Dumpling has run his bagnet into my cartridge box. | For the dinner it was ordered exactly at four, Mr. Evergape, mind the word, sir-you are picking And to the hour it wanted but a minute or more. your comrade's teeth with your bagonette-fall in, Their appetites whetted with fatigues of the field, fall in. I am falled in, sir. Where? Why into the Pad- Each eager and able his knife to wield, dington Canal. Shoulder arms-O! shame, shame, The enemy appears-and they all let loose, gentlemen, the wrong shoulder; so you must recover Nor give a bit of quarter to turkey or goose; arms, bravo, well disciplined. Stand at ease. I'll So valorous were they, and so great were the feats That they did on the pastry, the puddings, and the meats, be damned if I can stand at ease, you are so tall and I am so short, you keep tickling my ear with your pigtail. Shoulder arms-good. Prime and load-That the landlord brought a bill which astonished all, better. Fire-pop, pop, pop, pop. Never heard a At so wonderful a havoc by a corps so small. better fire; I've got twenty men in my company, Spoken.] Aye! and as I was saying, the last cam. and I heard seventeen of them fire distinctly. What's paign that 1 served-Where was that, colonel? gone with the other three ?--Pop, pop, pop-there That! in Hungerfordshire, and hard service we had they are all. O my! I am so dry: I must have of it: but it was all for the king, and a man shouldn't summat to drink afore I goes into action again. Why mind having his dinner at unregular hours for the you mustn't go now, its irregular. Well, we a'nt public good: a true patriot will deny doing nothing regulars you know. You'll be shot for a deserter. for his country. Mr. Alamode will you attack the Pho! I shall go the back way to that house over the wing of this fowl ?-No, Sir, I'd rather come upon way, the Marquis of Granby's Head. Mr. Hucka- the flank of that beef. Perhaps, sir, you won't reback, which is the back way to the Marquis of Gran- fuse standing a little grape shot.-Not in the least, by's Head? Up the nape of his neck, sir, I should sir, before I sit down opposite to the outerworks of think. To prevent mischief, gentlemen, unfix bago-this giblet pie. You are not going to leave us yet? nets. O, look at the kernal, the kernal! The gallant Yes, indeed, but I must tho'; for, being loaded, 【 colonel's horse, having never before smelt powder, at cannot help going off. Nonsense, man, you are not the unexpected shock, released himself from his too primed yet. Silence for the colonel's toast. Well, martial rider, by throwing him-not into the arms, gentlemen, as you insist on a toast, I shall just say but on the heads of his valorous troop, who luckily this, which is that, May the volunteers of this had, according to command, previously unfixed bayo- parish prove the terror of the world." Bravo. Now nets or else his charger's next visit to the churchyard I shall go. Oh! but you must stay and hear the comight have been with the colonel: but no such loss lonel's song. O, aye, certainly, by all manner of to chivalry happened. With the exception of giving means. Well, gentlemen, I'll endeavour to sing you Bill Alum a black eye with the point of his boot, and one of my own:tearing corporal Fribble's shirt-frill with his spur, all was in statu quo. Hollo! where's Mr. Alamode Perhaps you sing professionally, colonel,-Shame, going? He says he won't stop any longer-he's af-shame, interruption. Mutiny, punish him. fronted; he says, Mr. Sponge, the baker, fired off so close to his ear, that he has singed off half his whiskers. The gallant colonel was about to harangue, when a shower of rain prevented his stream of oratory, and threw a damp on the spirits of the day. So they Right about faced, and gallop'd away, Sans order, saus time, sans martial array; To die is best, if What punishment shall he undergo What, why he shall Eat like an alderman, and drink hazza backs, FORTY-FIVE. Dr. Barnard, being in conversation with Foote, Dr. Johnson, Sir Joshua Reynolds, and other distinguished characters, Barnard happened to say, "that he thought no man could improve when past the age of forty-five." Upon this Dr. Johnson observed, that he (Barnard) was an instance to the contrary; for there was great room for improvement in him, and he wished he would set about it. This produced the following elegant bagatelle from Dr. Barnard in the course of the next day; addressed "To Sir Joshua Reynolds, and Co." I lately thought no man alive That none could controvert it. "No, sir," says Johnson; " 'tis not so. That's your mistake, and I can show An instance if you doubt it. Which way I should apply it: Then come, my friends, and try your skill: (My books are at a distance.) With you I'll live and learn, and then Instead of books I shall read men; So lend me your assistance. Dear knight of Plympton,* teach me how Sir Joshua Reynolds. And smile serene, like thine; And calmly drink my wine. Thy temper mild, thy genius fine, By constant application. The art of pleasing teach me, Garrick ; A second time read o'er.t If I have thoughts, and can't express 'em, In terms select and terse; Jones teach me modesty and Greek ; Let Johnson teach me how to place DIALOGUE BETWEEN SWIFT AND HIS LANDlord. The three towns of Navan, Kells, and Trim, which lay in Swift's route on his first journey to Laracor, seem to have deeply arrested his attention, for he has been frequently heard to speak of the beautiful situation of the first, the antiquity of the second, and the time-shaken towers of the third. There were three inns in Navan, each of which claim to this day the honour of having entertained Dr. Swift! It is probable that he dined at one of them, for it is certain that he slept at Alluding to Garrick, in a whim, reading Cumberland's odes backward. DISTINCTIONS IN FEMALE FRAILTY One Mrs. Mapp, a famous she bone-setter and mountebank, coming to town with a coach and six horses, on the Kentish road was met by a rabble of people, who, seeing her very oddly and tawdrily dressed, took her for a foreigner, and concluded she must be George the First's mistress. Upon this they followed the coach, bawling out, No Hanover w-! No Hanover w! The lady within the coach was much offended, let down the glass, and screamed louder than any of them, she was no Hanover w- she was an English one! Upon which they cried out, "God bless your ladyship!" quitted the pursuit, and wished her a good jour Kells, in the house of Jonathan Belcher, a Leices- | it. ""Tis but a ball bandied to and fro, and every tershire man, who had built the inn in that town man carries a racket about him to strike it from on the English model, which still exists, and, in himself among the rest of the company." point of capaciousness and convenience, would not disgrace the first road in England. The host, whether struck by the commanding sternness of Swift's appearance, or from natural civility, showed him into the best room, and waited himself at table. The attention of Belcher seems so far to have won upon Swift as to have produced some conversation. "You're an Englishman, sir?" said Swift. "Yes, sir." "What is your name?" "Jonathan Belcher, sir." An Englishman and Jonathan too, in the town of Kells-who would have thought it! What brought you to this country?" "I came with Sir Thomas Taylor, sir; and I believe I could reckon fifty Jonathans in my family." "Then you are a man of family" "Yes, sir; I have four sons and three daughters by one mother, a good woman of true Irish mould." Have you been long out of your native country?" Thirty years, sir." "Do you ever ex"Never." pect to visit it again?" "Can you say that without a sigh ?" "I can, sir; my family is my country!" Why, sir, you are a better philosopher than those who have written volumes on the subject: then you are reconciled to your fate?" "I ought to be so; I am very happy; like the people, and, though I was not born in Ireland, I'll die in it, and that's the same thing." Swift paused in deep thought for near a minute, and then with much energy repeated the first line of the preamble of the noted Irish statute-Ipsis Hibernis Hiberniores!" (The English) are more Irish than the Irish themselves!" SATIRE. Satire, when general, being levelled at all, is never resented for an offence by any; since every individual person makes bold to understand it of others, and very wisely removes his particular part of the burthen upon the shoulders of the world, which are broad enough and able to bear ney. PRINCE EUGENE'S TIE WIG. A whimsical circumstance occurred on Prince Eugene's going to court; Swift gives this account of it: "When Mr. Secretary St. John went to conduct him, he found him in the utmost confusion imaginable: Hoffmann, the Emperor's resideat, had told his Highness that morning, that it was impossible for him to go to court without a long wig, and his was a tied up one. "How!" said the Prince; "I know not what to do, for I never had a long periwig in my life; and I have sent to all my valets and footmen to see whether any of them have one, that I might borrow it, but not one of them has such a thing. What am I to do?" It was with the utmost difficulty the secretary could convince him it was a thing of no consequence, and only observed by gentlemen-ushers. I swore to myself, and resolv'd I would try, Give mine leave to talk too, and do not despise The pleasure we'll still be pursuing ; SWIFT AND THE EGGS. CONGREVE. There happened, while Swift was at Laracor, the sale of a farm and stock, the farmer being dead. Swift chanced to walk past during the auction just as a pad of eggs had been put up: Roger, Swift's clerk, bid for them, and was overbid by a farmer of the name of Hatch. " What, Roger, won't you buy the eggs?" exclaimed Swift. "No, sir," said Roger, "I see they are just A'GOING TO HATCH." CUCUMBER FORCING. Lord Kelly had a very red face: "Pray my Lord," said Foote to him, "come and look over my garden wall: my cucumbers are very backward." BEST BARGAIN. Tell me no more I am deceiv'd, That Chloe's false and common: And what care I one farthing? You think she's false, I'm sure she's kind; A LETTER GIVING AN ACCOUNT OF A PESTILENT NEIGHBOUR. Sir, You must give me leave to complain of a PESTILENT fellow in my neighbourhood, who is always beating MORTAR, yet I cannot find that he ever builds. In talking, he uses such hard words that I want a drugger-man to interpret them. But all is not gold that glisters. A pot he carries to most houses where he visits. He makes his 'prentice his GALLY slave. I wish our lane were purged of him. Yet he pretends to be a cordial man. Every spring his shop is crowded with country-folks; who by their leaves, in my opinion, help him to do a great deal of mischief. He is full of SCRUPLES, and so very LITIGIOUS, that he files bills against all his acquaintance: and, though he be much troubled with the SIMPLES, yet I assure you he is a jesuitical dog; as you may know by his BARK. Of all poetry he loves the DRAM-A-TICK best. I am, &c. ON ITS BEING OBSERVED OF A CELEBRATED PUBLIC CHARACTER THAT THERE WAS FALSEHOOD IN HIS VERY LOOKS. That there is falsehood in his looks, I must and will deny ; They say their master is a knave, And sure they do not lie. EPIGRAM. Write injuries in dust, but kindness in marble. If the truth of this proverb is not to be slighted, Your principles doubtless are just, Your kindness to me you in marble indited, SWIFT'S PUNNING. Nothing can more strongly show Swift's fondness for puns of all sorts, than an extract from one of his letters. "The Bishop of Clogher has made an if-pun that he is mighty proud of, and designs to send it over to his brother Tom: but Sir Andrew Fountain has written to Tom Ashe last post, told him the pan, and desired him to send it over to the Bishop as his own; and if it succeeds, it will be a pure bite. I'll tell you the pan. If there was a hackney corch at Mr. Pooley's door, what town in Egypt would it be? Why, it would be Hecatompolis; Hack at Tom Pooley's. Silly!" PROLOGUE Spoken in the Character of a Sailor, on opening the Holloa! my Masters! where d'ye mean to stow us? We're come to see what pastime ye can show us. [Enters. The jolly crew will do their best endeavours; EPITAPH ON JUDGE BOAT. Here lies judge Boat within a coffin, Pray, gentlefolks, forbear your scoffing; A Boat a judge? yes, where's the blunder? A wooden judge is no such wonder! And in his robes you must agree, No Boat was better deckt than he. 'Tis needless to describe him fuller, In short he was an able sculler.* SUPERFICIAL, IGNORANT, AND LEARNED READERS, Readers may be divided into three classes; the superficial, the ignorant, and the learned: and I have with much felicity fitted my pen to the genus and advantage of each. The superficial reader will SWIFT. Tom and Dick Topsail are above-I hear 'em ; Well-tho' the frigate's not so much bedizen'd, What say you, Sam, and Dick, and Doll, and Since they have trimm'd the pleasure-barge so Shan't you, and I, and Sall, come see them nightly? the breast and the lungs, is sovereign against the spleen, and the most innocent of all diuretics. The ignorant reader, between whom and the former the distinction is extremely nice, will find himself disposed to stare, which is an admirable remedy for ill eyes, serves to raise and enliven the spirits, and wonderfully helps perspiration. But the reader truly learned, chiefly for whose benefit I wake when others sleep, and sleep when others wake, will here find sufficient matter to employ his spe culations for the rest of his life. THE TIPSY MEMBER. SWIFT. A member of parliament applied to the post-office, to know why some of his franks had been charged i The answer was: “We supposed, sir, they were not Why, of your writing. The hand is not the same." not precisely the same; but the truth is, I happened to be a little tipsy when I wrote them." "Then, sir, will you be so good, in future, to write drunk, when you make free." * Qu. Whether the author meant scholar, and wilfully mistook. |