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Sir Per. Your lordship's most devoted.
Sir Per. The rascal! Lord Lum. Why, you stole a march upon me this Lord Lum. Upon which, sir, the fellow, by way of morning; gave me the slip, Mac; though I never asking pardon, ha, ha, ha! had the molesty to wait wanted your assistance more in my life, I thought on me two or three days ago, to inform my honou, you would have called on me.
ha, ha, ha! as he was pleased to digpity me, taas Sir Per. My dear lord, I beg ten millions of par- the execution was now ready to be put in force against dons for leaving town before you ; but you ken that my honour; but that out of respect to my hodour, your lordship at dinner yesterday settled it that we as he had taken a great deal of my honour's moner, should meet this morning at the levee.
he would not suffer his lawyer to serve it, till be Lord Lum. That I acknowledge, Mac.- I did pro- had first informed my honour, because he was not mise to be there, I own.
willing to affront my honour; ha, ha, ha! a son of Sir Per. You did, indeed. And accordingly I was a whore ! at the levee, and waited there till every soul was Sir Per. I never heard of so impudent a dog. gone, and, seeeing you did not come, I concluded Lord Lum. Now my dear Mac, ha, ha, ha! as the that your lordship was gone before.
scoundrel's apology was so very satisfactory, and his Lord Lum. Why to confess the truth, my dear information so very agreeable, I told him that, a Mac, those old sinners, Lord Freakish, General Jolly, honour, I thought ihat my honour could cot do less Sir Anthony Soaker, and two or three more of that than to order his honour to be paid immediately. set, laid hold of me last night at the opera ; and, as
Sir Per. Vary weel, vary weel, you were as com the General says,
from the intelligence of my head plaisant as the scoundrel till the full, I think, ay this morning," I believe we drank pretty deep ere we lord. departed ; ha, ha, lia!
Lord Lum. You shall hear, you shall hear, Mæ; Sir Por. Ha, ha, ha! nay, if you were with that so, sir, with great composure, seeing a smart cats party, my lord, I do not wonder at not seeing your cudgel that stood very handily in a corner of ay lordship at the levec.
dressing-room, I ordered two of my fellows to .. Lord Lum. The truth is, Sir Pertinax, my fellow the rascal, and another to take the rudge and return let me sleep too long for the levee. But I wish I had the scoundrel's civility with a gova drubbing as la seen you before you left town ; I wanted you dread- as the stick lasted. fully.
Sir Per. Ha, ha, ha! admirable ! as guid a strike Sir Per. I am heartily sorry that I was not in the of humour as ever I heard of. And did ikey in way.---but on what account did you want me ? him, my lord ?
Lord Luin. Ha, ha, ha! a cursed awkward affair. Lord Lum. Most liberally, most liberally, sir. As And, ha, ha, ha! yet I can't lielp laughing at it nei- there I thought the atiair would have rešiel, tili i ther, though it vexed me confoundedly.
should think proper to pay the scoundrel ; but this Sir Per. Vext you, my lord ! Zounds, I wish I had morning, just as I was sieppivg into my chaise, Ev been with you : but, for heaven's sake, my lord, what servants all about me, a tellow, called a tiptif, step was it that could possibly vex your Jordship? ped up, and begged the favour of my fontian, ste
Lord Lum. Why, that impudent, teasing, dunning threshed the upholsterer. and of the two that her rascal, Mahogany, my upholsterer.--You know the him, to go along with him upon a little business te fellow ?
my Lord Chief Justice. Sir Per. Perfectly, my lord.
Sir Per. The devil ! Lord Lum. The impudent scoundrel has sued me Lord Lum. And at the same instant, I, in my turn, up to some damned kind of a.-- —something or other was accosted by two other very civil scoundrels, wire), in the law which I think they call an execution, with a most insolent politeness, begged my pardos,
and informed me that I must not go into my own Sir Per. O! my lord, it is my duty to oblige your chaise.
lordship to the utmost stretch of my abeelity. Sir Per. How, my lord ! not intill your ain carriage ?
Lord Lum. No, sir ; for that they, by order of the sheriff, must seize it, at the suit of a gentleman--one Sir PertINAS MACSYCOPHANT, EGERTON, Lord JL. Mahogany, an upholsterer.
and Lady LUMBERCOURT, and their daughter Sir Per. An impudent villain !
Lady RODOLPHA. Lord Lum. It is all true, I assure you : so you see, Sir Per. Weel; but, Lady Rodolpha, I wanted my dear Mac, what a damned country this is to live to ask your ladyship some questions about the comin, where noblemen are obliged to pay their debts just pany at the Bath ; they say you had aw the world like merchants, cobblers, peasants, or mechanics-is ihere. not that a scandal, dear Mac, to the nation?
Lady Rod. O, yes! there was a very great mob Sir Per. My lord, it is not only a scandal, but a there indeed ; but very little company. Aw canaille, national grievance.
except our ain party. The place was crowded with Lord Lum. Sir, there is not another nation in the your little purse-proud mechanics ; an odd kind of world has such a gricvance to complain of. Now in queer looking animals that have started intill fortune other countries were a mechanic to dun, and tease, fra lottery tickets, rich prizes at sea, gambling in and behave as this Mahogany has done, a nobleman Change-Alley, and sic like caprices of fortune; and might extinguish the reptile in an instant; and that away they aw crowd to the Bath to learn gentcelity, only at the expense of a few sequies, florins, or louis and the names, titles, intrigues, and bon-mots of us d'ors, according to the country where the affair hap- people of fashion ; ha, ha, ha! pened.
Lord Lum. Ha, ha, ha! I know them: I know Sir Per. Vary true, my lord, vary true--and it is the things you mean, my dear, extremely well. I monstrous that a mon of your lordship's condition is have observed them a thousand times, and wondered not entitled to run one of these mechanics through where the devil they all came from; ha, ha, ha! the body, when he is impertinent about his money; Lady Lum. Pray, Lady Rodolpha, what were your but our laws, shamefully, on these occasions, make diversions at Bath? no distinction of persons amongst us.
Lady Rod. Guid traith, my lady, the company Lord Lum. A vile policy, indeed, Sir Pertinax.- were my diversion ; and better nai human follies But, sir, the scoundrel has seized upon the house too, ever afforded ; ha, ha, ha! sic an a mixture, and sic that l furnished for the girl I took from the opera. oddities, ha, ha, ha! a perfect gallimaufry. Lady
Sir Per. I never heard of sican a scoundrel. kunegunda M*Kenzie and I used to gang about till
Lord Lum. Ay, but what concerns me most-I am every part of this human chaos, on pmpose to reconafraid, my dear Mac, that the villain will send down noitre the monsters and pick up their frivolities; ha, to Newmarket, and seize my string of horses. ha, ha!
Sir Per. Your string of horses ? zounds! we must Sır Per. Ha, ha, ha! why that must have been a prevent that at all events: that would be sic an a high entertainment till your ladyship. disgrace. I will despatch an express to town directly, Lady Rod. Superlative and inexhaustible, Sir Perto put a stop till the rascal's proceedings.
tinax ; ha, ha, ha! Halam, we had in one group, Lord Lum. Pr’ythee do, my dear Sir Pertinax. a peer and a sharper, a duchess and a pin-maker's Sir Per. O! it shall be done, my lord.
wife, a boarding-school miss and her grandmother, Lord Lum. Thou art an honest fellow, Sir Pertiuax, a fat parson, a lean general, and a yellow admiral
ha, ha, ha! aw speaking together, and bawling and
wrangling in fierce contention, as if the fame and Lord Lum. Yes, yes; the fellow kept a sharp lookfortune of aw the parties were to be the issue of the out. I think it was a fair trial of skill on both sides, copflict.
Mr. Egerton. Sir Per. Ha, ha, ha! pray, madam, what was the Eger. True, my Lord, but the Jew seems to have object of their contention?
been in the fairer way to succeed. Lady Rod. O! a very important one, I assure Lord Lum. O ! all to nothing, sir; ha, ha, ha!you ; of no less consequence, madam, than how Well, child, I like your Jew and your bishop much. an odd trick at whist was lost, or might have been It's develish clever. Let us have the rest of the saved.
history, pray, my dear. Omues. Ha, ha, ha!
Lady Roil. Guid traith, my lord, the sum total is Lady Lum. Ridiculous !
-that there we aw danced, and wrangled, and fiatLord Lum. Ha, ha, ha! my dear Rodolpha, I have tered, and slandered, and gambled, and cheated, and seen that very conflict a thousand times.
iningled, and jumbled, and wallopped together-Sir Per. And so have I, upon honour, my lord. clean and unclean-even like the animal assembly in
Lady Rod. In another party, Sir Pertinax, ha, ha, Noah's ark. ha! we had what was called the cabinet-council, Omnes. Ha, ha, ha! which was composed of a duke and a haberdasher, a Lord Lum. Ha, ha, ha ! - Well, you are a droll red-hot patriot and a sneering courtier, a discarded girl, Rodolpha; and, upon my honour, ha, ha, ha! statesman and his scribbling chaplain, with a busy, you have given us as whimsical a sketch as ever was bawling, muckle-headed, prerogative lawyer ; all of hit off. whom were every minute ready to gang together by Sir Per. Ah! yes, my lord, especially the animal the lugs, about the in and the out meenistry; ha, assembly in Noah's ark. It is an excellent picture of ha, ha!
the oddities that one meets with at the Batb. Sir Per. Ha, ha, ha! weel, that is a droll motley cabinet, I vow:--- -Vary whimsical, upon horour.But they are aw great politicians at Bath, and settle a meenistry there with as much ease as they do the
Sir PERTINAX MACSYCOPHANT and his Son tune of a country dance.
EGERTON. Lady Rod. Then, Sir Pertinax, in a retired part of Sir Per. Charles, I have often told you, and now the room -in a by corner snug—we had a again I tell you, once for aw, that the manqurtes, Jew and a bishop
of pliability are as necessary to rise in the world, Sir Per. A Jew and a bishop ;-ha, ha !- a de- as wrangling and logical subilety are to rise at the velish guid connection that , -and pray, my lady, bar . why you see, sir, I have acquired a noble for. what were they about !
tune, a princely fortune—and how do you think I' Lady Rod. Why, sir, the bishop was striving to raised it! convert the Jew---while the Jew, by intervals, was Eger. Doubtless, sir, by your abilities. slily picking up intelligence fra the bishop, about the Sir Per. Doubtless, sir, you are a blockhead :change in the meenistry, in hopes of making a stroke nai, sir, I'll tell you how I raised it: sir, I raised in the stocks.
it-by bowing ; [Bou's ridiculously low:]-by bow. Omnes. Ha, ha, ha!
ing: sir, I never conld stand straight in the presence Sir Per. Ha, ha, ha! admirable ! admirable! I of a great mon, but always bowed, and bowed, and honour the smouse :-hah! it was develish clever of bowed ---as it were by instinct. him, my lord, develish clever.
Eger. How do you mean by instinct, sir ?
ILLUSTRATIONS OF SCOTCH LOOING.
Sir Per. How do I mean by instinct ?-Why, sir, gate I could gang for the bettering of my condition, I mean by--by-by the instinct of interest
, which and accordingly I set about it : now, sir, in this puris the universal instiuet of mankind. Sir, it is won- suit, beauty? beauty !-ah! beauty often struck derful to think, what a cordial, what an amicable- mine een, and played about my heart! and Buttered, Day, what an infallible influence bowing has upon the and beat, and knocked, and knocked ; but the devii pride and vanity of human nature. Charles, answer an entrance I ever let it get; for I observed, sir, that me sincerely, have you a mind to be convinced of beauty—is generally-a proud, vain, saucy, expen: the force of my doctrine, by example and demon- sive, impertinent sort of a commodity. stration ?
Eger. Very justly observed, sir. Eger, Certainly, sir.
Sir Per. And therefore, sir, I left it to prodigals Sir Per. Then, sir, as the greatest favour I can and coxcombs, that could afford to pay for it ; and confer upon you, I'll give you a short sketch of the in its stead, sir-mark! I looked out for an ancient, stages of my bowing, as an excitement, and a land- weel-jointured, superannuated dowager ; a consump. mark for you to bow by, and as an infallible nostrum tive, toothless, ptisicky, wealthy widow; or to rise in the world.
shrivelled, cadaverous piece of deformity in the shape Eger. Sir, I shall be proud to profit by your expe- of an izzard, or an appersi-apdor, in short, ainy
thing, ainy thing that had the siller, the siller-for Sir Per. Vary weel, sir : sit ye down then, sit you that, sir, was the north star of my affections. Do down here: [They sit down.]—and now, sir, you you take me, sir ? was nai that right ? must recall to your thoughts, that your grandfather Eger. O! doubtless-doubtless, sir. was a man, whose penurious income of half-pay was Sir Per. Now, sir, where do you think I ganged to the sum total of his fortune ; and, sir, aw my provi- look for this woman with the siller ?--pair iill court, sion fra him was a modicum of Latin, an expertness nai till play houses or assemblies-nai, sir, I ganged in arithmetic, and a short system of worldly counsel; till the kirk, till the anabaptist, independent, bradlothe principal ingredients of which were, a persevering nian, and muggletonian meetings ; till the morning industry, a rigid economy, a smooth tongue, a pliabi- and evening service of churches and chapels of ease, lity of temper, and a constant attention to make every and till the midnight, melting, conciliating love-feasts man well pleased with himself.
of the methodists; and there, sir, at last, I fell upon Eger. Very prudent advice, sir.
an old, slighted, antiquated, musty maiden, that Sir Per. Therefore, sir, I lay it before you. looked-ha, ha, ha! she looked just like a skeleton in Now, sir, with these materials, I set out a raw-boned a surgeon's glass case. Now, sir, this miserable object stripling fra the North, to try my fortune with them was religiously angry with herself and aw the world ; here in the South ; and my first step intill the world had nai comfort but in metaphysical visions, and suwas a beggarly clerkship in Sawney Gordon's count- pernatural deliriums; ha, ha, ha! sir, she was as ing-house, here in the city of London, which you'll mad—as mad as a Bedlamite. say afforded but a barren sort of a prospect.
Eger. Not improbable, sir : there are numbers of Eger. It was not a very fertile one indeed, sir. poor creatures in the same condition.
Sir Per. The reverse, the reverse : weel, sir, seeing Sir Per. O! numbers-numbers. Now, sir, this myself in this unprofitable sitnation, I reflected cracked creatnre used to pray, and sing, and sigh, and deeply: I cast about my thoughts morning, noon, groan, and weep, and wail, and gnash her teeth conand night, and marked every man and every mode stantly morning and evening, at the tabernacle in of prosperity; at last I concluded that a matrimonial Moorfields : and as soon as I found she had got the adventure, prudently conducted, would be the readiest siller, ahal guid traith, I plumpen me down upon my
LEGAL TERGIVERSATION EXPLAINED.
knees close by her-cheek by jowl and prayed, and this princely fortune, ah! I met with many heartsighed, and sung, and groaned, and gnashed my teeth sores and disappointments fra the want of literature, as vehemently as she could do for the life of her; ay, eloquence, and other popular abeleties. Sir, guin I and turned up the whites of mine een, till the strings could but have spoken in the house, I should have awmost cracked again ;-) watched her motions, done the deed in half the time ; but the instant I handed her till her chair, waited on her home, got opened my mouth there, they aw fell a-laughing at most religiously intimate with her in a week,-mar- me ;-aw which deficiencies, sir, I determined at ried her in a fortnight, buried her in a month ; any expense, to have supplied by the polished educatouched the siller, and with a deep suit of mourning, tion of a son, who, I hoped, would one day raise the a melancholy port, a sorrowful visage, and a joyful house of Macsycophant till the highest pitch of heart; I began the world again ;--and this, sir, was ministerial ambition. This, sir, is my plan : I have the first bow, that is, the first effectual bow, I ever done my part of it; nature has done hers : you are made till the vanity of human nature :--now, sir, do popular, you are eloquent ; aw parties like and reyou understand this doctrine ?
spect you ; and now, sir, it only remains for you to Eger. Perfectly well, sir.
be directed completion follows. Sir Per. Ay, but was it not right ? was it not ingenious, and weel hit off ? Eger. Certainly, sir : extremely well,
Sir PERTINAX MACSYCOPILANT and Counsellor Sir Per. My next bow, si, was till your ain mo
PLAUSIBLE. ther, whom I ran away with fra boarding-school ; by the interest of whose family I got a good smart Sir Per. Why, Counsellor, did you ever see so implace in the Treasury :-and, sir, my vary next step pertinent, so medulling, and so obstinate a blockhead was intill Parliament; the which I entered with as as that Serjeant Eitherside ? confound the fellow, he ardent and as determined an ambition as ever agitated has put me out of aw temper. the heart of Cæsar himself. Sir, I bowed, and Plans. But, Sir Pertinax, there is a secret spring watched, and hearhened, and ran about, backwards in this business that you do not seem to perceive; and forwards ; and attended, and dangled upon the and which, I am afraid, governs the matter respecting then great mon,
till I got intill the vary bowels of these boroughs. his confidence,-and then, sir, I wriggled, and Sir Per. Whai spring do you mean, couusellor ? wrought, and wriggled, till I wriggled myself among Plaus. I have some reason to think that my lord is the very thick of them : hah! I got my snack of the tied down by some means or other to bring the serclothing, the foraging, the contracts, the lottery tickets, jeant in, the very first vacaney, for one of these and aw the political bonuses ;-till at length, sir, 1 boroughs :--now that, I believe, is the sole motive became a much wealthier man than one balf of the why the serjeant is so strenuous that my lord should golden calves I had been so long a-bowing to : [He keep the boroughis in his own power ; fearing that you rises, and Egerton rises 100]—and was nai that bow- might reject him for some man of your own. ing to some purpose ?
Sir Per. Odswounds and death! Plausibile, you Egcr. It was indeed, sir.
are clever, devilish clever. By the blood, you have Sir Per. But are you convinced of the guid effects, hit upon the vary string that has made aw this discord. and of the utility of bowing.
--Oh! I see it, I see it now. But hauld-hauldEger, Thoroughly, sir.
bide a wee bit--a wee bit, mon; I have a thought Sir Per. Sir, it is infallible :--but, Charles, ah! | come intill my bead-yes-I think, Plausible, that while I was thus bowing, and wriggling, and raising, with a little twist in our negociaiion, that this very