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We shall next present to the reader so much of the earliest extant English comedy (Ralph Roister Doister) as will enable him to form a notion of its merits as a drama.

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1 But-without, unless.

3 wood-mad.

• able-fit, proper.

2 note-(?) head or nose. She evidently makes him feel the weight of her fist.

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For truly of all men he is my chief banker, Both for meat and money, and my chief sheetanchor.

For sooth Roister Doister in that he doth say,
And require what ye will, ye shall have no nay.
But now of Roister Doister somewhat to express,
That ye may esteem him after his worthiness,
In these twenty towns, and seek them through-
out,

Is not the like stock whereon to graft a lout.
All the day long is he facing and craking'
Of his great acts in fighting and fraymaking;
But when Roister Doister is put to his proof,
To keep the queen's peace is more for his
behoof.

If any woman smile or cast on him an eye,
Up is he to the hard ears in love by and by,
And in all the hot haste must she be his wife,
Else farewell his good days, and farewell his
life:

Master Ralph Roister Doister is but dead and gone,

Except she on him take some compassion.

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R. Roister. Come, death, when thou wilt: I am weary of my life.

M. Merry. What is it then?

Are ye in danger of debt to any man?

If ye be, take no thought, nor be not afraid: Let them hardly take thought how they shall be paid.

R. Roister. Tut, I owe nought.

M. Merry. What then? fear ye imprisonment? R. Roister. No.

M. Merry. No, I wist, ye offend not so to be shent.2

But if he had, the Tower could not you so hold, But to break out at all times ye would be bold. What is it? hath any man threatened you to beat?

R. Roister. What is he that durst have put me in that heat?

He that beateth me, by his arms, shall well find,
That I will not be far from him, nor run behind.
M. Merry. That thing know all men, ever
since ye overthrew

The fellow of the lion which Hercules slew.
But what is it then?

R. Roister. Of love I make my moan.

M. Merry. Ah, this foolish love! wil't ne'er let us alone?

But because ye were refused the last day,

Ye said ye would ne'er more be entangled that

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R. Roister. Yea, but I cannot so put love out of my mind.

M. Merry. What is her name?
R. Roister. Her yonder.
M. Merry. Who?

R. Roister. Mistress ah

M. Merry. Fie, fie for shame!

Love ye and know not whom? but her yonder, a woman?

We shall then get you a wife, I cannot tell when.

R. Roister. The fair woman, that supped with us yesternight;

And I heard her name twice or thrice, and had it right.

M. Merry. Yea, ye may see ye ne'er take me to good cheer with you;

If ye had, I could have told you her name now. R. Roister. I was to blame indeed, but the next time perchance.

And she dwelleth in this house.

M. Merry. What, Christian Custance?

R. Roister. Except I have her to my wife, I shall run mad.

M. Merry. Nay, unwise, perhaps, but I warrant you for mad.

R. Roister. I am utterly dead unless I have my desire.

M. Merry. Where be the bellows that blew this sudden fire?

R. Roister. I hear she is worth a thousand pound and more.

M. Merry. Yea, but learn this one lesson of me afore:

An hundred pound of marriage money doubtless,
Is ever thirty pound sterling, or somewhat less;
So that her thousand pound, if she be thrifty,
Is much near about two hundred and fifty.
Howbeit, wooers and widows are never poor.
R. Roister. Is she a widow? I love her better
therefore.

M. Merry. But I hear she hath made promise to another.

R. Roister. He shall go without her, and he were my brother.

M. Merry. I have heard say, I am right well advised,

That she hath to Gavin Goodlucke promised. R. Roister. What is that Gavin Goodlucke? M. Merry. A merchant man.

Yet a fitter wife for your ma'ship might be found.

R. Roister. I am sorry God made me so comely, doubtless,

For that maketh me each where so highly favoured,

And all women on me so enamoured.

M. Merry. Enamoured, quoth you? have ye spied out that?

Ah, sir, marry now I see you know what is what. Enamoured, ka? 2 Marry, sir, say that again; But I thought not ye had marked it so plain.

R. Roister. Yes, each where they gaze all upon me and stare.

M. Merry. Yea, Malkyn, I warrant you as much as they dare.

And ye will not believe what they say in the

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Matthew then tells Ralph what great heroes the women mistake him for, and proceeds thus:

O Lord! (say some) that the sight of his face we lack.

It is enough for you (say I) to see his back.
His face is for ladies of high and noble parages,
With whom he hardly 'scapeth great marriages.
With much more than this, and much otherwise.
R. Roister. I can thee thank that thou canst
such answers devise:

But I perceive thou dost me throughly know. M. Merry. I mark your manners for mine own learning, I trow;

But such is your beauty, and such are your acts, Such is your personage, and such are your facts, That all women, fair and foul, more and less, They eye you, they love you, they talk of you doubtless.

Your pleasant look maketh them all merry, Ye pass not by, but they laugh till they be weary;

Yea and money could I have, the truth to tell, Of many to bring you that way where they dwell.

R. Roister. Merrygreeke, for this thy reporting well of me

M. Merry. What should I else, sir? it is my duty, pardee.

R. Roister. I promise thou shalt not lack, while I have a groat.

M. Merry. Faith, sir, and I ne'er had more need of a new coat.

R. Roister. Thou shalt have one to-morrow, and gold for to spend.

M. Merry. Then I trust to bring the day to a good end.

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MADGE MUMBLECRUST spinning on the distaff; TIBET TALKAPACE sewing; ANNOT ALYFACE knitting; R. ROISTER.

[After some sharp practice between Madge, Tibet, and Ralph, the latter and Madge are left alone.]

R. Roister. Ah, good sweet nurse.
M. Mumbl. Ah, good sweet gentleman.
R. Roister. What?

M. Mumbl. Nay, I cannot tell, sir; but what
thing would you?

R. Roister. How doth sweet Custance, my heart of gold, tell me how?

M. Mumbl. She doth very well, sir, and command me to you.

R. Roister. To me?

M. Mumbl. Yea, to you, sir.

R. Roister. To me? Nurse, tell me plain, To me?

M. Mumbl. Yea.

R. Roister. That word maketh me alive again.

I promise thee, nurse, I favour her.
M. Mumbl. E'en so, sir.

R. Roister. Bid her sue to me for marriage.
M. Mumbl. E'en so, sir.

R. Roister. And surely for thy sake she shall speed.

M. Mumbl. E'en 80, sir.

R. Roister. I shall be contented to take her. M. Mumbl. E'en so, sir.

R. Roister. But at thy request, and for thy sake.

M. Mumbl. E'en so, sir.

R. Roister. And come, hark in thine ear what to say.

M. Mumbl. E'en so, sir.

[Here let him tell her a great long tale in her ear.

ACT I-SCENE IV.

MATTHEW MERRYGREEKE; DOBINET DOUGHTIE; RALPH ROISTER; MADGE MUMBLECRUST; HARPAX.

M. Merry. Come on, sirs, apace, and quit yourYour pains shall be rewarded. selves like men.

But with whom is he now so sadly rounding yond?

1

D. Dough. With Nobs Nicebecetur Miserere fond.

M. Merry. God be at your wedding: be ye sped already?

I did not suppose that your love was so greedy.
I perceive now ye have choice of devotion,
And joy have ye, lady, of your promotion.

R. Roister. Tush, fool, thou art deceived: this is not she.

M. Merry. Well, make much of her, and keep her well, I advise ye.

I will take no charge of such a fair piece keeping.

M. Mumbl. What aileth this fellow? he driveth me to weeping.

M. Merry. What, weep on the wedding day? be merry, woman:

Though I say it, ye have chosen a good gentle

man.

R. Roister. What meanest thou man? tut, a whistle.

M. Merry. Ah sir, be good to her, she is but a gristle.

Ah, sweet lamb and coney.

R. Roister. Tut, thou art deceived.

M. Merry. Weep no more, lady, ye shall be well received.

Up with some merry noise, sirs, to bring home the bride.

R. Roister. Gogs arms! knave, art thou mad? I tell thee, thou art wide.

R. Roister. This same is the fair widow's nurse, of whom ye wot.

M. Merry. Is she but a nurse of a house?

1 Now so seriously whispering yonder.

R. Roister. This is our best friend, man.
M. Merry. Then teach her what to say.
M. Mumbl. I am taught already.

M. Mumbl. And what shall I show your mastership's name is?

R. Roister. Nay, she shall make suit, ere she shall know that, ywis.

M. Mumbl. Yet, let me somewhat know.
M. Merry. This is he, understand,

That killed the blue spider in Blanchepouder land.

M. Mumbl. Yea, Jesus, William, zee law! did he zo law?

M. Merry. Yea, and the last elephant that ever he saw,

As the beast passed by, he start out of a buske,' And e'en with pure strength of arms pluck'd out

his great tusk.

M. Mumbl. Jesus, Nomine Patris, what a thing was that!

R. Roister. Yea, but Merrygreeke, one thing thou hast forgot.

M. Merry. What?

R. Roister. Of the other elephant.

M. Merry. Oh, him that fled away?

R. Roister. Yea.

M. Merry. Yea, he knew that his match was in place that day.

M. Mumbl. Oh Lord! my heart quaketh for fear, he is so sore.

R. Roister. Thou makest her too much afraid, Merrygreeke; no more.

This tale would fear my sweetheart Custance right evil.

R. Roister. Now, nurse, take this same letter here to thy mistress;

And as my trust is in thee, ply my business.
M. Mumbl. It shall be done.

M. Merry. Who made it?

R. Roister. I wrote it each whit.

M. Merry. Then needs it no mending.
R. Roister. No, no.

M. Merry. No, I know your wit.
R. Roister. I warrant it well.
M. Mumbl. It shall be delivered;
But, if ye speed, shall I be considered?
M. Merry. Whough! dost thou doubt of that?
M. Mumbl. What shall I have?

M. Merry. An hundred times more than thou canst devise to crave.

M. Mumbl. Shall I have some new gear? for my dole is all spent.

M. Merry. The worst kitchen wench shall go in ladies' raiment. M. Mumbl. Yea?

M. Merry. And the worst drudge in the house shall go better

Than your mistress doth now.

M. Mumbl. Then I trudge with your letter. R. Roister. Now may I repose me: Custance is mine own.

Let us sing and play homeward, that it may be known.

M. Merry. But, are you sure that your letter is well enough?

R. Roister. I wrote it myself.

M. Merry. Then sing we to dinner.

[IIere they sing, and go out singing.

The letter is delivered to Christian Custance, who refuses to open it.

ACT II.-SCENE I.

DOBINET DOughtie.

D. Dough. Where is the house I go to, before or behind?

I know not where, nor when, nor how I shall it find.

If I had ten men's bodies, and legs, and strength, This trotting that I have must needs lame me at length.

And now that my master is new set on wooing,

I trust there shall none of us find lack of doing:

Two pair of shoes a day will now be too little To serve me, I must trot to and fro so mickle. 'Go, bear me this token; carry me this letter;'

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'Up before day, sirs, I charge you, an hour or twain ;

Trudge, do me this message, and bring word quick again.'

And now am I sent to Dame Christian Custance;

But I fear it will end with a mock for pastance."
I bring her a ring, with a token in a clout;
And, by all guess, this same is her house out of
doubt.

I know it now perfect, I am in my right way; And lo! yonder the old nurse, that was with us last day.

Dobinet then meets with Truepenny, Tibet, and Annot, and persuades them to convey Ralph's token to their mistress, who rewards them with a sound scolding.

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But, otherwise, with messages to come in post, From henceforth, I promise you, shall be to your cost.

Get you in to your work.

Tib. and Annot. Yes, forsooth.

C. Custance. Now will I in too, for I think, so God me mend,

This will prove some foolish matter in the end. [Exeunt.

ACT III-SCENE II.

TIBET; M. MERRYGREEKE; CHRISTIAN
CUSTANCE.

Tib. Talk. Ah! that I might but once in my life have a sight

Of him who made us all so ill shent; by this light,

He should never escape, if I had him by the ear,

But, even from his head, I would it bite or tear.
Yea, and if one of them were not enough,
I would bite them both off, I make God a vow.

C. Custance. In at doors!
Tib. Talk. I am gone.

[Exit.

M. Merry. Dame Custance, God ye save. C. Custance. Welcome, friend Merrygreeke: and, what thing would ye have?

M. Merry. I am come to you, a little matter to break.

C. Custance. No creature hath my faith and troth but one,

That is Gavin Goodlucke: and if it be not he,
He hath no title this way, whatever he be,
For I know none to whom I have such word
spoken.

M. Merry. Ye know him not you, by his letter and token?

C. Custance. Indeed true it is, that a letter I have,

But I never read it yet, as God me save.

M. Merry. Ye a woman, and your letter so long unread!

C. Custance. Ye may thereby know what haste I have to wed.

But now, who is it for my hand, I know by guess.

M. Merry. Ah! well, I say.

C. Custance. It is Roister Doister, doubtless. M. Merry. Will ye never leave this dissimulation?

Ye know him not?

C. Custance. But by imagination; For, no man there is, but a very dolt and lout, That to woo a widow would so go about. He shall never have me his wife while he do live.

M. Merry. Then will he have you if he may, so might I thrive;

And he biddeth you send him word by me, That ye humbly beseech him ye may his wife be,

And that there shall be no let in you, nor mistrust,

But to be wedded on Sunday next if he list;
And biddeth you to look for him.

C. Custance. Doth he bid so?

M. Merry. When he cometh, ask him whether he did or no.

C. Custance. Go say, that I bid him keep him warm at home,

For, if he come abroad, he shall cough me a

mome.1

My mind was vexed, I 'shrew his head, sottish dolt.

M. Merry. He hath in his head

C. Custance. As much brain as a burbolt. M. Merry. Well, Dame Custance, if he hear you thus play choplogic.

C. Custance. What will he?

M. Merry. Play the devil in the horologe.3
C. Custance. I defy him, lout.

M. Merry. Shall I tell him what ye say?
C. Custance. Yea, and add whatsoever thou
canst, 1 thee pray,

And I will avouch it whatsoever it be.

M. Merry. Then let me alone; we will laugh well, ye shall see:

It will not be long ere he will hither resort. C. Custance. Let him come when him list, I wish no better sport.

Fare ye well, I will in, and read my great letter:

I shall to my wooer make answer the better. [Exeunt.

Matthew goes and gives Ralph an exaggerated version of Custance's answer, taking the opportunity of letting his silly friend know his own real opinion of his character. Under cover of Christian's answer, Ralph is called

The veriest dolt that ever was born;
And veriest lubber, sloven, and beast,
Living in this world, from the west to the east;
Yet, of himself hath he such opinion,
That in all the world is not the like minion.
He thinketh each woman to be brought in
dotage,

With the only sight of his goodly personage: Yet, none that will have him: we do him lout and flock,

And make him among us, our common sportingstock;

And so would I now (quo' she), save only be

cause,

'Better nay,' (quo' I)—'I list not meddle with daws.'

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1 A mome is another word for a fool, and the phrase 'cough me a fool' is common in old plays.

2 A burbolt is a bird-bolt, or arrow with which boys knocked down birds; it had a nob at the end. To play the devil in the horologue, or in the clock, is an expression to indicate the making of confusion. The divell is in th' orloge, the houres to trye:

Searche houres by the sun, the devyll's dyal will lie.'

J. Heywood's Proverbs, 1562.

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