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you said.” “Where I said. Why where was that " “Why at the Caffee Mill of the Colonies.” “Pray, Mrs. Maggots, was you at the play last night?” “No, ma'am, I was at Lady Sugarloaf's last night, it was her night.” “Her night, what do you mean " “Why, every Monday night she gives what the French call a sore eye.” “Indeed, why then I would recommend her to rub it with what the English call rose water, every Tuesday morning.” Long life to John Bull at Meurice's May he never feel sorrow or pain, When he comes there to quaff the pure breezes, . . And stroll on the banks of the Seine.
ODD FELLOW S CLUB, By a Member.
There are a set of Odd Fellows of us, in number seven. We meet nightly in a very odd house, in an odd part of the town. Our faces, dress, conversation, and liquor, are all what the world would call odd. Our president, who reigns and has reigned these three weeks and odd, is himself one of the greatest oddities in nature: he neither looks, nor speaks, nor thinks, nor dresses, like any creature existing ; and I may, in the language of that great odd poet, Mr. Theobald, say—
“Nought but himself can be his parallel.”
Ben Grubstreet, next to him, is the oddest follow in our society, and always, in the absence of the president, is mem. con. preferred to the chair. . The rest of our company are an odd poet, a chymist, a painter, a musician, a mathematician, and a politician. We have of late come to a resolution to enlarge our company, and one extraordinary promising strange fellow has made application for admittance. Now, as by his admission our number would be even, and that we would preserve ourselves as we have been these fifteen years and odd, it is the will of the president that I signify to you, as secretary of the company, that you shall have a right to claim the ninth seat, he having observed you to have a very odd turn; and Ben Grubstreet, who meets you fre
that you have the oddest phiz, and dress, and discourse, that ever he saw or heard. That you may not be surprised into our company, I give you a transcript of the rules of our club, very shert, and in number five; by which you may be determined how to act. Itules and Articles to be observed by the Club of Odd Fellows. I. Each person who shall claim a seat in this club, shall by face, speech, and action, demonstrate soune oddity. II. This club shall always meet at five in winter, and seven in summer, and shall sit three hours and odd. The money they spend not to be limited any other way than by this certain regulation, that the shillings and pence must be odd. III. Every member is obliged, on the penalty of 7d. to say at least three odd things every night. IV. If gaming should be proposed, which ought not to be done, play at even and odd. V. On a scrutiny in the election of a member, the candidates being equal in all other points, he whose christian and surname shall have each an odd letter, shall be elected. These are our fundamental rules: we have several others. TOM-0 UT-OF-Tri E-W A Y.
quently at the coffee-house, declares in your favour,
And his lusty balloon with rich turtle he fills.
The Parson's balloon.--' is the pulpit, you'll say;
LECTURE on ENGLAND, BY A FRENch MAN.
In de discourse which I give to you on de top of England, 1 propose to myself two things—first, I shall make you to know de pronunciation most perfect of de English language; and next I show to you de custom and manners—by dis I murder two birds with one stone—one petit pierre. I am not liar nor quack, to pretend talk about what he not understand, dat vat I tell to you, in my grand ouvrage, is from de demonstration ocular, dat is to say, it is all my eye. I call myself Monsieur Charles Guillaume Denise de Charlatanville, member of all de academie of Europe civilized, dat is to say, of de Paris, dat which I go to tell you of de manner, define art, de polite, de society, de literature, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. I not only learned after I have live a long time in de country, dat is to say, for seven weeks as prisoner of war, in de prison of Port see mout, but I read it every day in de journal, Anglice, de paper—it is true 1 never was in de capital, but I reside at Portseemouth, vich is all de same. I shall begin vid de ladies of England, dey drink very much gin—and make themselves drunk every day. I look from my little prison window and see de ladies of Portseemouth roll about de street—derefore it is true ven I say de ladies of England drink wery mosh gin, and make herself drunk every day. Every body in England are boxers, de lady box wid de lady, the gentlemen box wid the gentleman, and sometime de gentleman and lady box
one wid the other. If you look in deir dictionary you will find B-o-x, box, to fight wid de fist, every thing in England is decide by the fist. You read in the papier, dat de duchess of B. and lady C. were in one grand box last night at de opera—to accuse de prisoner, de witness box—to find him guilty, de jury box. And dere is one grand day in the year ven dey all go box one wid de other. De postman, de baker, de dustiman, de butcher, all fight together, and dis is called grand Christmas-boxing. De English are very much people for trade, dey permit him to sell his wife, dey have considerable trade in wifes. In Smissfield, dey have de cattle-market, and as de vomen are de troublesome cattle, de husband put a halter round her neck, and lead her to Smissfield, and sell her; 'tis the same in de every rank of life, for you shall read in the journal dat de great lord he lead the great lady to de altar, which mean he put de altar round her neck, and take her to Smissfield, and sell her. For de fine art de English are nobody, it is impossible, dere is de grand reason; dey eat so much beef and pudding, and drink and sleep so very much, dey have no room in de body for de genius; and it is de rule on de first of September, to shoot de partridge, and on de first of November to shoot himself. De English nation are barbare. France is divided from de England by one sea. Every nation civilized come to France for de music, de dancing, de statuary, de painting, de poetry: all the Europe come to the grand nation for de every ting. For de literature de English are nothing; for de painting dey copy the tableau of Lebrun. For de statuary dey copy de statue superb of de garden of the Tuilleries—dey have their Paradise Lost translated from de Henriade of de immortal Voltaire, by one Jacky Milton, dey have de Hamlet of Ducis, wid Maclesh and othello, translated by one Billy Shakspeare. He was a clergyman or bishop, I believe, de divine of de politics. I shall not say much—dere is two parties in England, one is called tory, and de other de perruque. Ladies and Messieurs, I have exposed to you my grand talent, and for de money I despise it, and if you attend my lectures, I shall teach you how to
Come, since 'tis the fashion to Paris to dash on,
tic apostrophe: “What, Mr. Speaker," saidhe, “must be the alarin and consternation of the whole country, when they saw these hordes of custom-house Tartars traversing every district, devouring like locusts the provisions, and overwhelming the franchises of the people These fiscal comedians travelled in carts and waggons from town to town, county to county, and electicn to election, to fill this house, not with the representatives of the people, but of the great Cham who commands them. Methinks I see a whole caravan of those strolling constituents, trundling in their vehicles towards a country town, where some gaping simpleton in wonderment at their appearance, asks the driver of the first vehicle: “Where, Iny good fellow, are you going with those ragamuffins I suspose they are convicts on their way to the kid-ship for transportation to Botany Bay.” “Oh no,” answers the driver, “they are only a few cartloads of the raw materials for manufacturing onenbers of parliament, on their way to the next election." ' oN A RARE, who had speNT ALL his roRTuxt. My head and my purse had a quarrel of late, And referr'd it to me to decide the debate; Not small was the diff'rence, and it seems this was it, If my purse had most money, or my head had most will By jingo, I answer'd, here's the dev’l of a rout, What! dispute who has most, when your stocks at both out! When thou of thy brains art wholly bereft, And thou hast not got a poor harry-groat left; 'Tis a riddle to tell you whose case is the worst, But surely the head had the vacuum first. The Wond ER. My heart still hov'ring round about you, I thought I could not live without you; Now we've liv'd three months asunder, How I liv'd with you is the wonder. A com M on case. My lord and his lady scold, wrangle, and fight, Yet are both of one mind, and are both in the right. She calls him a fool—He knows he's not wise; He calls her a whore—and she can't say he lies
Meditating the other evening, at that still and delightful hour, when it is just too dark to read but too light to have candles, I got into one of my usual reveries, and fancied that I was a kind of mental doctor, who from being overwhelmed with practice had stolen an hour's slumber after dinner. In the midst of my enjoyment, I thought that a footman came abruptly in to call one to his master, who had been in a dismal way, he told me, ever since the preceding morning, refusing every kind of solace, and giving symptoms of what was apprehended to be insanity. ... I asked the footman what he had seen of the disorder ; and, while I was getting ready to go, he gave me the following relation : “Sir,” said he, “I have always thought that my master was not quite right; but . these two days he has been worse than ever. Such snapping, and snarling, and kicking this thing and kicking t'other, for all the world as if he had been bit This morning, I only went to give him his shoes, which never can be polished enough to suit him, and he kicked his slippers off in my face, and asked me whether I meant to ruin him in blacking 1 At dinner yesterday he said that the sweet wine was vinegar; broke one of the tumblers and kicked the dog under the table for it; swore that my mistress meant to provoke him because she helped him to all the nicest bits at table; and smacked my young lady's cheek for going out of the room, which he said was fying in his face. Afterwards he grew a little quiet,
but nobody dared to come near him, or to look that way, or to make the least noise, he was so touchy. In the evening we had company, and then, Lord 1 Sir, to see how pleasant he was, so smiling and goodnatured to every one that came ! Think's I to myself, who would take you to be such a devil But I'm told its always the way with these mad people, sir; and Mr. Mitchell, my lord's chaplain, next door, who is a great scholar, says, that you might walk with one of 'em all over London, before you found him out, they're so sly and mysterious. When the ladies and gentlemen were gone he fell into his old way again, not so savage as before, but glumpy and impatient. All this morning you would have thought there was a corpse lying in the house, every body looked so dismal and went about like a ghost. But just now he has been getting worse than ever, and Mrs. Kitty the housemaid says he was heard talking of disinwriting—disinheri—what is it ! You know what I mean, sir;-hindering my young master, the counsellor, from coming to the fortune, and all for not having done something in the law, which they tell me he can't be expected to do as yet, bein only forty years old. So my mistress, being frighten more at this than all the rest, thinks he must be mad outright, and has sent me to your honour, to see if any thing can be done.”—I was glad to learn from honest John's relation that the fit had not lasted more than two days, since I should not have so much difficulty in tracing it up to its cause, as would have been the case with longer duration. I proceeded as fast as possible to the house ; and on seeing his new visitor, the patient did not favour him with the accustomed smiles; he was aware that I understood his malady; and guessing my object, seemed to resign himself to the scrutiny with a kind of patient impatience. After feeling his pulse, examining what muscles had been most affected in his face, and satisfying myself from those about him how he had passed the last forty hours, I was pretty well enabled to follow back the disorder through its various excitements. I traced it speedily from his present fit of disinheriting to a wig-box belonging to his son,
which happened to have fallen in his way; from the wig-box to a snuff-box which he had let fall after dinner; from the snuff-box to an uneasy dozing in his chair; from the dozing in his chair to an enormous meal during which he had abused all that he swallowed; from the enormous meal to a speech made by his wife, who had kindly begged him not to venture so much upon a dish that had disagreed with him ; from the speech of his wife to the face of a servant who stood near, and who appeared to him to be laughing in his sleeve; from the servant, after a number of petty turns and stumbling blocks too numerous for detail, to the well-blacked shoes; from the well-blacked shoes, to a hasty mouthful of hot tea; from the hasty mouthful of i. tea to getting up late; from getting up late, which it seems he did half from sleepiness and half from being ashamed to show his face, to restlessness and peevishness all night; from restlessness and peevishness all night to a hearty supper, which he abused as usual; from the hearty supper to another entreaty on the part of his wife :—here I lost scent for a time, for as the footman had said, he had been uncommonly pleasant during the stay of his company; but I found the link again in the gentleness of his daughter, who had left the room, as the footman related;—from the gentleness of his daughter, who I found was very like her mother, I went on with my tracing to the good things to which his wife had helped him at dinner; from the good things to which his wife helped him at din. ner to a glass which he broke in the middle of it; from the broken glass to an agitation of nerves, arising from a refusal which he had just given an old friend who wanted to borrow a little money of him ; from the refusal given his old friend to the tears and patience of his family all the morning; from the tears and patience of his family to a long lecture which he had been giving them on their want of real attachment to him ; from the long lecture he had been giving them to another sulky and peevish breakfast; from the sulky and peevish breakfast to a private mysterious lecture given to his wife before he came down stairs; and, at last, from the private lecture, I came
to the grand secret of all,—to the fountain of this Nile of tears, to the immediate cause of all the taunts, trials, and miseries which a whole famil had been suffering for two long days, and . nobody but myself dared to mention to the unhappy being.—It was a PIN –Our hero had taken up the comb to his head, when a pin which had unluckily found its way between the teeth and hung at a right angle from it by the head, gave him a light scratch on the pericranium. “ Zounds !” exclaimed the gentleman, turning red. “Bless us !” ejaculated the lady, turning pale ;—and then the said lecture ensued, which put an end to two whole days of goodhumour on his part and an equal holiday or comfort on that of his household. I asked whether my patient had any turn for humour, and understanding that if any thing could get him out of his fits, it was a droll story, a reparter, a stroke of wit, or any other pleasant surprise, I went down to his sitting-room with great gravity, holding in my hand a little packet of many papers curiously wrap. ped over one another and containing, in the nucleus or innermost shell, the cause of irritation. At sight of me, he uttered a half-smothered exclamation of impatience, and casting down his eyes and turning aside a little in his chair, began a kind of restless duet between his right leg and his watch-chain. I did not ask him how he felt or whether he was better, well knowing that such questions in such disorders were something worse than of no use, but striking at once into conversation, I remarked how easy the cure of a malady became when once its origin was ascertained “Ah.” said he, “I put no faith in medicine.” “And myself little or none,” returned I, “particularly in diseases of the mind; but there is one thing in which I put a great deal of faith, and that is good sense.” He left off his duet, and looked up in my face with less sulkiness of manner, as if he was eager to take to himself a compliment so new to his conscience. “I do not mean,” he rejoined, “to show any disrespect to your profession, Doctor; but you must