SMOKING WAGER. THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER. INGENIOUS DEFENCE. The principal solace of Dr. Aldrich between the A notorious rogue being brought to the bar, and variety of his learned pursuits, was that of smok- knowing his case to be desperate, instead of pleading; of which habit he was so fond, that, among ing, took to himself the liberty of jesting, and many other compositions, he produced a "Smok-thus said, "I charge you in the king's name, to ing Catch," to be sung by four men smoking their seize and take away that man (meaning the Judge) pipes. His excessive attachment to this amuse- in the red gown, for I go in danger of my life, ment becoming a subject of pleasant remark in the because of him." university, a student, one morning at breakfast, laid his companion a wager, that the Dean was smoking at that instant. Away they accordingly hastened to the deanery; and, admitted to the study, told the Dean the occasion of their visit; when, addressing himself, in perfect good humour, to him who had laid that he was smoking, he said, "You see, sir, you have lost your wager; for I am not smoking, but-filling my pipe." A AN ASSIZE TOWN. sheriff, dress'd exceeding fine, pompous With awkward javelin-men, in double line; Two judges eager for the hour to dine: A swaggering captain, with a blust'ring look Resembling Exon's noted, quoted-cook ; A group of counsel whom one always sees THE WONDERFUL WONDER OF WONDERS.. There is a certain person lately arrived at this, city, of whom it is very proper the world should be informed. His character may perhaps be thought very inconsistent, improbable, and unnatural; however, I intend to draw it with the utmost regard to truth. This I am the better qualified to do, because he is a sort of dependant upon our family, and almost of the same age; though I cannot directly say, I have ever seen him. He is a native of this country, and has lived long among us; but what appears wonderful, and hardly credible, was never seen before, by any mortal. It is true indeed he always chooses the lowest place in company; and contrives it so, to keep out of sight. It is reported, however, that in his younger days he was frequently exposed to view, but always against his will, and was sure to smart for it. As to his family, he came into the world a younger brother, being of six children the fourth in order of birth of which the eldest is now head of the house; the second and third carry arms; but the two youngest are only footmen: some indeed add, that he has likewise a twin brother, who lives over against With spruce tie-wigs, and bands, sans briefs, sans him and keeps a victualling house; he has the re fees: Attornies anxious to create dispute, And ever wishing for a Chancery-suit ; Just as their stomachs feel, to make an end on't; putation to be a close, griping, squeezing fellow; and that when his bags are full, he is often needy; yet when the fit takes him, as fast as he gets he lets it fly. When in office, no one discharges himself, or does his business better. He has sometimes strained hard for an honest livelihood; and never got a bit, till every body else was done. One practice appears very blamable in him; that every morning he privately frequents unclean houses, company, or even so much as to hear him named; where any modest person would blush to be seen. yet it is well known that he is one of their constant And although this be generally known, yet the followers. world, as censorious as it is, has been so kind to overlook this infirmity in him. To deal impartially, it must be granted that he is too great a lover of himself, and very often consults his own ease, at the expense of his best friends: but this is one of his blind sides; and the best of men I fear are not with out them. He has been constituted by the higher powers in the station of receiver general, in which employment some have censured him for playing fast and loose. He is likewise overseer of the golden mines which he daily inspects, when his health will permit him. : He was long bred under a master of arts, who instilled good principles into him, but these were soon corrupted. I know not whether this deserves mention that he is so very capricious, as to take it for an equal affront, to talk either of kissing or kicking him, which has occasioned a thousand quarrels however, nobody was ever so great a sufferer for faults, which he neither was, nor possibly could be guilty of. In his religion he has thus much of the quaker, that he stands always covered, even in the presence of the king; in most other points a perfect idolater, although he endeavours to conceal it; for he is known to offer daily sacrifices to certain subterraneous nymphs, whom he worships in an humble posture, on his face, and stript stark naked; and so leaves his offerings behind him, which the priests of those goddesses are careful enough to remove, upon certain seasons, with the utmost privacy at midnight, and from thence maintain themselves and families. In all urgent necessities and pressures, he applies himself to these deities, and sometimes even in the streets and highways, from an opinion that those powers have an influence in all places, although their peculiar residence be in caverns under ground. Upon these occasions, the fairest ladies will not refuse to lend their hands to assist him: for, although they are ashamed to have him seen in their In politics, he always submits to what is uppermost; but he peruses pamphlets on both sides with great impartiality, though seldom till every body else has done with them. His learning is of a mixed kind, and he may properly be called a helluo librorum, or another Jacobus de Voragine; though his studies are chiefly confined to schoolmen, commentators, and German divines, together with modern poetry and critics: and he is an atomic philosopher, strongly maintaining a void in nature, which he seems to have fairly proved by many experiments. I shall now proceed to describe some peculiar qualities, which, in several instances, seem to distinguish this person from the common race of other mortals. His grandfather was a member of the rump parliament, as the grandson is of the present, where be often rises, sometimes grumbles, but never speaks. However he lets nothing pass willingly, but what is well digested. His courage is indisputable, for he will take the boldest man alive by the nose. He is generally the first a-bed in the family, and the last up; which is to be lamented; because when he happens to rise before the rest, it has been thought to forebode some good fortune to his superiors. As wisdom is acquired by age, so, by every new wrinkle in his face, he is reported to gain some new knowledge. In him we may observe the true effects and consequences of tyranny in a state for as he is a great oppressor of all below him, so there is nobody more oppressed by those above him; yet, in his time he has been so highly in favour, that many illustrious persons have been entirely indebted to him for their preferments. He has discovered from his own experience, the true point wherein all human actions, projects, and designs do chiefly terminate and how mean and sordid they are at the bottom. It behoves the public to keep him quiet; for his frequent murmurs are a certain sign of intestine tumults. No philosopher ever lamented more the luxury for which these nations are so justly taxed; it has been known to cost him tears of blood: for in his own nature he is far from being profuse; though indeed he never stays a night at a gentleman's house, without leaving something behind him. He receives with great submission whatever his patrons think fit to give him; and when they lay heavy burdens upon him, which is frequently enough, he gets rid of them as soon as he can; but not without some labour, and much grumbling. He is a perpetual hanger on; yet nobody knows how to be without him. He patiently suffers himself to be kept under, but loves to be well used, and in that case will sacrifice his vitals to give you ease: and he has hardly one acquaintance, for whom he has not been bound; yet, as far as we can find, was never known to lose any thing by it. He is observed to be very unquiet in the company of a Frenchman in new clothes, or a young coquette. He is, in short, the subject of much mirth and raillery, which he seems to take well enough; though it has not been observed that ever any good thing came from himself. There is so general an opinion of his justice, that sometimes, very hard cases are left to his decision: and while he sits upon them, he carries himself exactly even between both sides, except where some knotty point arises; and then he is observed to lean a little to the right or left, as the matter inclines him; but his reasons for it are so manifest and convincing, that every man approves them. EPITAPH For the Tomb erected to the Marquis of Anglesea's Here lies, and let no saucy knave To learn, that mould'ring in this cave, For he who writes these lines is sure A leg and foot, to speak more plain, Who, when the guns, with thunder fraught, To give the foe leg bail. A BLESSED SPOT. From an Epigram of Abulfadhel Ahmed, surnamed And I must say, in praise of it, ORIGINAL PLAY-BILLS. The usual method of advertising the performances at the London theatres was originally by affixing them to numerous posts, which formerly encumbered the streets of the metropolis; and hence the phrase, posting bills. Taylor, the water-poet, relates that master Field, the player, riding up Fleet-street at a great pace, a gentleman called him, and asked him what play was played that day? He being angry to be staid on so frivolous a demand, answered that he might see what play was to be played on every post. "I cry your mercy," said the gentleman, "I took you for a post, you rode so fast." WILKES'S QUERIES. The case was opened by Sweet Mouth, who said, Of shedding tears, like Eyes! With all my heart: I satisfy three senses, they but one. Odours and sounds to my sweet state belong, I wish you at the devil, said somebody to Thirty-two pearls I wear about me here, Wilkes. Of which the least in beauty and least clear, Thus spoke Sweet Mouth: on which was seen to A lover, who was counsel for Fine Eyes. And Mouth had better, as she says she can, We come, Though often in the whirl of those alarms, Heaven grant the people ask not who she is, The Counsel started here, and took occasion He caught a lady's eye, just coming in, Said I've been taking up your Lordship's time The lady, with a pretty shame, looked round With speaking eyes, which dealt so wide a wound, That all hands dropt their papers for surprise, What I can do, needs surely no remark." This reason settled the dispute instanter : Fine Eyes were much, but Sweet Mouth the enchanter. Fine Eyes, however, took it in good part, And Sweet Mouth gave the Judge a kiss with all her heart. A TRUE CRITIC. A true critic hath one quality in common with a whore and an alderman, never to change his title or his nature. SWIFT'S MAGGOTS. Swift dining one day with a lady, complained that a leg of mutton, one of the dishes at table, was full of maggots;-" Not half so full as your head, doctor," replied the lady drily. The doctor was silent of and did not rally for the remainder of the evening. IRISH PRIESTCRAFT. An Irish peasant complained to the Catholic priest of his parish, that some person had stolen his best pig, and supplicated his reverence to help him to the discovery of the thief. The priest promised his best endeavours; and his inquiries soon leading him to guess the offender, he took the following amusing method of bringing the matter home to him. Next Sunday, after the service of the day, he called out with a loud voice, fixing his eyes on the suspected individual, "Who stole Pat Doolan's pig?" There was a long pause, and no answer; he did not expect that there would be any, and descended from the pulpit without saying a word |