To keep the queen's peace is more for his behoof.

If any woman smile or cast on him an eye,
Up is he to the hard ears in love by-and-by;
And in all the hot haste must she be his wife,
Else farewell his good days, and farewell his
life!

Master Ralph Roister Doister is but dead and gone,

Except she on him take some compassion. Then chief of counsel must be Matthew Merrygreek.

What if I for marriage to such an one seek?
Then must I soothe it, whatever it is:
For what he saith or doth cannot be amiss.
Hold up his Yea and Nay, be his own white

son.

Praise and rouse him well, and ye have his heart won:

For so well liketh he his own fond fashions, That he taketh pride of false commendations. But such sport have I with him as I would not leese,

Though I should be bound to live with bread and cheese.

For exalt him, and have him as ye lust* indeed,
Yea, to hold his finger in a hole for a need.
I can with a word make him fain or loath;
I can with as much make him pleased or
wroth;

I can when I will make him merry and glad;
I can, when me lust,* make him sorry and sad;
I can set him in hope, and eke in despair;
I can make him speak rough, and make him
speak fair.

* List.

THREE PLAYERS, BAYES, JOHNSON, SMITH, GENTLEMAN USHER, PHYSICIAN, FIRST KING OF BRENTFORD, SECOND KING OF BRENTFORD, SOLDIERS, TWO HERALDS, ARMY, DRAWCANSIR.

Enter THREE PLAYERS.

1st Player. Have you your part perfect? 2nd Player. Yes, I have it without book; but I don't understand how it is to be spoken.

3rd Player. And mine is such a one, as I can't guess, for my life, what humour I'm to be in-whether angry, melancholy, merry, or in love, I don't know what to make on't.

1st Player. Phoo! the author will be here presently, and he'll tell us all. You must know this is the new way of writing, and these hard things please forty times better than the old plain way: for, look you, sir, the grand design upon the stage is, to keep the auditors in suspense.

2nd Player. I'm not of thy mind: but so it gets us money, 'tis no great matter.

Enter BAYES, JOHNSON, and SMITH. Bayes. Come, come in, gentlemen; you're very welcome. Mr-a-ha' you your part ready?

1st Player. Yes, sir.

Bayes. But do you understand the true humour of it?

1st Player. Ay, sir, pretty well. Bayes. And Amaryllis, how does she do? Does not her armour become her?

3rd Player. Oh, admirably!

Bayes. I'll tell you now a pretty conceit. What do you think I'll make them call her anon, in this play?

Smith. What, pray?

Bayes. Why, I make them call her Armaryllis because of her armour, ha, ha, ha! Johnson. That will be very well indeed. Bayes. (To the Players.) Go, get yourselves ready. [Exeunt PLAYERS. Bayes. Now, gentlemen, I would fain ask your opinion of one thing; I have made a prologue and an epilogue, which may both serve for either, that is, the prologue for the epilogue or the epilogue for the prologue (do you mark?); nay, they may both serve too, 'egad, for any other play as well as this.

Smith. Very well; that's indeed artificial. Bayes. And I would fain ask your judg ments now, which of them would do best for the prologue? For, you must know, there is, in nature, but two ways of making very good prologues. The one is by civility, by insinuation, good language, and all that, to-a-in a

manner, steal your plaudit from the courtesy of the auditors: the other, by making use of some certain personal things; to which end, my first prologue is, that I come out in a long black veil, and a great huge hangman behind me, with a furred cap, and his sword drawn; and there tell them plainly, that if, out of good-nature, they will not like my play, 'egad, I'll e'en kneel down, and he shall cut my head off. Whereupon they fall a-clapping-a

Smith. Ay, but suppose they don't.

Bayes. Suppose! sir, you may suppose what you please; I have nothing to do with your supposes, sir; nor am I at all mortified at it; not at all, sir; 'egad, not one jot, sir. Suppose, quotha-ha, ha, ha! (Walks away.) But, pray, sir, how do you like my hangman? Smith. By my troth, sir, I should like him very well.

Bayes. But how do you like it, sir (for I see you can judge)? Would you like it for a prologue or the epilogue?

Johnson. Faith, sir, 'tis so good, let it e'en serve for both.

Bayes. Now, sir, because I'll do nothing here that ever was done before, instead of beginning with a scene that discovers something of the plot, I begin this play with a whisper.

Smith. Umph! very new indeed.

Bayes. Come, take your seats. Begin, sirs.

Physician. Sir, to conclude, the place you fill has more than amply exacted the talents of a wary pilot; and all these threatening storms which, like impregnate clouds, hover o'er our heads, will (when they are once grasp'd but by the eye of reason), melt into fruitful showers of blessings on the people.

Bayes. Pray, mark that allegory! Is not that good?

Johnson. Yes, that grasping of a storm with the eye is admirable.

Physician. But yet some rumours great are stirring; and if Lorenzo should prove false (which none but the great gods can tell), you then, perhaps, would find that-(Whispers.) Bayes. Now he whispers.

Usher. Alone, do you say?

Physician. No; attended with the noble

These are the reasons that have moved him to’t.
First, he-
(Whispers.)
Bayes. Now, the other whispers.
Usher. Secondly, they— (Whispers.)
Bayes. At it still.

Usher. Thirdly and lastly, both he and (Whispers.)

they-
Bayes. Now they both whisper.

[Exeunt whispering. Now, pray, tell me true, and without flattery, is not this a very odd beginning of a play? Johnson. In troth, I think it is, sir. But why two Kings of the same place?

Bayes. Why, because it's new; and that's it I aim at. I despise your Beaumont and Jonson, that borrowed all they writ from nature; I am for fetching it purely out of my own fancy

Enter the Two KINGS hand in hand.

1.

That they intend, sweetheart, to play us pranks.

Bayes. This is now familiar, because they are both persons of the same quality.

1st King. If that design appears,

I'll lug them by the ears,

Until I make them crack.

160

(They all kill one another. Music strikes.) Bayes. (To the music.) Hold, hold! (It ceases.) Now here's an odd surprise; all these dead men you shall see rise up presently at a certain note that I have made in effaut flat, and fall a dancing. Do you hear, dead men? Remember your note in effaut flat. (To the music.) Play on. Now, now, now! (The music plays his note, and the dead men rise, but cannot get in order.) O Lord! O 210 Lord! Out, out, out! Did ever men spoil a good thing so? No figure, no ear, no timenothing. Udzookers! you dance worse than the angels in Harry the Eighth, or the fat spirits in the Tempest, 'egad!

1st Soldier. Why, sir, it is impossible to do anything in time to this tune.

Bayes. O Lord! O Lord! impossible! Why, gentlemen, if there be any faith in a person that's a Christian, I sat up two whole nights in composing this air, and adapting it 220 for the business: for if you observe, there are two several designs in this tune; it begins swift and ends slow. You talk of time and time; you shall see me do 't. Look you now; here I am dead. (Lies down flat on his face.) Now mark my note effaut flat. Strike up, Music. Now! (As he rises up hastily he falls down again.) Ah, gadzookers, I have broken my nose!

Johnson. By my troth, Mr Bayes, this is a 230 very unfortunate note of yours, in effaut.

Bayes. A plague of this stage! with your nails, and your tenter-hooks, that a gentleman can't come to teach you to act, but he must break his nose, and his face, and the devil and all! Pray, sir, can you help me to a piece of wet brown paper?

Smith. No, indeed, sir; I don't usually carry any about me.

2nd Soldier. Sir, I'll go get you some within 240 presently.

Bayes. Go, go then, I'll follow you. I'll be with you in a moment.

[Exit.

(Returns with large piece of sticking plaister on his nose.)

Disarmed, like this other leg doth prove.
Shall I to honour or to love give way?
Go on, cries Honour; tender Love says nay:
Honour aloud commands, pluck both shoes

on;

But softer Love does whisper, put on none. What shall I do? What conduct shall I

find,

To lead me through this twilight of my

mind? 270 For as bright day, with black approach of

night

Contending, makes a doubtful puzzling light;
So does my honour and my love together,
Puzzle me so, I can resolve for neither.
(Goes out hopping, with one boot on and the
other off.)

Bayes. Now, I will be bold to say I'll show you the greatest scene that England ever saw : I mean not for words, for those I don't value; but for state, show and magnificence. In fine, I'll justify it to be as grand to the eye every whit as that great scene in Henry the Eighth, 280 and grander, too, 'egad; for instead of two bishops, I bring in here two kings.

290

(The Two Kings light out of the clouds, and step into the Thrones.)

1st King. Come, now to serious counsel we'll advance.

2nd King. I do agree.

An alarm. Enter Two HERALDS.

Ist King. What saucy groom molests our privacies?

1st Herald. The Army, at the door and in disguise,

Desires a word with both your Majesties. 2nd Herald. Having from Knightsbridge hither marched by stealth.

2nd King. Bid them attend awhile, and drink our health.

Smith. How, Mr Bayes? The Army in disguise!

Bayes. Ay, sir, for fear the usurpers might discover them.

Smith. Why, what if they had discovered them?

Bayes. Why, then they had broke the design.

1st King. Here, take five guineas for those warlike men.

2nd King. And here's five more; that makes the sum just ten.

1st Herald. We have not seen so much the Lord knows when. [Exeunt HERALDS. (Drums beat behind the stage.),

1st King. What dreadful noise is this that comes and goes?

Bayes. By an eclipse; which, let me tell 31 you, is a kind of fancy that was never yet so much as thought of but by myself and one person more, that shall be nameless. But-a -Sir, you have heard, I suppose, that your eclipse of the moon is nothing else but an interposition of the earth between the sun and the moor; as likewise your eclipse of the sun is caused by an interlocation of the moon betwixt the earth and the sun.

Smith. I have heard some such thing indeed. 32 Bayes. Well, sir, then what do I but make the earth, sun, and moon come out upon the stage and dance, and of necessity, by the very nature of this dance, the earth must be sometimes between the sun and the moon, and the moon between the earth and the sun and there you have both eclipses by demonstration. Johnson. That must needs be very fine, truly.