Wel. This is perfectly rare, Brainworm [takes him aside]; but how got'st thou this apparel of the justice's man? Brai. Marry, sir, my proper fine penman would needs bestow the grist on me, at the Windmill, to hear some martial discourse; where I so marshall'd him, that I made him drunk with admiration: and, because too much heat was the cause of his distemper, I stript him stark naked as he lay long asleep, and borrowed his suit to deliver this counterfeit message in, leaving a rusty armour, and an old brown bill to watch him till my return; which shall be, when I have pawn'd his apparel, and spent the better part o' the money, perhaps. Wel. Well, thou art a successful, merry knave, Brainworm: his absence will be a good subject for more mirth. I pray thee return to thy young master, and will him to meet me and my sister Bridget at the Tower instantly; for, here, tell him, the house is so stored with jealousy, there is no room for love to stand upright in. We must get our fortunes committed to some larger prison, say; and than the Tower I know no better air, nor where the liberty of the house may do us more present service. Away. [Exit BRAI. Re-enter KITELY, talking aside to CASH. Kit. Come hither, Thomas. Now my secret's ripe, And thou shalt have it: lay to both mine ears. Be careful of thy promise, keep good watch, Wilt thou be true, my Thomas? Cash. As truth's self, sir. Kit. Why, I believe thee. Where is Cob, now? Cob! Dame K. He's ever calling for Cob. I wonder how he employs Cob so. Brid. That touches not me, brother. Wel. That's true; that's even the fault of it; for, indeed, beauty stands a woman in no stead, unless it procure her touching. But, sister, whether it touch you or no, it touches your beauties; and I am sure they will abide the touch; an they do not, a plague of all ceruse,1 says I! and it touches me too in part, though not in the Well, there's a dear and respected friend of mine, sister, stands very strongly and worthily affected toward you, and hath vowed to inflame whole bonfires of zeal at his heart, in honour of your perfections. I have already engaged my promise to bring you where you shall hear him confirm much more. Ned Knowell is the man, sister: there's no exception against the party. You are ripe for a husband; and a minute's loss to such an occasion is a great trespass in a wise beauty. What say you, sister? On my soul he loves you; will you give him the meeting? Brid. Faith I had very little confidence in mine own constancy, brother, if I durst not meet a man: but this motion of yours savours of an old knight adventurer's servant a little too much, methinks. Wel. What's that, sister? Wel. No matter if it did, I would be such an one for my friend. But see, who is return'd to hinder us! Re-enter KITELY. Kit. What villany is this? call'd out on a false message! This was some plot; I was not sent for.-Bridget, Where is your sister? Brid. I think she be gone forth, sir. Kit. How is my wife gone forth? Whither, for God's sake? Brid. She's gone abroad with Thomas. Kit. Abroad with Thomas! Oh, that villain dors me:2 He hath discovered all unto my wife. Beast that I was, to trust him!-Whither, I pray Went she? Brid. I know not, sir. Wel. I'll tell your brother, Whither I suspect she's gone. Kit. Whither, good brother? [you, [Exit. Wel. To Cob's house, I believe: but, keep my counsel. Kit. I will, I will. To Cob's house! doth she haunt Cob's? [Exit. Wel. Indeed, sister, to ask how he employs Cob, is a necessary question for you that are his wife, and a thing not very easy for you to be satisfied in; but this I'll assure you, Cob's wife is an excellent bawd, sister, and oftentimes your husband haunts her house; marry, to what end? I cannot altogether accuse him; imagine you what you think convenient: but I have known fair hides have foul hearts ere now, sister. Dame K. Never said you truer than that, brother, so much I can tell you for your learning. Thomas, fetch your cloak and go with me. [Exit CASH] I'll after him presently: I would to fortune I could take him there, i'faith, I'd return him his own, I warrant him! [Exit. Wel. So, let 'em go; this may make sport anon. Now, my fair sister-in-law, that you knew but how happy a thing it were to be fair and beautiful. 1 the Tower. As the Tower was extra-parochial, it probably afforded some facility to private marriages. -GIFFORD. Wel. Come, he is once more gone, Sister, let's lose no time; the affair is worth it. ACT IV.-SCENE VII. A Street. Enter MATHEW and BOBADILL. [Exeunt. Mat. I wonder, captain, what they will say of my going away, ha? Bob. Why, what should they say, but as of a discreet gentleman; quick, wary, respectful of nature's fair lineaments? and that's all. Mat. Why so! but what can they say of your beating? · Bob. A rude part, a touch with soft wood, a 1 ceruse-a wash for the face and neck. 2 dors-befools. See note 1, p. 186, col. 2. Buzz and hum were used in the same sense last century. kind of gross battery used, laid on strongly, borne most patiently; and that's all. Mat. Ay, but would any man have offered it in Venice, as you say? Bob. Tut! assure you, no. You shall have there your nobilis, your gentilezza, come in bravely upon your reverse, stand you close, stand you firm, stand you fair, save your retricato with his left leg, come to the asaulto with the right, thrust with brave steel, defy your base wood! But wherefore do I awake this remembrance? I was fascinated, by Jupiter,-fascinated; but I will be unwitch'd, and revenged by law. Mat. Do you hear? is it not best to get a warrant, and have him arrested and brought before Justice Clement? Bob. It were not amiss; would we had it! Enter BRAINWORM disguised as FORMAL. Mat. Why, here comes his man; let's speak to him. Bob. Agreed, do you speak. Mat. Save you, sir! Brai. With all my heart, sir. Mat. Sir, there is one Downright hath abused this gentleman and myself, and we determine to make our amends by law. Now, if you would do us the favour to procure a warrant, to bring him afore your master, you shall be well considered, I assure you, sir. Brai. Sir, you know my service is my living; such favours as these gotten of my master is his only preferment, and therefore you must consider me as I may make benefit of my place. Mat. How is that, sir? Brai. Faith, sir, the thing is extraordinary, and the gentleman may be of great account; yet, be he what he will, if you will lay me down a brace of angels in my hand you shall have it, otherwise not. Mat. How shall we do, captain? He asks a brace of angels; you have no money? Bob. Not a cross,' by fortune. Mat. Nor I, as I am a gentleman, but twopence left of my two shillings in the morning for wine and radish: let's find him some pawn. Bob. Pawn! we have none to the value of his demand. Mat. Oh, yes; I'll pawn this jewel in my ear, and you may pawn your silk stockings, and puli up your boots, they will ne'er be missed: it must be done now. Bob. Well, an there be no remedy, I'll step aside and pull them off. [Withdraws. Mat. Do you hear, sir? we have no store of money at this time, but you shall have good pawns; look you, sir, this jewel, and that gentleman's silk stockings; because we would have it despatch'd ere we went to our chambers. Brai. I am content, sir; I will get you the warrant presently. What's his name, say you? Downright? Mat. Ay, ay, George Downright. Brai. What manner of man is he? Mat. A tall big man, sir; he goes in a cloak most commonly of silk-russet, laid about with russet lace. Brai. 'Tis very good, sir. Mat. Here, sir, here's my jewel. Bob. [returning.] And here are my stockings. 1 cross. The ancient penny, according to Stow, had a crest stamped on it, so that it might easily be broken in the midst, or in the four quarters. Hence it became a common phrase when a person had no money about him, to say he had not a single cross.-GIFFORD. Brai. Well, gentlemen, I'll procure you this warrant presently; but who will you have to serve it? Mat. That's true, captain; that must be considered. Bob. Body o' me, I know not; 'tis service of danger. Brai. Why, you were best get one o' the varlets of the city,' a serjeant. I'll appoint you one, if you please. Mat. Will you, sir? why, we can wish no better. Bob. We'll leave it to you, sir. [Exeunt BOB. and MAT. Brai. This is rare! Now will I go pawn this cloak of the justice's man's at the broker's for a varlet's suit, and be the varlet myself; and get either more pawns, or more money of Downright for the arrest. [Exit. ACT IV.-SCENE VIIL The Lane before Con's House. Know. Oh, here it is; I am glad I have found it now. Ho! who is within here? Tib. [within.] I am within, sir; what's your pleasure? Know. To know who is within beside yourself. Tib. Why, sir, you are no constable, I hope ? Know. Oh, fear you the constable? then I doubt not You have some guests within deserve that fear: I'll fetch him straight. Enter TIB. Tib. O' God's name, sir! Know. Go to. Come, tell me, is not young Knowell here? Tib. Young Knowell! I know none such, sir, o' mine honesty. Know. Your honesty, dame! it flies too lightly from you. There is no way but fetch the constable. Tib. The constable! the man is mad, I think. [Exit, and claps to the door. Enter DAME KITELY and CASH. Cash. Ho! who keeps house here? Know. Oh, this is the female copesmate of my Tib. Neither for need nor pleasure is he here. Know. This is but a device to baulk me withal: Enter KITELY, muffled in his cloak. I'faith, I am glad I have smok'd you yet at last. Know. She cannot counterfeit thus palpably. Kit. Out on thy more than strumpet impuSteal'st thou thus to thy haunts? and have I dence! taken When all thy powers in chastity are spent, Kit. Defy me, strumpet! Ask thy pander here, Kit. Tut, tut, tut; never speak: Thy guilty conscience will discover thee. Know. What lunacy is this, that haunts this man? Kit. Well, good wife bawd, Cob's wife, and you, That make your husband such a hoddy-doddy; And you, young apple-squire,2 and old cuckoldmaker; I'll have you every one before a justice: Though I do taste this as a trick put on me, Kit. Come, will you go? Dame K. Go! to thy shame believe it. Cob. Why, what's the matter here, what's here to do? Kit. Oh, Cob, art thou come? I have been abused, and in thy house; was never man so wrong'd! Cob. 'Slid, in my house, my Master Kitely! Who wrongs you in my house? Kit. Marry, young lust in old, and old in young here: Enter BRAINWORM, disguised as a City Serjeant. Brai. Well, of all my disguises yet, now am I most like myself, being in this serjeant's gown. A man of my present profession never counterfeits, till he lays hold upon a debtor, and says, he rests him; for then he brings him to all manner of unrest. A kind of little kings we are, bearing the diminutive of a mace, made like a young artichoke, that always carries pepper and salt in itself. Well, I know not what danger I undergo by this exploit; pray Heaven I come well off! Enter MATHEW and BOBADILL. Mat. See, I think, yonder is the varlet, by his gown. Bob. Let's go in quest of him. Mat. 'Save you, friend! are not you here by appointment of Justice Clement's man? Brai. Yes, an't please you, sir; he told me, two gentlemen had will'd him to procure a warrant from his master, which I have about me, to be served on one Downright. ; serve Mat. It is honestly done of you both; and see where the party comes you must arrest it upon him quickly, afore he be aware. Bob. Bear back, Master Mathew. Enter STEPHEN in DOWNRIGHT's cloak. Brai. Master Downright, I arrest you in the by virtue of this warrant. queen's name, and must carry you afore a justice Step. Me, friend! I am no Downright, I; I am Master Stephen. You do not well to arrest me, I tell you truly; I am in nobody's bonds nor books, I would you should know it. A plague on you heartily, for making me thus afraid afore my time! Brai. Why, now you are deceived, gentlemen. Bob. He wears such a cloak, and that deceived us. But see, here acomes indeed; this is he, officer. Enter DOWNRIGHT. Down. Why, how now, signior gull! are you turn'd filcher of late? Come, deliver my cloak. Step. Your cloak, sir! I bought it even now, in open market. Brai. Master Downright, I have a warrant I must serve upon you, procured by these two gentlemen. Down. These gentlemen? these rascals! [Offers to beat them. Brai. Keep the peace, I charge you in her majesty's name. Down. I obey thee. What must I do, officer? Brai. Go before Master Justice Clement, to answer that they can object against you, sir. I will use you kindly, sir. Mat. Come, let's before, and make the justice,1 captain. Bob. The varlet's a tall man, afore heaven! [Exeunt BOB. and MAT. Down. Gull, you'll give me my cloak. Step. Sir, I bought it, and I'll keep it. Down. You will? Step. Ay, that I will. Down. Officer, there's thy fee, arrest him. Brai. Master Stephen, I must arrest you. Step. Arrest me! I scorn it. There, take your cloak, I'll none on't. Down. Nay, that shall not serve your turn now, sir. Officer, I'll go with thee to the justice's; bring him along. Step. Why, is not here your cloak? what would you have? Down. I'll have you answer it, sir. Brai. Sir, I'll take your word, and this gentleman's too, for his appearance. Down. I'll have no words taken: bring him along. Brai. Sir, I may choose to do that, I may take bail. Down. 'Tis true, you may take bail, and choose at another time; but you shall not now, varlet: bring him along, or I'll swinge you. Brai. Sir, I pity the gentleman's case; here's your money again. Down. 'Sdeins, tell not me of my money; bring him away, I say. Brai. I warrant you he will go with you of himself, sir. Down. Yet more ado? Brai. I have made a fair mash on't. Step. Must I go? [Aside. Brai. I know no remedy, Master Stephen. Down. Come along afore me here; I do not love your hanging look behind. Step. Why, sir, I hope you cannot hang me for it: can he, fellow? Brai. I think not, sir; it is but a whipping matter, sure. Step. Why, then, let him do his worst, I am resolute. ACT V.-SCENE I. COLEMAN-STREET. [Exeunt. A Hall in JUSTICE Enter CLEMENT, KNOWELL, KITELY, Dame KITELY, TIB, CASH, COB, and Servants. Clem. Nay, but stay, stay, give me leave: my chair, sirrah. You, Master Knowell, say you went thither to meet your son? Know. Ay, sir. Clem. But who directed you hither? Know. Nay, I know not now; I left him with your clerk, and appointed him to stay here for Clem. So it appears, methinks; but on. Dame K. And that my husband used thither daily. Clem. No matter, so he used himself well, mistress. Dame K. True, sir; but you know what grows by such haunts oftentimes. Clem. I see rank fruits of a jealous brain. Mistress Kitely: but did you find your husband there, in that case as you suspected? Kit. I found her there, sir. Clem. Did you so! that alters the case. Who gave you knowledge of your wife's being there? Kit. Marry, that did my brother Wellbred. Clem. How, Wellbred first tell her; then tell you after! Where is Wellbred? Kit. Gone with my sister, sir, I know not whither. Clem. Why, this is a mere trick, a device; you are gull'd in this most grossly all. Alas, poor wench! wert thou beaten for this? Tib. Yes, most pitifully, an't please you. tence. Enter a Servant. How now, sir! what's the matter? Serv. Sir, there's a gentleman in the court without, desires to speak with your worship. Clem. A gentleman! what is he? Serv. A soldier, sir, he says. 1 Clem. A soldier! Take down my armour, my sword quickly. A soldier speak with me! Why, when, knaves? Come on, come on [arms himself. Hold my cap there, so; give me my gorget, my sword. Stand by, I will end your matters anon.-Let the soldier enter. [Exit Servant. Enter BOBADILL, followed by MATHEW. Now, sir, what have you to say to me? Bob. By your worship's favourClem. Nay, keep out, sir; I know not your You send me word, sir, you are a pretence. soldier: why, sir, you shall be answer'd here: here be them have been amongst soldiers. Sir, your pleasure. Bob. Faith, sir, so it is, this gentleman and myself have been most uncivilly wrong'd and beaten by one Downright, a coarse fellow, about | the town here; and for mine own part, I protest. being a man in no sort given to this filthy humour of quarrelling, he hath assaulted me in the way of my peace, despoiled me of mine honour, disarmed me of my weapons, and rudely laid me along in the open streets, when I not so much as once offered to resist him. Clem. Oh, God's precious! is this the soldier? Here, take my armour off quickly, 'twill make him swoon, I fear; he is not fit to look on't, that will put up a blow. Mat. An't please your worship, he was bound to the peace. Clem. Why, an he were, sir, his hands were not bound, were they? Clem. Bid him come in. [Exit Servant.] Set by this picture. Enter DOWNRIGHT, STEPHEN, and BRAINWORM, disguised as before. What, Master Downright! are you brought at Master Freshwater's suit here? Down. I'faith, sir: and here's another brought at my suit. Clem. What are you, sir? Step. A gentleman, sir. Oh, uncle! Clem. Uncle! who, Master Knowell? Know. Ay, sir, this is a wise kinsman of mine. Step. God's my witness, uncle, I am wrong'd here monstrously; he charges me with stealing of his cloak, and would I might never stir, if I did not find it in the street by chance. Down. Oh, did you find it now? You said you bought it erewhile. Step. And you said I stole it: nay, now my uncle is here, I'll do well enough with you. Clem. Well, let this breathe awhile. You that have cause to complain there, stand forth. Had you my warrant for this gentleman's apprehension? Bob. Ay, an't please your worship. Clem. Nay, do not speak in passion' so: where had you it? Bob. Of your clerk, sir. Clem. That's well! an my clerk can make warrants, and my hand not at them! Where is the warrant-officer, have you it? Brai. No, sir; your worship's man, Master Formal, bid me do it for these gentlemen, and he would be my discharge. Clem. Why, Master Downright, are you such a novice, to be served and never see the warrant? Down. Sir, he did not serve it on me. Clem. Oh, God's pity, was it so, sir? He must serve it! Give me my long sword there, and help me off. So, come on, sir varlet, I must cut off your legs, sirrah [BRAINWORM kneels]; nay, stand up, I'll use you kindly; I must cut off your legs, I say. [Flourishes over him with his long sword. Brai. Oh, good sir, I beseech you; nay, good Master Justice! Clem. I must do it, there is no remedy; 1 must cut off your legs, sirrah; I must cut off your ears, you rascal, I must do it; I must cut off your nose, I must cut off your head. Brai. Oh, good your worship! Clem. Well, rise; how dost thou do now? dost thou feel thyself well? hast thou no harm? Brai. No, I thank your good worship, sir. Clem. Why so! I said I must cut off thy legs, and I must cut off thy arms, and I must cut off thy head; but I did not do it: so you said you must serve this gentleman with my warrant, but you did not serve him. You knave, you slave, you rogue, do you say you must, sirrah! Away with him to the jail; I'll teach you a trick for your must, sir. Brai. Good sir, I beseech you, be good to me. Clem. Tell him he shall to the jail; away with him, I say. Brai. Nay, sir, if you will commit me, it shall be for committing more than this. I will not lose by my travail any grain of my fame, certain. [Throws off his serjeant's gown. 1 in passion-in so melancholy a tone, so pathetically. -GIFFORD. Ciem. How is this? Know. My man Brainworm! Step. Oh yes, uncle; Brainworm has been with my cousin Edward and I all this day. Clem. I told you all there was some device. Brai. Nay, excellent justice, since I have laid myself thus open to you, now stand strong for me; both with your sword and your balance. Clem. Body o' me, a merry knave! give me a bowl of sack. If he belong to you, Master Knowell, I bespeak your patience. Brai. That is it I have most need of. Sir, if you'll pardon me only, I'll glory in all the rest of my exploits. Know. Sir, you know I love not to have my favours come hard from me. You have your pardon, though I suspect you shrewdly for being of counsel with my son against me. Brai. Yes, faith, I have, sir, though you retain'd me doubly this morning for yourself: first as Brainworm; after as Fitz-Sword. I was your reform'd soldier, sir. 'Twas I sent you to Cob's upon the errand without end. Know. Is it possible? or that thou should'st disguise thy language so as I should not know thee? Brai. Oh, sir, this has been the day of my metamorphosis. It is not that shape alone that I have run through to-day. I brought this gentleman, Master Kitely, a message too, in the form of Master Justice's man here, to draw him out of the way, as well as your worship, while Master Wellbred might make a conveyance of Mistress Bridget to my young master. Kit. How! my sister stolen away? Know. My son is not married, I hope! Brai. Faith, sir, they are both as sure as love, a priest, and three thousand pound, which is her portion, can make them; and by this time are ready to bespeak their wedding-supper at the Windmill, except some friend here prevent them, and invite them home. Clem. Marry, that will I; I thank thee for putting me in mind on't.-Sirrah, go you and fetch them hither upon my warrant. [Exit Servant.] Neither friends have cause to be sorry, if I know the young couple aright. Here, I drink to thee for thy good news. But, I pray thee, what hast thou done with my man, Formal? Brai. Faith, sir, after some ceremony past, as making him drunk, first with story, and then with wine (but all in kindness), and stripping him to his shirt, I left him in that cool vein; departed, sold your worship's warrant to these two, pawn'd his livery for that varlet's gown, to serve it in; and thus have brought myself by my activity to your worship's consideration. Clem. And I will consider theo in another cup of sack. Here's to thee, which, having drunk off, this is my sentence. Pledge me. Thou hast done, or assisted to nothing, in my judgment, but deserves to be pardon'd for the wit of the offence. If thy master, or any man here, be angry with thee, I shall suspect his ingine,' while I know him, for't.-How now! what noise is that? Enter Servant. Serv. Sir, it is Roger is come home Enter FORMAL in a suit of armour. What! drunk? in arms against me? your reason, your reason for this? 1 ingine-from Lat. ingenium, wit, understanding. |
