Ex R: Greg. It s genteel, the squire does the same. Dor. Pray, Sir, what are you willing I shall do with my family? Greg. Whatever you please. Dor. My four little children, that are continually crying for bread. Greg. Give 'em a rod! best cure in the world for crying children. Dor. And do you imagine, sot Greg. Hark ye, my dear; you know my temper is not over and above passive, and that my arm is extremely active. Dor. I laugh at your threats, poor, beggarly, insolent fellow. Greg. Soft object of my wishing eyes, I shall play with your pretty ears. Dor. Touch me, if you dare, you insolent, impudent, dirty, lazy, rascally Greg. Oh, ho, ho! you will have it then, I [Beats her. find. Dor. O murder ! murder ! Enter SQUIRE Robert. Rob. What's the matter here? fie upon you, neighbour, to beat your wife in this scandalous manner. Dor. Well, Sir, and I have a mind to be beat, and what then? Rob. O dear, Madam! I give my consent with all my heart and soul. Dor. What's that you, saucebox? Is it any business of yours? Rob. No, certainly, Madam. Dor. Here's an impertinent fellow for you, wont suffer a husband to beat his own wife! Rob. Neighbour, I ask your pardon heartily; here, take and thrash your wife, beat her as you ought to do. Greg. No, Sir, I wont beat her. Rob. O! Sir, that's another thing. Greg. I'll beat her when I please, and will not beat her when I do not please. She is my wife, and not yours. Rob. Certainly. [Exit. Dor. Give me the stick, dear husband. Rob. Well, if ever I attempt to part husband and wife again, may I be beaten myself. Greg. Come, my dear, let us be friends. Dor. What, after beating me so? Greg. 'Twas but in jest. Dor. I desire you will crack your jests on your own bones, not on mine. Greg. Psha! you know, you and I are one, and I beat one half of myself when I beat you. Dor. Yes, but for the future I desire you will beat the other half of yourself. Greg. Come, my pretty dear, I ask pardon, I'm sorry for❜t. Dor. For once I pardon you,—but you shall pay for it. Greg. Psha! Psha! child, these are only little affairs, necessary in friendship; four or five good blows with a cudgel between your very fond couples, only tend to heighten the affections. I'll now to the wood, and I promise thee to make a hundred faggots before I come home again. [Exit. Dor. If I am not revenged on those blows of yours!-Oh, that I could but think of some method to be revenged on him! Hang the rogue, he's quite insensible of cuckoldom.-Oh, that I could find out some invention to get him well drubbed! Enter HARRY and JAMES. Har. Were ever two fools sent on such a message as we are, in quest of a dumb doctor? Jam. Blame your own cursed memory, that made you forget his name. For my part, I'll tra vel through the world rather than return without him; that were as much as a limb or two were worth. Har. Was ever such a cursed misfortune! to lose the letter! I should not even know his name if I were to hear it. Dor. Can I find no invention to be revenged ?— Heyday! who are these? Jam. Harkye, mistress, do you know wherewhere-where doctor what-d'ye call him lives? Dor. Doctor who? Jam. Doctor-doctor-what's his name? Dor. Hey! what has the fellow a mind to banter me? Har. Is there no physician hereabouts, famous for curing dumbness? Dor. fancy you have no need of such a physician, Mr. Impertinence. Har. Don't mistake us, good woman; we don't mean to banter you; we are sent by our master, whose daughter has lost her speech, for a certain physician, who lives hereabouts; we have lost our direction, and 'tis as much as our lives are worth to return without him. Dor. There is one Doctor Lazy lives just by, but he has left off practising. You would not get him a mile, to save the lives of a thousand patients. Jam. Direct us but to him; we'll bring him with us one way or other, I warrant you. Har. Ay, ay, we'll have him with us, though we carry him on our backs. Dor. Ha! Heaven has inspired me with one of the most admirable inventions to be revenged on my hang-dog! [Aside.] I assure you, if you can get him with you, he'll do your young lady's business for her; he's reckoned one of the best physicians in the world, especially for dumbness. Har. Pray, tell us where he lives? Dor. You'll never be able to get him out of his own house; but, if you watch hereabouts, you'll certainly meet with him, for he very often amuses himself here with cutting of wood, Har. A physician cut wood? Jam. I suppose he amuses himself in searching after herbs, you mean. Dor. No, he's one of the most extraordinary men in the world: he goes dressed like a com mon clown; for there is nothing he so much dreads, as to be known for a physician. Jam. All your great men have strange oddities about 'em. Dor. Why, he will suffer himself to be beat, before he will own himself to be a physician: and I'll give you my word, you'll never make him own himself one, unless you both of you take a good cudgel, and thrash him into it; 'tis what we are all forced to do when we have any need of him. Jam. What a ridiculous whim is here! Dor. Very true; and in so great a man, Jam. And is he so very skilful a man? Dor. Skilful? why he does miracles. About half a year ago, a woman was given over by all her physicians, nay, she had been dead some time; when this great man came to her, as soon as he saw her, he poured a little drop of something down her throat-he had no sooner done it, than she got out of her bed, and walked about the room, as if there had been nothing the matter with her. Both. Oh, prodigious! Dor. 'Tis not above three weeks ago, that a child of twelve years old fell from the top of a house to the bottom, and broke its skull, its arms, and legs. Our physician was no sooner drubbed into making him a visit, than, having rubbed the child all over with a certain ointment, it got upon its legs, and ran away to play. Jam. O pray, Sir, leave this idle discourse. Can a person, like you, amuse himself in this manner? Can a learned and famous physician, like you, try to disguise himself to the world, and bury such fine talents in the woods? Greg. The fellow's a fool. Jam. Let me intreat you, Sir, not to dissemble with us. Har. It is in vain, Sir; we know what you are. Greg. Know what you are! what do you know of me? Jam. Why, we know you, Sir, to be a very Both. Oh, most wonderful! Har. Hey, gad, James we'll drub him out of a great physician. pot of this ointment. Jam. But can he cure dumbness? Dor. Dumbness! why the curate of our parish's wife was born dumb, and the doctor, with a sort of wash, washed her tongue 'till he set it a-going, so that in less than a month's time she out-talked her husband. Har. This must be the very man we were sent after. Dor. Yonder is the very man I speak of. Dor. The very same. He has spied us, and taken up his bill. Jam. Come, Harry, don't let us lose one moment.-Mistress, your servant; we give you ten thousand thanks for this favour. Greg. Physician in your teeth! I a physician! Jam. The fit is on him.-Sir, let me beseech you to conceal yourself no longer, and oblige us to-you know what. Greg. Devil take me, if I know what, Sir→ But I know this, that I'm no physician. Jam. We must proceed to the usual remedy. I Jam. You are no physician? Jam. Well, if we must, we must. [Beats him, Greg. Oh! oh! Gentlemen! Gentlemen! what are you doing? I am-I am-whatever you please to have me! Jam. Why will you oblige us, Sir, to this vio Dor. Be sure and make good use of your sticks.lence? [Exeunt. SCENE II-Another part of the Wood. Enter JAMES, HARRY, and GREGORY. Jam. Sir, your most obedient, humble servant. Jam. We are mighty happy in finding you here. Greg. Ay, like enough. Jam. 'Tis in your power, Sir, to do us a very great favour-We come, Sir, to implore your assistance in a certain affair. Greg. If it be in my power to give you any assistance, masters, I am very ready to do it. Jam. Sir, you are extremely obliging-but, dear Sir, let me beg you'd be covered, the sun will hurt your complexion. Har. For Heaven's sake, Sir, be covered. Greg. These should be footmen, by their dress: but should be courtiers, by their ceremony. [Aside. Jam. You must not think it strange, Sir, that we come thus to seek after you; men of your capacity will be sought after by the whole world. Greg. Truly, gentlemen, though I say it, that should not say it, I have a pretty good hand at a faggot. Jam. O dear Sir! Greg. You may, perhaps, buy faggots cheaper elsewhere; but, if you find such. in all this country, you shall have mine for nothing. To make but one word then with you, you shall have mine for ten shillings a hundred. Jam. Don't talk in that manner I desire you. Greg. I could not sell 'em a penny cheaper, if 'twas to my father. Jam. Dear Sir, we know you very well-don't jest with us in this manner. Greg, Faith, master, I am so much in earnest, hat I can't bate one farthing. Har. Why will you force us to this troublesome remedy? Jam. I assure you, Sir, it gives me a great deal of pain. Greg. I assure you, Sir, and so it does me. But pray, gentlemen, what is the reason that you have a mind to make a physician of me? Jam. What! do you deny your being a physi cian again? Greg. And the devil take me if I am. Greg. May I be hanged, if I am. [They best him.] Oh!-oh!-Dear gentlemen! Oh! for Heaven's sake; I am a physician, and an apothe cary too, if you'll have me: I had rather be any thing, than be knocked o' the head. Jam. Dear Sir, I am rejoiced to see you come to your senses; I ask pardon ten thousand times for what you have forced us to. Greg. Perhaps I am deceived myself, and am a physician without knowing it. But, dear gentlemen, are you certain I'm a physician? Jam. Yes, the greatest physician in the world. Har. A physician that has cured all sorts of distempers. Greg. The devil I have! Jam. That has made a woman walk about the room after she was dead six hours. Har. That set a child upon its legs immediately after it had broke 'em. Jam. That made the curate's wife, who was dumb, talk faster than her husband. Har. Look ye, Sir, you shall have content; my master will give you whatever you will de mand. Greg. Shall I have whatever I will demand? Greg. I am a physician without doubt-I had forgot it, but I begin to recollect myself.—Welland what is the distemper I am to cure? Jam. My young mistress, Sir,has lost her tongue. །། Greg. The devil take me if I have found it.But come, gentlemen, if I must go with you, I must have a physician's habit; for a physician can no more prescribe without a full wig, than without a fee. [Exeunt. Enter DORCAS. Dor. I don't remember my heart has gone so Spit-a-pat with joy a long while. Revenge is art surely the most delicious morsel the devil ever dropped into the mouth of a woman. And this is a revenge which costs nothing; for, lack-a-day! to plant horns upon a husband's head is more dangerous than is imagined.-Odd! I had a narrow escape when I met with this fool; the best of my market was over, and I began to grow almost as cheap as a cracked China cup. ACT II. SCENE I-SIR JASPER'S House. Enter SIR JASPER and JAMES. Sir J. Where is he? where is he? [Erit. Sir J. Ha! does Hippocrates say so? In what chapter, pray? Greg. In his chapter of hats. Sir J. Since Hippocrates says so, I shall obey him. Greg. Doctor, after having exceedingly travelled in the highway of letters Sir J. Doctor! pray whom do you speak to ? Greg. To you, doctor. Sir J. Ha, ha!—I am a knight, thank the king's grace for it; but no doctor. Greg. What, you're no doctor? Sir J. No, upon my word. [Beats him. Sir J. Done, in the devil's name! what 's done? Greg. Why now you are made a doctor of physic-I am sure it's all the degrees I ever took. Sir J. What devil of a fellow have you brought here? Jam. I told you, Sir, the doctor had strange whims with him. Sir J. Whims, quotha !egad, I shall bind his physicianship over to his good behaviour, if he has any more of these whims. Greg. Sir, I ask pardon for the liberty I have taken. Sir J. Nothing at all, nothing at all, Sir. Greg. Which I was obliged to have the honour of laying so thick on you. Sir J. Let's talk no more of 'em, Sir-my daughter, doctor, is fallen into a very strange distemper. Greg. Sir, I am overjoyed to hear it and 1 wish with all my heart, you and your whole family had the same occasion for me as your daughter, to show the great desire I have to serve you. Sir J. Sir, I am obliged to you. Greg. I assure you, Sir, I speak from the very bottom of my soul. Sir J. I do believe you, Sir, from the very bottom of mine. Greg. What is your daughter's name? ser J. No, Sir, she was christened Charlotta. Greg. Hum! I had rather she should have been christened Charlotte. Charlotte is a very good name for a patient; and let me tell you, the name is often of as much service to the patient as the physician is. Enter CHARLOTTE and MAID. Sir J. Sir, my daughter's here. Greg. Is that my patient? Upon my word, she carries no distemper in her countenance, and fancy a healthy young fellow would sit very well upon her. I Sir J. You make her smile, doctor. Greg. So much the better; 'tis a very good sign when we can get a patient to smile; it is a sign that the distemper begins to clarify, as we say. Well, child, what's the matter with you? what's your distemper? Char. Han, hi, hon, han- Greg. Han! hon! honin ha!--I don't understand a word she says. Han! hi! hon! what the devil of a language is this? Sir J. Why, that's her distemper, Sir; she's become dumb, and no one can assign the cause-and this distemper, Sir, has kept back her marriage. Greg. Kept back her marriage! why so? Sir J. Because her lover refuses to have her till she's cured. Greg. O lud! was ever such a fool, that would not have his wife dumb!would to Heaven my wife was dumb, I'd be far from desiring to cure her. Does this distemper, this han, hi, hon, oppress her very much? Sir J. Yes, Sir. Greg. So much the better. Has she any great pains? Sir J. Very great. Greg. That's just as I would have it. Give me your hand, child. Hum-ha-a very dumb pulse indeed. Sir J. You have guessed her distemper. Greg. Ay, Sir, we great physicians know a distemper immediately: I know some of the college would call this the Boree, or the Coupee, or the Sinkee, or twenty other distempers; but I give you my word, Sir, your daughter is nothing more than dumb-so I'd have you be very easy for there is nothing else the matter with herif she were not dumb, she would be as well as I am. Sir J. But I should be glad to know, doctor, from whence her dumbness proceeds? Greg. Nothing so easily accounted for. Her dumbness proceeds from her having lost her speech. Sir J. But whence, if you please, proceeds her having lost her speech? Greg. All our best authors will tell you, it is the impediment of the action of the tongue. Sir J. But if you please, dear Sir, your sentiment upon that impediment. Greg. Aristotle has upon that subject said very fine things; very fine things. Sir J. I believe it, doctor. Greg. Ah! he was a great man; he was indeed a very great man, who upon that subject was a man that but to return to our reasoning: I hold that this impediment of the action of the tongue is caused by certain humours which our great physicians call-humours-humours-ah! you understand Latin Sir J. Not in the least. Greg. What, not understand Latin? Sir J. No indeed, doctor. Greg. Cabricius arci Thurum Cathalimus, Singulariter non. Hæc musa, hic, hæc, hoc, Genitivo hujus, hunc, hanc, Muse, Bonus, bona, bonum. Estne oratio Latinus? Etiam. Quia Substantivo et Adjectivum concordat in Generi, Numerum, et Casus, sic aiunt, prædicant, clamitant, et similibus. Sir J. Ah! Why did I neglect my studies? Har. What a prodigious man is this! Greg. Besides, Sir, certain spirits passing from the left side, which is the seat of the liver, to the right, which is the seat of the heart, we find the lungs, which we call in Latin, Whiskerus, having communication with the brain, which we name in Greek, Jack bootos, by means of a hollow vein, which we call in Hebrew, Periwiggus, meet in the road with the said spirits, which fill the ventricles of the Omotaplasmus, and because the said humours have-you comprehend me well, Sir? and because the said humours have a certain malignity- -listen seriously, I beg you. Sir J. I do. Greg. Have a certain malignity that is caused -be attentive, if you please. Sir J. I am. Greg. That is caused, I say, by the acrimony of the humours engendered in the concavity of the diaphragm; thence it arrives, that these vapours, Propria quæ maribus tribuuntur, mascula dicas, Ut sunt divorum.-This, Sir, is the cause of your daughter's being dumb. Har. O that I had but his tongue. Sir J. It is impossible to reason better, no doubt. But, dear Sir, there is one thing.-I always thought 'till now, that the heart was on the laft side, and the liver on the right. Why, my advice is, that you immediately put her into a bed warmed with a brass warming-pan cause her to drink one quart of spring water, mixed with one pint of brandy, six Seville oranges, and three ounces of the best double refined sugar Sir J. Why, this is punch, doctor. Greg. Punch, Sir! Ay, Sir;-and what's better than punch, to make people talk ?-Never tell me of your juleps, your gruels, your-yourthis, and that, and t'other, which are only arts to keep a patient in hand a long time. I love to do a business all at once. Sir J. Doctor, I ask pardon, you shall be obeyed. [Gires money. Greg. I'll return in the evening, and see what effect it has on her. But hold, there's another young lady here, that I must apply some little remedies to. Maid. Who, me? I was never better in my life, I thank you, Sir. Greg. So much the worse, Madam, so much the worse-'tis very dangerous to be very well -for when one is very well, one has nothing else to do, but to take physic, and bleed away. Sir J. Oh strange! What, bleed when one has no distemper ? Greg. It may be strange, perhaps, but 'tis very wholesome. Besides, Madam, it is not your case, at present, to be very well; at least, you cannot possibly be well above three days longer: and it is always best to cure a distemper before you have it-or as we say in Greek, distemprum bestum est curare ante habestum.—What I shall prescribe you, at present, is to take every six hours one of these boluses. Maid. Ha, ha, ha! Why, doctor, these look exactly like lumps of loaf sugar. Greg. Take one of these boluses, I say, every six hours, washing it down with six spoonfulle of the best Holland's Geneva. Sir J. Sure you are in jest, doctor!-This wench does not show any symptom of a distemper. Greg. Sir Jasper, let me tell you, it were not amiss if you yourself took a little lenitive physic: I shall prepare something for you. Sir J. Ha, ha, ha! No, no, doctor, I have escaped both doctors and distempers hitherto, and I am resolved the distemper shall pay me the first visit. Greg. Say you so, Sir? Why then, if I can get no more patients here, I must even seek 'em elsewhere, and so humbly beggo te Domine Domitii veniam goundi foras. Sir J. Well, this is a physician of vast capa city, but of exceeding odd humours. [Exeunt SCENE II-The Street. Enter LEANDER. Lean. Ah, Charlotte! thou hast no reason to apprehend my ignorance of what thou endurest, since I can so easily guess thy torment by my own we-Oh how much more justifiable are my fears when you have not only the command of a parent, but the temptation of fortune to allure you! Greg. Ay, Sir, so they were formerly, but nave changed all that.-The college, at present, Sir, proceeds upon an entire new method. Sir J. I ask your pardon, Sir. Greg. Oh, Sir! there's no harm-you're not obliged to know so much as we do. Sir J. Very true; but, doctor, what would you have done with my daughter? Enter GREGORY. Greg. Upon my word, this is a good begin ning, and since Lean. I have waited for you, doctor, a long Greg. What would I have done with her? | time; I'm come to beg your assistance. Greg. Ay, you have need of my assistance in- Greg. How, Sir! not sick! do you think I Lean. Well, if I have any distemper, it is the love of that young lady your patient, from whom you just now came, and to whom, if you convey me, I swear, dear doctor, I shall be effectually cured. Greg. Do you take me for a pimp, Sir, a physician for a pimp? Lean. Dear Sir! make no noise. Greg. Sir, I will make a noise; you're an impertinent fellow. Lean. Softly, good Sir! Greg. I shall show you, Sir, that I'm not such a sort of a person, and that you are an insolent, saucy-[LEANDER gives a purse.]-I'm not speaking to you, Sir; but there are certain impertinent fellows in the world, that take people for what they are not- -which always puts me, Sir, into such a passion, that Lean. I ask pardon, Sir, for the liberty I have Greg. O dear Sir! no offence in the least. Lean. This distemper, Sir, which you are Greg. Hum!-suppose you were to disguise yourself as an apothecary? Lean. I'm not very well known to her father, therefore believe I may pass upon him securely. Greg. Pshaw, pshaw, pshaw! I don't understand one word that you mean. Jam. His wife is sick, doctor, and he has brought you a guinea for your advice. Give it the doctor, friend. [DAVY gives the guinea. Greg. Ay, now I understand you; here's a gentleman explains the case. You say your wife is sick of the dropsy? Davy. Yes, an't please your worship. Greg. Well, I have made a shift to comprehend your meaning at last; you have the strangest way of describing a distemper. You say your wife is always calling for drink; let her have as much as she desires, she can't drink too much; and d'ye hear, give her this piece of cheese! Davy. Cheese, Sir! Greg. Ay, cheese, Sir. The cheese of which this is a part, has cured more people of a dropsy, than ever had it. Davy. I give your worship a thousand thanks; I'll go make her take it immediately. [Exit. Greg. Go; and, if she dies, be sure to bury her after the best manner you can. Enter DORCAS. Dor. I'm like to pay severely for my frolic, if I have lost my husband by it. Greg. Oh, physic and matrimony! my wife! Dor. For, though the rogue used me a little roughly, he was as good a workman as any in five miles of his head. Greg. What evil stars, in the devil's name, have sent her hither? If I could but persuade her to take a pill or two that I'd give her, I should be a physician to some purpose-come hider, child, leta me feela your pulsa. Dor. What have you to do with my pulse? Greg. I am de French physicion, my dear, and I am to feel a de pulse of the pation. Dor. Yes, but I am no pation, Sir, nor want no physicion, good Dr. Ragou. Greg. Begar, you must be put a to bed, and take a de peel; me sal give you de little peel dat sal cure you, as you have more distempre den were hered off. Greg. Go then, disguise yourself immediately; Enter JAMES and DAVY. Jam. [Speaking to DAVY.] Fear not, if he relapse into his humours, I'll quickly thrash him into the physician again. Doctor, I have brought you a patient. Dor. What's the matter with the fool? If you feel my pulse any more, I shall feel your ears for you. Greg. Begar, you must takea de peel. Greg. I'll take this opportunity to try her. [Aside.]-Maye dear, if you will not letta me cura you, you sal cura me, you sal be my physi Davy. My poor wife, doctor, has kept her bed [Holds out a purse. Davy. Why, she has had several physicians; Dor. Ay, my stomach does not go against those Greg. Ay, ay, what does she complain of? Greg. Come, to the purpose; speak to the pur- VOL. I....4 U Greg. Oh begar! me vill show you, me vill teacha you what you sal doe; you must come kissa me now, you must come kissa me. Dor. [Kisses him.] As I live, my very hangdog! I've discovered him in good time, or he had discovered me. [Aside.]—Well, doctor, and are you cured now? Greg. I shall make myself a cuckold presently. [Aside.]-Dis is not a propre place, dis too publique, for sud any one pass by while I taka dis physique, it vill preventa de opperation. Dor. What physic, doctor? Greg. In your ear, dat. [Whispers. Dor. And in in your ear, dat, sirrah, [Hitting |