THE RIVALS:

A COMEDY,

IN FIVE ACTS.

BY R. B. SHERIDAN, Esq.

REMARKS.

This was the earliest theatrical production of Mr. Sheridan, and was first brought on the stage at Covent Gar den in the year 1775, when it was disliked by the audience, and of course laid aside.

On subsequent revival, at Covent Garden and at Drury Lane, the public were highly delighted with it; and it is still looked upon as an excellent specimen of pure and just Comedy, which the judges of theatrical composition had so long deplored the want of.

Comedy proposes for its object the exposure of the follies and slighter vices of mankind, so as to raise in the be holders a sense of their impropriety, and to expose them to censure and laughter: it endeavours to

"Catch the manners living as they rise;"

and, in the Rivals, its judicious author has given pictures taken from among ourselves: he has satirized the reigning vices; and exhibited to the age a faithful copy of itself, with its humours, its follies, its manners, and its extravagancies.

SCENE I-A Street at Bath.

teers, you look as hearty!-but who the deuce thought of seeing you in Bath?

Coach. Sure, master, Madam Julia, Harry, COACHMAN crosses the Stage-Enter FAG, look- Mrs. Kate, and the postillion, be all come.

ing after him.

Fag. What, Thomas! Sure, 'tis he!-What, Thomas, Thomas !

Coach. Hey odd 's life! Mr. Fag; give us your hand, my old fellow-servant!

Fag. Excuse my glove, Thomas; I'm devilish glad to see you, my lad! why, my prince of chario

Fag. Indeed!

Coach Ay: master thought another fit of the gout was coming to make him a visit, so he'd a mind to gi't the slip,-and whip! we were all off at an hour's warning.

Fag. Ay, ay; hasty in every thing, or it would not be Sir Anthony Absolute.

Coach. But tell us, Mr. Fag, how does young

impart to you some of my distress; 1 know your gentle nature will sympathize with me, though your prudence may condemn me: My letters have informed you of my whole connexion with Beverley; but I have lost him, Julia -My aunt has discovered our intercourse, by a note she intercepted, and has confined me ever since: Yet, would you believe it? she has fallen absolutely in love with a tall Irish baronet, she met one night, since we have been here, at lady Mac-shuffle's

rout.

Jul. You jest, Lydia.

Lyd. No, upon my word:-She really carries on a kind of correspondence with him, under a feigned name though, till she chooses to be known to him; but it is a Delia, or a Celia, I assure you. Jul. Then, surely, she is now more indulgent to her niece?

Lyd. Quite the contrary: since she has discovered her own frailty, she is become more suspicious of mine-Then I must inform you of another plague; that odious Acres is to be in Bath to-day, so that I protest, I shall be teazed out of all spirits!

Jul. Come, come, Lydia, hope for the best:Sir Anthony shall use his interest with Mrs. Malaprop.

have you, for this long year, been a slave to the caprice, the whim, the jealousy, of this ungratefu Faulkland, who will ever delay assuming the right of a husband, while you suffer him to be equally imperious as a lover.

Jul. Nay, you are wrong entirely:-We wen contracted before my father's death: That, al some consequent embarrassments, have delased what I know to be my Faulkiand's most ardent wish.-He is too generous to trifle on such a point; and, for his character, you wrong in there too. No, Lydia, he is too proud, too ne to be jealous; if he is captious, tis without is sembling; if fretful, without rudeness C to the fopperies of love, he is negligent of the is duties expected from a lover.-This temper must own, has cost me many unhappy hours I have learned to think myself his debtor for that imperfections which arise from the ardour of his attachment.

Lyd. Well, I cannot blame you for defending him; but, tell me candidly, Julia—had he new saved your life, do you think you should have b attached to him as you are? Believe me, the rat blast that overset your boat was a prosperous of love to him.

Jul. Gratitude may have strengthened my Lyd. But you have not heard the worst:-tachment to Mr. Faulkland, but I loved him le Unfortunately I had quarrelled with my poor Beverley, just before my aunt made the discovery, and I have not seen him since, to make it up. Jul. What was his offence?

Lyd. Nothing at all; but I don't know how it was, as often as we had been together, we had never had a quarrel; and, somehow, I was afraid he would never give me an opportunity; so, last Thursday, I wrote a letter to myself, to inform myself that Beverley was, at that time, paying his addresses to another woman.--I signed it, 'Your friend unknown,' showed it to Beverley, charged him with his falsehood, put myself in a violent passion, and vowed I'd never see him more. Jul. And you let him depart so, and have not seen him since?

Lyd. 'Twas the next day my aunt found the matter out; I intended only to have teazed him three days and a half, and now I've lost him for

ever.

Jul. If he is as deserving and sincere as you have represented him to me, he will never give you up so. Yet consider, Lydia, you tell me he is but an ensign-and you have thirty thousand pounds!

Lyd. But, you know, I lose most of my fortune, if I marry, without my aunt's consent, till of age; and that is what I have determined to do ever since I knew the penalty; nor could I love the man who would wish to wait a day for the alternative.

Jul. Nay, this is caprice!

fore he had preserved me; yet, surely, that aŭta were an obligation sufficient

Lyd. Obligation! why, a water spaniel wod have done as much! Well, I should never th of giving my heart to a man because he coul swim!-What's here?

watch.

Enter LUCY, in a hurry.

Lucy. O, Ma'am, here is Sir Anthony As lute, just come home with aunt! your Lyd. They'll not come here:-Lucy, do rau (Erit Len Jul. Yet I must go; Sir Anthony does t know I am here, and if we meet, he'll detain n to show me the town. I'll take another p tunity of paying my respects to Mrs. Ma when she shall treat me, as long as she chass with her select words, so ingeniously misappls. without being mispronounced.

Quick, quick-Fling "Peregrine Pickle Lyd. Here, my dear Lucy, hide these boisthe toilet-throw "Roderick Random" into *** closet-put "The Innocent Adultery inteTy under the sofa-cram "Ovid" behind the b Whole Duty of Man"-thrust "Lord Aimwort

Lyd. What, does Julia tax me with caprice? I thought her lover Faulkland had inured her-there-put "The Man of Feeling into you.

to it.

pocket.-Now for them!

Enter MRS. MALAPROP and SIR ANTHONT
ABSOLUTE.

Mrs. M. There, Sir Anthony, there sits deliberate simpleton, who wants to disgrace family, and lavish herself on a fellow not worth shilling.

Lyd. Madam, I thought you once,
Mrs. M. You thought, Miss! I don't know

it

business you have to think at all: thought does | Paradoxes, or such inflammatory branches of not become a young woman. But the point we would request of you is, that you will promise to forget this fellow-to illiterate him, I say, from

your memory.

Lyd. Ah, Madam! our memories are indepenlent of our wills. It is not so easy to forget.

Mrs. M. But, I say, it is, Miss! there is nohing on earth so easy as to forget, if a person hooses to set about it. I'm sure I have as much orgot your poor dear uncle, as if he had never isted; and I thought it my duty to do so; and et me tell you, Lydia, these violent memories Jon't become a young woman.

Sir A. Why, sure, she wont pretend to rememer what she 's ordered not! ay, this comes of her eading!

learning: nor would it be necessary for her to handle any of your mathematical, astronomical, diabolical instruments; but, Sir Anthony, would send her, at nine years old, to a boardingschool, in order to learn a little ingenuity and artifice. Then, Sir, she should have a supercilious knowledge in accounts; and, as she grew up, I would have her instructed in geometry, that she might know something of the contagious countries. This, Sir Anthony, is what I would have a woman know; and I don't think there is a superstitious article in it.

Sir A. Well, well, Mrs. Malaprop, I will dispute the point no further with you; though I must confess, that you are a truly moderate and polite arguer, for almost every third word you say is on Lyd. What crime, Madam, have I committed, my side of the question.-But, Mrs. Malaprop, to o be treated thus? the more important point in debate,-you say you Mrs. M. Now don't attempt to extirpate your-have no objection to my proposal? elf from the matter; you know I have proof conrovertible of it: but, tell me, will you promise to o as you're bid? will you take a husband of your riends' choosing?

Lyd. Madam, I must tell you plainly, that, had no preference for any one else, the choice you tave made would be my aversion.

Mrs. M. What business have you, Miss, with reference and aversion? they don't become a oung woman; and you ought to know, that, as oth always wear off, 'tis safest, in matrimony, to egin with a little aversion. I am sure I hated our poor, dear uncle, before marriage, as if he'd een a black-a-moor; and yet, Miss, you are sensile what a wife I made? and when it pleased Heaen to release me from him, 'tis unknown what ears I shed! But, suppose we were going to give ou another choice, will you promise us to give up his Beverley?

Lyd. Could I belie my thoughts so far as to ive that promise, my actions would certainly as ir belie my words.

he worse.

ou!

Mrs. M. None, I assure you.--I am under no positive engagement with Mr. Acres; and as Lydia is so obstinate against him, perhaps your son may have better success.

Sir A. Well, Madam, I will write for the boy directly. He knows not a syllable of this yet, though I have for some time had the proposal in my head. He is at present with his regiment.

Mrs. M. We have never seen your son, Sir Anthony; but I hope no objection on his side. Sir A. Objection!-let him object if he dare! -No, no, Mrs. Malaprop: Jack knows, that the least demur puts me in a phrenzy directly. My process was always very simple-in their younger days, 'twas, "Jack do this,"-if he demurred, I knocked him down; and if he grumbled at that, I always sent him out of the room.

Mrs. M. Ay, and the properest way, o'my conscience!-Nothing is so conciliating to young people as severity.-Well, Sir Anthony, I shall give Mr. Acres his discharge, and prepare Lydia to receive your son's invocations; and I hope you will represent her to the captain as an object not altogether illegible.

and key; and if you were just to let the servants forget to bring her dinner for three or four days, you can't conceive how she'd come about.

[Exit SIR ANTHONY.

Mrs. M. Take yourself to your room; you are company for nothing but your own ill humours. Lyd. Willingly, Maʼam; I cannot change for Sir A. Madam, I will handle the subject pru [Exit. dently. Well, I must leave you; and let me beg Mrs. M. There's a little intricate hussy for you, Mrs. Malaprop, to enforce this matter round ly to the girl-take my advice, keep a tight hand Sir A. It is not to be wondered at, Ma'am ; all-if she rejects this proposal, clap her under lock his is the natural consequence of teaching girls read. In my way hither, Mrs. Malaprop, I served your niece's maid coming forth from a rculating library; she had a book in each hand -they were half-bound volumes, with marble Mrs. M. Well, at any rate, I shall be glad to overs; from that moment, I guessed how full of get her from under my intuition. She has someaty I should see her mistress! how discovered my partiality for Sir Lucius Mrs. M. Those are vile places, indeed! O'Trigger. Sure, Lucy can't have betrayed me! Sir A. Madam, a circulating library in a town-No, the girl is such a simpleton, I should have as an evergreen tree of diabolical knowledge? It blossoms through the year! and depend on it, Irs. Malaprop, that they who are so fond of andling the leaves will long for the fruit at last. Mrs. M. Fie, fie, Sir Anthony! you surely Pak laconically.

Sir A. Why, Mrs. Malaprop, in moderation,
w, what would you have a woman know?
Mrs. M. Observe me, Sir Anthony-I would
no means wish a daughter of mine to be a
geny of learning; I don't think so much learn-
becomes a young woman;-for instance-I
uld never let her meddle with Greek, or He-
-w, or Algebra, or Simony, or Fluxions, or

made her confess it.-Lucy! Lucy! [Calls.] Had
she been one of your artificial ones, I should never
have trusted her.

Enter Lucy.
Lucy. Did you call, Ma'am?

Mrs. M. Yes, girl.-Did you see Sir Lucius while you was out?

Lucy. No indeed, Ma'am, not a glimpse of him. Mrs. M. You are sure, Lucy, that you never mentioned

Lucy. O gemini! I'd sooner cut my tongue out! Mrs. M. Well, don't let your simplicity be im posed on.

Lucy. No, Ma'am.

indeed, to give the thing an air, I told Thomas, that your honour had already enlisted five disbanded chairmen, seven minority waiters, and thirteen billiard markers.

Capt. A. You blockhead, never say more than is necessary.

Fag. I beg pardon, Sir-I beg pardon-But, with submission, a lie is nothing unless one supports it.-Sir, whenever I draw on my invention for a good current lie, I always forge indorsements as well as the bill.

Capt. A. Well, take care you don't hurt your credit by offering too much security. Is Mr. Faulkland returned?

Fag. He is above, Sir, changing his dress. Capt. A. Can you tell whether he has been informed of Sir Anthony's and Miss Melville's arrival?

Mrs. M. So, come to me presently, and I'll give you another letter to Sir Lucius-but mind, Lucy, if ever you betray what you are intrusted with (unless it be other people's secrets to me,) you forfeit my malevolence for ever: and your being a simpleton shall be no excuse for your locality. [Exit. Lucy. Ha, ha, ha! So, my dear simplicity, let me give you a little respite; [Altering her manner.] let girls, in my station, be as fond as they please of being expert and knowing in their trusts, commend me to a mask of silliness, and a pair of sharp eyes for my own interest under it !-Let me see to what account have I turned my simplicity lately; [Looks at a paper.] For abetting Miss Lydia Languish in a design of running away with an ensign! in money, sundry times, twelve pound twelve-gowns, five; hats, ruffles, caps, &c. &c. numberless.-From the said ensign, within this last month, six guineas and a half. -About a quarter's pay!-Item, from Mrs. Malaprop, for betraying the young people to her -when I found matters were likely to be discovered,-two guineas and a black paduasoy.— Ilem, from Mr. Acres, for carrying divers letters -which I never delivered-two guineas and a pair of buckles.--Item, from Sir Lucius O' Trigger, three crowns, two gold pocket-pieces, and a Fag. And in tenderness to my character, if silver snuff box!-Well done, simplicity! yet I your honour could bring in the chairmen and was forced to make my Hibernian believe, that he waiters, I shall esteem it as an obligation;-for, was corresponding, not with the aunt, but with though I never scruple a lie to serve my master, the niece; for, though not over rich, 1 found heyet it hurts one's conscience to be found out. had too much pride and delicacy to sacrifice the feelings of a gentleman to the necessities of his fortune.

ACT II.

[Exit.

SCENE I-CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE's Lodgings.
CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE and FAG.

Fag. Sir, while I was there, Sir Anthony came in; I told him you had sent me to inquire after his health, and to know if he was at leisure to see you. Capt. A. And what did he say, on hearing I was at Bath?

Fag. Sir, in my life, I never saw an elderly gentleman more astonished!

Capt. A. Well, Sir, and what did you say? Fag. O, I lied, Sir-I forget the precise lie, but, you may depend on't, he got no truth from me.-Yet, with submission, for fear of blunders in future, I should be glad to fix what has brought us to Bath, in order that we may lie a little consistently.-Sir Anthony's servants were curious, Sir, very curious indeed.

Capt. A. You have said nothing to them?Fag. Oh, not a word, Sir, not a word; Mr. Thomas, indeed, the coachman (whom I take to be the discreetest of whips)

Capt. A. 'Sdeath!-you rascal! you have not trusted him?

Fag. I fancy not, Sir; he has seen no one since he came in, but his gentleman, who was with him at Bristol.-I think, Sir, I hear Mr. Faulkland coming down

Capt. A. Go, tell him I am here.

Fag. Yes, Sir-[Going.] I beg pardon, Sir, but should Sir Anthony call, you will do me the favour to remember that we are recruiting, if you please.

Capt. A. Well, well.

[Erit Capt. A. Now for my whimsical friend-If he does not know that his mistress is here, I'll tease him a little before I tell himEnter FAG. Fag. Mr. Faulkland, Sir.

[Erit.

Enter FAULKLAND. Capt. A. Faulkland, you're welcome to Bath again: you are punctual in your return.

Well

Faulk. Yes; I had nothing to detain me, when I had finished the business I went on. what news since I left you? how stand matters between you and Lydia?

Capt. A. 'Faith, much as they were.

Faulk. Nay, then you trifle too long-if you are sure of her, propose to the aunt, in your own character, and write to Sir Anthony for his con sent.

Capt. A. Softly, softly, for though I am con vinced my little Lydia would elope with me as Ensign Beverley, yet am I by no means certain that she would take me with the impediment of our friends' consent, a regular humdrum wedding, and the reversion of a good fortune on my side — Well, but Faulkland, you'll dine with us to-day at the hotel?

Faulk. Indeed, I cannot; I am not in spirits ta be of such a party.

Capt. A. By heavens! I shall forswear your company. You are the most teasing, captious. incorrigible lover!-Do love like a man.

Fag. Oh, no, Sir-no-no-not a syllable, upon my veracity!-He was, indeed, a little inquisitive; but I was sly, Sir-devilish sly!-My master (said I) honest Thomas (you know, Sir, one says honest to one's inferiors) is come to Bath Faulk. Ah! Jack, your heart and soul are not, to recruit-yes, Sir-I said to recruit-and whe-like mine, fixed immutably on one only objectther for men, money, or constitution, you know, Sir, is nothing to him, nor any one else.

Capt. A. Well-recruit will do-let it be so-
Fag. Oh, Sir, recruit will do surprisingly;-

You throw for a large stake, but losing, you could stake and throw again; but I have set my sum of happiness on this cast, and not to succeed were to be stripped of all.