Enter EGERTON, CONSTANTIA, LADY MACSYCO- | duns, debts, or daughter; only let me be at my PHANT, and SIDNEY. Eger. Sir, I promised to satisfy your fears concerning your daughter's virtue; and my best proof to you and all the world, that I think her not only chaste, but the most deserving of her sex, is, that I have made her the partner of my heart, and the tender guardian of my earthly happiness for life! Sir P. Hoow married! Eger. I know, Sir, at present we shall meet your anger--but time, reflection, and our dutiful conduct, we hope, will reconcile you to our happiness. Sir P. Naver, naver; and could I make ye, her, and aw your issue, beggars-I would move hell, heaven, and earth till effect it. Lord L. Why, Sir Pertinax, this is a total revolution, and will entirely ruin my affairs. ease, and rat me if I care one pinch of snuff if her ladyship concorporates with the cham of Tartary. [Exit LORD LUMBERCOURT. Sir P. Ass to ye, my Lady Macsycophant, 1 suppose ye concluded, before ye gave your consent till this match, that there would be an end of every thing betwixt ye and me; ye shall ha'e a jointure, but not a bawbee besides, living or dead, shall ye, or any of your issue, ever see of mine; so, Madam, live wi' yeer Constantia, wi' yeer son, and wi' that-that damned black sheep there. [Exit SIR PERTINAX Lady R. Weel, cousin Egerton, in spite o' the ambeetious frenzy o' your father, and the thoughtless deesipation o' mine, don Cupid has at last carried his point in favour o' his devotees; but ] mun noow take my leave with the fag-end of an auld north country wish, brought fra the hospita Sir P. My lord, wi' the consent of your lord-ble ship and Lady Rodolpha, I ha'e an expedient till offer, that will not ainly punish that rebellious villain, but answer every end that your lordship and Lady Rodolpha proposed by the intended match wi' him. Lord L. I doubt it much, Sir Pertinax: I doubt it much: but what is it, Sir? what is your expedient? Sir P. My lord, I ha'e another son, my son Sandy, he is a gude lad; and provided the leady and your lordship ha'e nae objection till him, every article of that rebel's intended marriage shall be amply fulfilled, upon Lady Rodolpha's union with my younger son, Sandy. Lord L. Why, that is an expedient, indeed, Sir Pertinax; but what say you, Rodolpha? Lady R. Nay, nay, my lord, ass I had nae reason till ha'e the least affection till my cousin Egerton, and ass my intended marriage wi' him was entirely an act of obedience till my grandmother, provided my cousin Sandy wull be as agreeable till her ladyship, ass my cousin Charles here would ha'e been-I have nae the least objection till the change; ay, ay, upon honour yane brother is ass gude till Rodolpha ass another. Sir P. I'll answer, Madam, for your grandmother; noow, my lord, what say you? Lord L. Nay, Sir Pertinax, so the agreement stands, all is right again; come, child, let us be gone. Look ye, Sir Pertinax, let me have no more perplexity or trouble about writings, lawyers, land of fair Strathbogie; may mutual love and gude humour ever be the guest of your hearts, the theme of your tongues, and the blighsome phantom of aw your tricksy dreams through the rugged road of this crooked, deceitful world; and may our fathers be an example to oorsels, that will remind us to treat oor bairns, should heaven croon our endeavours, wi' more lebeerality and affection, than that with which oor fathers have treated us! [Exit LADY RODOLPHA. Eger. You seem melancholy, Sir. Mel. These precarious turns of fortune, Sir, will press upon the heart: for notwitstanding my Constantia's happiness, and mine in hers, I own I cannot help feeling some regret, that my misfortunes should be cause of any disagreement between a father and the man to whom I am under the most endearing obligations. Eger. You, Sir, have no share in his disagreement; for had not you been born, from my father's nature, some other cause of his resentment must have happened; and angry vicissitudes have taken their leave of us all: if affluence can procure content and ease, they are within our cated to the happiness of this domestic circle. reach. My fortune is ample, and shall be dediMy scheme, though mock'd by knave, coquette, and fool, To thinking minds must prove this golden rule: [Exeunt, THE APPRENTICE: A FARCE, IN TWO ACTS. BY ARTHUR MURPHY. REMARKS. THIS is an ingenious satire on a pernicious folly prevalent among many young people, who, without the requi site talent, lose their time and reputation in attempts on the works of authors, who would be unable, in such hands, to recognise their own offspring. It was first performed in 1756, at Drury Lane, and has induced a great reform; though many stage-struck heroes still "leave their calling for this idle trade." The performance of Dick, by Mr. John Bannister, and his admirable recitation of the prologue, were fortunate instances of that gentleman's comic versatility. The marginal references to the numerous quotations, in the character of Dick, from other dramatic writers, interfere so unpleasantly with the text, that they are omitted in the modern editions; they, however, considerably heighten the effect of the piece, and are easily traced by readers at all conversant with the drama. From real life our little cloth is fill'd. 'Tis call'd the SPOUTING CLUB, a glorious Where 'prentic'd kings-alarm the gaping street: Cries out with hollow voice,-" List, list, O list!" And rightens Denmark's prince, a young tobac conist. The pirit, too, cleared from his deadly white, And (trange reverse!) die for their country's To check these heroes, and their laurels crop, Will! Who hold the balance, or who gild the pill! And, at each flourish, snip an inch too short! send for him for a sly, slow, hesitating block- What do you come back for, friend? Sim. As I was going out, Sir, the post came to the door, and brought this letter. Win. Let me see it. The gipsies have got But soft!-the prompter calls !-brief let me behold of him, ha, ha! What a pretty fellow Here groans you'll hear, and flying apples see, you are! ha, ha!-Why don't you step where I Be damn'd pes aps; farewell!-remember me! bid you, Sirrah? ACT I. Enter WINGATE and SIMON. Win. Nay, nay, but I tell you I am convinced -I know it is so; and so, friend, don't you think to trifle with me; I know you're in the plot, you scoundrel; and if you don't discover all, I'llSim. Dear heart, Sir, you won't give a body time. Win. Zookers! a whole month missing, and no account of him far or near!-Sirrah, I say he could not be 'prentice to your master so long, and you live so long in one house, with him, without knowing his haunts and all his ways-and then, varlet, what brings you here to my house so often? Sim. My master Gargle and I, Sir, are so uneasy about un, that I have been running all over the town since morning to inquire for un; and so in my way I thought I might as well call here. Win. A villain, to give his father all this trouble. And so you have not heard any thing of him, friend? Sim. Not a word, Sir, as I hope for marcy, though, as sure as you are there, I believe I can guess what's come on un. As sure as any thing, master, the gipsies have gotten hold on un; and we shall have un come home as thin as a take. like the young girl in the city, with living upon nothing but crusts and water for six-and-twenty days. Win. The gipsies have got hold of him, ye Sim. Sir. Win. Where are you going in such a hurry? Let me see; what must be done? A ridiculous numskull, with his damned Cassanders and Cloppatras, and trumpery; with his romances, and his Odyssey Popes, and a parcel of rascals not worth a groat! Zookers! I'll not put myself in a passion. Simon, do you step back to your master, my friend Gargle, and tell him I want to speak with him-though I don't know what I should Sim. Yes, Sir. [Erit. Win. Well, well, I'm resolved, and it shall be o-I'll advertise him to-morrow morning, and promise, if he comes home, all shall be forgiven, and when the blockhead comes, I may do as I please, ha, ha! I may do as I please. Let me see-he had on-slidikins, what signifies what he had on? I'll read my letter, and think no more about him,-Hey! what a plague have we here? [Mutters to himself.] Bristol-awhat's all this? I [Reads.]" Esteemed friend,-Last was twentieth ultimo, since none of thine, which will occasion brevity. The reason of my writing to thee at present, is to inform thee that thy son came to our place with a company of strollers, who were taken up by the magistrate, and committed as vagabonds to jail.”- -Zookers! I'm glad of it-a villain of a fellow! let him lie there. am sorry thy lad should follow such profane courses; but out of the esteem I bear unto thee, him off for your city in the waggon, which left I have taken thy boy out of confinement, and sent this four days ago. He is consigned to thy address, being the needful from thy friend and servant, "EBENEZER BROADBRIM." Wounds! wnat did he take the fellow out for? Sim. I met my master over the way, Sir. Enter GARGLE. Gar. He must be put under a proper regimen directly, Sir.-He arrived at my house within these ten minutes, but in such a trim! He's now below stairs: I judged it proper to leave him there till I had prepared you for his reception. Win. Death and fire! what could put it into the villain's head to turn buffoon? Gar. Nothing so easily accounted for: why when he ought to be reading the Dispensatory, there was he constantly reading over plays, and farces, and Shakspeare. Win. Ay, that damned Shakspeare! I hear the fellow was nothing but a deer-stealer in Warwickshire! I never read Shakspeare. Wounds! I caught the rascal myself reading that nonsensical play of Hamlet, where the prince is keeping company with strollers and vagabonds. A fine example, Mr. Gargle. Gar. His disorder is of the malignant kind, and my daughter has taken the infection from him. Bless my heart!-she was as innocent as watergruel, till he spoiled her. I found her the other night in the very fact. Win. Zookers! you don't say so? caught her in the fact. Gar. Ay, in the very fact of reading a playbook in bed. Win. Oh, is that the fact you mean? Is that all? though that's bad enough. Gar. But I have done for my young madam; I have confined her to her room, and locked up all her books. Win. Look ye, friend Gargle, I'll never see the villain's face. Let him follow his nose and bite the bridle. player! wounds! you'll not have an eye in your head in a month; ha, ha! you'll have 'em knocked out of the sockets with withered apples-remember, I tell you so. Dick. A critic too! [Whistles.] Well done old Squaretoes. Win. Look ye, young man, take notice of what I say: I made my own fortune, and I could do the same again. Wounds! if I were placed at the bottom of Chancery-lane, with a brush and black-ball, I'd make my own fortune again. You read Shakspeare! get Cocker's Arithmetic; you may buy it for a shilling on any stall-best book that ever was wrote. Dick. Pretty well, that; ingenious, faith! 'Egad, the old fellow has a pretty notion of letters. [Aside. Win. Can you tell how much is five-eighths of three-sixteenths of a pound? Five-eighths of threesixteenths of a pound. Ay, ay, I see you're a blockhead. Look ye, young man, if you have a mind to thrive in this world, study figures, and make yourself useful-make yourself useful. Dick. How weary, stale, flat, and unprofitable seem to me all the uses of this world! [Aside. Win. Mind the scoundrel now. Gar. Do, Mr. Wingate, let me speak to him Gar. Sir, I have found out that he went three-softly, softly-I'll touch him gently.-Come, times a week to a spouting club. Win. A spouting club, friend Gargle! what's a spouting club? Gar. A meeting of 'prentices, and clerks, and giddy young men, intoxicated with plays; and so they meet in public houses, to act speeches; there they all neglect business, despise the advice of their friends, and think of nothing but to become actors. Win. You don't say so? a spouting club! wounds, I believe they are all mad. Gar. Ay, mad indeed, Sir: madness is occasioned in a very extraordinary manner; the spirits flowing in particular channels Win. 'Sdeath, you are as mad yourself as any of them. Gar. And continuing to run in the same ducts Win. Ducks! damn your ducks! Who's below there? Tell that fellow to come up. Gar. Dear Sir, be a little cool-inflammatories may be dangerous.-Do pray, Sir, moderate your passions. Win. Pr'ythee be quiet, man; I'll try what I can do. Here he comes. Enter DICK. Dick. Now my good father, what's the matter? Win. So, friend, you have been upon your travels, have you? you have had your frolic? Look ye, young man, I'll not put myself in a passion. But, death and fire, you scoundrel, what right have you to plague me in this manner? do you think I must fall in love with your face, because I am your father? Dick. A little more than kin, and less than kind. [Aside. Win. Ha, ha! what a pretty figure you cut now! Ha, ha! why don't you speak, you blockhead? have you nothing to say for yourself? Dick, Nothing to say for yourself. What an old prig it is. [Aside. Win. Mind me, friend, I have found you out; I see you'll never come to good. Turn stage come, young man, lay aside this sulky humour, and speak as becomes a son. Dick. O, Jephtha, judge of Israel, what a treasure hadst thou! Win. What does the fellow say? Gar. He relents, Sir. Come, come, young man, he'll forgive. Dick. They fool me to the top of my bent. 'Gad, I'll hum 'em, to get rid of 'em-a truant disposition, good my lord. No, no, stay, that's not right-I have a better speech. [Aside.] It is as you say when we are sober, and reflect but ever so little on our follies, we are ashamed and sorry: and yet, the very next minute, we rush again into the very same absurdities. Win. Well said, lad, well said-Mind me, friend; commanding our own passions, and artfully taking advantage of other people's, is the sure road to wealth. Death and fire!-but I won't put myself in a passion. 'Tis my regard for you makes me speak; and if I tell you you're a scoundrel, 'tis for your good. Dick. Without doubt, Sir. [Stifling a laugh. Win. If you want any thing, you shall be provided. Have you any money in your pocket? Ha ha! what a ridiculous numskull you are now! ha ha! Come, here's some money for you. [Pulls out his money and looks at it.] I'll give it to you another time; and so you'll mind what I say to you, and make yourself useful for the future. Dick. Else, wherefore breathe 1 in a Christian land? Win. Zookers! you blockhead, you'd better stick to your business, than turn buffoon, and get truncheons broke upon your arm, and be tumbling upon carpets. Dick. I shall in all my best obey you, daddy. Win. Very well, friend-very well said-you may do very well if you please; and so I'll say no Imore to you, but make yourself useful; and so now go and clean yourself, and make ready to go home to your business-and mind me, young man, let me see no more play-books, and let me never find that you wear a laced waistcoat-you scoun drel, what right have you to wear a laced waistcoat-I never wore a laced waistcoat!-never wore one till I was forty.-But I'll not put myself in a passion-go and change your dress, friend. Dick. I shall, Sir——— I must be cruel, only to be kind; Thus bad begins, but worse remains behind. Cocker's Arithmetic, Sir? Win. Ay, Cocker's Arithmetic-study figures, and they'll carry you through the world. Dick. Yes, Sir. [Stifling a laugh.] Cocker's Arithmetic! [Exit. Win. Let him mind me, friend Gargle, and I'll make a man of him. Gar. Ay, Sir, you know the world.-The young man will do very well-I wish he were out of his time; he shall then have my daughter. Win. Yes, but I'll touch the cash-he shan't finger it during my life.-I must keep a tight hand over him-[Goes to the door.]-Do ye hear, friend?-Mind what I say, and go home to your business immediately.-Friend Gargle, I'll make a man of him. Re-enter DICK. Sim. Blessings on him! what is he about now? Why, the door is locked, master. Dick. Ay, but I can easily force the lock-you shall see me do it as well as any Sir John Brute of 'em all-this right leg———— Sim. Lord love you, master, that's not your right leg. Dick. Pho! you fool, don't you know I'm drunk? this right leg here is the best lock-smith in England; so, so. [Forces the door, and goes in. Sim. He's at his plays again; odds my heart, he's a rare hand, he'll go through with it I'll warrant him. Old Codger must not smoke that I have any concern-I must be main cautious. Lord bless his heart, he's to teach me to act Scrub. He begun with me long ago, and I got as far as the Jesuit before a went out of town:-Scrubcoming, Sir-Lord, ma'am, I've a whole packet full of news; some say one thing, and some say another; but, for my part ma'am, I believe he's a Jesuit-that's main pleasant-I believe he's a Jesuit. Re-enter DICK. Dick. I have done the deed;-didst thou not Dick. Who called on Achmet! Did not Bar hear a noise? barossa require me here? Win. What's the matter now ?-Barossa!— Wounds!-What's Barossa?-Does the fellow call me names?-What makes the blockhead stand in such confusion? Dick. That Barbarossa should suspect my truth! Sim. No, master; we're all snug. Dick. This coat will do charmingly; I have bilked the old fellow nicely. In a dark corner of his cabinet, I found this paper; what it is the light will show. [Reads.] I promise to pay,'Ha!- I promise to pay to Mr. Moneytrap, or order, on demand'- 'Tis his hand-a note of his-yet more- -the sum of seven pounds, fourteen shillings, and seven pence, value received by me-London, this 15th June, 1775.'"Tis wanting what should follow; his name shall follow, but 'tis torn off, because the note is paid. Win. The fellow's stark, staring mad-get out of the room, you villain, get out of the room. [DICK stands in a sullen mood. Gar. Come, come, young man, every thing is easy; don't spoil all again-go and change your dress, and come home to your business. Nay, nay, be ruled by me. [Thrusts him off Win. I'm very peremptory, friend Gargle; if he vexes me once more, I'll have nothing to say Dick. I will, I will; but first help me on with to him. Well, but now I think of it, I have Cock-this coat.. -Simon, you shall be my dresser; er's Arithmetic below stairs in the counting-house you'll be fine and happy behind the scenes. -I'll step and get it for him, and so he shall take it home with him. Friend Gargle, your servant. Gar. Mr. Wingate, a good evening to you. You'll send him home to his business? Sim. O, lud! dear Sir, you'll spoil all. I wish we were well out of the house. Our best way, master, is to make off directly. Win. He shall follow you home directly. Fiveeighths of three-sixteenths of a pound !-multiply the numerator by the denominator! five times sixteen is ten times eight, ten times eight is eighty, and-a-a-carry one. [Exit. Re-enter DICK and SIMON. Sim. Lord love ye, master-I'm so glad you're come back-come, we had as good e'en gang home to my master Gargle's. Dick. No, no, Simon, stay a moment-this is but a scurvy coat I have on, and I know my father has always some jemmy thing locked up in his closet-I know his ways-he takes 'em in pawn; for he'll never part with a shilling without security. Sim. Hush! he'll hear us-stay, I believe he's coming up stairs. Dick. [Goes to the door, and listens.] No, no, no, he's going down, growling and grumbling-ay, say ye so?-Scoundrel, rascal let him bite the bridle.-Six times twelve is seventy two.'-All's safe, man; never fear him. Do you stand hereI shall despatch this business in a crack. | Sim. O, lud! it will be main pleasant; I have been behind the screens in the country. Dick. Have you, where? Sim. Why, when I lived with the man that showed wild beastices. Dick. Hark ye, Simon, when I am playing some deep tragedy, and cleave the general ear with horrid speech, you must take out your white pocket handkerchief and cry bitterly. Teaches him. kerchief. Sim. Thank ye, Sir. Sim. Never doubt me, Sir. Dick. Very well; now run down and open the street door; I'll follow you in a crack. Sim. I'm gone to serve you, master. Dick. To serve thyself-for, look ye, Simon, when I am manager, claim thou of me the care o the wardrobe, with all those moveables, whereof the property-man now stands possessed. |