Provided ever that your pish and fie,
On all occasions, should be deem'd a lie.
M. Gr. Hard teims!

On this rejoinder then I rest my cause:
Should all pay homage to truth's sacred laws,
Let us examine what would be the case;
Why, many a great man would be out of place.
O, Wild. Twould many a virtuous character

store.

M. Gr. But take a character from many more.

see him among the men of most note and substance, and at the theatre he is always close to the people of rank and fashion. He buys nothing for himself, but purchases little presents for his friends abroad, whica he takes care to make known through all the cis, He keeps monkeys, doves, vases, and every sort of knick-knack and curiosity, for the amusement of his re-friends: he fits up in his mansion a little wrestlingroom and a tennis-court; he goes about to the phillosophers, the sophists; the teachers of fencing and

O. Wild. Strong are your reasons, yet, ere I sub-dancing, and offers them the use of his rooms for the

mit,

I mean to take the voices of the pit.

Is it your pleasure that we make a rule,
That ev'ry liar be proclaim'd a fool,
Fit subjects for our author's ridicule ?

THE COMPLAISANT MAN.

exercise of their respective arts; and takes care himself to be present at their exhibitions, to give sene spectator the opportunity of saying to another.--That is the gentleman to whom this place belon_s"

THECPIRASTUS.

PROLOGUE UPON PROLOGUES TO THE DEUCE IS IN 8%.

And, egad, it will do for any other play as well as

this.

An old trite proverb let me quote-
As is your cloth, so cut your coat.
To suit our autlior, and his farce,
Short let me be, for wit is scarce;
Nor would I show it, had I any;
The reasons why are strong and many.
Should I have wit, the piece have none,
A flash in pan with empty gun,
The piece is sure to be undone.
A tavern with a gaudy sign,
Whose bush is better than the wine,
May cheat you once-Will that device,
Neat as imported, cheat you twice?

Complaisance may be defined, an address which aims at pleasing by disreputable means. The complaisant is one who salutes a man at a distance, calls him the best of creatures, seizes both his hands with expressions of admiration, and will not let him go: he insists upon accompanying him a little way, teazes him with inquiries of "When he shall have the honour of seeing him," and at last leaves him with exclamations of praise. If he is called to an arbitration between two parties, he is not more anxious to please the person for whom he appears than his opponent, that he may be called impartial and a common friend. He tells foreigners that their pronunciation is superior to that of the natives. When invited to dinner, he entreats the host to call in his children, and when they come, he observes, that one 'Tis wrong to raise your expectations; fig is not more like another than they to their father: Poets, be dull in dedications! he takes and kisses them, and makes them sit by Dulness in these to wit prefer—— him with some of them he cracks childish jokes, But there, indeed, you seldom err. and others he dandles to sleep on his knee, at the In prologues, prefaces, be flat! same time feeling the greatest discomfort and incon- A silver button spoils your hat. venience. He is shaved with the greatest nicety, A thread-bare coat might jokes escape, and whitens his teeth with dentifrice: he changes Did not the blockheads lace the cape. his garments before they have the least soil, and al-A case in point to this before ye; ways smells of perfumes. On the forum you always Allow me, pray, to tell a story.

BAVIS

To turn the penny once a wit

Upon a curious fancy hit.

Hung out a board, on which he boasted,
Dioner for three-pence, boil'd and roasted!
The hungry read, and in they trip,
With eager eye, and smacking lip-
"Here! bring this boil'd and roasted, pray-"
Enter potatoes, dress'd each way.

All star'd and rose, the house forsook,
And damn'd the dinner-kick'd the cook.
My landlord found, poor Patrick Kelly!
There was no joking with the belly.

These facts laid down, then thus I reason,
Wit in a prologue's out of season.
Yet still you wags for jokes sit watching,
Like Cock-lane folks for Fanny's scratching.
And here my simile's so fit,

For prologues are but ghosts of wit;
Which mean to show their art and skill,
And scratch you to their author's will.
In short, for reasons great and small,
'Tis better to have none at all.
Prologues and ghosts!-a paltry trade-
So let 'em both at once be laid!

Say but the word-give your commands,
We'll tie our prologue-monger's hands:

to the said Lapstone, and took refuge in the cobbler's state bed.

The parties being of course in the most opulent circumstances, consulted counsel learned in the law. The result was, that Goody Grim was determined to bring an action against Lapstone, for the loss of her pig with a curly tail; and Lapstone to bring an action against Goody Grim, for the loss of a quart bottle full of Hollands gin; and Mordecai to bring an action against them both, for the loss of a tee- totum, that fell out of his pocket in the rencontre. They all delivered their briefs to counsel, before it was considered, they were all parties, and no witness. But Goody Grim, like a wise old lady as she was, now changed her battery; and was determined to bring an action against Lapstone, and bind over Mordecai as an evidence.

The indictment set forth, that he, Lapstone, not having the fear of the assizes before his eyes, but being moved by pig, and instigated by pruinsence, did, on the first day of April, a day sacred in the annals of the law, steal, pocket, hide, and crib divers that is to say, five hundred hogs, sows, boars, pigs and porkers, with curly tails, and did secret the said five hundred hogs, sows, boars, pigs, and porkers, with curly tails, in said Lapstone's bed, against the

Confine these culprits! [holding up his hands.] peace of our Lord the king, bis crown and dignity.

bind 'em tight:

This trial happened in a certain town, which, for reasons, shall be nameless, and is as follows:-Goody Grim inhabited an alms-house, No. 2. Will Lap. stone, a superannuated cobbler, inhabited No. 3, and a certain Jew pellar, who happened to pass throuch the town where those alms-houses were situated, could only think of No. 1. Goody Grom was in the act of killing one of her own proper pigs, but the animai disliking the ceremony, burst fioia her hold, and ran through the semicircular legs of the aforesaid Jew, knocked him in the mud, ran back to Will Lapstone's, the cobbler, upset a quart bottle full of gin, belonging|

Mordecai was examined by counsellor Puzzle. "Well, sir; What are you?"

"I sells old clo's, and sealing wax, and puckles." "I did not ask you what you sold; I ask you what you are?"

THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER.

"So, you will walk along in spite of all that can be said."

"Pless ma heart, you frighten me out of my vitsas I vas valking along I seed de unclean animal coming towards me--and so says I-Oh! Father Abraham, says I."

"Father Abraham is no evidence."

"You must let me tell my story my own vay, or I can not tell it all. As I vas valking along, I seed de unclean animal coming towards me. Oh, father Abraham, said I, here comes de unclean animal towards me, and he runn'd between my leg, and upshet me in de inut."

"Now, do you mean to say, upon your oath, that little animal had the power to upset you in

mud."

the

And pray, sir, on what side did you fall."

"On te mutty side."

"How te devil should I, when I have been polishing ma goods all te morning."

totum is derived from the Latin terms of te and tutum, Now, my lord, your lordship is aware that teewhich means, "keep yourself safe." And this mau, but for my sagacity, observation, and so forth, would have kept himself safe; but now he has, as the learned lord Verulum expresses it, let the cat out of the bag."

I vill take ma oath I had no cat in my bag."

vend a tee-totum. Now, my lord, and gentlemen of "My lord, by his own confession, he was about to tee-totum is an unlawful machine, made of ivory, the jury, it is my duty to point out to you, that à with letters printed upon it, for the purpose of gan known by the name of little-go act, expressly forbids bling. Now, your lordship knows the act, commonly all games of chance whatever. Whether put, whist, marbles, swabs, tee-totum, chuckfarthing, dumps, er And, therefore, I do contend, that the

what not.

"I mean, on which of your own sides did you man's evidence is contra bonos mores, and he is confall ?"

"I fell on my left side."

"Now, on your oath, was it your left side?'
"I vill take my oath it vas my left side."
66 And pray,
what did you do when you fell down?"
"I got up again as fast as I could."

sequently non compos testimonæ,"

Counsellor Botherem then rose up, "My lord, and gentlemen of the jury, my learned friend Puzzle has, in a most facetious manner, endeavoured to east a slur on the highly honourable evidence of the Jew merchant. And I do contend, that he who buys and sells is bona fide inducted into all the mysteries of I vill take ma oath his tail was so curly as my intents and purposes, a merchant. My learned friend, merchandise; ergo, he who merchandises, is, to all peerd." And pray, where was you going when this hap-handling the tec-totum, can only be called obiter dicin the twistings and turnings of his argument in

Perhaps you can tell me whether the pig had a curly tail?"

pened?"

"I vas going to the sign of de cock and pottle." Now, on your oath, what had a cock to do with

46

a bottle?"

"I don't know; only it vas the sign of de house. And all more vat I know vas, dat I lose an ivory tee-actly similar to this, in the 234th folio volume of the totum out of ma pocket."

tumhe is playing, my lord, a losing game. Gen the tee-totum; but, gentlemen, he has forgot to tell tlemen, he has told you the origin, use, and abuse of learned Coke, has said on the subject, in a case exyou what that great luminary of the law, the late

"Oh, you lost a tee-totum, did you? I thought we should bring you to something at last. My lord, I beg leave to take an exception to this man's evidence! he does not come into court with clean hands."

abridgement of the statutes, page 1349, where he
thus lays down the law, in the case of Hazard versus
Blacklegs,—“ Gamblendum consistet, enactum gam-
blendi sed non evendum macheni placendi.”
lord, I beg leave to say, that if I prove my client was

My

in the act of vending, and not playing with the said | With some small venom close in ambush lie, instrument, the tee-totum, I humbly presume, that Ready to seize the poor dramatic fly: all my learned friend has said will come to the The weak and heedless soon become their prey, ground." But the strong blue-bottle will force its way, Clean well its wings, and hum another day. Unknown to Nature's laws, we've here one evil; For flies, turn'd spiders, play the very devil! Fearing some danger, I will lay before ye A short, true, recent, tragic-comic story.

"Certainly, brother Botherem, there's no doubt the learned sergeant is incorrect! the law does not put a man extra legium, for merely spinning a teetotum.'

My lord, one of the witnesses has owned that the pig had a curly tail. Now, my lord, I presume, if I prove the pig had a straight tail, I consider the objection must be fatal."

"Certainly. Order the pig into court."

As late I saunter'd in the Park for air, As free from thought as any coxcomb there, Two sparks came up; one whisper'd in my ear, He was a critic; then ask'd me with a sneerHere the pig was produced; and, upon examination, Thus standing, staring-with a swaggering swing, it was found to have a straight tail, which finished the "You've writ a farce ?"-" Yes, sir, a foolish thing." trial. The learned judge, in summing up the evi-"Damn'd foolish-You'd better mind your atting, dence, addressed the jury,-"Gentlemen of the jury, King,

it is wholly unnecessary to recapitulate the evidence; 'Tis ten to one-I speak it for your sake,

for the removal of this objection removes all ground That this same farce will prove-your Wit's last of action. And notwithstanding the ancient statute Stake."

which says, Serium pigum et boreum pigum, et vendi |“ I scribble for amusement, boast no pow'rs."
carlum tailum, there is an irrefragable proof, by
ocular demonstration, that Goody Grim's grunter had
a straight tail, and therefore the prisoner must be
acquitted. And really, gentlemen, if the time of the
court is to be taken up with these frivolous actions,
the designs of justice will be entirely frustrated; and
the attorney who recommends this action should be
punished, not in the ordinary way, but with the ut-
most rigour and severity of the law."

This affair is thrown into Chancery, and it is expected it will be settled about the end of the year 1954.

PROLOGUE TO THE SCHOOL FOR RAKES.

Spoken by Mr. King.

The scribbling gentry, ever frank and free,
To sweep the stage with prologues fix on me.
A female representative I come,
And with a prologue, which I call a broom,
To sweep the critic cobwebs from the room.
Critics, like spiders, into corners creep,

And at new plays their bloody revels keep :

Right, for your own amusement-not for ours."
Thus he went on; and with his pleasant talking,
I lost the appetite I got with walking.
He laugh'd-I bow'd-but, ere I could retreat,
His lisping friend did thus the dose repeat:
" Pray, sir,—this School for Rakes-the woman's
play-
When do you give it us ?"-" Next Saturday;
I hope you'll both be kind to her, at least."
"A scribbling woman is a dreadful beast!
Then they're so ugly, all these female wits-
I'll damn her play-to throw her into fits.
Had I my will, those slattern sluttish dames--
They all should see the bottom of the Thames."
If you are here, good sirs, to breed a riot,

[Looking about the house
Don't show your spite; for if you are not quiet,
'Tis ten to one-I speak it for your sake,
This School for Rakes will prove your Wit's last

Stake.

As you [To the pit] save me from their tyrannic will,
You will not let them use a woman ill.

becomes the wearer, and carries a most pleasing colour; but when the sun-burnt clown makes Lis GARRICK. Mows at it, and, like a barber, shaves it off to the stumps, then it withers and is good for nothing but to be truped up and thrown among jades. How ugly is a bald pate! it looks like a face wanting a nose, or like ground eaten bare with the arrows of archers: whereas a head all hid in hair gives even to a most wicked face a sweet proportion, and looks like a meadow newly married to the spring.