The late Sir Watkins William Wynne, talking to a friend about the antiquity of his family, which he carried up to Noah, was told that he was a mere mushroom, Ay," said he, "how so, pray?" "Why," replied the other, "when I was in Wales, a pedigree of a particular family was thewo to me; it filled up about five large skins of parchment, and about the middle of it was a note a the margin; about this time the world was created." STANZAS DROPPED FROM AN ALDERMAN'S Oh! thon whose power directs the feast, Place me in that delightfu, seat, Enlarge my mouth !-extend my jaws ! Oh! let my swallow be so wide, Oh! let this bloated paunch obtain SOLILOQUY. A person in company said in a violent passion to another, "You are a liar! a scoundrel!" The other with great composure turned round to t. the company, and said to them, "You must not mind what this poor fellow says; it is a way he has; he was only talking to himself." PYE, THE POET LAUREAT. When Mr. Pye was made Poet-Laureat, his first ode was on George the Third's birth, and it was full of allusions to the vocal groves and feathered. choir. George Stevens, the commentator, read it, and immediately exclaimed, And when the Pye was opened, The birds began to sing; MARQUIS TOWNSHEND. PREPARATION FOR DEATH. This nobleman being designed for the army, began his campaign early in life at the battle of not help jesting at the very last moment; for When Rabelais lay on his death-bed, he could Dettingen. The regiment he belonged to began having received the extreme unction, a friend the attack; and, as he was marching down towards coming to see him, said, he hoped he was prepar the enemy, rather thoughtful, a drummer's head for the next world; "Yes, yes," replied Rabe was shot off so close to him, that his brains be-lais," I am ready for my journey now, they have spattered, Lord Townshend's regimentals. A ve THE DIFFICULT TASK. He who would general favour win, teran officer, apprehensive that this accident Just greased my boots." WINE AND WALNUTS. Wine and walnuts, I own, are a feast quite divine, But the trash which you give us is truly infernal; To day the task he may begin, But Heav'n knows when he'll end. LOSS OF MEMORY. A country clergyman meeting a neighbour who never came to church, although an old fel low of above sixty, reproved him on that ac count, and asked, if he never read at home? "No," replied the clown," I can't read."—" dare say, "said the parson, "you don't know who made you?"-"Not I, in troth," cried the countryman. A little boy coming by at the sam time, "Who made you, child?" said the parson A gentleman, who was not remarkable for being over fond of his wife, hearing her cough a good you there," quoth the honest clergyman, -" God, sir," answered the boy." Why, look deal one day, said to a friend, who let drop some not ashamed to hear a child of five or six year pitying expressions, “Prithee Tom, never mind old tell me who made him, when you, that are her, let her be d—with her cough, I hope it will old a man, cannot ?"-"Ah!" said the country carry her to hell in a fortnight." The lady, who man, it is no wonder that he should remember was in another room, overhearing this speech, he was made but t'other day, it is a great while immediately rushed into the parlour, and advanc-measter, since I war made." ng to her husband, told him she had too much of his company in this world, to wish to have it in the next. NAUTICAL EQUIVOQUE. A sailor, while preparing potatoes for the cook's use, was asked by a gentleman on board, what he called those things in his country: "Call them! your honour," replied Jack, "why, in my country, when we want these things, we fetch them, we don't call them !"" "are yo HOW TO BECOME CONSEQUENTIAL. THE LAST WORD. THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER. A poor man, who had a termagant wife, after along dispute, in which she was resolved to have the last word, told her, if she spoke one crooked word more, he would beat her brains out. Why, then, ram's horns, you rogae," said she, for it." LEE, THE POET. "" if I die A conceited fellow, who fancied himself a poel, asked the eccentric poet, Nat Lee, if it was not "No," easy to write like a madman, as he did? answered Nat," but it is easy to write like a fool, as you do." EYES AND NOSE. Sir William Davenant, the poet, who had no mose, going along the Mews one day, a beggarwoman followed him, crying," Ah! God preserve your eye-sight, sir; the Lord preserve your eyesaid he, dost sight." Why, good woman," thou pray so much for my eye-sight ?"—" Ah! "if it should drar sir," answered the woman, please God that you grow dim-sighted, you have no place to hang your spectacles on." CRITICS. In critics this country is rich In friendship and love who can match 'em, When writers are plagued with the itch, They hasten most kindly to scratch 'em. EPITAPH ON A GALLANT HIGHWAYMAN. After his Du Val, a noted highwayman, was famous Here lies Du Val-Reader, if male thou art, PARSON OUTWITTED. "Where thine was," said the quaker, before THE WORLD A PRINTING-HOUSE. The world's a printing-house; our words are Our deeds are characters of several sizes; The parsons are correctors-Heav'n revises: Death is the common press, from whence being driven, We're gather'd and bound for either hell or heav'n. CRANIOLOGY. After the death of Porson, his head was dissect ed, and, to the confusion of all craniologists, it was discovered, that he had the thickest skull of any Professor in Europe. Professor Gall being called cile so tenacious a memory with so thick a recep"pon to explain this phenomenon, and to recontacle for it, replied;-"How the ideas got into such a skull, is their business not mine; I have nothing to do with that; but let them once get in→→→ that is all I want; once in, I will defy them ever to get out again." A LEFT-HANDED EXCUSE. A servant girl, who could not read, had, from A parson once asked an honest quaker, where constant attendance, got the church-service by be religion was before George Fox's time?rote. But a few Sundays previous to her mar A SUFFICIENT REASON. riage, she was accompanied by her sweetheart, to whom she did not like it to be known that she could not read; she therefore took up the prayerA drunken fellow, having sold all his goods book, and held it before her. Her lover wished except his feather-bed, at last made away with to have a sight of it also, but, unfortunately for that too; and his conduct being reproved by some her, she held it upside down. The man, astonish- of his friends, "Why," said he, "I am very ed, says, “Good heaven! why you have the book well, thank God, and why should I keep my bed." wrong side upwards."-" I know it, sir," said she, confusedly, I always read so, for I am lefthanded." 66 THE WORLD A BOOK. The world's a book, writ by th' eternal art JUNIUS'S LETTERS. BEAUTIFUL COLOURS. "Your colours are beautiful," said a deeply rouged lady to a portrait-painter.-"Yes," answered he, " your ladyship and I deal at the same shop." THE DECISION. A dispute having long subsisted ir a gentleman's family, between the maid and the coachman, about fetching the cream for breakfast, the gentleman When the late Sir Philip Francis was one day might hear what they had to say, and decide ac one morning called them both before him, that he at Holland-house, the lady of the mansion induced Mr. Rogers, the poet, to ask the knight if he cordingly. The maid pleaded, that the coachman was really the author of Junius's Letters." The the morning, and yet was so ill-natured, that he was lounging about the kitchen the greater part of bard, knowing the knight's austere character, would not fetch the cream for her; notwithstand addressed him with modest hesitation, asking if ing he saw she had so much to do, as not to have a he might be permitted to propose a question. Sir Philip anticipating what was to come, exclaimed in a severe tone," At your peril, Sir;" upon which Mr. Rogers observed, that "if Sir Philip was really Junius, he was certainly Junius Brutus.' PLAIN TRUTH. A town beggar was very importanate with a rich miser, whom he accosted in the following phrase: "Pray, Sir, bestow your charity; good, dear Sir, bestow your charity."-"Prithee, friend, be quiet," replied the miser," I have it not." STRANGE, MORE, AND WRight. moment to spare. The coachman alleged, that i was not his business. "Very well," said the master, "but pray what do you call your busi ness?"-" To take care of the horses, and clea and drive the coach," replied he.-" You say right," answered the master," and I do not ex this I insist on, that every morning, before break pect you to do more than I hired you for bu fast, you get the coach ready, and drive the mai to the farmer's for milk; and I hope you wi allow that to be part of your business." IRISH HONOUrs. An Irishman boasting of his birth and family Three gentlemen being at a tavern, whose names said, that when he first came to England, he mad were Strange, More, and Wright; said the last, such a figure that the bells rang through all th "There is but one rogue in company, and that is towns he passed to London. "Aye," said a ger Strange."-"Yes," answered Strange," there is tleman in company, "I suppose that was becaus one More."-"Aye," said More, "that is Wright."you came up in a waggon with a beli team.” SECURING A PLACE. saying, a shilling for master, a shilling for myself; A gentleman possessed of a small estate in which he continued till he came to an odd sixGloucestershire, was allured to town by the pro- pence, which puzzled him a good deal, as he was mises of a courtier, who kept him in constant at-willing to make a fair division. The master overtendance for a long while to no purpose; at last bearing his perplexity, said to him," You may as the gentleman, quite tired out, called upon his well let me have that sixpence, John, because 1 pretended friend, and told him, that he had at last keep the horses, you know.” got a place. The courtier shook him very heartily by the hand, and said he was very much rejoiced at the event." But pray, Sir," said he, "where Is your place ?"-" In the Gloucester coach," replied the other, "I secured it last night, and so good-by to you." CANDLE-LIGHT WARS. THE HIGHWAYMAN OFF HIS GUARD. was attacked a few miles beyond Winchester by A rider to a commercial house in London, a single highwayman, who robbed him of his purse and pocket-book, containing cash and notes to a considerable amount. "Sir," said the rider, "I have suffered you to take my property, and A woman in the country went for a pound of you are welcome to it. It is my master's, and the candles, when, to her great astonishment and morloss cannot do him much harm; but as it will look tification, she was informed they had risen a making any defence, I should wish you just to very cowardly in me, to have been robbed without penny in the pound since her last purchase of them. fire a pistol through my coat."-" With all my -"Why," says she, "what can be the cause of me an exorbitant rise as a peuny?"-"I can't have the ball?" Here,” said the rider, “just heart," said the highwayman, "where will you tell," says the man," but I believe it is principally by the side of the button." ewing to the war."-"Why," cried she, " do they highwayman was as good as his word; but as The unthinking fight by candle-light.” MUTUAL ACCOMMODATION. A student in one of the universities, sent to another to borrow a certain book. 1 never lend books out," said he, "but if the gentleman Gooses to come to my chambers, he may make use Wit as long as he pleases." A few days after, Ar that had refused the book, sent to the other to wow a pair of bellows. "I never lend my Mellows out," says the other, “but if the gentleman to come to my chambers, he may make use of as long as he pleases." EQUITABLE ADJUSTMENT. A backney-coachman, having had a busy day, went into an ale-house to regale himself, and in a box adjoining to one in which his master reated, John, not suspecting who was his wighbour, began to divide his earnings in a mansol sacommon among the brothers of the whip, soon as he had fired, the rider knocked him off his horse, and, with the assistance of a traveller, who came up at the time, lodged the highwayman in gaol. THE LAWYER AND THE JEW. Lincoln's-inn, with his professional bag under One day, as a solicitor was passing through his arm, he was accosted by a Jew, with, Cloash to shell, old cloash!" The lawyer somewhat nettled at this address, from a supposition that Moses mistook him for an inhabitant of Duke's Place, snatched a bundle of papers from their damask repository, and replied, 66 No, Sir, they are all new suits,' YORKSHIRE. A Yorkshire boy went into a public-house, where a gentleman was eating eggs. looked at him for some time, and then said, "Will The boy you be good enough to give me a little salt, Sir?" |