« ZurückWeiter »
A FRIEND IN NEED.
AN AGREEMENT. An actor, who was performing Careless in the Colonel Chartres agreed to purchase the timber School for Scandal, saying to Charles, in the pic-of a large estate in the north, from a young heir, ture scone,
" What shall we do for a hammer?” and pay the whole money as soon as he had cat A carpenter in the gallery, who had one io his down the last tree, which agreement was accepted apron-string, threw it on the stage, saying, “Now, of. His labourers were immediately set to work, go on, my lad, there's a hammer for yon.” and they cut away with uncommon expedition till
they came to the last tree, where they halted, and USELESS ECONOMY.
left it standing, as well as the purchase-money A gentleman went to dine one day with an emi. unpaid, until the death of the colonel. nent physician, who was remarkable for his at.
MUTUAL PITY. tachment to money. Assoon as the doctor arrived, he went to his desk to deposit the fees he had re Tom ever jovial, ever gay, ceived in the morning. " Pray," said his friend,
To appetite a slave, “what are you about ?"-" I am laying up trea Still whores and drinks his life away, sure in heaven," replied the doctor.
" The more
And laughs to see me grave. fool you,” rejoined the inquirer," for you'll never
'Tis thus that we two disagree, go there to enjoy it."
So diff'rent is our whim;
The fellow fondly laughs at me,
While I could cry for him. theatre, how much he thought Covent-garden
DEAN SWIFT. would hold. “ I could tell you to a shilling," replied the manager, “ if you would play Richard Dean Swift's barber one day told him that he in it."
had taken a public-house.
" And what's your
sign?” said the dean. “Oh, the pole and bason, THE AVARO.
and if your worship would just write me a few Thus to the master of a house,
lines to put upon it, by way of motto, I have no Which, like a church, would starve a mouse ; doubt but it would draw me plenty of customWhich never guest had entertain'd,
ers.” The dean took out his pencil and wrote the Nor meat, nor wine, its floors had stain'd; following couplet. I said ;-" Well, sir, 'tis vastly neat ;
“ Rove not from pole to pols, but step in here, But where l' you drink, and where d’you eat:
Where nought excels the shaving, but the beer,”
ONE EVIL BETTER THAN TWO.
A merchant having sustained a considerable loss, A thief being about to be hanged, the ordinary desired his son not to mention it to any body. bade him be of good cheer, “ for this night," said The youth promised silence, but at the same time be, “thor shalt sup with the Lord in Paradise.”' requested to know what advantage could attend “I am much obliged to you," replird the other,
“ If you divulge this loss,” said the father, "but I had rather be excused, for I am no supper.
we shall have two cvils to support instead of Vinn.
onc-uur own grief, and the joy of our neighbours."
POVERTY. The late Hely Hutchinson was so ambitious that the Marquis of Townshend said of him, Buckingham, was saying one day to a friend, ".
Villiers, the witty and extravagant Duke of England and Ireland were given to him, he would am afraid I shall die a beggar at last, which is tlıc solicit the Isle of Man for a potatoe garden."
most terrible thing in the world.”—"Upon any ON A HASTY MARRIAGE.
word, my lord,” said his friend," there is another Marry'd ! 'tis well! a mighty blessing!
thing more terrible, which you have reason to apBut poor's the joy no coin possessing.
prehend, and that is, that you will live a beggar at In ancient times, when folks did wed,
the rate you go on.” 'Twas to be one at' board and bed;'
THE DROPSICAL MAN.
A jolly, brave toper, who could not forbcar,
Though his life was in danger, old port and stale During the French Revolution, a British ad
beer, miral was one day told by a gentleman, “ that he gave the doctor the hearing-but still would would find the French fight in a different way now, as they would fight for their liberties." _“1 Till the dropsy bad swell’d him as big as a ton ; am glad to bear it,” said the gallant officer, “ for The more he took physic, the worse still he grew, they have hitherto given us a d-d deal of trouble And tapping was now the last thing he couli do. ruoning after them.”
Affairs at this crisis, and doctors come down,
He began to consider-so sent for his son.
Tom, see by what courses l're shorten'd my life, Malherbe, speaking of the wickedness of man. I'm leaving the world ere I'm forty and five ; kind, said, " Why when there were only three or More than probable’tis, that in twenty-four hours, four persons in the world, one of them killed his This manor, this house, and estate will be yours; brother.”
My early excesses may teach you this truth,
That 'tis working for death to drink hard in one's Some one saying to a gentleman who had been youth. minister at several courts, what a happy man he Says Tom (who's a lad of generous spirit, inust have been to have conversed with so many And not like young rakes, who're in haste to ipcrowned heads. “ Faith,” replied he, “ I never
herit) could find that out; they were the dullest com- Sir, don't be dishearten'd; although it be true, pany I ever kept,”
The operation is painful, and hazardous too,
'Tis no more than what many a man has gone VARIETY OF PIES.
through. Swift was once asked by a lady what he would And then, as for years, you may yet be called bave for dinner? “ Will you have an apple-pie, young, sir ?-will you have a gooseberry-pie, sir?-will Your life after this may be happy and long. you have a cherry-pie, sir :-will you have a cur- Don't flatter me, Tom, was the father's reply, rant-pie, siri-will you have a plum-pie, sir :- With a jest in his mouth and a tear in his eye: will you have a pigeon-pie, sir?"-" Any pie, Too well, by experience, my vessels thou know'st, madam," answered Swift,“ but a mag-pie." No sooner are tapp'd, but they give up the ghost.
COMPLAINTS ON BOTH SIDES.
CHAXCERY. A lieutenant-colonel of one of the Irish regi A young gentleman, who had stolen a ward, ments in the French service, being dispatched to being in suit for her fortune before a late lordthe king, with a complaint relating to some irre-chancellor, and the counsel insisting much on the gularities that had happened in the regiment, his equity of decreeing her a fortune for their mailmajesty told him, that the Irish troops gave him tenance, his lordship turned briskly upon him more uneasiness than all his forces besides. “Sir,” with this sentence, That, since the suitor had said the officer, “ all you majesty's enemies make stolen the flesh, he should get bread to it how he the same complaint.”
could." THE SAILOR'S STARS.
THE CONSCIENTIOUS HERO. A merchant-ship was so violently tossed in a In 1740, Frederick of Prussia set out for Sistorm, that all despaired of safety, and betook lesia with 30,000 men, It was proposed to adorn themselves to prayer, except one mariner, who his standard with the motto Pro Deo et Patriawas continually exclaiming, “Oh, that I could " For God and my Country.” Frederick crased see two stars, or but one of the two!" At length the naine of God, observing, " That it was improper a person asked him," what two stars, or what to introduce the name of the Deity in the quarrels one star he meant?" He replied, “ Oh! that 1 of men, and that he was going to war for a Procould see the Star in Cheapside, or the Star in vince and not for Religion.” Coleman-street, I don't care which."
ON A BAD SINGER.
When screech-owls screech, their note portends Two ladies just returning from Bath, were tell
To foolishi mortals death of friends; ing a gentleman how they liked the place; the
But when Corvina strains her throat, first had been ill, and found great benefit from the
E'en screcch-owls sicken at the note. waters. Buit, pray, what did you go for?” said
GARRICK'S SATIRE. he to the second. Mere wantonness,” replied sbe. “ And pray, madam,” said he, “ did it cure Garrick was on : visit at Hagley, when news you.”
came that a coinpany of players were going to
perform at Birminghain. Lord Lyttletov said to ON A STATUE OF APOLLO CROWNING MERIT. Garrick, “ They will hear you are in the neighMerit, if thou’rt blest with riches,
bourhood, and will ask you to write an address to
Ye sons of iron, copper, brass, and steel
Who have not heads to think, nor hearts to feel" An Englislı gentleman asked Sir Richard Stecle, “ 0,” cried his lordship, “ if you begin thus, who was an Irishman, what was the reason that they will hiss the players of the stage, and pull his countrymen were so remarkable for blunder the house down."?
-"My Jord,” said Garrick, ing? “Faitb," said the knight, “ there is soinc what is the use of an address, if it does not thing in the air of Ireland ; and, I dare say, if an come home to the business and bosoms of the auEnglishman was born there he would do the same.' dience?"
THE OLD PLAN.
children have you?” -“ Four, sire." Shortly A gentleman calling on Foote, in an elegant after, the king asked the same question. “Four, new phætoo, desired Foote would come to the sire," replied the nobleman. The same question door, just to look at it. " It is a pretty thing,'
was several times repeated by the king in the said be, “and I have it upon a new plan.”
course of conversation, and the same answer was “Before I set my eyes on it," said Foote, “ I am given. At length the king asking once more, afraid you bave it upon the old plan-never to
* How many children have you ?" the nobleman pay for it.”
.”_" What,” cried the king,
with surprise, “six ! you told me four, just now.
—“ Sire,” replied the courtier, “ I thought your Says epicure Quio, should the devil in hell majesty would be tired of hearing the same thing in fishing for men take delight,
HODGE AND THE DOCTOR.
With a big bottle-nose, and an acre of chin,
His whole physiognomy ugly as sin, When Judge Day returned from India, the With a huge grizzle wig, and triangular hat, prime-minister represented to his late majesty And a snuff- besmear'd handkerchief tied over that, that knighthood was an honour to which the Doctor Bos, riding out on his old Rozinante, judge was entitled. “ Poh, poh,” said his ma- In hair very rich, but in flesh very scanty, jesty,“ I cannot turn day into night; it is impos- Was a little alarm'd out of fear for his bones, sible." At the next levee, which was about Seeing Hodge cross the way with a barrow of Christmas, bis majesty was again entreated to stones. knight Mr. Day. The king inquired if he was Hip! friend, cried the doctor, with no little force, married, and was answered in the affirmative. Do set down your barrow, you'll frighten my “ Well, well,” said the monarch,“ then let him horse. be introduced, and I will work a couple of mi. Hodge quickly replied, like an Erskine or Garrow, racles, I will not only turn Day into Knight, but You're a great deal more likely to frighten my I will also make Lady Day at Christmas."
barrow. PHILOSOPHER OUTWITTED.
PRACTICAL EQUIVOQUE A learned doctor being very busy in his study, a little girl came to ask him for some fire.
A young lady having purchased an assortment “ Bet,” says the doctor, “ you bave nothing to of music in a warehouse, on returning to her cartake it in.”—As he was going to fetch something riage recollected a piece she had forgotten.
" Sir,” she said, re-entering the shop," there is for that purpose, the little girl stooped down at the fire-place, and taking some cold ashes on one
-" What is that, ma
one thing I have omitted.' hand she put live embers on them with the other. dam?".inquired the young music-seller. “It is, The astonished doctor threw down his hooks, say on' which the youth vaulted over the table, and
sir,” said the lady,“ One kind kiss before se part, ing, “ with all my learning, I should never have
saluted the fair stranger. found out that expedient.”
BALANCE OF BEAUTY, COURTLY HINT. One day, at the levce of Louis XIV. that mo. A man of fashion, who was remarkably illnarch asked a nobleman present, “How many looking, but very vain, kepi a valet, whose coun
tenance was not much more amiable than his own.
DEATH AND THE DOCTOR. One day, the servant, while dressing his master, offended him, and he exclaimed, " What an ugly
As Doctor - musing sat, dog!” The fellow, who observed his master at Death saw, and came without delay: the same time very attentive at his glass, said,
Enters the room, begins the chat, “ Which of us do you mean, sir :''}
With “ Doctor, why so thoughtful, pray ?” THE BITBR BIT.
The doctor startech from his place,
But soon they more familiar grew; Mr. Curran one day enquiring his master's age And then he told his piteous case, from an horse-jockey's servant, he found it almost
How trade was low, and friends were few. impossible to extract an answer. “ Come, come, friend, has he not lost his teeth ?”-“ Do you “ Away with fear,” the phantom said, think,” retorted the fellow, “ that know his As soon as he had heard his tale ; age as he does his horses, by the mark of his “ Take my advice, and mend your trade; mouth.” The laugh was against Curran, but he
We both are losers if you fail, instantly recovered—" You were very right not
“Go write ; your wit in satire shovi, to try, friend; for you know your master's a great
No matter whether smart or true ; bite.'
Call -- pames, the greatest foc
To dullness, folly, pride, and you, Counsellor Grady, on a trial in Ireland, said " Then copies spread, where lies the trick, " he recollected to have heard of a relentless
Among your friends be sure you send 'em ; judge who was never known to have shed a tear For all who read will soon grow sick, but once, and that was during the representation And when you're call'd upon attend 'em. of the Bezgar's Opera, when Macheath got a reprieve." The same judge once asked Curran,
“ Thus trade increasing by degrees, at a dinner table, whether the dish near him was
Doctor, we both shall have our ends; hung beef, because if it was he should try it ;
For you are sure to have your fees, Curran replied, “ If you try it, my lord, it is sure
And I am sure to have your friends." to be hung."
A FAULT IN CANDLES.
A gentleman ordering a box of candles, said he On Dr. Lettsom's manner of signing his pre- hoped they would be better than the last. The scriptions, “ I. Lettsom."
chandler said he was very sorry to hear them comWhen patients sad to me apply,
plained of. “Why," said the other, they are I physics, bleeds, and sweats 'em; very well till about half burnt down, but after If after all they choose to die,
that they would burn no longer.”
COMPANIONS IN EXIT.
A gentleman hearing of the death of another, Milton was asked by a friend, whellier he would " I thought,” said he, to a person in company, instruct his doughters in the different languages; you told ine that Tom Wilson's fever was gone to which he replied, " No, sir, one tougue is suffi- off?"-"O) yes,” replied the other, cient for a woman.'
to mention that he was gone off nlong with it."
“ but I forgot