Destructiveness' organ have, will, In this science, good friends, au adept, LECTURES ON CRANIOLOGY. Gentlemen, you see before,you de renowned Baron Von Donderdronk, Von Hoaxburg, Von Puzzledorf, Landing at Calais, face rather pale is, Holding 'em, scolding 'em, oh! oh! Von Chouseiem, D. D.-A. B. C. D. and fiddle de When a man roves, he must make up his mind lee. Gentlemen, it vas I who fairst discovered de To bad and good luck, and mishaps of all kind. lumps and bumpishness of de caput humanum, Good luck and mishaps of all kind. which, like de uman mind, had been so long hid, Flapping of sails-breezes and gales, like de dimond in de mine, under wigs, whiskers, Fright'ing 'em, righting 'em, blow, blowchimney-pot hats, and coal-scuttle bonnets. Gentle-Qualms and fears-darlings and dears, men, de bald head is de true index curtorious of de uman mind. When de barber shaves a man's head, I exclaim, what a fine open countenance--when you meet your friend in de street, you take off your hat, dat is all right, and you look in his face and say, how do you do, that is all wrong; you should turn back to back, and pate to pate, and rub your hand over his poll and say, I am glad too see you are pretty well, tankee. If you pass your hand over de back of de skull, you shall find if de male come from the east or de west of Temple-bar. If you pass your hand over de left cavity of de skull, and he came from de west, you shall find de organ of nothing to do ishness, and gad about ereism; and if you rub on de left side, and he come from de east, you shall find de organ of mind your shop pereism." HEADS FOR A QUARTO; OR THE PAINS OF When a man roves he must make up his mind Eau de vie-who but we, strut, strut. Reach Montreuil-in the cool, LITERARY ARTILLERY. Upon the publication of Bolingbroke's Deistical Works by Mallet, Dr. Johnson observed, "That Bolingbroke had charged a cannon against heaven with all the artillery of hell, and Mallet had set a match to it." 46 TRAVELLING AND PAINTING. A connoisseur was one day criticising painters, who in, historical pieces always draw the same sort of sky. They should travel," said he," and they would see a different sort of sky in every country, in England, France, Italy, &c." "True said a gentleman who sat by, I have travelled, and the greatest variety of skies I have observed is in Poland, for there is Sobiesky Sarbruusky, Jablanowsky, Poniatowsky, Borewlasky, and many more skies." RICHARDSON, AUTHOR OF CLARISSA. A pert young lady having determined to put Richardson out of countenance, who was as remarkable for his modesty, on his coming into a numerous company, "Lord! sir," says she, you certainly have a wonderful talent at description; but, I fear, sir, you must have much frequented brothels, to be able to describe them so well." I fear, madam," replied Richardson, you have been often there, since you know they are so well described.' PICTURE OF A BARD. Hard the poet's hapless lot, Reams of paper mark his trade; With open jaws enough to fright→→→ Lost in amaze, behold him sit, DELIGHTS OF A PACKET. Who's for Calais ? the packets are waiting, Come, take your places, or you'll be too late: Sail with the Sybil, we've just got our freight in, The wind and the tide for no one will wait. "De Louis in von tree hour carry you over,' "Scud Mounseer the steam, sir, will take you along: The Swallow's a packet that's well known at Dover," Sail with king George, sir, cannot be wrong." Spoken.] Now, sir, if you mean to go, you must come." "La, captain, how I have run, I am quite out of breath. They told me you was gone; I had no time to eat my lunch, and hardly time to pay for it." Never mind your lunch, sir, it will be all the same in an hour's time." Why, captain, there's no fear, is there?" Yes, ma'am, plenty of fear, but no danger." "Dear me, how shall I get on board ?" This way, ma'am, step on this plank." "That, bless me, its no broader than a two-penny ribbon, I am as giddy as a goose, and I shouldn't like a duck.” "That lady's afraid of a pitch in." Gocse, duck, and pidgeon, what a horrid pun! that fellow deserves to be sent to the Poultry compter for it." "I want to ask you a question, captain, pray how's the 66 wind?""Pretty well, thankee, how are you?" "O" Well, never mind, keep a good heart." "Keepdear, how nice we are going along; I do like it so; a man need have a stomach of iron, to keep any Ian't sick a bit what a way we are from Dover al- thing, I think." "O dear, Molly, Molly, where's ready. There, I do think I see the spires of Calais." my servant? I'm dying." "So am I, ma'am, and "Where-where?" Where, why at Calais, to be can't come." "How dare you be ill when I want sure." "Well, sir, you have no occasion to be so you?" "Captain, Captain, bring me the brandy botsharp, I don't suppose you saw them at Deal." tle, I am going to go." "Pray, Captain, was any "Talking of deal, who's for a rubber?" "I doesn't person ever lost here?" "No, sir, several's been allow of no cards on board my wessel." "Well, drowned, but we always found them again." "Sir, Twizzle, how do you like it?" "O, I like it wery the next time you're taken so, I'd thank you to turn much, it is like sailing to Twickenham on a Sunday, your head, you've quite spoilt my wife's pelisse, sir." only it is a little broaderer, and a little more salterer." "If people's taken suddenly ill, people can't help "I should like to have a song; what do you think of other people's pelisses, sir." Captain, could I lay the storm?" "O, don't mention it." Pa, sing down a bit ?" "Yes, sir, there's a bed below, there's that song you sung when we went to Chelsea in the only three in it." "Captain, my hat's overboard." I should'nt, but my funny." "That funny was a wherry, my dear." "O," Never mind your hat, sir." was it, why then it was wery funny," for wig is in it." "There's a whale." "A whale! where, where? I'd give a hundred guineas to see a whale; never saw a whale in all my life." "No, sir, it's only a mispronounciation, sir, that's all; it's my wife's wail, what she wears over her vig, sir that's all." "O, is it." Then Who's for Calais? the packets are waiting, Come, take your places, or you'll be too late : Sail with the Sybil, we've just got our freight in, The wind and the tide for no one will wait. Yeo, yeo, my hearties, now then we're going, England's white cliffs we are leaving behind; Yeo, yeo, my hearties, it stiffly is blowing, Well, we the quicker shall sail, never mind. Rough storms are coming on, we must be ready, Keep a good look out ahead there, yeo, yeo; All hands a-hoy, clear the decks, hold her steady, Gentlemen passengers scud down below. (Spoken.)—“Oh! oh! I never was so ill in my life, O, O." "Sarve you right, you would come a pleasuring, now you've got your belly full of it." "I wish I had'nt come, I'm so giddy, the next time I go to France, I'll go the whole way by land." "I say, look at Twizzle, he said he should enjoy it, see what "I " 66 Yeo, yeo, my hearties, now then we're going, Well, we the quicker shall sail, never mind. The harbour's in sight, and the wind it blows fair, Soon o'er a bowl we'll forget every danger past, A true Dover lad values storms not a pin; Our cargo is safe, we've our port safely reach'd at last, says Twizzle. There, ahead." "What's that The tide flag is flying, and we can go in. (Spoken.)—"Tell me, Captain, can't you make a pickle he's in." say, Twizzle, how do you find the pier of Calais ?" "Yes, and I can run foul of yourself? you seem very poorly.' "O, 0, 0." the bar, too." "No, I bar that," (imitation of sickness) "Ah! Pips, how do, Pips?" Where's the breakers?" you seem to be hard at it there, I am going down," What's he say? break my head." can I bring up any thing for you?" "Who's for a the bar? dear me, I always thought it was a large "And I always thought it was like fat mutton-chop?" "I was as well as ever I was in pole of iron." my life, 'till that fellow mentioned the mutton-chop." | Temple Bar !" "Captain, how are we to go ashore, " in' a boat?" "No, as well as we can, ma'am; there, these two stout Frenchmen will carry you on their shoulders." 'Particularly horrid, I declare I am so giddy, I don't know whether I am on my head or my heels." "O, you're right side uppermost now, ma'am, depend upon it.' "0, 0, I'm black and blue already, these fellows are pinching and pulling me about so." "I say, Twizzie, do you twig that lady's legs on the two fellows' backs, carrying her through the water?" " Legs! mill-posts, you mean." "Why, yes, as you say, she don't stand upon trifles." For All stand aside, there, we Calais are nearing, ELOQUENCE OF A TOWN RAKE "Keep it up, huzza! keep it up! I loves fun, for I made a fool of my father last April day. I will tell you what makes me laugh so, we were keeping it up faith, so about four o'clock this morning I went down into the kitchen, and there was Will, the waiter, fast, asleep by the kitchen fire; the dog cannot keep it up as we do: so what did I do, but I goes softly, and akes the tongs, and I takes a great red-hot coal out of the fire, as big as my head, and I plumpt it upon the fellow's foot, because I loves fun; so it has lamed the fellow and that makes me laugh so. You talk of your saying good things; I said one of the best things last week that ever any man said in all the world. It was what you call your rappartees, your bobmats; I'll tell you what it was. You must know, I was in high spirits faith, so I stole a dog from a blind man, for I do love fun; so then the blind man cried for his dog, and that made me laugh; so says I to the blind man, Hip master, do you want your dog? Yes, sir, says he. Now only mind what I said to the blind man; says I, do you want your dog? Yes, sir, says he: Then says I to the blind man, says I, go look for him. Keep it up! keep it up! That's the worst of it, I always turn sick when I think of a parson; I always do; and my brother he's a parson too, and he hates to hear any body swear; so I always swear when I am along with him, to roast him. I went to dine with him one day last week, and there was my sisters, and two or three more of what you call your modest women; but I sent 'em all from the table, before the dinner was half over, for I loves fun, and so there was no-. body but my brother and me, and I began to swear; I never swore so well in all my life; I swore all my new oaths; it would have done you good to have heard me swear; so then my brother looked frighted, and that was fun. At last, he laid down his knife and fork, and, lifting up his hands and his eyes, he calls out, Oh Tempora! oh Mores! Oh ho, brother says I, what, you think to frighten me, by calling all your family about you; but I don't mind you nor your family neither. Only bring Tempora and Mores here, that's all; I'll box them for five pounds; here,-where's Tempora and Mores? where are they? Keep it up! Keep it up!" A DAY AT MEURICE's. Let each spend his days as he pleases, For that is the true time o' day. rope, And manners most funny distinguish. Spoken.] Damme, I might as well be at home, no attention; I'll pull the bell down: I can get no-thing. Here waiter, send up your master, and I'll blow him up. There take your bell (throwing it at him, which he has broken.) "What will you take, sir?" "Take, sir, any thing and every thing." "Waiter, you've brought me both papers alike, here's two Times." "Two Times, that's very bad English, sir, you should have said twice." "Press for Herald." " Press, Times, Post, and Courier; how pleasant! one might almost fancy one's self at the Hummums." " Waiter, bring me Planta's Guide to Paris." "It's in hand, sir. Colonel Calcutta, the rich East India nabob, has it." "Colonel Calcutta, which is he?" "That's him, sir, with two servants behind him, one putting "A rem in a lump of sugar, and the other stirring it." "Don't | rounds of beef: nothing French in it; they dress you care, have as much right to be served as any body an egg five hundred different ways, and make a dozen else, I've no notion. I pay my money; been to see dishes out of a shilling's worth of spinage." "Mr. all the sights, the Boulevards, the Thuilleries, the Whipstitch, what shall I help you to?" Theatres, the Palais Royal, the Goblins of Tapestry: nant of goose, sir, if you please." "Mr. Welt, what done it all in a day. A pretty good day's work, I are you for?" "Soles and eels, sir." "Waiter, must own, but they tell me, Sir Christopher Short-bread." " Yes, sare." "Salt." "Yes, sare." " "Why dip, you went to see the Exhibition of Statues, with a you are not a Frenchman, waiter." "Yes, sare." catalogue of paintings." Why, yes, I made rather Hold your tongue, and let me speak to him, Gara bit of a mistake, had both catalogues in one pocket, song parle pour mong maree.' Beg your pardon, and when I wanted to look at No. 10, the Gladia- madam, I not Englishman, therefore I cannot undertor, I told her it was Susannah at the Bath." "Well, stand your French." "There's a rap on the knuckles what do you think of the statues?" "Why they are for you, sarve you right, you will be showing off when very fine, but they'd be all the better for a little wash- there's no occasion.' ing." "Yes, and none the worse for a little clothing." "Here, waiter, bring my breakfast, tea, hot rolls, muffins, beaf-steaks, and a bottle of Champagne." Champagne! why, my dear fellow, no one drinks Champagne for breakfast." "Don't care, only come for a week, been up four nights, shall never go to bed again. Waiter, damme, bring me the Champagne." Long life to John Bull at Meurice's, May he never feel sorrow or pain; At Meurice's the grand table d'hôte, sure, Long life to John Bull at Meurice's, May he never feel sorrow or pain, Where frolic is always alive- You to fifty theatres can range. Spoken.] "Well, Mr. Dowgate, what did you do with yourself last night?" "O, why, I went to the Theatre Fransays, I think they call it, to see a tragedy-a parcel of nonsense-there's nobody killed— never made me cry-to be sure I don't understand the language, that may make some difference." "Pray, Sir Henry, was you at the grand opera last night?" Is, who most shall England defend. "Yes, I went to see the Daniades." "La, sir, Spoken.] "Nothing is French here, sir, excepting what's that?" "Why, mem, one gentleman's fifty the pay-catch the idea." "This is the place, sir sons marries another gentleman's fifty daughters." why it cost me two guineas in London to get what II went to the Port St. Martin, the original warecall properly drunk, I can do it here, sir, for a quarter the money, and do it handsomely too.' "Why, yes, half a guinea, sir, would find a Frenchman in wine for a month." " Frenchmen, nasty beasts, I hate e'm, they never get drunk." Aye, this is what I call a high classical dinner; plenty of legs of mutton_and house for Maids and Magpies." "I went to see the Dog of Montargis, all natural, a real dog. Will you say as much for your Maid and Magpie?" "I visited the Coffee des Mille Colonnes. What did you do with yourself?" "Why, I went where you did." "Where I did, where was that?" "Why where |