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Mar. Joy, my dear George, I give you joy | Hard. (Joining their hands.) And I say so sincerely. And could I prevail on my little too. And, Mr. Marlow, if she makes as good tyrant here to be less arbitrary, I should be the a wife as she has a daughter, I don't believe you'll happiest man alive, if you would return me the ever repent your bargain. So now to supper. favour.

To-morrow we shall gather all the poor of the Hast. (To Miss HARDCASTLE.) Come, Ma- parish about us, and the mistakes of the night dam, you are now driven to the very last scene of shall be crowned with a merry morning; so, boy, all your contrivances. I know you like him, I'm take her: and as you have been mistaken in the sure he loves you, and you must and shall have mistress, my wish is, that you may never be mis him.

taken in the wife.

(Eseunt.

BON TON:

OR,

HIGH LIFE ABOVE STAIRS.

A FARCE,

IN TWO ACTS.

BY DAVID GARRICK, Esq.

REMARKS This agreeable after-piece, which abounds with pleasantry, and possesses an excellent moral, was first peformed at Drury Lane theatre, 1775, to recognise (in the words of the author) “the inerit and integrity of Mr. Thomas King, by bringing it out for his benefit, as a token of regard.”

It is an additional proof of Mr. Garrick's useful talents, and always commands a well-deserved applause ** This is a well-limed satirical piece, in which the profligate fashions of the age, imported from France and Italy, and greedily swallowed by the high-born fools of London, are well contrasted with the plain downright manders of an honest country gentleman, who, by an accidental visit to the metropolis, discovers a most shocking meta morphosis in the morals of both sexes, and more especially exemplified among his own relations."

DRAMATIS PERSONÆ

LORD MINIKIN,..
SIR J. TROTLEY,
JESSAMY,
COLONEL TIvy,...
Davy,

DRURY LANE
Mr. R. Palmer.
Mr. Dowlon.
Mr. De Camp.
Mr. Holland.
Mr. Mathews.

LADY MINIKIN....
Miss TITTUP,..
GYMP,

Mrs. Dormes
Miss Mellon.
Miss Tidswell.

ACT I.

with a minx in a pink cardinal; you shall abde: SCENE I.

lutely burn yours, Tittup, for I shall never bear

to see one of that colour again. Enter Lady MINIKIN and Miss TittUP.

Miss T. Sure she does not suspect me! Lady M. It is not, my dear, that I have the (Aside.) And where was your ladyship, pray, least regard for my lord; I had no love for him when you saw him ? before I married him, and, you know, matrimony Lady M. Taking the air with Colonel Tiny is no breeder of affection; but it hurts my pride, in his vis-a-vis. that he should neglect me, and run after other Miss T. But, my dear Lady Minikin, how can women.

you be so angry that my lord was hurting your Miss T. Ha, ha, ha! how can you be so hy- pride, as you call it, in the hackney-coach, when pocritical, Lady Minikin, as to pretend to un- you had him so much in your power, in the vi easiness at such trifles! but pray have you a-vis ? made any new discoveries of my lord's gal- Lady M. What, with my lord's friend, and lantry?

my friend's lover! [Takes her by the hand.) O Lady M. New discoveries! why, I saw him fie, Tittup! myself yesterday morning in a hackney-coach, Miss T. Pooh, pooh, love and friendship are

way.

very fine naines to be sure, but they are mere l'ittup ever after—you'll excuse me, cousin".. visiting acquaintance; we know their names in- and so he left me. deed, talk of 'em sometimes, and let 'em knock at Lady M. O, the barbarian! our doors, but we never let 'em in, you know.

Enter GYMP. (Looking roguishly at her. Lady M. I vow, T'ittup, you are extremely Gymp. A card, your Ladyship, from Mrs. polite.

Pewitt. Miss T. I am extremely indifferent in these Lady M. Poor Pewitt ! if she can be but seen affairs, thanks to my education. We must marry, at public places, with a woman of quality, she's you know, because other people of fashion marry; the happiest of plebeians. [Reads the card. but I should think very meanly of myself, if, after “ Mrs. Pewitt 's respects to Lady Minikin, and I was married, I should feel the least concern at Miss Tittup; hopes to hare the pleasure of atall about my husband.

tending them to Lady Filigree's ball this erenLady M. I hate to praise myself, and yet I ing. Lady Daisey sees masks.” We'll certainly may with truth aver, that no woman of quality attend her-Gymp, put some message cards upon ever had, can have, or will have, so consummate my toilet, I'll send an answer immediately; and a contempt for her lord, as I have for my most tell one of my footmen, that he must make some honourable and puissant Earl of Minikin, Vis visits for me to-day again, and send me a list of count Periwinkle, and Baron Titmouse-ha, those he made yesterday: he must be sure to call ha, ha!

at Lady Pettitoes, and if she should unluckily be Miss T. But is it not strange, Lady Minikin, at home, he must say that he came to inquire that merely his being your husband, should cre- after her sprained ancle. ate such indifference; for certainly, in every other Miss T. Ay, ay, give our compliments to her eye, his lordship has great accomplishments ? sprained ancle.

Lady M. Accomplishments! thy head is cer Lady M. That woman's so fat, she'll never tainly turned; if you know any of’em, pray let's get well of it, and I am resolved not to call at have 'em; they are a novelty, and will amuse me. her door myself

, till I am sure of not finding her Miss T. Imprimis, he a man of quality. at home. I am horribly low spirited to-day ; do,

Lady M. Which, to be sure, includes all the send your colonel to play at chess with me,cardinal virtues-poor girl! go on !

since he belonged to you, Titty, I have taken a Miss T. He is a very handsome man. kind of liking to him; Í like every thing that Lady M. He has a very bad constitution. loves my Titty.

(Kisses her. Miss T. He has wit.

Miss T. I know you do, my dear lady. Lady M. He is a lord, and a little goes a great

[Kisses her.

Lady M. That sneer I don't like; if she sus Viss T. He has great good nature.

pects, I shall hate her: [Aside.) Well, dear Titty, Lady M. No wonder-he's a fool.

I'll go and write my cards, and dress for the mas Miss T. And then his fortune, you'll allow-querade, and if that won't raise my spirits, you

Lady M. Was a great one-but he games, must assist me to plague my lord a little. (Erit. and if fairly, he's undone ; if not, he deserves to Miss T. Yes, and I'll plague my lady a little, be hanged--and so, exit my Lord Minikin- or I am much mistaken: my lord shall know and now, let your wise uncle, and my good every tittle that has passed: what a poor, blind, cousin, Sir John Trotley, baronet, enter: where half-witted, self-conceited creature this dear friend is he, pray?

and relation of mine is! and what a fire spirited Miss ř. In his own room, I suppose, reading gallant soldier my colonel is! my Lady Minikin pamphlets, and newspapers, against the enormi-likes him, he likes my fortune; and my lord likes ties of the times; if he stays here a week longer, me, and I'like my lord; however not so much as he notwithstanding my expectations from him, i imagines, or to play the fool so rashly as he may shall certainly affront him.

expect. She must be very silly indeed, who can't Lady M. I am a great favourite, but it is im- Autter about the flame without burning her wings possible much longer to act up to his very right--what a great revolution in this family, in the eous ideas of things ;-isn't it pleasant to hear space of fifteen months !—we went out of Enghim abuse every body, and every thing, and yet land, a very awkward, regular, good English always finishing with a—you'll excuse me, cousin? family! but half a year in France, and a winter ha, ha, ha!

passed in the warmer climate of Italy, have riMisa T. What do you think the Goth said to pened our minds to every refinement of ease, dis me yesterday? one of the knots of his tye hang- sipation, and pleasure. ing down his left shoulder, and his fringed cravat nicely twisted down his breast, and thrust through

Enter COLONEL Tıvy. his gold button-hole, which looked exactly like Col. T. May I hope, Madam, that your niy ittle Barbet's head in his gold collar—"Niece humble servant had some share in your last Tittup," cries he, drawing himself up, “I protest reverie ? against this manner of conducting yourself, both Miss T. How is it possible to have the least at home and abroad.”. What are your objections, knowledge of Colonel Tivy, and not make him Sir John ? answered I, a little pertly. “Various the principal object of one's reflections ! and manifold," replied he; “ I have no time to Col. T. That man must have very little fee). mumerate particulars now, but I will venture to ing and taste, who is not proud of a place in the prophesy, if you keep whirling round in the vor- thoughts of the finest woman in Europe. tex of Pantheons, Operas, Festinos, Coteries, Miss T. O fie, colonel ! Masquerades, and all the Devilades in this town,

[Courtesies and blushes. your head will be giddy, down you will fall, lose Col. T. By my honour, Madam, I mean what the name of Lurretia, and be called nothing but | I say.

Miss T. By your honour, colonel! why will parade in St. James' Park, to the stool and brush you pass off your counters to me ? don't I know at the corner of every street, have their hair tied that you fine gentlemen regard no honour but up--the mason laying bricks, the baker with his that which is given at the gaming table; and basket, the post-boy crying, newspapers, and the which indeed ought to be the only honour you doctors prescribing physic, have all their hair tied should make free with.

up; and that's the reason so many heads are tied Col. T. How can you, Miss, treat me so cruelly? | up every month. have I not absolutely forsworn dice, mistress, Davy. I shall have my head tied up to-morrow; every thing, since I dared to offer myself to you? –Mr. Whisp will do it for me—your honour and

Miss T. Yes, colonel, and when I dare to re- I look like Philistines among 'em. ceive you, you may return to every thing again, Sir J. And I shall break your head if it is tied and not violate the laws of the present happy ma- up; I hate innovation ;-all confusion and no dis trimonial establishment.

tinction !-the streets now are as smooth as a Col. T. Give me but your consent, Madam, turnpike road! no rattling and exercise in the and your life to come

hackney-coaches; those who ride in 'em are all Miss T. Do you get my consent, colonel, and fast asleep; and they have strings in their hands, I'll take care of my life to come.

that the coachman must pull to waken 'em, wben Col. T. How shall I get your consent ? they are to be set down-what luxury and abomi Miss T. By getting me in the humour. nation! Col. T. But how to get you in the humour ? Davy. Is it so, your honour ? 'feckins, I liked

Miss T. O, there are several ways; I am very it hugely, good natured.

Sir J. But you must hate and detest London. Col. T. Are you in the humour now?

Davy. How can I manage that, your honour, Miss T. Try me.

when there is every thing to delight my eye, and Col. T. How shall I ?

cherish my heart ? Miss T. How shall I ?--you a soldier, and not Sir J. 'Tis all deceit and delusion. know the art military ?-how shall I ?—I'll tell Davy. Such crowding, coaching, carting, and you how;when you have a subtle, treacherous, squeezing; such a power of fine sights, fine shops polite enemy to deal with, never stand shilly shally, full of fine things, and then such fine illuminaand lose your time in trcaties and parleys, but tions all of a row! and such fine dainty ladies in cock your hat, draw your sword;-march, beat the streets, so civil and so graceless—they talk of drum-dub, dub, a dub-present, fire, piff-pauff-country girls, these here look more healthy and 'tis done! they fly, they yield-victoria ! victoria ! rosy by half.

[Running off Sir. J. Sirrah, they are prostitutes, and an Col. T. Stay, stay, my dear, dear angel! civil to delude and destroy you: they are painted

[Bringing her back. Jezabels, and they who hearken to 'em, like Je Miss T. No, no, no, I have no time to be killed zabel of old, will go to the dogs! If you dare to now; besides, Lady Minikin is in the vapours, look at 'em, you will be tainted, and if you speak and wants you at chess, and my lord is low spi- to 'em you are undone. rited, and wants me at picquet; my uncle is in an Davy. Bless us, bless us !-how does your ho ill humour, and wants me to discard you, and go nour know all this ?-were they as bad in your with him into the country.

time? Col. T. And will you, Miss ?

Sir J. Not by half, Davy-in my time, there Miss T. Will I?-no, I never do as I am bid? was a sort of decency in the worst of women ;but you ought—so go to my lady.

but the harlots now watch like tigers for their Col. T. Nay, but Miss

prey; and drag you to their dens of infamy-ser, Miss T. Nay, but colonel, if you wont obey Davy, how they have torn my neckcloth. your commanding officer, you shall be broke, and

(Shows his neckclola then my maid wont accept of you; so march, Davy. If you had gone civilly, your honour, colonel ! lookye, Sir, I will command before mar- they would not have hurt you. riage, and do what I please afterwards, or I have Sir J. Well, we'll get away as fast as we can been well educated to very little purpose. (Exit. Dary. Not this month, I hope, for I have not

Col. T. What a mad devil it is!—now, if I had half my bellyful yet. had the least affection for the girl, I should be Sir J. I'll knock you down, Davy, if you grow damnably vexed at this !—but she has a fine for-profligate; you sha'n't go out again to-night, and tune, and I must have her if I can. –Tol, lol, tomorrow keep in my room, and stay till I can lol, &c.

(Erit singing. look over my things, and see they don't cheat you Enter Sir John TROTLEY, and Davy.

Dady. Your honour then wont keep your word with me?

[Sulkity Sir J. Hold your tongue, Davy; you talk like Sir J. Why, what did I promise you ! a fool.

Davy. That I should take sixpen'oth of one of Davy. It is a fine place, your honour, and I the theatres to-night, and a shilling place at the could live here for ever!

other to-morrow. Sir J. More shame for you :- live here for Sir J. Well, well, so I did ; is it a moral piede, ever !—what, among thieves and pickpockets !- Davy? what a revolution since my time ! the more I see, Davy. O yes, and written by a clergyman; is the more I've cause for lamentation; what a is called the Rival Canaanites, or the Tragedy of dreadful change has time brought about in twenty Braggadocia. years! I should not have known the place again, Sir J. Be a good lad, and I wont be worse nor the people; all the signs that made so noble than my word; there's money for you-(Gimn an appearance, are all taken down ;-not a bob him some.] but come straighi home, for I shall ar tye-wig to be seen! all the degrees, from the I want to go to bed.

Davy. To be sure, your honour -as I am to go the hackney-coach; she did not know me, I be#) soon, I'll make a night of it. (Aside, and exit. lieve; she pretends to be greatly uneasy at your

Sir J. This fellow would turn rake and mac- neglect of her; she certainly has some mischief saroni if he was to stay here a week longer-bless in her head. me, what dangers are in this town at every step! Lord M. No intentions, I hope, of being fond O, that I were once settled safe again at Trotley-1 of me? place !--nothing but to save my country should Miss T. No, no, make yourself easy; she hates bring me back again: my niece, Lucretia, is so be- you most unalterably. fashioned and be-devilled, that nothing, I fear, can

Lord M. You have given me spirits again. save her; however, to ease my conscience, I must Miss T. Her pride is alarmed, that you should try; but what can be expected from the young prefer any of the sex to her. women of these times, but sallow looks, wild Lord M. Her pride then has been alarmed schemes, saucy words, and loose morals !--they ever since I had the honour of knowing her. lie a-bed all day, sit up all night; if they are si

Miss T. But, dear my lord, let us be merry lent, they are gaming; and if they talk, 'tis either and wise; should she ever be convinced that we scandal or intidelity, and that they may look have a tendre for each other, she certainly would what they are, their heads are all feather, and proclaim it, and thenround their necks are twisted rattlesnake tippets Lord M. We should be envied, and she would -O tempora, O mores!

be laughed at, my sweet cousin.

Miss T. Nay, I would have her mortified too SCENE II.

for though I love her ladyship sincerely: I canLORD MINIKIN discovered in his powdering

not say, but I love a little mischief as sincerely:

but then if my uncle, Trotley, should know of goun, with JESSAMY and Mignon.

our affairs, he is so old-fashioned, prudish, and Lord J. Pr’ythee, Mignon, don't plague me out of the way, he would either strike me out of any more; dost think that a nobleman's head has his will, or insist upon my quitting the house. nothing to do but be tortured all day under thy

Lord M. My good cousin is a queer mortal, infernal fingers ? give me my clothes.

that 's certain; I wish we could get him handMig. Ven your loss your monee, my lor, you somely into the country again-he has a fine forno goot humour; the devil may dress your cheveu tune to leave behind him. for me!

[Erit. Miss T. But then he lives so regularly, and Lord M. That fellow's an impudent rascal, never makes use of a physician, that he may live but he's a genius, so I must bear with him. Our these twenty years. beef and pudding enrich their blood so much,

Lord M. What can we do with the barbarian? Chat the slaves in a month forget their misery

Miss T. I dont know what's the matter with ind soup-maigre-O, my head-a chair, Jessa- me, but I am really in fear of him: I suppose, ny!-I must absolutely change my wine-mer- reading his formal books when I was in the counhant: I can't taste his champagne, without dis- try with him, and going so constantly to church, rdering myself for a week !--heigho. (Sighs. with my elbows stuck to my hips, and my toes

turned in, has given me these foolish prejudices. Enter Miss Tittup.

Lord M. Then you must affront hím, or you'll Miss T. What makes you sigh, my lord ? never get the better of him. Lord M. Because you were so near me, child. Sir John TROTLEY, knocking at the door. Miss T. Indeed! I should rather have thought

Sir J. My lord, my lord, are you busy? y lady had been with you—by your looks, my

[Lord M. goes to the door, softly. rd, I am afraid Fortune jilted you last night. Miss T. Heavens ! 'tis that detestable brute, Lord M. No, faith; our champagne was not od yesterday. I am vapoured like our English Lord M. That horrid dog, my cousin ! ovember; but one glance of my Tittup can dis Miss T. What shall we do, my lord ? (Softly I vapours like-like

Sir J. (At the door.) Nay, my lord, my lord, I Miss T. Like something very fine, to be sure; heard you ; pray let me speak with you. t pray keep your simile for ihe next time ;

Lord . Ho, Sir John, is it you? I beg your d harkye-a little prudence will not be amiss ; pardon, I'll put up my papers, and open the door. :. Jessamy will think you mad, and me worse.

Miss T. Stay, stay, my lord, I would not meet

(Half aside. him now for the world; if he sees me here alone Jes. 0, pray don't mind me, Madam.

with you, he'l rave like a madman; put me up Ford M. Gadso, Jessamy, look out my domino, the chimney; any where. (Alarmed. | I'll ring the bell when I want you.

Lord M. I'm coming, Sir John! here, here, get les. I shall, my lord ;-Miss thinks that every behind my great chair; he sha'n't see you, and y is blind in the house but herself.

you may see all ; I'll be short and pleasant with

(Aside, and erit. him. (Puts her behind the chair, and opens liss T. Upon my word, my lord, you must be

the door. tle more prudent, or we shall become the town

Enter Sir John. ord M. And so I will, my dear; and therefore During this scene Lord M. turns the chair, as 'event surprise, I'll lock the door. (Locks it. Sir John mores, to conceal TITTUP. iss T. What do you mean, my lord ?

Sir J. You'll excuse me, my lord, that I have ud M. Prudence, child, prudence. I keep all broken in upon you; I heard you talking pretty ewels under lock and key.

loud; what, have you nobody with you? what iss T. You are not in possession yet, my were you about, cousin ? (Looking about

I can't stay two minutes ; I only came to Lord M. A particular affair, Sir John; 1 al. ou, that Lady Minikin saw us yesterday in i ways lock myself up to study my speeches, and

my uncle

is. I....3 G

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