Poor Shifter does his whole contrivance set
To spend that wealth he wants the sense to get; ROYAL REGULATION.
How happy would to each appear his fate, When George the Second was once told by some Had Gripe bis humour, or he Gripe's estate, of his confidential friends, that every thing was Kind Fate and Fortune, blend 'em if you can ! complained of, and that the people were extreme- And, of two wretches, makc ove bappy man. ly dissatisfied at the tardiness of making the public paymeots, he, in great wrath, sent for the Duke of Newcastle, his prime-minister, and told him he General Kirk, who had served many years: would no longer suffer such infamous delays, but Tangiers, was pressed by James the Second to was determined to inspect and regulate the ac- come a proselyte to the Romish religion. counts himself; and for this purpose he command-expressed great concern that it was not in ed that the proper papers should be immediately power to comply with his majesty's desire, becar sent to St. James's. They shall be sent to your he was really pre-engaged. The king smited. majesty to-morrow ;” replied the duke. When asked him what he meant? “Why, truly, the king rose in the morning, and hooked out or swered Kirk, when I was abroad, I promis his wiudow, he saw two waggon-loads of papers, the Emperor of Morocco, that if ever chan, each tied with red tape, unloading in the area. my religion I would turn Mahom:etin ; I ve Enquiring what they were, he was told they came did break my word in any life, and I beg leas. from the Duke of Newcastle ; to whom he sent to say I never will." koow what it meant. “ They are the papers for examination," said the duke; “twelve more
A PARSON'S DREAD. waggons-load for your majesty's inspection shall In a storm at sea, the chaplain asked one of be sent in the course of the day.”_" For my in- crew, if he thought there was any danger. spection!” replied the enraged monarch : “ for yes,” replied the sailor : " if it blows as han my inspection ! the devil's chief clerk may inspect it does now, we shall all be in heaven before in them, but I would as soon walk barefooted to Je- o'clock at night." The chaplain terrified a rusalem."
expression, cried out, “ The Lord forbid."
UNEXPECTED MEETING. The Captain of a West-Indiaman having bought A young author was reading a tragedy to agen3 horse, said to the jocky,“ Well, now the horse tleman, who soon discovered that he was a great * mine, pray tell me candidly whether he has plagiarist. The poet perceiving his auditor very eny faults, and what they are."._-- What do you often pull off his hat at the end of a line, asked mran to do with him?" said the other. " Why, him the reason. “I cannot pass an old acquaintto take him to sea,
,” answered the captain. ance," replied the critic,“ without that civility." * Then I will be candid," replied the jockey, he may go very well at sea ; but on land he
EPIGRAM. cannot go at all, or I would not have sold him." It is a maxim in the schools,
That women always doat on fools ;
If so, dear Jack, l'm sure your wife
WHITE-WASHING GENIUS. kasz were made) against the publishers of parliamentary debates, “ because," said he, good na.. A wretched artist was talking pompously about turedly, they make better speeches for us than decorating the ceiling of his saloon. "I am we do for ourselves."
white-washing it," said he," and in a short time
I shall begin painting.”—“ I think you had THE WELSHMAN AND HIS HOST. better," replied one of his audience," paint it A Welshman coming late into an inn,
first, and then white-wash it." esked of the inaid, what meat there was withio ?
NEGATIVE success OF A PŁAY.
A person being present at a conversation in ther of these shall serve ; to night the breast,
which a very dull play was talked of, attempted Ter becis at morning; then light meat is best ;
a defence of it by saying, " it was not hissed.”. It night, he took the breast, and did not pay,
“ True,” said another, “I grant you that; but no Mimarsing, took bis heels and run away.
one can hiss and gape at the same time."
TRIVIAL WAGER. THE INGENIOUS LAWYER. Arokosellor was one day asked by a judge why exclaimed a warm and duil örator, to the presi
“ I will forfeit my head if you are not wrong." as always employed in knavish causes. dent Montesquieu in an argument. Why, tay ford," said the counsellor, I have so much in the habit of losing good causes, friends has a value.”
it,” replied the philosopher ; * any trifle among I think 1 bad better underlake bad ones.
Mr. Andrew Cherry, the performer, having reA priter in one of the reviews, was boasting, ceived an offer for an engagement from a manager, he was in the habit of distributing literary re- who had not behaved altogether well to him, sent * . "Yes," replied his friend, and you him word, " that he had been hit by him once, dweit so profusely that you have left none and be was resolved that he should not make luo
bites of A. Cherry.”
their lord was not well, and could sec no compar
that day. “ But tell him," said Lacy, "I me A nabob, in a severe fit of the gout, told his physician he suffered the pains of the damned. The see him, for I come to him from the Lord God doctor coolly answered, “ What, already."
which being told the chief-justice, he ordered a
to be called in, and asked him bis business. MATRIMONIAL CONCORD.
come," said he, “ from the Lord, who has sent Who says that Giles' and Joan at discord be?
to thee, and would have thee grant a noli proseTh’ observing neighbours no such mood can see..
for John Atkins, who is bis servant, and wh Indeed, poor Giles repents he married ever ;
thou bast cast into prison."-" Thou art a fa But that his Joan doth too. And Giles would never prophet," answered Holt, “and a lying knas By his free will be in Joan's company;
if the Lord had sent thee, it would have been No more would Joan he should. Giles rises early, in my power to grant a noli prosequi."
the attorney-general, for he knows that it is And having got him out of doors is glad ; The like is Joan. But turning home is sad ;
A courtier one day coming out of the Hou If now, with man and wife, to will and nill Lords, accosted a nobleman with, “ How The self-same things, a note of concord be, your pot boil, my lord, in these trouble I know no couple better can agree.
times ? To which the other replied, "I nev
BEN Jonson. into my kitchen ; but I dare say the ico A FIRST APPEARANCE.
PUKCELL'S PUNS. The late Duke of Norfolk was much addicted to the bottle. On a masquerade vight, he asked
Daniel Purcell, the famous punster, and a Foote what new character he should go in. “ Go of his going to a tavern, found the door shut. sober,” said Foote.
kpocked at it, when one of the drawers 1
through a little wicket, and asked what CONVENIENT NAP.
would please to have ?
“Why open your d Two Oxford scholars slept in the same room at said Daniel," and draw us a pint of wine." college.“ Jack," said one, early in the morn- drawer said, “ his master would not allow ing, are you asleep?"-" Why }” replied the that day, for it was a fast-day."-'D other, " Because if you are not, I wil borrow master," replied Parcell," for a precise cor half-d-crown of you."_“Is that all? Then I am.” is he not contented to fast himself, but he
make bis doors fast too ?” FALSE PROPHET.
The same gentleman calling for some pi When lord-chief-justice Holt sent one of the a tavern, complained that they were too French prophets to prison, Mr. Lacy, one of their the drawer said they had no other, and thos followers came to his lordship's house, and de- but just come in. “ Ay,” said Daniel, sired to speak with him. The servants told him your inaster bas not bought them very long.
The same gentleman was desired one night in valier, looking upon one of the new pieces, read company, to make a pun extempore. Upon this inscription on one side, “ God with us," on what subject ?" said Daniel, " The king," answer the other, " The Commonwealth of England.”ed the other. “O! Šir," said he," the king is “ I see,” said he, “ God and the commonwealth 60 tabject."
are on different sides." IRISH LAW. An Irislı lawyer had a client of his own coun. A Welshman boasting of his fanily, said, his fatry, who was a sailor. During his absence at ther's effigy was set up in Westminster Abbey. sea, his wife bad married again, and he was re- Being asked where, he said, “ In the same monumoved to prosecute her; coming to advise with ment with 'Squire Thynne's ; for he was his this counsellor, he was told that he must hare wit- coachman." desses to prove that he was alive when his wife married agaio. " Arrab, by my shoul, but that
SAMPSON's strENGTH SURPASSED. will be impossible,” said the other ; " for my A person was saying, not at all to the purpose, shipmates are all gone to sea again upon a long that Sampson was a very strong man." Ay," yogage, and will not return this twelvemonib.”
said another, “ but you are much stronger, for *Oh! then," answered the lawyer, "there can you make nothing of lagging him in by the head be nothing done in it: and what a pity it is that and shoulders." sacs a brave cause should be lost now, ooly be
THE MINISTRY. 5223e you cannot prove yourself to be alive." BETTING AND PRAYING.
An oppositionist happening to be at a dinner
at the lord mayor's, afier two or three healths, Twogentleman disputingabont religion in a cof- the ministry was toasted ; but when it came bo-boue, one of them said, “ I wonder, sir, you to his turn to drink, he diverted it for some Sald talk of religion, when I'll hold you five time, by telling a story to the person who sat next puineas you can't say the Lord's Prayer."- him. The chief magistrate of the city, not seeing
Dwe," said the other. The money being dc his toast go round, called out, “ Gentlemen, where parited, the gentleman began with I believe in God, sticks the ministry ?”—“ Ai nothing, by G-d,"
10 went cleverly through the Creed. “Well," said the oppositionist, and drank off his glass.
the other, " I own I have lost; I did not leak he could have done it."
A barrister who was lame of one leg, pleading PILLARS AND BUTTRESSES.
Before a late judge, who had little or no nose, the le line beginning of Queen Anne's reign, three judge told him, he was afraid he had but a lame tapr rakes reeling home from the Foun- cause of it. "Oh, my lord," said the barrister, Tater, in the Strand, on a Sunday morning, "have but Jittle patience, and I'll warrant I
ws, We are the pillars of the church."- prove every thing as plain as the nose in your Xo" said a way, that happened to be in their face.” gany, * you can be but. buttresses; for you
FLATTERING RESEMBLANCE. come inside of it.” TTO SIDES OF THE QUESTION.
A prince laughing at onc of his courtiers, whom
he had employed in scveral cinbassics, told him he Men Oliver first coined his money, au olă ca- 'looked like an owl, “ I know not," answered
the courtier,“ what I look like, but this I know,
THE POOR SCHOLAR. that I have had the honour several times to represent your Majesty's person.”
A beggar asking alms under the name of a poc
scbolar, a gentleman, to whom he applied, at PETITION ANSWERED.
him a questivo in Latin. The fellow shaking When Sir Clondesley Shovel set out on his last head, said, be did not understand him. “Why expedition, a form of prayer was composed by said the gentleman, did not you say you were the Archbishop of Canterbury for the success of poor scholar!"-" Yes," replied the other, the feet, in which his grace inade use of this ex- poor one indeed, sir, for I do not understand pression, “That he begged God would be a rock word of Latio." of defence to the fleet." Sir Cloudesley was cast
CONVENIENT LOS$. away in that expedition on the rocks called the Bishop and his Clerks, on which circumstance
It was said of one who remembered every the the following lines were written :
that he lent, but nothing that he borrowed, The priest at Lambeth pray'd the dire event,
he had lost half his memory. Else had we wanted now this monument,
An Englishman and a Welshman disputin To what the Metropolitan said then,
whose country was the best living; the Welch The Bishop and his Clerks replied, Amen.
said, " There is such poble housekeeping in W
that I have known above a dozen cooks em MAGISTERIAL LEARNING.
ed at one wedding dinnner."-" Ay," answ A mayor of Yarmouth being by his office a jus- the Englishman,
**that was because every tice of the peace, and one who was willing to toasted his own cheese.” dispense the laws wisely, though he could bardly
JERVAIS, THE PAINTER. read, procured the statute-book, where finding a Jaw against firing a beacon, or causing any beacon
Sir Godfrey Kneller being one day told to be fired after nine at night; the sapient mayor the same town with a coach and four, "Ay.
servant that Mr. Jervais had coine that da read it, frying bacon, or causing any bacon to be fried. Accordingly he went out the next night on
Sir Godfrey “if his horses draw no berie the scent, and being directed by his nose to a car- himself, they'll never carry him to town aga rier's house, he found the man and his wife both
WORSTED AND SILK. frying bacon, the busband holding the pan, wbile the wife turned it; being thus caught in the fact,
A gentleman once asked Nanny Rochfor. and having nothing:o say for themselves, bis wor- the Whigs, in their mourning for Qneeu Ar ship committed them both to gaol to abide the wore silk stockings?
" the Tories wear worsted." consequence of the offence, AN OLD PROVERB.
THE MODEST BEGGAR. It being proved, on a trial at Guildhall, that a Tom Thynne, who was celebrated for man's name was really Inch, who pretended that housekeeping and hospitality, was stand it was Linch," I see,” observed the judge," the day at his gate in the country, when a old saying is verified in this man, who being al-came up to him, and begged his worshi lowed an Inch has taken an L.
give him a mug of bis sinull beer.