GRORGE II.

At the first masquerade which George the Second honoured with his presence in England, a lady in vited him to drink a glass of wine. With this he readily complied: and the lady, filling a bumper, said, "Here, mask, the Pretender's health;" then filling another glass, she presented it to the king, who, receiving it with a smile, replied, "I drink with all my heart to the health of unfortunate princes." FOX'S PAY-DAY.

Mr. Fox, on one of his occasions for borrowing money, met with a good-natured Jew, who told him that he might take his own time for payment. "Then,” said Charles," we'll make it the day of judgment; or, as that will be rather a busy day, suppose we say the day after."

AN ERROR IN GRAIN

A woman having fallen into a river, her husband went to look for her, proceeding up the stream from the place where she fell in. The bye-standers said she could not have gone against the stream. The man answered, she was obstinate and contrary in her life, and he therefore supposed for certain, that she was the same at her death.

LOUIS XIV.

Killigrew, jester at the court of Charles II. being taken to see the Gallery at Versailles, was desired to observe particularly a picture of the crucifixion. He was then asked if he knew whom it represented. He said "No."-" Why," said Louis XIV., who was present, "it is our Saviour on the cross, and the picture on the right side is the pope's, and that on the left my own.' Upon which Killigrew replied

"I thank your majesty for your information; I have heard our Saviour was crucified between two thieves, but I did not know before who they were."

CURE FOR DISSIPATION.

A dissipated nobleman was one day reproved by his mother, who advised him to take example by a particular gentleman, whose constant food was vege

tables, and his drink pure water. "Good heaven, madam," said his lordship, "do you wish me to imitate a man who eats like a beast and drinks like a fish."

CHURCH-YARD ACCOUNT.

the operation of having his leg cut off, was charged A poor labourer having been obliged to undergo sixteen pence by the sexton for burying it. The poor fellow applied to the rector for redress, who told him, he could not relieve him at that time; but

that he should certainly consider it in his fees, when the rest of his body came to be buried."

NAUTICAL LEARNING.

sailors happening to join a crowd gathered da preacher, just in time to hear him say, e he had exclaimed against the sins of his dence, .. And I your pastor and teacher shall be d to bear witness against you at the day dgment." "Hollo! Jack," crics one of them, it is not just as it is at the Old Bailey: the rogue always turns king's evidence."

VOLTAIRE AND CHESTERFIELD.

altaire, when in London, being at a rout with Lord erfield, a lady in company, very much painted, sed his conversation, Chesterfield tapped him te shoulder, saying, "Take care you are not ated." My Lord," replied Voltaire, "I be taken by an Engish bottom under ch colours."

done brought up for his dinner, sent for the cook, and told her to take the mutton down and do it less. "Please your honour, I cannot do it less." "But," said the Dean, "if it had not been done enough you could have done it more, could you not?" Dean, for the future, when you commit a fault, let Oh, yes! very easily." "Why, then," said the

it be such a one as can be amended."

CHANGING THE SUBJECT

When Mrs. Macauley published her Loose Thoughts, Garrick, who was in company with Foote, said it was a very improper title for a lady to adopt: to which Foote replied, he was quite of a different opinion, for the sooner a woman got rid of her loose thoughts the better.

THE PERMANENT MASK.

At Ranelagh, when Lady Grace
Unmask'd to put my poor heart in a pother,
So very hideous was her face.

I was deceiv'd, and begg'd she'd pull off t'other.
A WOMAN'S SECRET.

A married couple, coming over in the packet from Dublin to England, a storm arose, when every one expected the vessel would be lost. The gentle

10824

Maay Too qureing your honors Ors till dide Vifteen Zillings.'

THE BRAINLESS TOPER.

"Brother bucks your glasses drain."-
'Tom, 'tis strong and sparkling red.'-
"Never fear-'twont reach my brain:"
"No-that's true-but 'twill your head."

PREACHING AND BREWING.

A country vicar, giving his text out of Hebrew pronounced it, He brews, 10 and 12, (meaning ↑ An old toper, who sat h chapter and verse.) asleep under the pulpit, thinking he talked brewing so many bushels to the hogshead, sa By the Lord, and no such bad liquor neither."

AVDICE TO AN AUTHOR.

A learned doctor having printed two heavy voJames of Natural History, a friend remarked to him, that his publication was, in several particulars, extremely erroneous; and when the other defended his olumes, replied, "Pray, Dr. are you not a justice of the peace ?" "I am, Sir," was the reply. 66 Why, , Sir," added his critic, "I advise you to send your work to the same place you send your vagrants , that is, to the house of correction."

AN IMPROMPTU.

A manager having played several nights to an almost empty barn, in a country town, neglected to perfect himself in the part of Lorenzo, in the Merchant of Venice. He however bustled through it lerably well, till he got to the part where he should address Jessica on the subject of Leander's being owned in crossing the Hellespont; where he made monstrous boggle, which was so intolerable to the asdie nce, that a general hiss from all parts expressed Seir disapprobation, and he retired, as he called it, a a blaze. As soon as silence was obtained by his it, he returned on the stage, leading Jessica rward, with whom he addressed the audience

TO A GENTLEMAN ABOUT TO MARRY.

Bob says, his spouse that is to be
Has all the requisites to bless.
Has wit, I know, in repartee,

A taste for letters, play, and dress.
Yet were I, Bobby, (entre nous)

Bound to three such in marriage bands, I'd bribe the Devil with thanks and two, To take the other off my hands.

TWO DIFFERENT CASES.

WIT AND HONESTY.

The late King of Prussia used to say, that he preferred the company of a man who could amuse him, though ever so great a rascal, to that of a stupid honest fellow, who would sufler him to fali asleep

For a watchmaker-" Wound to the highest pitch;" or, "Take note of Time."

"

For a carpenter--“ Plain dealings, or, Augur well."

For a resurrection man-" Mors janua vitæ ;" or, "Death is life to me."

For an auctioneer-" Repeated knockings down set me on my legs."

"For a tailor-"Suit your measures to all men;" or, "My goose laid golden eggs."

Officers of Excise, &c.-" Collections and selfrecollections."

For a distiller-"My spirits rise!" or, "Spirits at full proof."

For a cider merchant" How sweet is expression."

For a navy agent" Commissions, but no selfomissions."

For a lawyer-The suit that fits me best is a Chancery suit."

For a manufacturer of looking-glasses" The true mirror of fashion."

For a distributor of handbills- “Ą literary character."

For a banker-" Count Discount."

For the Master of the Hummums-" Knight of the Bath."

For the keeper of Bedlam-"Knight of the Crescent."

For a merchant" No change like exchange."
For a coachmaker- The Wheel of Fortune."
For a butcher-" Killing brings me to life."

For a paper manufacturer-" I've turned over a new leaf."

For a curate" A good living is a cure for all souls.'

PRESENTS.

A Hamper I receiv'd of wine,

As good, Dick says, as e'er was tasted-
And Dick may be suppos'd to know,
For he contriv'd his matters so,

As every day with me to dine
Much longer than the liquor lasted:

If such are presents- while I live
Oh! let me not receive, but gire.

THE COMBAT.

A Chimney-sweep and baker went to fight;
The baker beat the chimney-sweeper white:
The chimney-sweep, tho' laid upon his back.
Took wind, and quickly beat the baker black.
In came a brickdust-man, with porter fed
And beat both chimney sweep and baker red.
Thus red, black, white, in clouds together lay,
And none could tell which party had the day.

TWO STRINGS TO YOUR BOW,

As fiddlers and archers who cunningly know
The way to procure themselves merit
Will always provide them two strings to their bow
And manage their bus'ness with spirit.

So likewise the provident maiden should do,
Who would make the best use of her beauty;
If her mark she would hit, or her lesson play through
Two lovers must still be on duty.

Thus arm'd against Chance, and secure of supply,
Thus far our revenge we may carry
One spark for our sport, we may jilt and set by
And t'other, poor soul, we may marry.

THE SECOND BRUTUS.

Brutus unmov'd heard how his Portia fell, Should Jack's wife die, he would behave as well.