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Enter Egerton, Constanti, Lady MacSyco- duns, debts, or daughter; only let me be at my PHANT, and SIDNEY.


and rat me if I care one pinch of snuff if her Eger. Sir, I promised to satisfy your fears ladyship concorporates with the cham of Tartary. concerning your daughter's virtue; and my best

(Exit LORD LUMBERCOURT. proof to you and all the world, that I think her Sir P. Ass to ye, my Lady Macsycophant, I not only chaste, but the most deserving of her sex, suppose ye concluded, before ye gave your consent is, that I have made her the partner of my heart

, till this match, that there would be an end of and the tender guardian of my earthly happiness every thing betwixt ye and me; ye shall ha’e for life!

a jointure, but not a bawbee besides, living » Sir P. Hoow married !

dead, shall ye, or any of your issue, ever see of Eger. I know, Sir, at present we shall meet mine; so, Madam, live wi' yeer Constantia, wi’ your anger- but time, reflection, and our dutiful yeer son, and wi' that—that damned black sheep conduct, we hope, will reconcile you to our hap there.

[Erit SIR PERTINAX. piness.

Lady R. Weel, cousin Egerton, in spite o' the Sir P. Naver, naver; and could I make ye, ambeetious frenzy o' your father, and the thoughther, and aw your issue, beggars, I would move less deesipation o' mine, don Cupid has at last hell, heaven, and earth till effect it.

carried his point in favour o' his devotees; but I Lord L. Why, Sir Pertinax, this is a total mun noow take my leave with the fag-end of an revolution, and will entirely ruin my affairs. auld north country wish, brought fra the hospita

Sir P. My lord, wi' the consent of your lord- ble land of fair Strathbogie; may mutual love and ship and Lady Rodolpha, I ha’e an expedient till gude humour ever be the guest of your hearts, the offer, that wull not ainly punish that rebellious theme of your tongues, and the blighsome phanvillain, but answer every end that your lordship tom of aw your tricksy dreams through the and Lady Rodolpha proposed by the intended rugged road of this crooked, deceitful world ; and match wi' him.

may our fathers be an example to oorsels, that Lord L. I doubt it much, Sir Pertinax: I will remind us to treat oor bairns, should heaven doubt it much: but what is it, Sir ? what is your croon our endeavours, wi' inore lebeerality and expedient?

affection, than that with which oor fathers have Sir P. My lord, I ha'e another son, my son treated us!

(Erit LADY RODOLPHA. Sandy, he is a gude lad; and provided the leady Eger. You seem melancholy, Sir. and your lordship ha'e nae objection till him, every Mel. These precarious turns of fortune, Sir, article of that rebel's intended marriage shall be will press upon the heart: for not witstanding my amply fulfilled, upon Lady Rodolpha's union with Constantia's happiness, and mine in hers, I own my younger son, Sandy.

I cannot help feeling some regret, that my misLord L. Why, that is an expedient, indeed, fortunes should be cause of any disagreement Sir Pertinax; but what say you, Rodolpha ?

between a father and the man to whom I am Lady R. Nay, nay, my lord, ass had nae under the most endearing obligations. reason till ha'e the least affection till my cousin Eger. You, Sir, have no share in his disaEgerton, and ass my intended marriage wi' him greement; for had not you been born, from my was entirely an act of obedience till my grandfather's nature, some other cause of his resentmother, provided my cousin Sandy wúll be as ment must have happened ; and angry vicissitudes agreeable till her ladyship, ass my cousin Charles have taken their leave of us all: if affluence can here would ha’e been—I have nae the least ob- procure content and ease, they are within our jection till the change; ay, ay, upon honour yane reach. My fortune is ample, and shall be dedi brother is ass gude till Rodolpha ass another. cated to the happiness of this domestic circle.

Sir P. I'll answer, Madam, for your grand- My scheme, though mock'd by knave, coquette, mother; noow, my lord, what say you?

and fool, Lord L. Nay, Sir Pertinax, so the agreement To thinking minds must prove this golden rule : stands, all is right again; come, child, let us be in all pursuits—but chiefly in a wife, gone. Look ye, Sir Pertinax, let me have no Not wealth, but morals, make the happy life. more perplexity or trouble about writings, lawyers,







This is an ingenious satire on a pernicious folly prevalent among many young people, who, without the requi. site talent, lose their time and reputation in attempts on the works of authors, who would be unable, in such hands, to recognise their own offspring. It was first performed in 1756, at Drury Lane, and has induced a great reform; though many stage-struck heroes still "leave their calling for this idle trade.” The performance of Dick, by Mr. John Bannister, and his admirable recitation of the prologue, were fortunate instances of that gen. tleman's comic versatility.

The marginal references to the numerous quotations, in the character of Dick, from other dramatic writers, interfere so unpleasantly with the text, that they are omitted in the modern editions; they, however, considerably heighten the effect of the piece, and are easily traced by readers at all conversant with the drama.

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From real life our little cloth is fin'd.

The hero is a youth,—by Fate design'd

For culling simples,—but whose stage-struck mind Spoken by MR. BANNISTER.

Nor Fate could rule, nor his indentures bind. PROLOGUES precede the piece-in mournful verse; A place there is where such young Quixotes As undertakers walk hefore a hearse;

meet; Whose doleful march may strike the harden'a 'Tis call’d the SPOUTING CLUB,—a glorious mind,

treat, And wake its feelings for the dead-behind. Where 'prentic'd kings-alarm the gaping street: To-night, no smuggled scenes from France we There Brutus starts and stares by midnight taper,

Who, all the day, enacts—a woollen-draper. 'Tis English English, Sirs !—from top to toe. There Hanılet's ghost stalks forth with doubled Though coarse the colours and the hand un

fist, skill'd,

Cries out with hollow voice,-"List, list, O listi"


Let me

And tightens Denmark's prince, a young tobac- send for him for a sly, slow, hesitating blockconist.

head! he'll only plague me with his physical cant The -pirit, too, cleared from his deadly white, and his nonsense. Why dont you go, you booby, Rise, -a haberdasher to the sight!

when I bid you? Not young attornies—have this rage withstood, Sim. Yes, Sir.

[Erit But change their pens for truncheons, ink for Win. This fellow will be the death of me a. blood,

last! I have been turmoiling for him all the days And (-trange reverse !) die for their country's of my life, and now the scoundrel's run away. good.

Suppose I advertise the dog ?-Ay, but if the vilTo check these heroes, and their laurels crop, lain should deceive me, and happen to be dead, To bring 'em back to reason—and their shop, why then he tricks me out of six shillings--my Our author wrote;- you, Tom, Jack, Dick, money's flung into the fire.-Zookers, I'll not Will!

put myself in a passion ; let him follow his noseWho hold the balance, or who gild the pill ! 'tis nothing at at all to me—what care 1 ? Who wield the yard, and simpering pay your

Re-enter Simon. court, And, at each flourish, snip an inch too short ! What do you come back for, friend? Quit not your shops; there thrift and prost call, Sim. As I was going out, Sir, the post came Whilst here, y ung gentlemen are apt to fall! to the door, and brought this letter.

(Bell rings.

Win. Let me see it. The gipsies have got But soft !—the prompter calls !—brief 'let me be hold of him, ha, ha! What a pretty fellow Here groans you'll hear, and flying apples see, you are ! ha, ha!- Why don't you step where I Be damn'd pes Laps; farewell remember me ! bid you, Sirrah?

Sim. Yes, Sir.

[Erit. Win. Well, well, I'm resolved, and it shall be

so-I'll advertise him to-morrow morning, and ACT I.

promise, if he comes home, all shall be forgiven,

and when the blockhead comes, I may do as I SCENE I.

please, ha, ha! I may do as I please.

see—he had on-slidikins, what signifies what Enter WINGATE and Simon.

he had on? I'll read my letter, and think no

more about him, —-Hey! what a plague have Win. Nay, nay, but I tell you I am convinced we here? (Mutters to himself.] Bristol-9-I know it is so; and so, friend, don't you think what's all this? to trifle with me; I know you're in the plot, you scoundrel; and if you don't discover all, I'll —

[Reads.] “ Esteemed friend,-Last was twenSim. Dear heart, Sir, you won't give a body tieth ultimo, since none of thine, which will occatime.

sion brevity. The reason of my writing to thee Win. Zookers ! a whole month missing, and no

at present, is to inform thee that thy son came account of him far or near !—Sirrah, 1 say he to our place with a company of strollers, who could not be 'prentice to your master so long, and were taken up by the magistrate, and committed

– Zookers! I'm glad of you live so long in one house, with him, without as vagabonds to jail.

-" 1 knowing his haunts and all his ways—and then, it—a villain of a fellow ! let him lie there. varlet, what brings you here to my house so often am sorry thy lad should follow such profane Sim. My master Gargle and †, Sir, are so un

courses ; but out of the esteem I bear unto thee, easy about un, that I have been running all over

I have taken thy boy out of confinement, and sent the town since morning to inquire for un ; and so him off for your city in the waggon, which left ini

this four days ago. He is consigned to thy admy way I thought I might as well call here.

Win. Å villain, to give his father all this dress, being the needful from thy friend and trouble. And so you have not heard any thing servant,

“ EBENEZER BROADBRIM." of him, friend?

Sim. Not a word, Sir, as I hope for marcy, Wounds! wnat did he take the fellow out for? though, as sure as you are there, I believe I can A scoundrel, rascal! turned stage-player !—I'll guess what's come on un. As sure as any thing, never see the villain's face. Who comes there? master, the gipsies have gotten hold on un; and we shall have un come home as thin as a jake,

Re-enter Simon. like the young girl in the city, with living upon Sim. I met my master over the way, Sir. nothing but crusts and water for six-and-twenty Our cares are over. Here is Mr. Gargle, Sir. days.

Win. Let him come in—and do you go down Win. The gipsies have got hold of him, ye stairs, you block head.

(Exit Simon. blockhead! Get out of the roomSimon !

Enter GARGLE. Sim. Sir.

So, friend Gargle, here's a fine piece of workWin. Where are you going in such a hurry? Dick's turned vagabond ! Let me see; what must be done? A ridiculous

Gar. He must be put under a proper regimen numskull, with his damned Cassanders and Clop- directly, Sir.—He arrived at my house within these patras, and trumpery; with his romances, and his ten minutes, but in such a trim! He's now below Odyssey Popes, and a parcel of rascals not worth stairs: I judged it proper to leave him there will I a groat! Zookers! I'll not put myself in a pas- had prepared you for his reception. sion. Simon, do you step back to your master, Win. Death and fire ! what could put it into my friend Gargle, and tell him I want to spenk the villain's head to turn buffoon ? with him—though I don't know what I should

Gar. Nothing so easily accounted for: why

Here you,


when he ought to be reading the Dispensatory, I player ! wounds ! you'll not have an eye in your there was he constantly reading over plays, and head in a month; ha, ha! you'll have 'em knocked farces, and Shakspeare.

out of the sockets with withered applesWin. Ay, that damned Shakspeare! I hear the member, I tell you so. fellow was nothing but a deer-stealer in War Dick.' A critic too! (Whistles.] Well done old wickshire! I never read Shakspeare. Wounds! Squaretoes. I caught the rascal myself reading that nonsensi Win. Look ye, young man, take notice of cal play of Hamlet, where the prince is keeping what I say : I made my own fortune, and I could company with strollers and vagabonds. A fine do the same again. Wounds ! if I'were placed example, Mr. Gargle.

at the bottom of Chancery-lane, with a brush and Gar. His disorder is of the malignant kind, and black-ball

, I'd make my own fortune again. You my daughter has taken the infection from him. read Shakspeare! get Cocker's Arithmetic; you Bless my heart !she was as innocent as water- may buy it for a shilling on any stall—best book gruel, till he spoiled her. I found her the other that ever was wrote. night in the very fact.

Dick. Pretty well, that; ingenious, faith ! 'Egad, Win. Zookers ! you don't say so ? caught her the old fellow has a pretty notion of letters. in the fact.

{Aside. Gar. Ay, in the very fact of reading a play Win. Can you tell how much is five-eighths of book in bed.

three-sixteenths of a pound? Five-eighths of threeWin. Oh, is that the fact you mean ? Is that sixteenths of a pound. Ay, ay, I see you're a all ? though that's bad enough.

blockhead. Look ye, young man, if you have a Gar. But I have done for my young madam; mind to thrive in this world, study figures, and I have confined her to her room, and locked up make yourself useful—make yourself useful. all her books.

Dick. How weary, stale, fat, and unprofitable Win. Look ye, friend Gargle, I'll never see seem to me all the uses of this world!

(Aside. the villain's face. Let him follow his nose and Win. Mind the scoundrel now. bite the bridle.

Gar. Do, Mr. Wingate, let me speak to him Gar. Sir, I have found out that he went three —softly, softly—I'll touch him gently.—Come, times a week to a spouting club.

come, young man, lay aside this sulky humour, Win. A spouting club, friend Gargle! what's and speak as becomes a son. a spouting club?

Dick. 0, Jephtha, judge of Israel, what a treaGar. A meeting of 'prentices, and clerks, and sure hadst thou ! giddy young men, intoxicated with plays; and so Win. What does the fellow say? they meet in public houses, to act speeches; there Gar. He relents, Sir. Come, come, young they all neglect business, despise the advice of man, he'll forgive. their friends, and think of nothing but to become Dick. They fool me to the top of my bent. actors.

'Gad, I'll hum 'em, to get rid of 'em-a truant Win. You don't say so? a spouting club! disposition, good my lord. No, no, stay, that's not wounds, I believe they are all mad.

right—I have a better speech. (Aside.] It is as Gar. Ay, mad indeed, Sir: madness is occa- you say—when we are sober, and reflect but ever sioned in a very extraordinary manner; the spirits so little on our follies, we are ashamed and sorry : fuwing in particular channels

and yet, the very next minute, we rush again inWin. 'Sdeath, you are as mad yourself as any to the very same absurdities. of them.

Win. Well said, lad, well said—Mind me, Gar. And continuing to run in the same friend; commanding our own passions, and artducts

fully taking advantage of other people's, is the Win. Ducks! damn your ducks! Who's be sure road to wealth. Death and fire !—but I low there? Tell that fellow to come up.

won't put myself in a passion. 'Tis my regard Gar. Dear Sir, be a little cool-inflammatories for you makes me speak; and if I tell you you're may be dangerous.—Do pray, Sir, moderate your a scoundrel, 'tis for your good. passions.

Dick. Without doubt, Sir. [Stifling a laugh. Win. Prythee be quiet, man; I'll try what I Win. If you want any thing, you shall be procan do. Here he comes.

vided. Have you any money in your pocket ?

Ha! ha! what a ridiculous numskull you are Enter Dick.

now! ha! ha! Come, here 's some money for you. Dick. Now my good father, what's the matter ? [Pulls out his money and looks at it.] I'll give it

Win. So, friend, you have been upon your to you another time; and so you'll mind what I travels, have you ? you have had your frolic? say to you, and make yourself useful for the future. Look ye, young man, I'll not put myself in a pas Dick. Else, wherefore breathe I in a Chrission. But, death and fire, you scoundrel, what tian land ? right have you to plague me in this manner ? do Win. Zookers ! you blockhead, you'd better you think I must fall in love with your face, be- stick to your business, than turn buffoon, and get cause I am your father ?

truncheons broke upon your arm, and be tumbling Dick. A Kttle more than kin, and less than upon carpets. kind.

(Aside. Dick. I shall in all my best obey you, daddy. Win. Ha, ha! what a pretty figure you cut Win. Very well, friend—very well said-you now! Ha, ha! why don't you speak, you block- may do very well if you please ; and so I'll say no head? have you nothing to say for yourself ? more to you, but make yourself useful; and so Dick, Nothing to say for yourself

. What an now go and clean yourself, and make ready to go old prig it is.

(Aside. home to your business—and mind me, young man, Win. Mind me, friend, I have found you out; let me see no more play-books, and let me never I see you'll never come to good. Turn stage- / find that you wear a laced waistcoat—you scoun.

drel, what right have you to wear a laced waist - Sim. Blessings on him! what is he about now? coat ?-I never wore a laced waistcoat !--never Why, the door is locked, master. wore one till I was forty.—But I'll not put myself Dick. Ay, but I can easily force the lock--Fou in a passion-go and change your dress, friend. shall see me do it as well as any Sir John Brute of Dick. I shall, Sir

'em all—this right leg — I must be cruel, only to be kind;

Sim. Lord love you, master, that's not your Thus bad begins, but worse remains behind. right leg. Cocker's Arithmetic, Sir ?

Dick. Pho! you fool, don't you know I'm drunk ? Win. Ay, Cocker's Arithmetic—study figures, this right leg here is the best lock-smith in Engand they'll carry you through the world. land; so, so. (Forces the door, and goes in.

Dick. Yes, Sir. (Stifling a laugh.] Cocker's Sim. He's at his plays again; odds my heart, Arithmetic!

[Erit. he's a rare hand, he'll go through with it I'll warWin. Let him mind me, friend Gargle, and I'll rant him. Old Codger must not smoke that! make a man of him.

have any concern-I must be main cautious. Lord Gar. Ay, Sir, you know the world.— The young bless his heart, he's to teach me to act Scrub. man will do very well—I wish he were out of his He begun with me long ago, and I got as far as time; he shall then have my daughter.

the Jesuit before a went out of town :-Scrub Win. Yes, but I'll touch the cash-he shan't coming, Sir-Lord, ma'am, I've a whole packet finger it during my life.--I must keep a tight full of news; some say one thing, and some say hand over him-{Goes to the door.) Do ye hear, another ; but, for my part ma'am, I believe he's a friend ?- Mind what I say, and go home to your Jesuit—that's main pleasant-I believe be's a Jebusiness immediately.-Friend Gargle, I'll make suit. a man of him.

Re-enter DICK.
Re-enter Dick.

Dick. I have done the deed ;-didst thou not Dick. Who called on Achmet! Did not Bar hear a noise ? barossa require me here ?

Sim. No, master; we're all snug. Win. What's the matter now ?-Barossa!

Dick. This coat will do charmingly; I have Wounds !- What's Barossa ?-Does the fellow bilked the old fellow nicely. In a dark corner of call me names ?- What makes the blockhead his cabinet, I found this paper; what it is the stand in such confusion ?

light will show.-(Reads.] I promise to pay,'Dick. That Barbarossa should suspect my Ha!

- I promise to pay to Mr. Moneytrap, or truth!

order, on demand Tis his hand-a note of Win. The fellow's stark, staring mad-get out his yet more - the sum of seven pounds, of the room, you villain, get out of the room.

fourteen shillings, and seven pence, value received (Dick stands in a sullen mood. by me-London, this 15th June, 1775.'Gar. Comne, come, young man, every thing is "T'is wanting what should follow; his name shall easy ; don't spoil all again--go and change your follow, but 'tis torn off, because the note is paid. dress, and coine home to your business. Nay,

Sim. O, lud ! dear Sir, you'll spoil all. I wish nay, be ruled by me.

[Thrusts him off: we were well out of the house. Our best way, masWin. I'm very peremptory, friend Gargle; if ter, is to make off directly. he vexes me once more, I'll have nothing to say Dick. I will, I will; but first help me on with to him. Well, but now I think of it. I have Cock- this coat. -Simon, you shall be my dresser ; er's Arithmetic below stairs in the counting-house you'll be fine and happy behind the scenes. -I'll step and get it for him, and so he shall take

Sim. O, lud! it will be main pleasant; I have it home with him. Friend Gargle, your servant. been behind the screens in the country.

Gar. Mr. Wingate, a good evening to you. Dick. Have you, where ? You 'll send him home to his business?

Sim. Why, when I lived with the man that Win. He shall follow you home directly. Five- showed wild beastices. eighths of three-sixteenths of a pound !-multiply Dick. Hark ye, Simon, when I am playing the numerator by the denominator ! five times some deep tragedy, and cleave the general ear with sixteen is ten times eight, ten times eight is eighty, horrid speech, you must take out your white and—a--a-carry one.

[Erit. pocket handkerchief and cry bitterly. Re-enter Dick and Simon.

( Teaches him.

Sim. But I haven't got a white pucket handSim. Lord love ye, master-I'm so glad you're kerchief. come back-come, we had as good e'en gang home Dick. Then I'll lend you mine. to my master Gargle's.

(Pulls out a ragged one. Dick. No, no, Simon, stay a moment—this is Sim. Thank Sir. but a scurvy coat I have on, and I know my father Dick. And when I am playing comedy, you has always some jemmy thing locked up in his must be ready to laugh your guts out, (Teaches closet-ľknow his ways-he takes 'em in pawn; him.) for I shall be very pleasant - Toll-de-roll. for he'll never part with a shilling without security.

Dances. Sim. Hush! he'll hear us-stay, I believe he's Sim. Never doubt me, Sir. coming up stairs.

Dick. Very well; now run down and open the Dick. (Goes to the door, and listens.] No, no, street door ; i'll follow you in a crack. no, he's going down, growling and grumbling-ay, Sim. I'm gone to serve you, master. say ye so?- Scoundrel, rascal let him bite the Dick. To serve thyself—for, look ye, Simon, bridle. --Six times twelve is seventy two.'-All's when I am manager, claim thou of me the care of safe, man; never fear him. Do you stand here the wardrobe, with all those moveables, whereof I shall despatch this business in a crack. the property-man now stands possessed.


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