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THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER.

THE PHYSICIAN PAR EXCELLENCE.

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a brother and

A physician boasted of the eminence of his pro- During the revolution, a young man was travelfession, and spoke loudly against the injustice of ling in the diligence to Lyons with " the world, which was so satirical against it; "but a friend," when they had got about half way the thank God," said he, "I have escaped, for no one latter's purse became empty; "Brother," said he 66 That is more than you can to the young man, ever complained of me." " pay me, tell, doctor," said a lady present, "unless you to you at Lyons." "I cannot."-" know the subjects of conversation in the next world." brothers?" "

THE RETORT UNCOURTEOUS.

A lady, well known in the vicinity of the Place Vendome, at Paris, always accosts a stranger, with "I think I have seen you some where," which often leads to a clue for her finding out the history of the party. One evening she played off the same game on a gentleman, who replied, "Most likely, madam, for I sometimes go there."

BAINT AND NO SAINT.

During a certain period of the French revolution, the word Saint and the particle de were abolished, which was ridiculed in a vaudeville,

On danse à Ouen, on danse a Nis,
On danse à Cloud près Paris.

One day a person was walking in the streets, and not
ye being familiar with the new changes, he asked
a man he met which was the way to the street of
Saint Eustache." Know, aristocrat, there are no
saints now," was the surly reply, and the party went
on his way. The next he met was a very decently
dressed old woman, and being resolved to conform him-
self to the new régime, he asked her to tell him which
was the street of Eustache. " Eustache, indeed, sans
culotte! know, St. Eustache was a saint before thou
wert born, and will be one after thou art dead."

AN AGITATOR.

M. Monchenut, an old man of eighty, afflicted with the palsy, was arrested during the reign of terror, under suspicion of being an agitator. Being asked what he had to say to the accusation, "Alas, gentlemen, it is very true, I am agitated enough, God knows, for I have not been able to keep a limb still for these fifteen years,"

sisters."

for

and I will return it Why, are we not Oh certainly, but our purses are not

DESPOTIC GOVERNMENT.

When the inhabitants of Louisiana want fruit they cut down the tree to come at it. This," says Montesquieu, "is the image of a despotic government."

PERFECT RESEMBLANCE.

44

He

Two brothers, of the same name, who lodged to gether, bore a striking resemblance to each other. A man desired to speak to one of them. "Which do He who is a you wish to see ?" said the porter." counsellor." "They are both counsellors." who is married." "They are both married." "He who squints a little." "They both squint." "He who has a pretty wife." " They have each a pretty wife." "Hang it then, it is the one who is a cuckold."

faith, sir, I believe they are both cuckolds." Zounds," said the man, "they are indeed brothers who are destined to resemble each other in every thing."

DUMB ELOQUENCE.

In order to take revenge on a lady who was a dreadful chatterer, yet at the same time a woman of sense, her friends-one day introduced to her a man whom they represewed as being very learned. She received him with much distinction; but eager to excite his admiration of her powers, she commenced her usual strain of loquacity, and addressed to him a hundred questions, without perceiving that he never "Are you sa replied. When the visit was ended," tisfied," said they, "with your new guesɩ ?" "How "how replete with charming he is!" she rejoined: talent!" At this exclamation, they all burst out into laughter; for the man of talent was dumb.

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A lady at confession, amongst other heinous crimes, accused herself of using rouge. "What is the use of it?" asked the confessor. "I do it to make myself handsomer."-" And does it produce that effect?" "At least I think so, father."-The confessor on this took his penitent out of the confessional, and having looked at her attentively in the light, said, Well madam you may use rouge, for you are ugly enough even with it.”

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A BALL CONVERSATION.

THE TITLE OF ESQUIRE.

A German nobleman asked the late lord Barring well define it, because in Germany you have nothing ton what was the English title of esquire. "I cannot correspondent to it; but it is considerably higher than German baron, and something lower than a Ger man prince.

WITCHCRAFT.

"There goes a loose jade, if ever there was one," said an old woman to a girl, whose reputation was not above suspicion. The girl heard her, and called her an old witch. "You see she admits I was right," returned the old woman.

COMFORT IN SICKNESS.

Boileau, the poet, sent his servant to his friend Bois Robert, who was ill of the gout, to know how he was, and was told he was much worse. "Ee swears roundly then," said Boileau. "Yes, si, alas the poor gentleman has only that consolaties left."

SEVERE RETORT.

During the French revolution, parties danced as gaily as ever; the following is a ball conversation, which took place in the month of Frimaire, year 7. M. Danez, envoy of France to the council of Trent. Well, the Ottoman Porte has declared war against us! made a powerful speech against the court of Rome, Oh yes, there is no doubt of itEn avant deux) It and for the reformation of the church. As soon as is an enemy the more-(chassez) and the Russian he had finished, an Italian prelate said, with canfleet they say has passed the Dardanelles, (en tempt, "Gallus cantat." M. Danez instantly reavant quatre) yet the papers say that the emperor piled, "Utinam ad galli cantum Petrus resipisceret.” sincerely desires peace.-Yes, but count Metternich wishes for war, (balancez) so we have also a new coalition against us. England, Portugal, Naples, Some ambassadors of Tarragona informed Augustus Turkey, the Emperor, Russia, perhaps the empire that a palm-tree had sprung up on the altar which of Prussia, (Faites face et chassez tous les huit) they had erected in honour of him. It is a proof, -well we have bayonettes, (la poussette) besides replied the prince, of your assiduity in perfernung it is not so far from Dover to Calais. (traversez)-sacrifices there!

AUGUSTUS.

VENDIBLE JUSTICE.

An attorney, who had just purchased the charge of seneschal for his son, advised him always to work usefully, and to make those who had need of his services contribute liberally. "What, father," cried the astonished son, "would you wish me to sell justice?" "Doubtless," replied the father, "a thing so rare ought not to be given gratis."

WANT OF PENETRATION.

LEX TALIONIS.

A bishop travelling in his coach, met a capuchin who was riding on horseback. He asked the monk, with a sarcastic smile, "How long has St. Francis been in the habit of travelling on horseback?" "Since St. Peter has been accustomed to ride in a coach,” was the reply.

DISCRIMINATION IN PLEASURE.

A lady who was constrained by her husband to remain a long time with him in the country, was eaten

A good-natured husband said to his wife, "I be-up by ennui. Those who were about her remarking it, lieve there is only one in all the city who is not a cuckold." "Who is that, pray?" inquired the wife. "Why," replied the husband, " you are very well acquainted with him." "It is in vain for me to search for him, for I do not know him," was her rejoinder.

NAMESAKES.

The head of John the Baptist, which is at Amiens, was shown to the Abbé de Marolles. In kissing it he exclaimed, "God be praised! this is the fifth or sixth that I have had the honour of kissing."

INTUITIVE AFFECTION.

"There are three things," said a wit, "which I have always loved without ever understanding them, painting, music, and woman."

SUPERFLUOUS ATTAINMENTS.

An individual was speaking to a person of distinguished ability of a man whom he wished to introduce to the latter, and to set off his qualifications, observed that the party knew Montaigne by heart. The other contented himself by replying, "I have the book."

MUTUAL GOOD WISHES.

A priest remarking, near an army, a troop of volunteers who were going in search of booty, accosted their chief in these words, God give you peace!" But the commander, who was not very well pleased with the wish, immediately retorted," God take away purgatory from you.”.

observed to her, "Good God, madam, you are dying
for want of amusement. There are dogs and fine
forests here; will you not hunt?"-"No," said she,
"I do not like hunting." "Would you not wish to
have some work ?"-"I don't like work." "Will you
indulge in a promenade, or amuse yourself by some
game of chance?"-" No, I am not fond of either the
kind. Perhaps a penchant for some favourite estranges
one or the other." "You must have a taste of some
me say? I am not fond of innocent pleasures.”
you from amusements?"-"What would you have

CONVENIENT ABSENCE.

An individual often visited a landscape painter, who had a very beautiful wife, but he always met with the husband. "Zounds," said he, one day to him, "for a painter of landscapes, you are very seldom in the country."

GROUNDS OF RECOGNITION.

you

France to dine. He perceived another man in the
A man went to a restaurateur's (or chop-house) in
room and hurried away to tell the master. "If
do not, sir, order that man, who is dining alone at the
table in the corner, out of your house, a respectable
individual will not be able to sit down in it."-
"How is that, sir?"- -"Because that is the executioner
of R." The host, after some hesitation, at length
went and spoke to the stranger, who calmly answer-
ed him: "By whom have I been recognised ?"—
'By that gentleman," said the landlord, pointing out
the former. "Indeed, he ought to know me, for it is
not two years since I whipped and branded him."

CLERICAL LINGUIST

A curé of a large city in France was obliged, upon a certain festival day, to reply to a Latin discourse, but as he did not understand that language, he managed to get out of the scrape by observing, "The apostles, sir, spoke many languages; you have just addressed me in Latin, and I am going to answer you in French,"

THE INVISIBLE HAIR.

A monk was showing the relics of his convent before a numerous assembly; the most rare, in his opinion, was a hair of the Holy Virgin, which he appeared to -show to the people present, opening his hands as if he were drawing it through them. A peasant approached with great curiosity, and exclaimed, “but, reverend father, I see nothing." "Egad, I believe it," replied the monk, "for I have shown the hair for twenty years, and have not yet beheld it myself."

PEREMPTORY CONCLUSION.

An advocate, whose pleading appeared too diffuse for the cause he was defending, had received an order from the first president to abridge it; but the former, without omitting a word of his intended address, replied, in a firm tone, that all he uttered was essential. The president, hoping at length to make him silent, said to him, "The court orders you to Well," replied the advocate, I conclude that the court shall hear me."

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ADVANTAGES OF LOQUACITY.

"then

A very pretty woman, who was tediously loquacious, complained one day to Madame de Sevigné, that she was sadly tormented by her lovers. "Oh, madam," said Madame de Sevigné to her, with a smile, "it is very easy to get rid of them, you have only to speak."

"" SPRETE INJURIA FORME."

ARDUOUS BAPTISM.

An infant was brought for baptism into a country church. The clergyman, who had just been drinking with his friends a more than usual quantum of the genial juice, could not find the place of the baptism in his ritual, and exclaimed, as he was turning over the leaves of the book, "How difficult this child is to baptize!"

For

WOMAN'S LOVE.

Alas! the love of women! it is known
all of theirs upon that die is thrown,
To be a lovely and a fearful thing;
To them but mockeries of the past alone,
And if 'tis lost, life hath no more to bring

And their revenge is as the tiger's spring,
Deadly, and quick, and crushing; yet as real
Torture is theirs, what they inflict they feel.
Thy are right for man, to man so oft unjust,
Is always so to women; one sole bond
Awaits them, treachery is all their trust;
Taught to conceal, their bursting hearts despond
Over their idol, till some wealthier lust

Buys them in marriage--and what rests beyond! A thankless husband, next a faithless lover, Then dressing, nursing, praying, and all's over. Some take a lover, some take drams or prayers, Some mind their household, others dissipation Some run away, and but exchange their cares, Losing the advantage of a virtuous station; Few changes e'er can better their affairs,

Theirs being an unnatural situation, From the dull palace to the dirty hovel : Some play the devil, and then write a novel.

NUMBER SEVEN

Dean Swift, in his Tale of a Tub, falls in love with this number. "It were much to be wished, (says he,) and I do hereby humbly propose for an experIt was mentioned one day to the duke de Roque-ment, that every prince in Christendom will take ? lance, two ladies of the court had quarrelled, and loaded each-other with abuse. "Have they called each other ugly?" said the duke. "No, sir." "Very good! then I will undertake to reconcile them."

of the deepest scholars in his dominions, and shut them up close for 7 years, in 7 chambers, with a command to write 7 ample commentaries on this comprehensive discourse. This number 7 is comme

posed of the first two perfect numbers, equal and] 7 of Saul's sons were hanged to stay a famine. La unequal, 3 and 4; for the number 2, consisting of ban pursued Jacob 7 days' journey. Job's friends repeated unity, which is no number, is not perfect: sat 7 days and 7 nights, and offered 7 bullocks and it comprehends the primary numerical triangle or 7 rams as an atonement for their wickedness. In trine, and square or quartile, conjunction, considered the 7th year of his reign, King Ahasuerus feasted 7 by the favourers of planetary influence as of the days, and on the 7th deputed his 7 chamberlains to most benign aspect. In six days creation was com- find a queen, who was allowed 7 maidens to attend pleted, and the 7th was consecrated to rest. On the her. Miriam was cleansed of her leprosy by being 7th day of the 7th month, a holy observance was ordained to the children of Israel, who feasted 7 days, and remained 7 days in tents; the 7th year was directed to be a sabbath of rest for all things; and at the end of 7 times 7 years commenced the grand jubilee. Every 7th year the land lay fallow; every 7th year there was a general release from all debts, and all bondmen were set free. From this law may have originated the custom of our binding young men to 7 years' apprenticeship, and punishing in corrigible offenders by transportation for 7, twice 7, and three times 7, years. Every 7 years the law was to be read to the people. Jacob served 7 years for the possession of Rachael; and also other 7. Noah had 7 days' warning of the flood, and was commanded to take the fowls of the air in by 7, and the clean beasts by 7. The ark touched ground on the 7th month; and in 7 days the dove was sent out, and again in 7 days after. The 7 years of plenty, and 7 years of famine, were foretold in Pharaoh's dream by the 7 fat and 7 lean beasts, and the 7 full and the 7 blasted cars of corn. Nebuchadnezzar was 7 years a beast; and the fiery furnace was 7 times hotter to receive Shadrach, &c. A man defiled was, by the Mosaic law, unclean 7 days; the young of both animals was to remain with the dam 7 days, and at the end of the 7th was to be taken away. By the old law, man was commanded to forgive his offending brother 7 times; but the meekness of the revealed law extended his humility to 70 times 7: if Cain shall be avenged 7 times, truly Lamech 70 times 7. In the destruction of Jericho, 7 priests bare 7 trumpets 7 days; on the 7th they surrounded the walls 7 times; after the 7th, the walls fell. Balaam prepared 7 rams for a sacrifice; and

shut up 7 days. Solomon was 7 years in building the temple, at the dedication of which he feasted 7 days; in the temple were 7 lamps; 7 days were appointed for an atonement upon the altar, and the priest's son was ordained to wear his father's garments 7 days. The children of Israel eat unleavened bread 7 days. Abraham gave 7 ewe-lambs to Abimelech, as a memorial for a well. Joseph mourned 7 days for Jacob. Naaman was cleansed of his leprosy by bathing 7 times in Jordan. The Rabbins. say that God employed the power of this number to perfect the greatness of Samuel, his name answering the value of the letters in the Hebrew word, which signifies 7: whence Hannah his mother, in her thanksgiving, says the barren hath brought forth 7. In scripture are enumerated 7 resurrections: the widow's son, by Elias; the Shunamite's son, by Elisha; the soldier who touched the bones of the prophet; the daughter of the ruler of the synagogue; the widow's son of Nain; Lazarus; and our Lord. The Apostles chose 7 deacons. Enoch, who was translated, was the 7th from Adam; and Jesus Christ was the 77th in a direct line. Our Lord spoke 7 times on the cross, on which he was 7 hours; he appeared 7 times; and after 7 times 7 days sent the Holy Ghost. In the Lord's Prayer are 7 petitions, contained in 7 times 7 words, omitting those of mere grammatical connection: within this number are concealed all the mysteries of apocalypse revealed to the 7 churches of Asia. There appeared 7 golden candlesticks and 7 stars in the hand of him that was in the midst; 7 lambs before the 7 spirits of God; the book with 7 seals; the lamb with 7 horns and 7 eyes; 7 angels with 7 trumpets; 7 kings; 7 thunders; 7,000 men slain. The dragon

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