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SIE STOOPS TO CONQUER:
IN FIVE ACTS.
BY DR. GOLDSMITH.
It has been observed, that no man took less pains with his compositions than Goldsmith, and yet produced 90 powerful an effect: a happy originality distinguishes all his writings. Nature and Genius preside over the comedy hefore us, which restored to the stage, wit, gaiety, incident, and character, in the place of that over-dose of senti mentality and affectation which so long prevailed.
“The language throughout is easy and characteristical; the manners of the times are slightly, but fahhfully, represented; the satire is not ostentatiously displayed, but involved in the business of the play; and the suspense of the audience is artfully kept up to the last."-Davies.
Mr. Lee Lewis..
Mr. Du Bellamy...
. Mrs. Buckley..
DRURY LANE, 1814.
Mr. R. Phillips.
London cannot keep its own fools at home. In SCENE 1.-A Chamber in an old-fashioned among us, but now they travel faster than a stage
my time, the follies of the town crept slowly House,
coach. Its fopperies come down, not only as Enter HARDCASTLE and MRS. HARDCASTLE.
inside passengers, but in the very basket.
Mrs. H. Ay, your times were fine times indeed, Mrs. H. I vow, Mr. Hardcastle, you're very you have been telling us of them for many a long articular. Is there a creature in the whole country, year. Here we live in an old rumbling mansion, out ourselves, that does not take trip to town that looks for all the world like an inn, but that now and then to rub off the rust a little ?' There's we never see company. Our best visitors are old he two Miss Hoggs, and our neighbour, Mrs. Mrs. Oddfish, the curate's wife, and little CrippleGrigsby, go to take a month's polishing every gate, the lame dancing-master; and all our enterinter
tainment your old stories of Prince Eugene ana Hard. Ay, and bring back vanity and affecta- the Duke of Marlborough. I hate such nld. ion to last them the whole year. I wonder why fashioned trumpery. VOL. I.... 3D
Hard. And I love it. I love every thing that's doctor, little Aminidab that grinds the music-bos, old; old friends, old times, old manners, old books, and Tom Twist that spins the pewter-platter. old wine; and I believe, Dorothy, [Taking her Mrs. H. Pray, my dear, disappoint them for hand.) you'll own I have been pretty fond of an one night at least. old wite.
Tony. As for disappointing them, I should not Mrs. H. Lord, Mr. Hardcastle, you're for ever so much mind: but I can't alide to disappoint at your Dorothys and your old wives. You may myself. be a Darby, but I'll be no Joan, I promise you. Mrs. H. (Detaining him.) You sha’n't go. I'm not so old as you'd make me by more than Tony. I will, I tell you. one good year. Add twenty to twenty, and make Mrs. H. I say, you sha'n't. inoney of that.
Tony. We'll see which is strongest, you or I. Hard Let me see; twenty added to twenty
(Eseunt. makes just fifty and seven.
Hard. Ay, there goes a pair that only spoil Mrs. H. It's false, Mr. Hardcastle: I was but each other. But is not the whole age in a com twenty when I was brought to bed of Tony, that bination to drive sense and discretion out of doors? I had' by Mr. Lumpkin, my first husband, and There's my pretty darling Kate; the fashions of he's not come to years of discretion yet.
the times have almost infected her too. By living Hard. Nor ever will, I dare answer for him. a year or two in town, she is as fond of gauze and Ay, you have taught him finely.
French frippery, as the best of them. Mrs. H. No matter ; Tony Lumpkin has a
Enter Miss HARDCASTLE. good fortune. My son is not to live by his horning. I don't think a boy wants much learning to Hard. Blessings on my pretty innocence !spend fifteen hundred a year.
Dressed out as usual, my Kate. Goodness! what Hard. Learning, quotha! a mere composition a quantity of superfluous silk hast thou got about of tricks and mischief.
thee, girl! I could never teach the fools of this Mrs. H. Humour, my dear; nothing but hu. age, that the indigent world could be clothed out mour. Come, Mr. Hardcastle, you must allow of the trimmings of the vain. the boy a little humour.
Miss H. You know our agreement, Sir. You Hard. I'd sooner allow him a horsepond. If allow me the morning to receive and pay visits, burning the footman's shoes, frighting the maids, and to dress in my own manner; and in the evenworrying the kittens, be humour, he has it. Ii ing, I put on my housewife's dress to please you. was but yesterday he fastened my wig to the back Hard. Well, remember I insist on the terms of my chair, and when I went to make a bow, of our agreement: and by the by, I believe I shall I popp'd my bald head into Mrs. Frizzle's face. have occasion to try your obedience this very even
Mrs. H. And am I to blame? The poor boy ing. was always too sickly to do any good. A school Miss H. I protest, Sir, I don't comprehend your would be his death. When he comes to be a meaning. little stronger, who knows what a year or two's Hard. Then to be plain with you, Kate, I er. Latin may do for him?
pect the young gentleman I have chosen to be Hard. Latin for him! a cat and a fiddle. No, your husband from town this very day. I have ao, the alehouse and the stable are the only schools his father's letter, in which he informs me his son he'll ever go to.
is set out, and that he intends to follow hires If Mrs. H. Well, we must not snub the poor boy shortly after. now; for I believe we sha'n't have him long Miss H. Indeed! I wish I had known somneamong us. Any body that looks in his face may thing of this before. Bless me, how shall I be see he's consumptive.
have? It's a thousand to one I sha'n't like him; Hard. Ay, if growing too fat be one of the our meeting will be so formal, and so like a thing symptoms.
of business, that I shall find 'no room for friend Mrs. H. He coughs sometimes.
ship or esteem. Hard. Yes, when his liquor goes the wrong Hard. Depend upon it, child, I'll never control
your choice; but Mr. Marlow, whom I have Mrs. H. I'm actually afraid of his lungs. pitched upon, is the son of my old friend, Sir Hard. And truly, so am I; for he sometimes Charles Marlow, of whom you have heard me whoops like a speaking-trumpet-[Tony halloo- talk so often. The young gentleman has been ing behind the scenes.] -Othere he goes—A very bred a scholar, and is designed for an employ: consumptive figure, truly.
ment in the service of his country. I am told Enter Tony, crossing the stage.
he's a man of excellent understanding.
Miss H. Is he ? Mrs. H. Tony, where are you going, my charm- Hard. Very generous. er ? Won't you give papa and I a little of your Miss H. I believe I shall like him. company, lovee ?
Hard. Young and brave. Tony. I'm in haste, mother, I can't stay. Miss H. I'm sure I shall like him. Mrs. H. You sha'n't venture out this raw even- Hard. And very handsome. ing, my dear; you look most shockingly. Miss H. My dear papa, say no more; (Kissing
Tony. I can't stay, I tell you. The Three his hand.] he 's mine, I'll have him. t'igeons expect me down every moment. There's Hard. And, to crown all, Kate, he's one of the some fun going forward.
most bashful and reserved young fellows in the Hard. Ay; the alehouse, the old place: I world. thought so.
Miss H. Eh! you have frozen me to death Mrs. H. A low, paltry set of fellows.
again. That word reserved has undone all the Tony. Not so low, neither. There's Dick rest of his accomplishments. A reserved lover, it Muggins the exciseman, Jack Slang the horse- \ is said, always makes a suspicious husband
Hard. On the contrary, modesty seldom resides | Miss H. And her partiality is such, that she in a breast that is not enriched with nobler virtues. actually thinks him so. A fúrtune like yours is It was the very feature in his character that first no small temptation. Besides, as she has the sole struck me.
management of it, I'm not surprised to see her Miss H. He must have more striking features unwilling to let it go out of the family. to catch me, I promise you. However, if he be so Miss N. A fortune like mine, which chiefly young, so handsome, and so every thing, as you consists in jewels, is no such mighty temptation. mention, I believe he'll do still. I think I'll have But at any rate, if my dear Hastings be but conhim.
stant, I make no doubt to be too hard for her at Hard. Ay, Kate, but there is still an obstacle. last. However, I let her suppose that I am in It's more than an even wager he may not have love with her son, and she never once dreams that you.
my affections are fixed upon another. Miss H. My dear papa, why will you mortisy Miss H. My good brother holds out stoutly. I one so ?- Well, if he refuses, instead of breaking could almost love him for hating you so. my heart at his indifference, l'll only break my Miss N. It is a good natured creature at botglass for its flattery; set my cap to some newer tom, and I'm sure would wish to see me married fashion, and look out for some less difficult to any body but himself. But my aunt's bell admirer.
rings for our afternoon's walk round the improveHard. Bravely resolved! In the mean time ments. Allon's, courage is necessary, as our afI'll go prepare the servants for his reception; as fairs are critical. we seldom see company, they want as much train Miss H. Would it were bed time, and all were ing as a company of recruits the first day's mus. well. ter.
(Exit. Miss H. Lud, this news of papa's puts me all
SCENE II.-An Alehouse Room. in a futter. Young, handsome; these he puts Several shabby fellows, with punch and tobacco. last; but I put them foremost. Sensible, good
Tony at the head of the table. natured; I like all that. But then reserved and sheepish; that's much against him. Yet can't
Omnes. Hurra, hurra, hurra, bravo. he be cured of his timidity, by being taught to be the squire is going to knock himself down for a
1 Fel. Now, gentlemen, silence for a song. proud of his wife? Yes, and can't I-But I vow I'm disposing of the husband, before I have song: secured the lover.
Omnes. Ay, a song, a song.
Tony. Then I'll sing you, gentlemen, a song Enter Miss NEVILLE.
I made upon this alehouse, the Three Pigeons. Miss H. I'm glad you're come, Neville, my Let schoolmasters puzzle their brain, dear. Tell me, Constance, how do I look this With grammar, and nonsense, and learning ; evening? Is there any thing whimsical about me ? Good liquor, I stoully maintain, Is it one of my well looking days, child ? am I in
Gives genius a better discerning. face to-day?
Let them brag of their heathenish gods, Miss N. Perfectly, my dear. Yet now I look
Their Lethes, their Styres, and Stygians, again-bless me! surely no accident has happened
Their quis, and their quæs, and their quods,
They're all but a parcel of pigeons. among the canary birds or the gold fishes. Has
Toroddle, loroddle, loroll. your brother or the cat been meddling? Or has the last novel been too moving?
When methodist preachers come down Miss H. No; nothing of all this. I have been
A preaching that drinking is sinful,
l'U wager the rascals a crown, threatened—I can scarce get it out, I have been
They always preach best with a skinful. threatened with a lover.
But when you come down with your pence, Miss V. And his name
For a slice of their scurvy religion, Miss H. Is Marlow.
PU leave it to all men of sense, Miss N. Indeed !
But you, my good friend, are the pigeon. Miss H. The son of Sir Charles Marlow.
Toroddle, &c. Miss N. As I live, the most intimate friend of
Then come, put the jorum about, Mr. Hastings, my admirer. They are never And let us be merry and clever ; asunder. I believe you must have seen him when Our hearls and our liquors are stout , we lived in town.
Here's the Three Jolly Pigeons for ever. Miss H. Never,
Let some cry up woodcock or hare, Miss N. He's a very singular character, I Your bustards, your ducks, and your widgeons, assure you. Among women of reputation and Bul of all the birds in the
air, virtue, he is the modestest man alive; but his ac
Here's a health lo the Three Jolly Pigeons.
Toroddle, &c. quaintance give him a very different character among creatures of another stamp: y v under Omnes. Bravo, bravo. stand me.
1 Fel. The squire has got spunk in him. Miss H. An odd character indeed. I shall 2 Fel. I loves to hear him sing, bekeays he never be able to manage him. What shall I do? never gives us nothing that 's low. Pshaw, think no more of him; but trust to occur. 3 Fel
. O, damn any thing that's low; I can't rences for success. But how goes on your own bear it. affair, my dear?
has my mother been courting you 4 Fel. The genteel thing is the genteel thing for my brother Tony, as usual ?
at any time, if so be that a gentleman bees in a Miss N. I have just come from one of our concatenation accordingly. agreeable tete-a-tetes. She has been saying a 3 Fel. I like the maxum of it, master Muggins. hundred tender things, and setting off her pretty What though I am obligated to dance a dear, a monster as the very pink of perfection.
man may be a gentleman for all that. May this
be my poison if my bear ever dances but to the Mar. We wanted no ghost to tell us that. very genteelest of tunes ;-"Water parted," or Tony. Pray, gentlemen, may I be so bold as the minuet in Ariadne.
to ask the place from whence you came ? 2 Fel. What a pity it is the squire is not come Mar. That's not necessary towards directing to his own. It would be well for all the publicans us where we are to go. within ten miles round of him.
Tony. No offence : but question for question Tony. Ecod, and so it would, master Slang is all fair, you know. Pray, gentlemen, is not this Pd then show what it was to keep choice of same Hardcastle a cross-grained, old-fashioned, company.
whimsical fellow, with an ugly face, a daughter, 2 Fel. Oh, he takes after his own father for and a pretty son? that. To be sure old 'squire Lumpkin was the Hast. We have not seen the gentleman, but be finest gentleman I ever set my eyes on. For has the family you mention. winding the straight horn or beating a thicket Tony. The daughter, a tall, trapesing, trollopfor a hare, or a wench, he never had his fellow.ing, talkative maypole--the son, a pretty, well It was a saying in the place, that he kept the best bred, agreeable youth, that every body is fond of. horses, dogs, and girls, in the whole country. Mar. Our information differs in this: the
Tony. Ecod, and when I'm of age I'll be no daughter is said to be well-bred and beautiful; the bastard, I promise you. I have been thinking of son, an awkward booby, reared up and spoiled a. Bet Bouncer and the miller's gray mare to begin his mother's apron-string: with. But come, my boys, drink about and be Tony. He-he-hem-Then, gentlernen, all I merry, for you pay no reckoning. Well, Stingo, have to tell you is, that you wont reach Mr. Hard what's the matter?
castle's house this night, I believe.
Tony. It's a damned long, dark, boggy, dirty, Land. There be two gentlemen in a post-chaise dangerous way. Stingo, tel' the gentlemen the at the door. They have lost their way up o' the way to Mr. Hardcastle's ; (Wirking upon the forest, and they are talking something about Mr. LANDLORD.) Mr. Hardcastle's, of QuagmireHardcastle.
marsh, you understand me. Tony. As sure as can be, one of them must Land. Master Hardcastle's! Lack-a-daisy, my be the gentleman that is coming down to court my masters, you're come a deadly deal wrong! When sister. Do they seem to be Londoners ? you came to the bottom of the hill, you should
Land. I believe they may. They look woundily have crossed down Squash-lane. like Frenchmen.
Mar. Cross down Squash-lane. Tony. Then desire them to step this way, and Land. Then you were to keep straight forward I'll set them right in a twinkling. (Erit LAND- till you came to four roads. LORD.) Gentlemen, as they mayn't be good Átar. Come to where four roads meet? enough company for you, step down for a mo Tony: Ay, but you must be sure to take only ment, and I'll be with you in the squeezing of a one of them. lemon. (Exeunt Mob.) Father-in-law has been Mar. Oh, Sir, you're facetious. calling me whelp, and hound, this half year. Now Tony. Then keeping to the right, you are to if I pleased, I could be so revenged upon the old go sideways till you come upon Crack-skull comgrumbletonian. But then I'm afraid -of what? mon: there you must look sharp for the track of
shall soon be worth fifteen hundred a year, and the wheel, and go forward till you come to farmer let him frighten me out of that if he can. Murrain's barn. Coming to the farmer's barn, Enter LANDLORD, conducting MARLOW and you are to turn to the right, and then to the left Hastings.
and then the right about again, till you find out
the old millMar. What a tedious, uncomfortable day have Mar. Zounds, man! we could as soon find out we had of it. We were told it was but forty the longitude ! miles across the country, and we have come above Hast. What's to be done, Marlow? threescore.
Mar. This house promises but a poor recepHast. And all, Marlow, from that unaccounta- tion; though perhaps the landlord can accommoble reserve of yours, that would not let us inquire date us. more frequently on the way.
Land. Alack, master, we have but one spare Mar. I own. Hastings, † am unwilling to lay bed in the whole house. myself under an obligation to every one I meet; Tony. And, to my knowledge, that 's taken up and often stand the chance of an unmannerly an- by three lodgers already. (After a pause, in which
the rest seem disconcerted.) I have hit it; don't Hast. At present, however
, we are not likely you think, Stingo, our landlady could accommodate to receive any answer.
the gentlemen by the fireside, with—three chairs Tony. No offence, gentlemen;, but I'm told and a bolster ? you have been inquiring for one Mr. Hardcastle, Hast. I hate sleeping by the fireside. in these parts. Do you know what part of the Mar. And I detest your three chairs and a country you are in?
bolster. Hast. Not in the least, Sir; but should thank Tony. You do, do you ?-then let me see you for information.
what-if you go on a mile farther, to the Buck's Tony. Nor the way you came ?
Head, the old Buck's Head on the hill, one of the Hust. No, Sir; but if you can inform us- best inns in the whole country ?
Tony. Why, gentlemen, if you know neither Hast. Oho! so we have escaped an adventure the road you are going, nor where you are, nor for this night, however. the road you came, the first thing I have to in- Land. (Apart to Tony.) Sure you ben't sendkurm you is, that—you have lost your way. ing them to your father's as an inn, be you ?
Tony. Mum, you fool you; let them find that Dig. Then ecod your worship must not tell the out. (To them.) You have only to keep on straight story of Ould Grouse in the gun-room: I can't forward till you come to a large house by the road help laughing at that—he, he, he !—for the soul side : you'll see a pair of large horns over the of me. We have laughed at that these twenty door: that's the sign. Drive up the yard, and years—ha, ha, ha! call stoutly about you.
Hard. Ha, ha, ha! The story is a good one. Hast. Sir, we are obliged to you. The servaits Well, honest Diggory, you may laugh at thatcan't miss the way ?
but still remember to be attentive. Suppose one Tony. No, no: but I tell you, though, the land of the company should call for a glass of wine, how lord is rich, and going to leave off business; so he will you behave? A glass of wine, Sir, if you wants to be thought a gentleman, saving your please. [To Diggory.}-Eh, why don't you move? presence, he, he, he! He'll be for giving you his Dig. Ecod, your worship, I never have courage company, and ecod if you mind him, he'll persuade till I see the eatables and drinkables brought upo' you that his mother was an alderman, and his the table, and then I'm as bauld as a lion. aunt a justice of peace.
Hard. What, will nobody move ? Land. A troublesome old blade, to be sure; but 1 Sero. I'm not to leave this place. a keeps as good wines and beds as any in the 2 Sero. I'm sure it's no pleace of mine. whole country,
3 Sero. Nor mine, for sartin. Mar. Well, if he supplies us with these, we Dig. Wauns, and I'm sure it canna be mine. shall want no further connection. We are to turn Hard. You numskulls! and so while, like your to the right, did you say?
betters, you are quarrelling for places, the guests Tony. No, no, straight forward. I'll just step must be starved. Oh, you dunces ! I find i must myself, and show you a piece of the way. (To begin all over again. But don't I hear a coach LAND.) Mum.
drive into the yard ? To your posts, you blockLand. Ah, bless your heart, for a sweet, pleasant heads. I'll go in the mean time and give my old -damned mischievous son of a whore. (Ereunt. friend's son a hearty welcome at the gate. [Erit. ACT II.
Dig. By the elevens, my place is gone quite SCENE 1.-An old-fashioned House.
out of my head.
Roger. I know that my place is to be every where. Enter HARDCASTLE, followed by three or four 1 Serd. Where the devil is mine? arokward SERVANTS.
2. Sero. My place is to be nowhere at all; and Hard. Well, I hope you're perfect in the table so I'ze go
my business. exercise I have been teaching you these three days.
(Ereunt SERVANTS, running. You all know your posts and your places, and can Enter MARLOW and HASTINGS. show that you have been used to good company, without stirring from home.
Hast. After the disappointments of the day, web Omnes. Ay, ay.
come once more, Charles, to the comforts of a clean Hard. When company comes, you are not to room and a good fire. Upon my word, a very pop out and stare, and then run in again, like well-looking house ; antique, but creditable. frighted rabbits in a warren.
Mar. The usual fate of a large mansjon. Har Omnes. No, no.
ing first ruined the master by good house-keeping, Hard. You, Diggory, whom I have taken from it at last comes to levy contributions as an inn. the barn, are to make a show at the side-table; and Hast. As you say, we passengers are to be you, Roger, whom I have advanced from the plough, taxed to pay all these fineries. I have often seen are to place yourself behind my chair. But you're a good sideboard, or a marble chimney-piece, not to stand so, with your hands in your pockets. though not actually put in the bill, inflame the Take your hands from your pockets, Roger, and bill confoundedly. from your head, you blockhead you. See how Mar. Travellers, George, must pay in all places, Diggory carries his hands. They're a little too the only difference is, that in good inns you pay stiff, indeed, but that 's no great matter.
dearly for luxuries; in bad inns you are fleeced Dig. Ay, mind how I hold them: I learned to and starved. hold my hands this way when I was upon drill Hast. You have lived pretty much among them. for the militia. And so being upon drill- In truth, I have been often surprised, that you,
Hard. You must not be too talkative, Diggory; who have seen so much of the world, with your you must be all attention to the guests. You must natural good sense, and your many opportunities, hear us talk, and not think of talking ; you must could never yet acquire a requisite share of assur ve us drink, and not think of drinking; you must ance. see us eat, and not think of eating.
Mar. The Englishman's malady; but tell me, Dig. By the laws, your worship, that's perfectly George, where could I have learned that assurance un possible. Whenever Diggory sees yeating going you talk of?. My life has been chiefly spent in a forwards, ecod he's always wishing for a mouthful college or an inn, in seclusion from that lovely part himself.
of the creation, that chiefly teach men confidence. Hard. Blockhead! is not a bellyful in the I don't know that I was ever familiarly acquainted kitchen as good as a bellyful in the parlour? Stay with a single woman except my mother. But your stomach with that reflection.
ainong females of another class, you know Dig. Ecod I thank your worship; I'll make a Hast. Ay, among them you are impudent shift to stay my stomach with a slice of cold beef enough of all conscience. in the pantry.
Mar. They are of us, you know. Hard. Díggory you are too talkative. Then if Hast. But in the company of women of reputa I happen to say a good thing, or tell a good story tion I never saw such an idiot, such a trembler at table, you must not all burst out a laughing, as you look for all the world as if you wanted an oja If you trade part of the company.
portunity of stealing out of the room,