1 that their greatness was of a kind not to be settled by | prejudices of the public in my favour. I cast round reference to the court calendar, or college of heraldry; my thoughts for the purpose, and in an evil hour they it was therefore the most quarrelsome kind of great- fell upon Mrs. Fantadlin. No one seemed to me to ness in existence. You smile, sir, but let me tell you have a more absolute sway in the world of fashion. there are no feuds more furious than the frontier feuds I had always noticed that her party slammed the box which take place in these "debatable lands" of gen-door the loudest at the theatre; that her daughters tility. The most violent dispute that I ever knew in entered like a tempest with a flutter of red shawls and high life was one which occurred at a country town, feathers; had most beaux attending on them; talked on a question of precedence between the ladies of a and laughed during the performance, and used quizmanufacturer of pins and a manufacturer of needles.zing glasses incessantly. The first evening of my At the town where I was situated there were per- theatre's reopening, therefore, was announced in petual altercations of the kind. The head manufac-staring capitals on the play bills, as under the paturer's lady, for instance, was at daggers-drawings tronage of " the Honourable Mrs. Fantadlin.” with the head shopkeeper's, and both were too rich Sir, the whole community flew to arms! Presume and had too many friends to be treated lightly. The to patronize the theatre! insufferable! and then for doctor's and lawyer's ladies held their heads still me to dare to term her "The Honourable!" What higher but they in their turn were kept in check by claim has she to the title, forsooth? The fashionable the wife of a country banker, who kept her own car-world had long groaned under the tyranny of the riage; while a masculine widow of cracked character Fantadlins, and were glad to make a common cause and second-hand fashion, who lived in a large house, and claimed to be in some way related to nobility, looked down upon them all. To be sure her manners were not over elegant, nor her fortune over large; but then, sir, her blood-oh, her blood carried it all hollow; there was no withstanding a woman with such blood in her veins. After all, her claims to high connexion were questioned, and she had frequent battles for precedence at balls and assemblies with some of the sturdy dames of the neighbourhood, who stood upon their wealth and their virtue; but then she had two dashing daughters, who dressed as fine as dragoons, had as high blood as their mother, and seconded her in every thing so they carried their point with high heads, aud every body hated, abused, and stood in awe of the Fantadlins. Such was the state of the fashionable world in this self-important little town. Unluckily, I was not as well acquainted with its politics as I should have been. I had found myself a stranger and in great perplexities during my first season; I determined, therefore, to put myself under the patronage of some powerful name, and thus to take the field with the against this new instance of assumption. All minor feuds were forgotten. The doctor's lady and the lawyer's lady met together, and the manufacturer's lady and the shopkeeper's lady kissed each other; and all, headed by the banker's lady, voted the theatre a bore, and determined to encourage nothing but the Indian Jugglers and Mr. Walker's Eidouranion. Such was the rock on which I split. I never got over the patronage of the Fantadlin family. My house was deserted; my actors grew discontented because they were ill paid; my door-became a hammering place for every bailiff in the county; and my wife became more and more shrewish and tormenting the more I wanted comfort. I tried for a time the usual consolation of a harassed and henpecked man: I took to the bottle, and tried to tipple away my cares, but in vain. I don't mean to decry the bottle; it is no doubt an excellent remedy in many cases, but it did not answer in mine. It cracked my voice, coppered my nose, but neither improved my wife nor my affairs. My establishment became a scene of confusion and peculation. I was considered a ruined man, and of course fair game for every one to pluck at, as every one plunders a sink. ing ship. Day after day some of the troop deserted, and like deserting soldiers carried off their arms and accoutrements with them. In this manner my wardrobe took legs and walked away, my finery strolled all over the country, my swords and daggers glittered in every barn, until, at last, my tailor made "one fell swoop," and carried off three dress coats, half-adozen doublets, and. nineteen pair of flesh-coloured pantaloons. This was the "be all and the end all" of my fortune. I no longer hesitated what to do. Egad, thought I, since stealing is the order of the day, I'll steal too; so I secretly gathered together the jewels of my wardrobe, packed up a hero's dress in a handkerchief, slung it on the end of a tragedy sword, and quietly stole off at dead of night, the bell then beating one," leaving my queen and kingdom to the mercy of my rebellious subjects, and my merciless foes the bumbailiffs. Such, was the " end of all my greatness." THE LOVESICK LADY AND HER ABIGAIL. From an unfinished Drama. I saw them each and all. And they are gone, As sound as a top. What, oh, Beatrice! Thou art indeed the laziest waiting maid That ever cursed a princess. Beatrice! Endure the tortures of the damned, whilst thou Art groping for thy slippers? selfish wretch! Learn, thou shalt come stark-naked at my bidding, Or else pack up thy duds and hop the twig. Beat. Oh, my lady, forgive me that I was so slow In yielding due obedience. Pray, believe me, It ne'er shall happen again. Oh, it would break My very heart to leave so beautiful And kind a mistress. Oh, forgive me! (weeps.) Euphem. Well, well; I fear I was too hasty: But want of sleep, and the fever of my blood, Have soured my natural temper. Bring me the phial Of physic left by that skilful leech Fernando, With Laudanum on the label. It stands Upon the dressing-table, close by the rouge And the Olympian dew. No words. Evaporate. Beat. I fly! [Exil Euphem. (sola.) Alas, Don Carlos, mine own Dear wedded husband! wedded! yes; wedded In th' eye of heaven, though not in that of man, Which sees the forms of things, but least knows That which is in the heart. Oh, can it be, That some dull words, muttered by a parson In a long drawling tone, can make a wife, And not the Enter Beatrice. Beat. Laudanum on the label; right: Euphem. Then pour me out one hundred drops Beatrice. Coming, your highness, give me time to With water in the glass, that I may quaff throw Oblivion to my misery. Beat. 'Tis done. Euphem. (drinks.) My head turns round; it mounts into my brain. I feel as if in paradise! my senзes, mock me: [Faints. CHARACTER OF AN UNDERTAKER. He is the master of the ceremonies at burials and mourning assemblies, grand marshal at funeral processions, the only true yeoman of the body, over which he exercises a dictatorial authority from the moment that the breath has taken leave to that of its final commitment to the earth. His ministry begins A young widower had the following inscription end. Or if some part of the functions of the latter where the physician's, the lawyer's, and the divine's, placed on the tombstone of his wife. Its piety is in-run parallel with his, it is only in ordine ad spiridisputable, but it is rather an equivocal expression of conjugal affection. LOSING A WIFE. Here lies- aged-years. The Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away. BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD! METAMORPHOSIS OF AGE. An elderly lady went to pay a visit to an old friend of the other sex, who was on the point of death. The daughter of the gentleman refused to allow her to enter his chamber, observing to her that her father no longer saw women. "Ah, madam, remarked the lady, at my age there is no longer any sex.” THE COMMISSARY EMBARRASSED. tualia. His temporalities remain unquestioned. He is arbitrator of all questions of honour which concern the defunct; and upon slight inspection will pronounce how long he may remain in this upper world with credit to himself, and when it will be prudent for his reputation that he should retire. His determination in these points is peremptory and without appeal. Yet with a modesty peculiar to his profession, he meddles not out of his own sphere. With the good or bad actions of the deceased in his lifetime he has nothing to do. He leaves the friends of the dead man to form their own conjectures as to the place to which the departed spirit is gone. His care is only about the exuviæ. He concerns not himself even about the body, as it is a structure of parts internal, and a wonderful microcosm. He leaves such curious speculations to the anatomy professor. A duchess was accused of witchcraft. A commis- Or, if any thing, he is averse to such wanton insary was appointed to examine her. The frightful quiries, as delighting rather that the parts which he has ugliness of the magistrate and his assumed gravity, care of should be returned to their kindred dust in might have alarmed any one else than the lady in as handsome and unmutilated a condition as possible; question. However she quietly suffered him to fulfil that the grave should have its full and unimpaired his commission. She acknowledged that she had a tribute,—a complete and just carcass. Nor is he great desire to converse with the devil, and that she only careful to provide for the body's entireness, but had even seen his infernal majesty. "How is he for its accommodation and ornament. He orders the formed?" asked the commissary. "In good faith, fashion of its clothes, and designs the symmetry of sir, if you wish me to describe him to the very nature, its dwelling. Its vanity has an innocent survival in I must tell you that he resembles you as completely him. He is bed-maker to the dead. The pillows as two drops of water." Then addressing the clerk, which he lays never rumple. The day of intershe added, "Write down my answer." The comment is the theatre in which he displays the mystemissary, who saw that this proceeding would cause ries of his art. It is hard to describe what he is, or a laugh at his expense, thought it prudent to suppress rather, to tell what he is not, on that day: for, being the procès verbal, neither kinsman, servant, nor friend, he is all in turns; THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER a transcendent, running through all those relations. His office is to supply the place of self-agency in the family, who are presumed incapable of it through grief. He is eyes, and ears, and hands, to the whole household. A draught of wine cannot go round to the mourners, but he must minister it. A chair may hardly be restored to its place by a less solemn hand than his. He takes upon himself all functions, and is a sort of ephemeral major-domo! He distributes his attentions among the company assembled according to the degree of affliction, which he calculates from the degree of kin to the deceased; and marshals them accordingly in the procession. He himself is of a sad and tristful countenance; yet such as (if well examined) is not without some show of patience and resignation at bottom: prefiguring, as it were, to the friends of the deceased what their grief shall be when the hand of Time shall have softened and taken down the bitterness of their first anguish; so handsomely can he fore-shape and anticipate the work of time. Lastly, with his wand, as with another divining rod, he calculates the depth of earth at which the bones of the dead man may rest, which he ordinarily contrives may be at such a distance from the surface of this earth, as may frustrate the profane attempts of such as would violate his repose, yet sufficiently on this side the centre to give his friends hopes of an easy and practicable resurrection. And here we leave him, casting in dust to dust, which is the last friendly office that he undertakes to do. INTERPRETATION. An individual of the court of Louis XIII., was playing at piquet in an open gallery. Having noticed by his return cards that he had unwisely discarded, he exclaimed, "I am a real Goussat." (This was the name of a president who did not enjoy the reputation of being one of the most enlightened men of his age.) It happened, by chance, that the president was standing behind the player, who had not perceived him; and greatly offended upon the occasion, he said to the former, "You are a fool." "You are perfectly right," rejoined the other, "that was what I meant to say." THE MAIDEN'S BLOODY GARLAND, OR THE HIGH-STRKET TRAGEDY. Tune-" There were three pilgrims. A mournful ditty I will tell, She was in love, as some do say, The babe within her wonb did cry; But oh! the wretch's heart was hard, "Oh! woe is me! I am betray'd, "For I my wretched days must end, Heigh-ho, &c. Then to her friends she bid " adieu!" Unto the ostler at the Bear, O then to madam Luff she said, Too true she spoke, it did appear; No spark of life was in her shown, She was not as I once have seen With bonnet trimm'd, and flounc'd, and all And stockings white as snows that fall. But dull was that black laughing eye, Heigh-ho, &c. Those limbs which well the dance have led, The crowner and the jury came At midnight, so the law doth say, No priest in white did there attend, No shroud her ghastly face did hide, And then, your pity let it move, It would have melted stones to see Ye maidens an example take, Ye maidens all of Oxford town, Heigh-ho, &c. But think on Sally's dismal end. Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, &c. Frederick the Great having embellished a Lutheran church with a new façade, the priests who performed service in it represented to the king, that their flocks could not see clearly enough to read their canticles. But as the building was too far advanced to provide a remedy for the defect, his majesty recalled to their memory these words of the gospel, "Blessed are those who believe and see not." VENETIANS AT VERSAILLES. The republic of Genoa, having dared to defy Louis XIV., was obliged to send into France, in order to make their excuses, the doge, accompanied by four senators, a thing without precedent. Versailles, in all its splendour, was shown to the doge, who was asked what had the most struck him in this enchanted spot, "To see myself there," was the brief rejoinder. |