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SMOking WAGER.

The principal solace of Dr. Aldrich between the variety of his learned pursuits, was that of smoking ; of which habit he was so fond, that, among many other compositions, he produced a “Smoking Catch,” to be sung by four men smoking their pipes. His excessive attachment to this amusement becoming a subject of pleasant remark in the university, a student, one morning at breakfast, laid his companion a wager, that the Dean was smoking at that instant. Away they accordingly hastened to the deanery; and, admitted to the study, told the Dean the occasion of their visit ; when, addressing himself, in perfect good humour, to him who had laid that he was smoking, he said, “You see, sir, you have lost your wager; for I am not smoking, but—filling my pipe.”

GUINEA NOTE. While the Beggars' Opera was under rehearsal at the Haymarket Theatre, in 1823, Miss Paton expressed her wish to sing the air of “The Miser thus a shilling sees,” a note higher; to which the stage-manager immediately replied, “Then, Miss, you must sing, “The Miser thus a GUINEA sees.”

AN ASSIZE TOWN.

A pompous sheriff, dress'd exceeding fine,
with awkward javelin-men, in double line ;
Two judges eager for the hour to dine :
A swaggering captain, with a blust'ring look
Resembling Exon's noted, quoted—cook ;
A group of counsel whom one always sees .
With spruce tie-wigs, and bands, sans briefs, sans
fees :
Attornies anxious to create dispute,
And ever wishing for a Chancery-suit;
Raw country girls, not much averse to please
Those lucky counsel, who have touch'd some fees;
Juries who find for plaintiff or defendant,
Just as their stomachs feel, to make an end on't ;
The town all uproar, riot, noise, and pother,
And drunken witnesses one upon t'other.

----

INGEN10 US DEFENCE.

A notorious rogue being brought to the bar, and knowing his case to be desperate, instead of pleading, took to himself the liberty of jesting, and thus said, “I charge you in the king's name, to seize and take away that man (meaning the Judge) in the red gown, for I go in danger of my life, because of him.”

The wox de RFU L wox Dr R of wox's ERs. . . . There is a certain person lately arrived at this, city, of whom it is very proper the world should be informed. His character may perhaps be thought very inconsistent, improbable, and unnatural ; however, 1 intend to draw it with the utmost regard to truth. This I am the better qualified to do, because he is a sort of dependant upon our family, and almost of the same age; though I cannot directly say, I have ever seen him. He is a native of this country, and has lived long among us; but what appears wonderful, and hardly credible, was never seen before, by any mortal. It is true indeed he always chooses the lowest place in company; and contrives it so, to keep out of sight. It is reported, however, that in his younger days he was frequently exposed to view, but always against his will, and was sure to smart for it. As to his family, he came into the world a younger brother, being of six children the fourth in order of bilth ; of which the eldest is now head of the house ; the second and third carry arms; but the two foungest are only footmen: some indeed add, that le has likewise a twin brother, who lives over against him and keeps a victualling house; he has the reputation to be a close, griping, squeezing fellow ; and that when his bags are full, he is often needy; yet when the fit takes him, as fast as he gets he lets it fly. When in office, no one discharges himself, or does his business better. He has sometimes strained hard for an honest livelihood; and never got a bit, till every body else was done. One practice appears very blamable in him; that

every morning he privately frequents unclean houses, where any modest person would blush to be seen. And , although this be generally known, yet the world, as censorious as it is, has been so kind to overlook, this infirmity in him. To deal impartially, it must be granted that he is too great a lover of himself, and very often consults his own ease, at the expense of his best friends: but this is one of his blind sides; and the best of men I fear are not with. out them. He has been constituted by the higher powers in the station of receiver general, in which employment some have censured him for playing fast and loose. He is likewise overseer of the golden mines which he daily inspects, when his health will permit him. He was long bred under a master of arts, who instilled good principles into him, but these were soon corrupted. I know not whether this deserves mention : that he is so very capricious, as to take it for an equal affront, to talk either of kissing or kicking him, which has occasioned a thousand quarrels : however, nobody was ever so great a sufferer for faults, which he neither was, nor possibly could be guilty of. In his religion he has thus much of the quaker, that he stands always covered, even in the presence of the king; in most other points a Fo idolater, although he endeavours to conceal it; for he is known to offer daily sacrifices to certain subterraneous nymphs, whom he worships in an humble posture, rone on his face, and stript stark naked ; and so }. his offerings behind him, which the priests of those goddesses are careful enough to remove, upon certain seasons, with the utmost privacy at midnight, and from thence maintain themselves and families. In all urgent necessities and pressures, he applies himself to these deities, and sometimes even in the streets and highways, from an opinion that those powers have an influence in all places, although their peculiar residence be in caverns under ground. Upon these occasions, the fairest ladies will not refuse to lend their hands to assist him : for, although they are ashamed to have him seen in their

company, or even so much as to hear him named; yet it is well known that he is one of their constant followers. In politics, he always submits to what is uppermost ; but he peruses pamphlets on both sides with great impartiality, though seldom till every body else has done with them. His learning is of a mixed kind, and he may properly be called a helluo librorum, or another Jacobus de Voragine; though his studies are chiefly confined to schoolmen, commentators, and German divines, together with modern poetry and critics: and he is an atomic philosopher, strongly maintaining a void in nature, which lie seems to have fairly proved by many experiments. I shall now proceed to describe some peculiar qualities, which, in several instances, seem to distinguish this person from the common race of other mortals. His grandfather was a member of the rump parliament, as the grandson is of the present, where he often rises, sometimes grumbles, but never speaks. However he lets nothing pass willingly, but what is well digested. His courage is indisputable, for he will take the boldest man alive by the nose. He is generally the first a-bed in the family, and the last up ; which is to be lamented; because when he happens to rise before the rest, it has been thought to forebode some good fortune to his superiors, As wisdom is acquired by age, so, by every new wrinkle in his face, he is reported to gain some new knowledge. In him we may observe the true effects and cnnsequences of tyranny in a state : for as he is a great oppressor of all below him, so there is nobody more oppressed by those above him; yet, in his time he has been so highly in favour, that many illustrious persons have been entirely indebted to him for their preferments. He has discovered from his own experience, the true point wherein all human actions, projects, and designs do chiefly terminate: and how mean and sordid they are at the bottom,

It behoves the public to keep him quiet; for his frequent murmurs are a certain sign of intestine tumults. No philosopher ever lamented more the luxury for which these nations are so justly taxed ; it has been known to cost him tears of blood : for in his own nature he is far from being profuse ; though indeed he never stays a night at a gentleman's house, without leaving something behind him. He receives with great submission whatever his o think fit to give him; and when they lay heavy burdens upon him, which is frequently enough, he gets rid of them as soon as he can ; but not without some labour, and much grumbling. He is a perpetual hanger on ; yet nobody knows how to be without him. He patiently suffers himself to be kept under, but loves to be well used, and in that case will sacrifice his vitals to give you ease : and he has hardly one acquaintance, for whom he has not been bound ; yet, as far as we can find, was never known to lose anything by it. He is observed to be very unquiet in the company of a Frenchman in new clothes, or a young coquette. e is, in short, the subject of much mirth and raillery, which he seems to take well enough ; though it has not been observed that ever any good thing came from himself. There is so general an opinion of his justice, that sometimes, very hard cases are left to his decision : and while he sits upon them, he carries himself exactly even between both sides, o where some inotty point arises; and then he is observed to lean a littie to the right or left, as the matter inclines him; but his reasons for it are so manifest and convincing, that every man approves them.

Epitaph For the Tomb erected to the Marquis of Anglesea's Leg, deposited at Waterloo. Here lies, and let no saucy knave Presume to sneer or laugh, To learn, that mould'ring in this cave, Is laid a British Calf.

For he who writes these lines is sure
That those who read the whole,
Would find that laugh were premature,
For here too lies a Sule.
And here five little ones repose,
Twin-born with other five ;
Unheeded by their brother toes,
Who now are all alive.
A leg and foot, to speak more plain,
Rest here of one commanding;
Who, though his wits he may retain,
Lost half his understanding.
Who, when the guns, with thunder fraught,
Pour'd bullets thick as hail, -
Could only in this way be brought
To give the foe leg bail.
And now in Engiand, just as gay
As in the battle brave;
Goes to the rout, review, or play,
With one foot in the grave.
Fortune, indeed, has shown her spite,
For he will still be found,
Should England's foes cngage in fight;
Resolv'd to stand his ground : .
And but indulg'd in harmless whim,
Since he could walk with one ;
She saw two legs were lost on him,
Who never deign'd to run.

GA R Rick's EYE.

Miss Pope was one evening in the green-room, commenting on the excellencies of Garrick, when, amongst other things, she said “he had the most wonderful eye imaginable—an eye, to use a vulgar phrase, that would penetrate through a deal board.”— “Aye,” cried Wewitzer, “I understand—what we call a gimblet eye "

cAtholicism AND protrst Axis x. Querist. Where, observed a Roman Catholic, in warm dispute with a Protestant, where was your religion before Luther * Q. Did you wash your face this morning 2 Af. Yes. Q. Where was your face before it was washed 2

A bless Ero spot.

From an Epigram of Abulfadhel Ahmed, surnamed ..fl Hamadani, recorded in D'Aerbelot. Hamadan is my native place; And I must say, in praise of it, It merits, for its ugly face, What every body says of it. Its children equal its old men In vices and avidity; And they reflect the babes again In exquisite stupidity. or iGINAL PLAY-lel LLs. The usual method of advertising the performances at the London theatres was originally by affixing them to numerous posts, which formerly encumbered the streets of the metropolis; and hence the phrase, posting-bills. Taylor, the water-poet, relates that master Field, the player, riding up Fleet-street at a great pace, a gentleman called him, and asked him what play was played that day ! He being angry to be staid on so frivolous a demand, answered that he might see what play was to be played on every post. “I cry your mercy,” said the gentleman, “I took you for a post, you rode so fast.”

wilkes's Queries. I wish you at the devil, said somebody to Wilkes. I don't wish you there. why? Because I never wish to meet you again.

Where the devil did you come from ? said Wilkes, to a beggar in the Isle of Wight.

From the devil.

What is going on there *

Much the same as here.

What's that ?

The rich taken in, and the poor kept out.

Mouth versus EYEs.
From the French of La Fontaine.

Cyprus to wit: Sweet Mouth versus Fine Eyes,

Before the Chamber of Precedencies.

The case was opened by Sweet Mouth, who said, .
“I summon Hearts. Let their reports be read.
Let them decide, my Lords, which of us two
Has most to say, to charm with, and to do.
Do, did I say ? I'm ready to take oath,
I've more than I can do, though nothing loth:
Only, it seems, I've not the happy art,
Of shedding tears, like Eyes! With all my heart:
My glory centers not in sight alone :
I satisfy three senses, they but one.
Odours and sounds to my sweet state belong,
And to delightful words I join a charming song.
My very sighs exhale a world of sweets,
Like zephyrs in the time of violets:
I have such ways to make a lover blest,
Such heaps—your Lordships will excuse the list:
And then, if Fine Eyes lay a wager with us,
To see who first can strike some heart beneath us,
Lord! how Fine Eyes go toiling round and round,
While, speak we but a word—the man's on ground:
We want no tricks, not we, to give the rosy wound.
Let Fine Eyes shut, they're no such wonder, they :
Sweet Mouth has always treasures to display ;
Coral without, and precious pear! within ;
Who, when I deign to play, can hope to win?
Let presents fall in oriental showers,
The favours I bestow beat all their dowers.
Thirty-two pearls I wear about me here,
Of which the least in beauty and least clear,
Surpasses all with which the East is lit;
As many millions should not purchase it.”
Thus spoke Sweet Mouth : on which was secn to
Ilse
A lover, who was counsel for Fine Eyes.
He said, as you may guess, that for their part,
Love, without them, could never find the heart:
That as to tears, he felt, he must own, shocked,
To hear their very tenderness rebuked.
What could sighs do, he should be glad to know,
Unless their warrants stood prepared to flow
The fact was, both were good, and Sweet Mouth there
Wronged her own cause, and hurt her character.
There are delicious tears; and there are sighs,
On to other hand, uot over good or wise;

And Mouth had better, as she says she can, Have gained the cause by silence than this plan. “What are the silent charms, the godlike powers To show for her cause, when compared with ours? We charm a hundred and a thousand ways, By sweetness, by a stealth, by sparkling rays, ànd by what Sweet Mouth blames—but is the part We glory in the most—the gentle art Of melting with a tear the manliest heart. Where Sweet Mouth gains a single conquest, we Roll in a round of ceaseless victory : And for one song in which she bears the prize, A hundred thousand sparkle with Fine Eyes. In courts, and cities, in the poet's groves, What is there heard of but our darts and loves? Such sudden strokes we deal, such deeds we vaunt, That those do well, who say that we enchant. We come, and all surrender up their arms. Though often in the whirl of those alarms, Fine Mouth comes following in, and then pretends her charms. Heaven grant the people ask not who she is, Or she may speak, and “thank the gods amiss. Tis true, she has two words of magic touch, I love ;' but cannot Fine Eyes say as much 3 We have a tongue that with no words at all Jan ask, and hint, and tell a tale, and call, ond ravish more than all the pearls and songs, Which Sweet Mouth musters round her tongue of tongues.” The Counsel started here, and took occasion o make a very happy peroration. e caught a lady's eye, just coming in, 'ith an approach the sweetest ever seen: e changed his tone, and with a gravity, conded well by a reposing eye, i.1—“I’ve been taking up your Lordship's time 'ith trifling matters fitter for a rhyme; »ok there my Lords, I think 'twould be absurd, ter that sight, to add another word. ay give the sentence —we are quite secure: w client would not tire the court I'm sure.” The lady, with a pretty shame, looked round

That all hands dropt their papers for surprise,
And not a heart but gave it for Fine Eyes.
Sweet Mouth at this, seeing how matters went,
And forced to raise some new astonishment,
Resumed, and said—“To what has just been dropt,
(Which, by the way, is shockingly corrupt,)
There is one word alone I wish to say:
My Lords, Fine Eyes do little but by day:
That silent tongue of theirs, when in the dark
Makes but a sorry sort of frigid spark:
What I can do, needs surely no remark.”
This reason settled the dispute instanter:
Fine Eyes were much, but Sweet Mouth the en-
chanter.
Fine Eyes, however, took it in good part,
And Sweet Mouth gave the Judge a kiss with all her
heart.

A true critic. A true critic hath one quality in common with a whore and an alderman, never to change his title or his nature. swift's Maggots. Swift dining one day with a lady, complained that a leg of mutton, one of the dishes at table, was full of maggots;– “Not half so full as your head, doctor,” replied the lady drily. The doctor was silent and did not rally for the remainder of the evening.

1Rish priestcraft.

An Irish peasant complained to the Catholic priest of his parish, that some person had stolen his best pig, and supplicated his reverence to help him to the discovery of the thief. The priest promised his best endeavours; and his inquiries soon leading him to guess the offender, he took the following amusing method of bringing the matter home to him. Next Sunday, after the service of the day, he called out with a loud voice, fixing his eyes on the suspected individual, “Who stole Pat Doolan's pig’” There was a long pause, and no answer; he did not expect that there would be any, and descended from the pulpit without saying a word

ith speaking eyes, which dealt so wide a wound, 2 G 3

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