Land. No, I guess we didn't. And so they threatened to

fire into us.

Trav. What did your captain do?

Land. "Fire, and be darned!" says he, "but you'd better not spill the deacon's ile, I tell you."

Trav. And so you ran off, did you?

Land. No; we sailed off a small piece. But the captain said it was a tarnal shame to let them steal our necessaries; and so he right about, and peppered 'em, I tell you.

Trav. "Mem.

them." (Aloud.)

Yankees pepper pirates when they meet
Did you take them?

Land. Yes; and my shear built this house.

Trav.

"Mem. Yankees build houses with shears.”

Land. It's an ill wind that blows nowhere, as the saying is. And now, may I make so bold as to ask whose name I shall enter in my books?

Land. Hem!-if it's not an impertinent question, may I ask which way you are traveling?

Land. Faith! have not I as good a right to catechize you as you had to catechize me?

Trav. Yes. "Mem. Yankees the most inquisitive people in the world, impertinent, and unwilling to communicate information to travelers." (Aloud.) Well, sir, if you have accommodations fit for a gentleman, I will put up with you.

Land. They have always suited gentlemen, but I can't say how you'll like 'em.

Trav. There is a tolerable prospect from this window. What hill is that, yonder?

Trav. Pretty hill! If I had my instruments here, I should like to take it.

Land. You had better not try. It required three thousand instruments to take it in '75.

Trav. "Mem. A common Yankee hill can not be drawn

without three thousand instruments." (Aloud.) Faith! Landlord, your Yankee draughtsmen must be great bunglers. But come, sir, give me breakfast, for I must be going; there is nothing else in the vicinity worthy the notice of a traveler.

THE DANDY.

SQUIRE GRUFF, who has been a Representative.

MR. ETHER, a City Barber, “showing off" in a Country Village. (SCENE-The village bar-room.)

Ether. (Always drawling affectedly.) Old Apocrypha !

do you vegetate in this village?

Gruff. Yes.

Ether. You don't say so!

Gruff. Yes, I do.

Ether. I can't live out of the metropolis. Your sun tans me,-tans me like a Hottentot,-indeed it does.

Gruff. It does not prevent your looking green.

Ether. Your air, too, stifles me; and your dust is altogether inconsistent with free respiration,—it is, indeed it is. Gruff. You'll die one of these days.

Ether. You are disposed to be facetious, friend. But I have found it impossible to live in America, since I visited Italy. Our houses are beaver-dams, decidedly. I can't look at a building here,-I can't really.

Gruff. Have you seen the State House?

Ether. I called to see it one morning, but,

Gruff. Wasn't it at home?

Ether. You are a very facetious gentleman,

you are, upon my soul; but I had rather make a pilgrimage to Mecca, than climb up to that cupola. I couldn't survive the fatigue,— I couldn't, by Hercules!

Gruff. You had better go up, then, at once.

Ether. I went up ten steps, and sank under it,-swooned, absolutely swooned;—and that barbarian of a guide had no fan to lend me. It is homicide, rank homicide, by Hercules ! Gruff. Are there no stairs in Italy?

Ether. You are disposed to be facetious, friend. But you never traveled, I'll bet a half-sized-ice-cream you haven't.

Gruff. I'll take the bet.

Ether. You won't though, will you? Well, I'm glad to meet with a traveler; for there's nothing here worth talking about. When one has been abroad, home is execrable,— perfectly hideous, I assure you.

Gruff. Better stay away, then.

Ether. You are right, friend.-decidedly right. I wish the boiler of the steam-packet that transported me back, had collapsed,-upon my soul, I do,-even though my epidermis had been damped by the steam.

Gruff. Can you swim ?

Ether. You are too facetious, old horse-radish !—But it is relapsing into barbarism to come home again,—it is dying by inches, it is, indeed it is.

Gruff. How tall are you?

Ether. I shall evaporate in a consumption in six weeks,— I shall, indeed.

Gruff. You had better hang yourself.

Ether. No, that would be vulgar, decidedly vulgar,

unmitigated vulgarity!—it would, indeed. I would put my

head in a bowl of German cologne, if I thought I could keep it under.

Gruff. I'll hold it down for you.

Ether. Thank you kindly. I hate to trouble a friend, in such an unpleasant business.

Gruff. No trouble. I've drowned a hundred puppies in my day.

Ether. Do you mean to apply that offensive appellation to me, sir?

Gruff. You applied it ;-I didn't.

Ether. O, you didn't apply it. Well apologized; for I am averse to bloodshed,—decidedly averse to shedding blood, sir.

Gruff. Look here, young chap! what is your name?

Ether. Name, sir?-name! It is decidedly impolite to ask a gentleman his name I can not answer to impolite questions, upon my soul, I can not.

Gruff. Give me your card, then.

Ether. Excuse me,-I left the last perfumed one at Miss Vanilla's, just before I had the extraordinary happiness of meeting you.

Gruff. Give me one that is not perfumed.

Ether. Excuse me, my dear sir,—you distress me exceedingly. I am not accustomed to such personalities,—decidedly unaccustomed,―altogether unused, I assure you.

Gruff. Is not your name Ether?

Ether. Sir! you are disposed to be facetious, sir,—decidedly facetious, sir, upon my honor. What could superinduce the unaccountable liberty that you have taken in suspecting that my name may be,- eh! what did you conjecture that

Ether. Some stupendous conspiracy has been formed to disturb my equanimity,—it has, indeed it has.

Gruff. You seem to be all in a lather.

Ether. 'Sdeath and gunpowder-tea! why do you persecute me in this decidedly unpleasant manner? Beware, sir! I may become passionate,-decidedly passionate, sir,- and then I can not answer for the consequences !—yes, sir, for the consequences! I may do a deed that may be irrevocable, irremédiable, sir,-unequivocally irremédiable as death itself, sir !-I may, indeed, sir!

Gruff. Young man, you had better go home to your shop. You never saw any thing of Italy, but Naples soap you sell. If you are ashamed of your business, let me tell you that every honest trade is a respectable one; and, in my opinion, the plainest barber is, in every respect, superior to an affected monkey,―decidedly superior,-upon my soul, snperior,—it is indeed. So, good-by to you. (He goes out.)

Ether. Well, this is decidedly plain,-upon my soul, it is; and, if it was not for one thing more than another, I'd follow that old crabstick, I would, decidedly, upon my honor, I would. I deserve two immortalities,--indeed I do,— for not becoming passionate, unrestrainedly passionate, under such provocation. But I will punish him. I'll take him by the nose, if he ever enters my shop again, and if I don't lacerate his jugular for him, it will be because I'm afraid to,— indeed it will, it will indeed. (He goes out, pulling up his dickey with a determined air.)

LAUNCELOT AND HIS FATHER GOBBO.

(Enter old Gobbo, with a basket.)

Gobbo. Master, young man, you, I pray you; which is

the way to Master Jew's?