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A FAMILIAR TALE. Garrick was supping with Foote at a tavern, Bubb Doddington was very lethargic. Falling when the latter dropped a guinea, with which he asleep one day after dinner with Sir Richard was going to pay the waiter, and it rolled out of Temple and Lord Cobham the general, tbe latter sight. “Where the deuce," said Foote, “ can it reproached Doddington with his drowsiness. be gone to ?"-"Gone to the devil, I suppose," Doddington denied having been asleep; and to cried Garrick. " Well, well, David," observed prove he had not, offered to repeat all Lord Code Foote, “ you're always what I said you were, ham had been saying. Cobham challenged bim contriving to make a guinea go farther than any to do so. Doddington repeated a story; and other man.”
Lord Cobham owned he had been telling it.
Well," said, Doddington, " and yet I did not HOLY RELICS.
hear a word of it: but I went to sleep because Horace Walpole thus describes some relics ex- I knew that about this time of day you would hibited “ in a small hovel of Capucius," at Radi. tell that story." cofani, which were brought from Jerusalem by the
A PRINTER's widow. king ;" among other thivgs of great sanctity, there This daily publishing the weeds of woe, is a set of goashing teeth, the grinders very entire; Announces to my eye, as pica plain, a bit of the worin that never dies, preserved in A dear romantic duodecimo, spirits; a crow of St. Peter's cock, very useful Unbound, and going into sheets again, against Easter; the crisping and curling, frizzling
ADVANTAGES OF GIBBETS. and frowning of Mary Magdalen's hair, which she cut off on growing devout. The good man that Two highwaymen were crossing Hounslow. showed us all ihese commodities, was got into such heath, when one of them observed a gibbet, a train of calling them the blessed this, and the
“ Curse those gibbets,” said he, “if it were not blessed that, that at last he showed us the blessed for them, ours would be the best trade in the fig-tree, that Christ cursed.
world.”_" You are a fool,” cried the other,
there's nothing better for us than gibbets ; for ON A YOUNG LADY WITH GREY HAIRS. were it not for them, every person would turn tighMarked by extremes, Susannah's beauty bears
wayman, and we should be ruined." Life's opposites-youth's blossom and grey hairs
PUNNING FLATTERY. Meet signs for one, in whom, combined, are seen One day when Sir Isaac Heard was with George Wisdom's ripe fruit, and roses of fifteen
III. it was announced that his majesty's horse was IMPROMPTU,
ready for hunting. “Sir Isaac,” said the king,
are you a judge of horses ?"-" In my younger On Lord Rockingham's becoming minister during days, please your majesty," was the reply, * I our disputes with America, when a declaratory was a great deal among them."-" What do you bill was brought into the House of Commons, think of this, then ?” said the king, who was by which was judged to be too tamne a measure by this time preparing to mount his favourite; and the adverse party.
without waiting for an answer, added, “ We call ** You had better declare, which you may, without him Perfection.”—“ A most appropriate name, shocking 'em,
replied the courtly herald, bowing as his majesty That the nation's asleep, and the Minister Rock- reached the saddle, “ for he bears the best of chan ing 'em."
AN ANATOMICAL EPITAPH ON AN INVALID. ner one evening treated to the gallery all the Here lies a head that often ach'd :
devils of the printing-office, that they might hiss Here lie two hands that always shak'd ;
Foote off the stage. Faulkner placed himself in Here lies a braio of old conceit;
the pit, to enjoy the actor's degradation, but when
the objectionable scene came on, the unfortunate Here lies a heart that often beat;
printer was excessively chagrined to find, that so Here lie two eyes that daily wept, And in the night but seldom slept;
far from a groan or a hiss being heard, his gallery Here lies a tongue that whining talk'd;
friends partook of the laugh. The next morning be
inveighed against them for having neglected bis inHere lie two feet that feebly walk’d;
junctions, and on demanding some reason for their Here lie the midriff and the breast, With loads of indigestion prest;
treachery, “ Arrah, master," said the spokesman,
“ do we not know you?--sure 'twas your own's wate Here lies the liver, full of bile, That pe'er secreted proper chyle ;
self that was on the stage; and shower light upon Here lie the bowels, human tripes,
us, if we go to the play-house to hiss our worthy
master.” Tortar'd with wind, and twisting gripes ; Here lies the livid dab, the spleen,
BEAUTY AND WIT. The source of life's sad tragic scene ;
Wilkes once observed to Lord Townshend :That left-side weight, that clogs the blood, “ You, my lord, are the handsomest man in the And stagoates nature's circling flood;
kingdom, and I the plainest; but I would give Here lie the nerves, so often twitch'd
your lordship half-an-hour's start, and yet come With painful cramps and poignant stitch ; up with you in the affections of any woman we Here lies the back, oft rackt with pains,
both wished to win; because, all those attentions Corroding kidneys, loins, and reins;
which you would omit, on the score of your fine Here lies the skin by scurvy fed,
exterior, I should be obliged to pay, owing to the With pimples and eruptions red
deficiencies of mine, Here lies the man, from top to toe,
A LONG PAUSE. That fabric fram'd for pain and woc.
An old gentleman riding over Putney-bridge, TRISH TELESCOPE.
turned round to his servant, and said, " Do you An Irishman was one day observing to a friend like eggs, Jolin?"-"Yes, sir.” Here the conthat he had a most excellent telescope. “Do you versation ended.The same gentleman, riding see yon church,” said he, “about half a mile off?" over the same bridge that day twelvemónth, again
- It's scarcely discernible; but when I look at turned round and said, “hów?" –“ Poached,
THE LAST PROOF.
An officer being wounded by a musket-ball at When Foote was acting in Dublin, he intro- the siege of La Rochelle, the surgeon who first duced into one of his pieces the character of dressed the wound declared that it was very danFaulkner, the printer, whose manners and dress gerous, for he could see the brain. he so closely imitated, that the poor fellow could indeed ?" said he,“ do me the favoar then to take pot appear in public, without meeting with seolls out a little of it, and send it in a linen rag to the and jeers from the very hoys in the streets. En- Cardinal de Richelieu, who has told me a hundred raiged at the ridicule thus brought upon him, Faulk-Itimes a day that I have none."
“ Can you,
DESCRIPTION OF GEORGE II.
but if ye'll no object to the method, I would say
that ye guess right, sir, and that I coine from thie By sunrise on Sunday morning, Wylie was brush- shire of Ayr.” ing ihe early dew io the little park at Windsor, to "Ah, shire of Ayr! a fine country thal-good taste the freshness of the morning gale, or, as he farming there–no smuggling how among you, himself better expressed it, to take a snuff of caller eh ?-No excisemen shooting lords now :- Bad air. On stepping over a style, he saw close before game, bad game. Poor Lord Eglinton had a true him a stout and tall elderly man, in a plain blue taste for agriculture; the country, I have heard, coat, with scarlet cuffs and collar, which at first he owes him much.--Still improvingi Nothing like took for a livery. There was something, how it-the war needs men-corn is our dragon's teeth ever, in the air of the wearer, which convinced potatoes do as well in Ireland, eh ?” him that he could not be a servant; and an ivory The humour of this sally ticlaled our hero as headed cane virled with gold, which lie carried in well as the author of it, and they both laughed a sort of negligent poking manner, led bim to con- themselves into greater intimacy. " Well; but clude that he was either an old officer, or one of Sir," said Andrew," as I am only a stranger here, the poor knights of Windsor; for he had added to I would like to ask you a question or two about his learuing, in the course of the preceding even- tie kilig, just as to what sort of a man he really ing, a knowledge of the existence of this appen- is; for we can place 10 sort of dependence on dage to the noble Order of the Garter, “This," newspapers or history-books, in matters únent said the embryo courtier to himself, “ is just the rulers and men of government.”? '-" What! like verra thing that I hae been seeking. I'll mak up Sir Robert Walpole, not believe history ? Scotse to this decent carl; for nae doubt he's well ac- men very cautious.” But the old gentleman addquaint with a' about the king :' and he stepped ed in a graver accent, “. The king is not so good alertly forward. But before he had advanced as some say to him he is ; nor is he so bad as many paces, the old gentieman turned round, and others say of him. But I know that he has conseeing a stranger, stopped ; and looking at bim scientiously endeavoured to o his duty; and the for two or three secords, said to himself, loud best men can do no more, be their trusts high or enough, however, to be heard, " Sirange man,--| low.” don't know him, - don't know him," and then he “ That, I believe, we a' in general think; evea paused till our hero had come up.
the blacknebs never dispute his lionesty, though “Gude-day, sir," said Wylie, as he approach- they undervalue his talents. But what I wish to ed; “ye're early a-fit on the Sabbath morning ; know and understandi, is no wi' regard to his but I'm thinking his majesty, honest man, sets you kingly faculties, but is to his familiar ways and a' here an example of sobriety and early rising.” behaviour, the things in wiich he is like the gene
Scotsman, ch!" said the old gentleman; rality of the world." " fine inorning, fine morning, sir, -- weather Ha !" said the stranger, briskly, relapsing warmer here than with you? What part of Sco- into his wonted freedom," very particular, very land do you come from? How do you like Wind- particular, indeed. What reason, friend, have you
Come to see the king, eh?" And loudly.io he so particular ?--Must have soine; people he made the echoes ring with his laughter.
never so without a reason.' The Senator was a little at a loss which question " Surely, sir, its a very natural curiosity for a to answus fire; but delighted with the hearty subject to inquire what sort of a man the sove. freedom of the salutation, jocularly said “It's no reign is, whom he has sworn to honour and obey, easy to answer so many questions all at once; and to bear truc allegiance to with hand and heart.
" Trur, true, true;" cxclaimed the old gently of the fancy.-What's your name ?" The old
just remark.-Come ou business to Eng gentleman looked stiärply; but in a moment his land - What business?"
countenance resumed its wonted open cheerfulness, “My chief business, in truth, sir, at present and he said, “ So you are in Parliament, eh ?-I bere is, to see and learn something about the have a seat there 100.--Don't often go, however. king. I have no other turn in hand at this time." Perhaps may see you there.-Good-bye, goodTurn, turn,” cried the stranger, perplexed. - bye.”
Would place the king on your “Ye'll excuse my freedom, sir,” said Andrew, lathe, eh?"
somewhat rebuked by the air and manner in which Our hero did not well know what to make of his new acquaintance separated from him; “ but bis quick and versatile companion ; and while the if you are nou better engaged, I would be glad is old gentleman was laughing at the jocular turn we could breakfast together.' “ Can't, can't,'' which he had himself given to the Scotticisin, he cried the old gentleman, shortly, as he walked said, " I'm thinking, friend, ye're commanded not away ; bont turcing half round after he had walked to speak with strangers anent his majesty's con- iwo or three paces, he added, " obliged to breakduct, for ye blink the question, as ihey say in fast with the king-he won't without me;" and Parliament." L" Parliament? Been there?-- a loud and mirthful laughi gave notice 10 all ihe How do you like it?–Much cry and little wool surrounding echoes that a light and pleased spirit among them, eh?"-" Ye say Gude's truthi, sir; claimed their blithest responses. and I wish they would make their speeches as
THE INCURIOUS BENCHER. short and pithy as the kirg's. I'ın told his majesty bas a very gracious and pleasant delivery, "At Jenny Mann's, where lieroes meet, replied our hero, paw kily ; and the stranger, not And lay their laurels at her feet; beeding his drift, said with simplicity, " It was The modern Pallas, at whose shrine so thought when he was young ; but he is now an The; bow, and by whose aid they dine, old man, and not what I have known him.”—“I Colonel Brocade, among the rest, suppose," replied our hero, " that you have been Was every day a weicome guest. long in his service.”—“ Yes, I am one of his One night, as carelessly he stood, oldest servants.-Ever since I could help myself,” Clearing his reins before the fire, Was the answer, with a sty smile, “I may say I (So every true-horn Briton should) have been bis servant. _ And I dinna doubt," Like that he chaf'd, and fum’d, with ire. replied the senator, " that you have had an easy Jenny,said he, " 'tis very hard post." "_" I have certainly obeyed his will,” cried That no man's honour can be spar'd; the
stranger, in a lively laughing toue: but chang. If I but sup with Lady Duchess, ing into a graver he added, " But what may be or play a game at ombre, such is thy reward, at least in this world, it is for you The malice of the world, 'tis said, and others to judge."_“ I'm mista’en, then, if it Although his Grace lay drunk in bed, should na be liberal,” replied Andrew;" for ye 'Twas I that caus'd liis aching head. stem a man of discretion, and doubtless merii the If Madum Doodle would be iritty, post ye have so long possessed. Maybe so:ne day And I am summoned to the city, in Parliament, I may call this conversation to mind to play at blind-man's-buff, or 'so, for your behoof. The king canva gang far wrang What won't such hellish malice do'? sae lang as he keeps counsel with such douce and if I but catch her in a corner prudent-like men, even though ye hae a bit dlight Humph-'tis your servant, Colonel Horners
But rot the sneering fops, if e'er
DIFFICULT DILEMMA. I prove it, it shall cost them dear
A surgeon in Shropshire was called up in the I swear by this dead.doing blade,
night by a labouring man, to attend his wife who Dreadful examples shall be made :
was in childbed; but having often attended under What-can't they drink bohea and cream,
siinilar circumstances, without obtaining any reBut (damn tbein) I must be their theme?
muneration, he asked the man who was to pay Other men's business let alone,
him. The countryman answered that he possessWhy should not coxcombs miod their own ?" As thus he rav'd with all his might,
ed five pounds, which, kill or cure, should be his
reward. The doctor paid every attention to the (How insecure from fortune's spight, Alas! is every mortal wight!)
poor woman, who, notwithstanding, died. Soon
after her death, he met the widower at Ludlow, To shew his ancient spleen to Mars,
and observed that he had an account against him, Fierce Vulcan caught him by the 11
The man appeared greatly surprised, and inquired Stuck his skirts ! insatiate varlet!
for wbat? On being informed, he replied, " I and fed with pleasure on the scarlet.
don't think I owe you any thing; did you care Hard by, and in the corner, sat
my wife :”—“ No, certainly, it was not in the A bencher grave, with look sedate,
power of medicine to cure her.”_"Did you kill Smoking his pipe, warm as a toast,'
her, then?” said the countryman. “ No, I did And reading over last week's Post ;
not," was the reply.“ Why then," said the coun. He saw the foe the fort invade,
tryman, “as you did not either kill or cure, And soon smelt out the breach he made
you are not entitled to the reward." But not a word-a little sly He look 'd, 'tis true, and from each eye
FEMALE SPIRIT. A side-long glance sometimes he sent,
A young couple about to be married, had proTo bring him news, and watch th' event.
ceeded as far as the church-door, when the gen. Alength upon that tender part
teman stopped his intended bride, and thus adWhere honour lodges (as of old
dressed her :-"My dear Eliza, during our courtAuthentic Audibras has told)
ship I have told you most of my inind, but I have The blustering colonel felt a smart.
not told you the whole: when we are married, I Sore griev'd for his affronted bom,
shall insist upon three things."'-" What are Frisk’d, skip'd, and bounc'd about the room.
they?" asked the lady. 6. In the first place," Then turning short, " Zounds, sir !" he eries
said the bridegroom," I shall sleep alone, I sball " Deuce lake him, had the fool no eyes?
eat alone, and find fault when there is no occaWhat! let a man be burn't alive !"
sion; can you submit to these conditions ?"_"O “I am not, sir, inquisitive,"
yes, sir, very easily," was the reply ; " for if you (Replied Sir Graviny)" to know
sleep alone, I shall not if you eat alone, I shall Wbate'er your honour's pleasd to do;
eat firstand, as to your finding fauli without acIf you will burn your tail to tinder,
casion, that I think inay be prevented, for I will Pray what have i to do to hinder ? Other men's business let alone,
take care you shall never want occasion." Why should not coxcombs mind their own?'
ORATORY. Then, knocking out his pipe with care,
Al the třine whep Sir Richard Steele was preLaid down his penry at the bar;
paring his great room for public orations, he was ?d, wrapping round his freeze suriont,
rather backward in his payments to the workmeni, lp his crab-tree, and walk'd out.
and coming one day to see what progress they