watch,

What is Bon Ton ?"—" Oh! damme !” cries a buck, | Nothing but nonsense e'er gave laughter birth,
Half drunk-" Ask me, my dear, and you're in luck: That vulgar way the vulgar show their mirth.
Bon Ton's to swear,
break windows, beat the Laughter's a rude convulsion, sense that justles,
Disturbs the cockles, and distorts the muscles.
Hearts may
be black, but all should wear clean faces;
The graces, boy! The graces, graces, graces!"
Such is Bon Ton! and walk this city through,
In building, scribbling, fighting, and virtù,
And various other shapes, 'twill rise to view.

Pick a wench, drink health, and roar a catch.
up
Keep it up! keep it up! damme, take your swing!
Bon Ton is life, my boy; Bon Ton's the thing!"
"Ah! I loves life, and all the joys it yields,"
Says Madam Fussock, warm from Spitalfields.

"Bon Ton's the space 'twixt Saturday and Monday,To-night our Bayes, with bold, but careless tints,

And riding in a one-horse chaise o' Sunday!
'Tis drinking tea, en summer afternoons,

At Bagnigge-Wells, with china and gilt spoons!
'Tis laying by our stuffs, red cloaks, and pattens,
To dance cowtitions all in silks and satins!"
"Vulgar!"-cries Miss-" Observe, in higher life,
The feather'd spinster, and thrice-feather'd wife:
The club's Bon Ton. Bon Ton's a constant trade
Of rout, festino, ball, and masquerade!
'Tis plays and puppet-shows-tis something new ;
'Tis losing thousands every night at loo.
Nature it thwarts, and contradicts all reason;
'Tis stiff French stays, and fruit-when out of season!
A rose, when half-a-guinea is the price;
A set of bays, scarce bigger than six mice.
To visit friends you never wish to see ;
Marriage 'twixt those who never can agree;
Old dowagers, dress'd, painted, patch'd, and
This is Bon Ton, and this we call the world !"
“True,” says my lord," and thou my only son,
Whate'er your faults, ne'er sin against Bon Tou!
Who toils for learning at a public school,
And digs for Greek and Latin, is a fool.
French, French, my boy's the thing! jasez! prate,

chatter!

Hits off a sketch or two like Darly's prints.

Should connoisseurs allow his rough draughts strike

'em,

An epicure, on entering the Bedford coffee-house, inquired, "What have you got for dinner, Johu?" "Any thing you please, sir." "Oh! but what vegetables?" The waiter named the usual légumes in season; when the gentleman, after having ordered two mutton chops, said, "John! have you any cu cumbers?" "No, sir, there are not any, I believe, yet produced, 'tis so very early in the season; but, if you please, I will step into the market, and inquire the price, if any." The waiter returned. Why, sir, there a few, but they are very dear; they are a curl'd-guinea a piece." A guinea a pièce ! are they small or large?" "Why, sir, they are rather small.' Then buy two." Just so it is with us all, saving at one end, and running out at the other.

Trim be the mode, whipt-syllabub the matter!
Walk like a Frenchinan; for, on English pegs,
Moves native awkwardness with two left legs.
Of courtly friendship form a treacherous league,
Seduce men's daughters, with their wives intrigue;
In sightly semicircles round your nails,

APOLOGY FOR NAKEDNESS.

Unless that Freezeland cur, cold winter, offer to bite thee, walk a while up and down thy chamber, either in thy thin shirt only, or else (which, at a bare word, is both more decent and more delectable) strip thyselt stark naked. Are we not born so! And Shall a foolish custom make us to break the laws of our creation? Our first parents, so long as they went naked, were suffered to dwell in Paradise; but after they

Keep your teeth clean-and grin, if small-talk fails:got coats to their backs, they were turned out of But never laugh, whatever jest prevails :

doors. Put on, therefore, either no apparel at all,

or put it on carelessly for look how much more de-
licate liberty is than bondage; so much is the loose-
ness of wearing of our attire above the imprisonment
of being neatly and tailor-like drest up in it. To be
ready in our clothes is to be ready for nothing else
a man looks as if he be hung in chains, or like a
scarecrow. And as those excellent birds, whom Pliny
could never have the wit to catch in all his springes,
commonly called woodcocks, whereof there is great
store in England, having all their feathers pluckt
from their backs, and being turned out as naked as
Plato's cock was before all Diogenes' scholars, or
as the cuckoo in Christmas, are more fit to come to
any knight's board, and are indeed more serviceable,
than when they are lapt in their warm liveries; even
so stands the case with mau. Truth, because the
bald-pate her father, Time, has no hair to cover his
head, goes, when she goes best, stark naked; but
Falsehood has ever a cloak for the rain. You see
likewise that the lion, being the king of beasts; the
horse, being the lustiest creature; the unicorn, whose
horn is worth half a city; all these go with no more
clothes on their backs than what nature hath be-
stowed upon them: but your baboons and your
jackanapes, being the scum and rascality of all the
hedge-creepers, they go in jerkins and mandilions.
Marry how? They are put into their rags only in
mockery.

of nightingales' tongues in Heliogabalus' kitchen? No, no; the first suit of apparel, that ever mortal man put on, came neither from the mercer's shop, nor the merchant's warehouse: Adam's bill would have been taken then, sooner than a knight's bond now; yet was he great in nobody's books for satin and velvets. The silkworms had something else to do in those days, than to set up looms and be free of the weavers: his breeches were not so much worth as K. Stephen's, that cost but a poor noble; for Adam's holyday hose and doublet were of no better stuff than plain fig-leaves, and Eve's best gown of the same piece; there went but a pair of shears between them. An antiquary in this town has yet some of the powder of those leaves dried to show. Tailors then were none of the twelve companies: their hall, that now is larger than some dorpes among the Netherlands, was then no bigger than a Dutch butcher's shop: they durst not strike down their customers with large bills: Adam cared not an appleparing for all their lousy hems. There was then neither the Spanish slop, nor the skipper's galligaskin, the Switzer's blistered codpiece, nor the Danish sleeve sagging down like a Welch wallet, the Italian's close strosser, nor the French standing collar: your treblequadruple dædalian ruffs, nor your stiffnecked rabatos, that have more arches for pride to row under, than can stand under five London bridges, durst nct Good clothes are the embroidered trappings of then set themselves out in print; for the patent for pride, and good cheer the very eryngo-root of glut- starch could by no means be signed. Fashion then tony; so that fine backs and fat bellies are coach- was counted a disease, and horses died of it: but horses to two of the seven deadly sins, in the boots now, thanks to folly, it is held the only rare physic; of which coach Lechery and Sloth sit like the wait-and the purest golden asses live upon it." ing maid. In a most desperate state therefore do tailors and cooks stand, by means of their offices; for both those trades are apple-squires to that couple of sins. The one invents more fantastic fashions, than France hath worn since her first stone was laid; the other more lickerish Epicurean dishes, than were ever served up to Gallonius's table. Did man, think you, come wrangling into the world about no better matters, than all his lifetime to make privy searches in Birchin-lane for whalebone doublets, or for pies

ADVENTURES OF A LOUSE.

"I was hatched in the head of a boy about eigh: years old, who was placed under the care of a parish nurse, and educated at the charity-school. In this place, as in a populous city, I soen obtained a settlement; and, as our state of adolescence is short, had in a few months a numerous family. This, indeed, was the happiest period of my life; I suffered little apprehension from the comb or the razor, and fore

saw no misfortune, except that our country should be thump on the back, brought the whole secret to light; overstocked, and we should be compelled to wander, and the delinquent, that he might be at once purified like the barbarians of the North, in search of another. and punished, was carried to the next pump, where But it happened that the lord of our soil, in an evil his head was held under the spout till he had rehour, went with some of his companions to Highgate.ceived the discipline of a pickpocket. He was indeed Just at the top of the hill was a stage and a mounte- very near being drowned; but his sufferings were bank, where several feats of wit and humour were nothing in comparison of ours. We were overwhelmperformed by a gentleman with a gridiron upon his ed with a second inundation; the cataracts, which back, who assisted the doctor in his vocation. We burst upon us with a noise tenfold more dreadful than were presently in the midst of the crowd, and soon thunder, swept us by hundreds before them, and the after upon the stage; which the boy was persuaded few that remained would not have had strength to to ascend, that, by a sudden stroke of conjuration, a keep their hold against the impetuosity of the torrent, great quantity of gold might be conveyed under his if it had continued a few minutes longer. I was still hat. Under his hat, however, the dextrous, but mis- among those that escaped; and after we had a little chievous operator, having imperceptibly conveyed a recovered from our fright, we found that, if we had rotten egg, clapped his hand smartly upon it, and lost our friends, we were released from the viscous showed the aurum potabile running down on each durance which our own strength could never have side, to the unspeakable delight of the beholders, but broken. We were also delivered from the dread of to the great disappointment of the boy, and the total an emigration and a famine; and taking comfort in ruin of our community. these reflections, we were enabled to reconcile ourselves without murmuring, to the fate of those who had perished.

"It is impossible to describe the confusion and distress which this accident instantly produced among us; we were at once buried in a quag, intolerably noisome, and insuperably viscid: those who had been overturned in its passage, found it impossible to recover their situation; and the few who, happening to lie near the borders of the suffusion, had with the utmost efforts of their strength crawled to those parts which it had not reached, laboured in vain to free themselves from shackles which every moment became more strong as the substance which formed them grew more hard, and threatened in a short time totally to deprive them of all power of motion. I was myself among this number, and cannot even now recollect my situation without shuddering at my danger. In the mean time the candidate for enchanted gold, who in the search of pleasure had found only dirt and hunger, weariness and disappointment, reflecting that his stolen holyday was at an end, returned forlorn and disconsolate to his nurse. The nose of this good woman was soon offended by an unsavoury smell, and it was not long before she discovered whence it proceeded. A few questions, and a good

"But the series of misfortunes which I have been doomed to suffer, without respite, was now begun. The next day was Holy Thursday; and the stupendous being, who, without labour, carried the ruins of our state in procession to the bounds of his parish, thought fit to break his wand into a cudgel as soon as he came home. This he was impatient to use; and in an engagement with an adversary, who had armed himself with the like weapon, he received a stroke upon his head, by which my favourite wife and three children, the whole remains of my family, were crushed to atoms in a moment. I was myself so near as to be thrown down by the concussion of the blow; and the boy immediately scratching his head to alleviate the smart, was within a hair of destroying me with his nail.

"I was so terrified at this accident, that I crept down to the nape of his neck, where I continued all the rest of the day; and at night when he retired to eat his crust of bread in the chimney-corner, I coneluded that I should at least be safe till the morning,

and therefore began my repast, which the dangers and | stood with his hand in a public assembly, stooped misfortunes of the day had prevented. Whether down, and holding up his hat to bis face, directed so having long fasted, my bite was more keen than violent a blast towards me from his mouth, that I usual, or whether I had made my attack in a more vanished before it like an atom in a whirlwind, and sensible part, I cannot tell, but the boy suddenly the next moment found myself in the toupee of a batthrust up his fingers with so much speed and dex- tered beau, whose attention was engrossed by the terity, that he laid hold of me, and aimed with all widow of a rich citizen, with whose plum he hoped his force to throw me into the fire: in this savage at- to pay his debts and procure a new mistress. tempt he would certainly have succeeded, if I had "In this place the hair was so thin, that it scarce not stuck between his finger and his nail, and fell afforded me shelter; except a single row of curls on short upon some linen that was hanging to dry. each side, where the powder and grease were insuperable obstacles to my progress: here, however, I continued near a week, but it was in every respect a dreadful situation. I lived in perpctual solitude and danger, secluded from my species, and exposed to the cursed claws of the valet, who persecuted me every morning and every night. In the morning, it was with the utmost difficulty that I escaped from being kneaded up in a lump of pematum, or squeezed to death between the burning forceps of a crisping-iron; and at night, after I had with the utmost vigilance and dexterity evaded the comb, I was still liable to be thrust through the body with a pin.

"The woman, who took in washing, was employed by a laundress of some distinction; and it happened that I had fallen on the shift-sleeve of a celebrated toast, who frequently made her appearance at court. I concealed myself with great caution in the plaits, and the next night had the honour to accompany her into the drawing-room, where she was surrounded by rival beauties, from whom she attracted every eye, and stood with the utmost composure of mind and countenance in the centre of admiration and desire. In this situation I became impatient of confinement, and, after several efforts, made my way out by her tucker, hoping to have passed on under her handker- "I frequently meditated my escape, and formed chief to her head but in this hope I was disappoint- many projects to effect it, which I afterwards abaned, for handkerchief she had none. I was not, how-doned either as dangerous or impracticable. I ob ever, willing to go back; and as my station was the served that the valet had a much better head of hair principal object of the whole circle, I was soon dis- than his master, and that he sometimes wore the sare covered by those who stood near. They gazed at me bag; into the bag, therefore, one evening, I dewith eager attention, and sometimes turned towards scended with great circumspection, and was removed cach other with very intelligent looks; but of this the with it; nor was it long before my utmost expecta lady took no notice, as it was the common effect of tions were answered, for the valet tied on my dormithat profusion of beauty which she had been used to tory to his own hair the very next morning, and I pour upon every eye: the emotion, however, at length gained a new settlement. increased till she observed it, and glancing her eye downward with a secret exultation, she discovered the cause. Pride instantly covered those cheeks with blushes which modesty had forsaken; and as I was now become sensible of my dange, I was hasting to Testeat. At the anda at a young wobler sp, who per iser that the lady was becatoe sensible of her dis grace, and who, perhaps, thought that it might be dermed an indecormą to approach the place where

"But the bag was not the only part of the master's dress which was occasionally appropriated by the servant; who being scon after my exploit detected in wearing a lace frock before it had been left off, was turned away at a minute's warning, and, despairing to obtain a character returned to the occupation in which he had been bied, and became jononeva in bi a baiber in the city who, upon seeing a spe his skill to dress hair à-la-mode de la caur, was wili

ing to receive him without a scrupulous examination | After I had contributed to their astonishment and diversion near an hour, I was left with the utmost in

of his morals.

This change in the situation of may patron was of humanity and ingratitude to perish of bunger, imgreat advantage to me; for I began to have more mured between the two pieces of isinglass, through company and less disturbance. But among other which I had been exhibited. In this condition I repersons whom he attended every morning to shave, mained three days and three nights; and should cerwas an elderly gentleman of great repute for natural taiuly have perished in the fourth, if a boy about seven knowledge; a fellow of many foreign societies, and a years old, who was carelessly left alone in the room, profound adept in experimental philosophy. This had not poked his finger through the hole in which I gentlemaan having conceived a design to repeat was confiaed, and once more set me at liberty. I was, Leuenhoeck's experiments upon the increase of our however, extremely weak; and the window being species, inquired of the proprietor of my dwelling if open, I was blown into the street, and fell on the unhe could help him to a subject. The man was at first covered periwig of a doctor of physic, who had just startled at the question; but it was no sooner compre- alighted to visit a patient. This was the first time I hended, than he pulled out an ivory comb, and pro-had ever entered a periwig; a situation which I duced myself and two associates, one of whom died scarce less deprecated than the microscope; I found soon after of the hurt he received. it a desolate wilderness, without inhabitants and with

we

ble labour; but I knew not in what direction, and despaired of being ever restored either to food or rest. My spirits were at length exhausted, my gripe relaxed, and I fell, almost in a state of insensibility, from the verge of the labyrinth in which I had been bewildered, into the head of a patient in the hospital; over whom, after my fall, I could just perceive the doctor leaning to look at his tongue.

"The sage received us with thanks, and very care-out bounds. I continued to traverse it with incredifully conveyed us into his stocking, where, though it was not a situation perfectly agreeable to our nature, produced a numerous progeny. Here, however, I suffered new calamity, and was exposed to new dan. ger. The philosopher, whom a sedentary and recluse life had rendered extremely susceptible of cold, would often sit with his shins so near the fire, that we were almost scorched to death before we could get round to the calf for shelter. He was also subject to frequent abstractions of mind; and at these times many of us have been miserably destroyed by his broth or his tea; which he would hold so much on one side, that it would run over the vessel, and overflow us with a scalding deluge from his knee to his ancle: nor was this all; for when he felt the smart, he would rub the part with his hand, without reflecting upon his nursery, till he had crushed great part of those that had escaped. Still, however, it was my fortune to survive for new adventures.

"By the warmth and nourishment which this place afforded me, I soon revived. I rejoiced at my deliverance, and thought I had nothing to fear but the death of the patient in whose head I had taken shelter.

"I was, however, soon convinced of my mistake; for, among other patients in the same ward, was a child about six years old, who having been put in for a rupture, had fallen into the jaundice. For this disease the nurse, in the absence of the physician, prescribed a certain number of my species to be adminis"The philosopher, among other visitants whose tered alive in a spoonful of milk. A collection was curiosity he was pleased to gratify, was sometimes immediately made, and I was numbered among the favoured with the company of ladies; for the enter- unhappy victims which ignorance and inhumanity had tainment of a lady it was my misfortune to be one thus devoted to destruction; I was immerged in the Torning taken from my family when I least suspected potion, and saw myself approach the horrid jaws that is, and secured in the apparate of a solar microscope. [I expected would the next moment close over me,