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made, he ordered the carpenter to get into the rostrun, and make a speech, that he might observe how it could be heard. The fellow told Sir Richard that he knew not what to say, for he was no orator. “Oh,” cried the knight, “no matter for that, speak any thing that comes uppermost.”— “Why then, Sir Richard,” said the feilow, “here have we been working for you honour these six months, and cannot get one penny of money. Pray, sir, when do you design to pay us?”—“Very well, very well,” said Sir Richard, “pray come down; I have heard quite enough; I cannot but own you speak very distinctly, though I don’, much admire your subject.”

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RETALIATION.

In Charles the Second's days it was the custom, when a gentleman drank a lady’s health, as a toast, by way of doing her honor, to throw some part of his dress into the fire, an example which his companions were bound to follow, by consuming the same article of their apparel, whatever it might be. One of his friends perceiving at a tavern dinner, that Sir Charles Sedley had on a very rich lace cravat, when he named his toast committed his cravat to the flames, and Sir Charles and the rest were obliged to do the same. The poet bore his loss with great composure, observing it was a good joke, but that he would have as good a one some other time. He therefore watched his opportunity, when the same party was assembled on a subsequent occasion, and drinking off a bumper to the health of Nell Gwynne, he called the waiter, and ordering a tooth-drawer into the room, whom he had previously brought to the tavern for the purpose, made him draw a decayed tooth which had long plagued him. The rules of good-fellowship, then in force, clearly required that every one of the company should have a tooth drawn also, but they naturally expressed a hope that Sedley would not be so unmerciful as to enforce the law. Deaf, however, to all their remonstrances, persuasions, and entreaties, he saw then one after another in the hand of the operator, and writhing with pain, while he exclaimed, “ patience, gentlemen, patience ; you know you promised that I should have my frolic too.”

the consu Lt Ation.

Three doctors met in consultation,
Proceed with great deliberation ;
The case was desperate all agreed,
But what of that —they must be fee'd :
They write, then, as 't was fit they should
But for their own, not patient’s good :
Consulting wisely, don't mistake, sir,
Not what to give, but what to take, sir

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In a trial at the Old Bailey, for sheep-stealing, the prosecutor, a butcher, gave a long account of his tracing the sheep from place to place ; that he first went to Acton, then to Ealing, “ and then, iny lord,” said he, “I went to Uxbridge, where I found the sheep, and then I went to handle 'en, and feel 'em, to judge of their identity.”—“Handie 'em and feel 'em " exclaimed the judge, “‘pray where are they : I thought I had known the county of Middlesex extremely well, but I confess I never heard of such places as Handle'em and Feel-'em before.”

THE ASTRONOMER’s ROOM.

One day I called, and, Philo out,
I op'd the door, and look’d about ;
When all his goods being full in view
I took this inventory true :-
Item—A bed without a curtain
A broken jar to enpty dirt in ;
A candlestick, a greasy night-cap,
A spitting-pot to catch what might hap ;
Two stockings dain'd with numerous stitches,
A piece of shirt, a pair of breeches;
A three-legg'd stool, a four-legg'd table,
Were filled with books unfit for rabble ;
Sines, tangents, secants, radius, co-sines.
Subtangents, begments, and all those signs;
Enough to she w the man who made 'em,
Was full as mad as he who read 'em ;
An almanack of six years standing,
A cup with ink, aud one with sand in ;

One corner held his books and chest,
And round the floor was strew'd the rest;
That all things might be like himself,
He'd neither closet, drawer, or shelf;
Here piss-pot, sauce-pot, broken platter,
Appear'd like heterogeneous matter :
In ancient days the walls were white,
But, who 'gainst damps and snails can fight 2
They're now in wreathy ringlets bound,
Some square, some oval, and some round ;
The antiquarian there may find
Each hieroglyphic to his mind ;
Such faces there may fancy trace,
As never yet knew time or place ;
And he who studies maps or plans,
Ilas all the work done to his hands ;
In short, the room, the goods, and author,
Appear'd to be one made for to other.

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Previous to the engagement at Dettingen, a private soldier procured the canteens of some of his comrades, on pretence of fetching water ; but, he did not return till after the battle. A day or two afterwards, the Duke of Cumberland arrived at the camp, and the soldier's conduct being reported to him, he demanded why he had left the field, previous to the battle.—“What,” said the man, “Do you think I was such a fool as to stand there to be shot at 7–Why was not your highness there **—“ I,” cried the duke, ‘‘ I was on my march thither.”—“I know you were,'' replied the fellow, “but you might have made a little more haste, if you had chosen it.”

o

~ PersonAlities. o

When Quin and Garrick performed at the same theatre, and in the same play, the night being very stormy, each ordered a chair. To the mortification of Quin, Mr. Garrick's chair came up first. * Let me get into the chair,” cried the surly veteran, “ let me get into the chair, and put little - Davy into the lan horn.”—“ By all means,” said Garrick; “I shall ever be happy to give Mr. Quin light in any thing.” Bold! LY IN fi RM it i Es. Theo. Cibber, in company with three other bon vivants, one day made an excursion. Theo. had a false set of teeth ; a second, a glass eye i a third, a cork leg ; but the fourth had nothing particular, except a remarkable way of shaking his head. They travelled in a post-coach ; and while at the first stage, after each had made merry with his neighbour's infirmity, they agreed that at every baiting-place they would all affect the same singularity. When they came to breakfast, they were all to squint and as the countrymen stood gaping round when they first alighted, “Od rot it,” cried one, “how that man squints ("—“Why, dom thee,” said a second, “here be another squinting fellow !" The third was thought to be a better squinter than the other two, and the fourth better than all the rest. At dinner, they appeared to have cork legs, and their stumping about made more diversion than they had done at breakfast. At tea they were all deaf; but at supper each man re-assumed his character, the better to play his part in a farce they had concerted. When they were ready to go to bed, Cibber called out to the waiter, “Here, you fellow, take out my teeth.” – “ Teeth, sir!” said the man. “ Ay, terth, sir. Unscrew that wire, and they'll all cone out together.” After soone hesitation, the ran did as he was ordered. This was no sooner performed than a second called out, “Here, man, take out my cye ("—“ Lord, sir,” said the waiter, “ your cye "—“Yes, my eye. Come here, you stupid dog; pull up that cye-lid, and it will come

out as easy as possible.” This done, the third cricd out, “Here, you rascal, take off my leg o' This he did with less reluctance, being before apprised that it was cork, and also conceived that it would be his last job. He was, however, mistaken. The fourth watched his opportunity, and while the wait cr was surveying the eye, teeth, and leg, lying on the table, cried out, in a hollow voice, “Come here, sir, take off my head :'' Turning round, and seeing the man's head shaking like that of a mandarine upon a chimney-piece, he darted out of the room, and after tumbling headlong down-stairs, he ran about the house, swearing that the gentlemen above-stairs were certainly all devils.

the old cheese.

Young Slouch the farmer had a jolly wife,
That knew all the conveniences of life,
Whose diligence and cleanliness supplied
The wit which Nature had to him denied :
But then she had a tongue that would be heard
And make a better man than Słouch a feard. ,
This made censorious persons of the town
Say, Slouch could hardly call his soul his own:
For, if he went abroad too much, she'd use
To give him slippers, and lock up his shoes.
Talking he lov’d, and ne'er was more afii icted
Than when he was disturbed, or contradicted:
Yet still into his story she would break
With “'Tis not so—pray give me leave to speak.”
His friends thought this was a tyrannic rule,
Not differing much from calling him a fool;
Told him, he must exert himself, and be,
In fact, the master of his family.
He said, “That the next Tuesday noon would
show
Whether he were the lord at home or no;
When their good company he would intreat
To wril-brew 'd alc, and clean, if homoly, meat.”
With aching heart home to his wife he goes,
And on his knees does his rash act disclose,
And prays dear Sukey, that, one day at least,

He night appear as master of the feast.

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80 'rl: E. L.A. UG to NG
“I’ll grant your wish,” cries she, “ that you may
see
*Twere wisdom to be govern'd still by me.”
The guests upon the day appointed came,
Each blowsy farmer with his simpering dame.
“ Ho! Sue !” cries Slouch, “why dost not thou
appear ! -
Are these thy manners when aunt Snap is here f"
“I pardon ask,” says Sue, “I’d not offend
At y my dear invites, much less his friend.”
S!ouch by his kinsman Gruffy had been taught
To entertain his friends with finding fault,
And make the main ingredient of his treat
His saying, “ there was nothing fit to eat :
The boil'd pork stinks, the beef’s not roast enough,
The bacon's rusty, and the hens are tough :
The veal's all rags, the butter's turn'd to oil;
And thus I buy good meat for sluts to spoil.
*Tis we are the first Slouches ever sate
Down to a pudding without plumbs or fat.
What teeth or stomach's strong enough to seed
Upon a goose my grannum kept to breed
Why must old pig.co.us, and they stale, be drest,
When there’s so in any squab ones in the nest ?
This beer is sour, 'tis musty, thick, and stale,
And worse than any thing except the ale.”
Sue all this while many excuses made:
Some things she own'd, at other time, she laid
The fault on chance, but oftener on the maid.
Then cheese was brought. Says Slouch, “This
e’en shall roll,
I'm sure 'tis hard enough to make a bowl :
This is skim. milk, and therefore it shall go ;
And this, because ’tis Suffolk, follow too.”
But now Sue’s patience did begin to waste;
Nor longer could dissimulation last.
“Pray let me rise,” says Sue; “ my dear, I’ll find
A cheese perhaps may be to lovy's mind.”
Then in an entry, standing close, where he
Alone, and none of all his friends might see :
And brandishing a cudgel he had felt,
And far enough on this occasion smelt :
“I’ll try, my joy!” she cried, “if I can please
My dearest with a taste of his old cheese I’’

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Dr. Monsey, a celebrated physician, was always strangely infatuated with a fear of the public funds, and was frequently anxious, in his absence from his apartments, for a place of safety in which to deposit his cash and notes. Going on a journey, during the hot weather in July, he cho the fire-place of his sitting-room for his treasury, and placed bank-notes and cash to a considerable amount in one corner, under the cinders and shavings. Cn his return, after a tnonth's absence, he found his housekeeper preparing to treat some friends with a cup of tea ; and, by way of she wing respect to her guests, the parlour fire-place was chosen to make the kettle boil; the fire had not long been lighted, when her master arrived.

When the doctor entered the room the company had scarcely begun tea. He ran across the room like a madman, saying, “Hang it, you have ruined me for ever: you have burned all my banknotes"— First went the contents of the slopbason, then the tea-pot ; then he rushed to the pump in the kitchen, and brought a pail of water, which he threw partly over the fire and partly over the company, who, in the utmost consternation, got out of his way as speedily as possible. His housekeeper cried out, “ For God's sake, sir, forbear, you will spoil the steel stove and fireirons.”—“ D—n the irons,” replied the doctor, “you have ruined me, you have burned my banknotes.”—“ Lord, sir,” said the half-drowned woman, “who'd think of putting bank-notes in a Bath stove, where the fire is ready laid '“And,” resumed he, “ who'd think of making a fire in the summer time, where there has not been one for these several months " He then pulled out the coals and cinders, and at one corner found the reinains of his bank-notes, and one quarter of them entire, so as to be legible. Next day, Dr. Monsey went to Lord Godolphin's, the hightreasurer, aud told him the story. His lordship said, “ that he would go with him to the Bank the next day, and get the cash for him through his influence. He accordingly ordered his carriage, and agreed to meet the doctor at the room in the Bank, where some of the directors daily attend. The doctor being obliged to go to the Horseguards, on business, took water at Whitehall for the Bank. In going down the river, he pulled out his pocket-book, to see if the remains of his notes wore safe; when a sudden puff of wind blew them out of his pocket-book into the river. “Put back, you scoundrel,” said the doctor, “iny bank-notes are overboard '' He was instantly obeyed, and the doctor took his hat and dipped it into the river, inclosing the notes and a hat full of water. In this state he put it under his arm, and desired to be set on shore immediately. On landing, he walked to the Bank, and was shewn into the room where Lord Godolphin had just before arrived. “What have you under your arm * said Lord Godolphin ; “ the damned notes,” replied the doctor. throwing his hat, with the contents, on the table, with such a force as to scatter the water into the faces of all who were standing near it. “There,”

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