Abbildungen der Seite

people formerly, that loved their county, that did every thing for the good of their country; there were }. Alexander the Great loved his country, and ulius Caesar lov'd his country, and Charles of Sweedland lov'd his country, and Queen Semeriniss, she lov'd her country more than any of 'em ; for she invented solomon gundy ; that's the best eating in the whole world. Now, I'll show you my plan of operations, Mr. Costive ; we'll suppose this drop of punch here to be the main ocean, or the sea; very well—these pieces of cork to be our men of war; very well—now where shall I raise my fortifications ! I wish I had Mr. Major Moncrieff here ; he's the best in the world at raising a fortification.--Oh! I have it, we'll suppose them to be all the strong fortified places in the whole world; such as Fort Omoa, Tilbury Fort, Birgin op zoom, and Tower Ditch, and all the other fortified places all over the world. Now, I'd have all our horse-cavalry wear cork waistcoats, anol all our foot infantry should wear air jackets. Then, sir, they'd cross the sea before you could say Jack Robinson; and where do you think they should land, Mr. Costive; whisper me that ; Ha!—What —When 2–How —You don't know 7–How should 'ou ?—Was you ever in Germany or Bohemia — N. I have ; I understand jography; now they should land in America, under the line, close to the south-pole; there they should land every mother's bahe of 'em ; then there's the Catabaws, and there's the Catawawes; there's the Cherokees, and there's the ruffs and rees ; they are the four great nations; then I takes my Catabaws all across the continent, from Jamaica to Bengal; then they should go to the Medeteranian.--You know where the Medeteranian is ?–No, you know nothing ; I'll tell you ; the Medeteranian is the metropolis of Constantinople : then I'd send a fleet to blockade Paris till the French king had given up Paul Jones; then I'd send for Genroll Clinton and Col. Tarleton ; and—Where was I, Mr. Costive * With Col. Tarleton.—Thank ye—so I was ; but you are so du!), Mr. Costive, you put me out.—Now, I'll explain the whole affair to you ; you shan't miss a word of it — Now, there is the king of

Prussia, and the empress of Russia; the nabob of Arcot, and the king of the Hottentots, are all in the Protestant interest; they make a diversion upon all the cham of Tartary's back settlements; then Sir Guy Carleton comes with a circumbendibus, and retakes all the islands; Rhode Island and all ; and takes 'em here, and there, and there, and here, and everywhere;—there is the whole affair explained at once to you.”


In former times there liv'd one Aristotle,
Who, as the song says, lov’d, like me, his bottle.
To Alexander Magnus he was tutor -
(An't you surpris’d to hear the learned Shuter?)
But let that rest—a new tale I'll advance,
A tale —no, truth ! mun-I'm just come from
From Paris I came ; why I went there, no matter,
I'm glad that once more I'm on this side the water:
'Twas to win a large wager that hurry'd me over;
But I wish'd to be off when I came down to Dover.
To swallow sea-water the doctors will tell ye,
But the sight of such water at once fill'd my belly;
They who choose it for physic may drink of the sea,
But only to think on't is physic for me.
When first I went on board, Lord! I heard such a
Such babbling and squabbling, 'fore and aft', through
the packet;
The passengers bawling, the sailors yo-ho-ing,
The ship along dashing, the winds aloft blowing;
Some sick and some swearing, some singing, some
Sails hoisting, blocks rattling, the yards and booms
creaking ;
Stop the ship !—but the tars, never minding our
Took their chaws, hitch'd their trowsers, and grinn'd
in our faces,
We made Calais soon, and were soon set on shore,
And I trode on French ground, where I ne'er trode

The scene was quite chang'a, ’twas no more yo, yo-ho,
With damme Jack, yes, boy—or damme Tom, no!
'Twas quite t'other thing, mun, 'twas all complai-
sance ;
With cringes and scrapes we were welcom'd to France;
Ah, Monsecr Angloy—they cry’d—be on ven nu,
Tres umble servant, sir, we glad to see you.
I ne'er met such figures before in my rambles,
o flock'd round my carcass like flies in the sham-
bles :
To be crowded amongst them at first I was loth,
For fear they should seize me, and souse me for broth.
At last, tho' they call'd me my Lor Angleterre,
(Lord, had you then seen but my strut and my stare!)
Joe, wee, I cry'd, wee then—and put on a sword ;
So at once Neddy Shuter turn'd into a lord.
I expected at France all the world and his wife,
But I never was balk'd so before in my life:
I should see wonders there, I was told by Monsecr;
So I did, I saw things there were wonderful queer;
Queer streets, and queer houses, with people much
Each one was a talker, but no one a hearer.
I soon had enough of their pallorousee,
It's a fine phrase to some folks, but nonsense to me.
All folks are there dress'd in a toyshop like show,
A hodge-podging habit 'twixt fiddler and beau ;
Such hats, and such heads too, such coats and such
They sold me some ruffles—but I found the shirts.
Then, as to their dinners, their soups, and their
stewings, -
One ounce of meat serves for ten gallons of brewings;
For a slice of roast beef how my mind was agog
But for beef they produc’d me a fricasee'd frog :
Out of window I toss'd it, it wan't fit to eat,
Then down stairs I jump'd, and ran into the street,
'Twas not their palaver could make me determine
To stay where I found it was taste to eat vermin.
Frogs in France may be fine, and their Grand Mo-
marque clever ;
I'm for beef, and king George, and old England for



Grumbling is a complaint without fit cause: the grumbler is one who, if his friend send him some delicacy from a feast, says to the bearer, “Ah, you envied me your black broth and your paltry wine, and so I was not asked to dinner.” If his mistress kiss him, he says, “You do not love me in your heart.” He is angry at a shower, not because it rains, but because it is too late for him. If he finds a purse, “I never,” he exclaims, “find a treasure in it.” When he has purchased, after a long bargaining with the seller, a slave at his proper price, “It will be very wonderful,” he says, “if I have bought anything good at such a rate.” To the bearer of the good news that a son is born to him, “If you added,” he replies, “that half my substance is gone, you would have told the truth.” Though he gain his cause triumphantly, he is angry with his counsel for omitting many strong points in his favour. His friends contribute a sum of money in loan to relieve his necessities, and one of them bids him now to be of good cheer: “How can I,” he cries, “when I must pay back the money to each of them, and besides that. owe them a debt of gratitude for the obligation.”


It has been decided that a commission of lunacv. must not be specially returned, the subject of it must be found mad, or not mad; and in Brown's Moridgement there is a case mentioned, where a man, on an ruguest of idiotcy, was returned an unthrift and not an idiot, and where, in consequence, no farther proceedings were had. But why did they not try to make him a tonatic 2 Half the natirists in this great town might readily be found so. Lot us turn to Harrison's Practice of the Court of Chancery, and see what is necessary in order to procure a commission of lunacy.

“The method of procuring the commission of lunacy,” days the book, “ is first by two or more persons making an athdavit, setting forth the state and condition of the lunatic, with some few instances of his declarations and actions, to show their belief ot

[ocr errors]

believed to be “a lunatic, and incapable of governing

his being a lunatic, and incapable of governing him. self or his estate.” There is a man driving about town, whom is firmly

himself or his estate ;" and though he is concluded to be “a lunatic,” because he is so decidedly “incapable of governing himself and his estate;” rather than “incapable of governing himself and his estate,” because he is “a lunatic,” yet this same affidavit will require “some few instances of his declarations and actions" to be specified. . Another person could readily be procured to join in the affidavit. The 1}ook of Practice proceeds:– “The affidavit may be in this manner : “E. F. of, Sc., and G. H. of, &c., severally make oath and say, that they, these deponents, for the space of one year last past, have known and been well acquainted, and frequently discoursed, with C. D. of, &c. And these deponents further severally say, that within the space of — last past, they have, by frequently observing the behaviour, words, and actions, of the said C. D., looked upon him to be a person deprived of his reason and understanding in a very great degree.” This may very safely be said. “And this deponent E. F. saith, that, &c. (Set forth some of the most notorious acts, incoherences, and irrational discourses.)” This request can easily be complied with. “Amd this deponent E. F. saith,” then, “that although the said C. D. is possessed of property to the amount of only three hundred pounds per annum, he hath for one whole year kept a tandem and two grooms, and that his whole stood consisteth of four horses; and that he, the said C. D., renteth chambers in Albany Buildings, Piccadilly, in the city of Westminster, in the county of Middlesex, and is in the habit of faring sumptuously every day at a certain tavern called Stevens's Hotel, in 13ond-street, in the said city of Westminster, and county of Middlesex; that when he, the said C. D., was at the University of Cambridge, he used to spend all his time with the drivers of the stage-coaches of that town, whom he

so accurately imitated in all their vulgar habits, that he actually took lessons of one of them in the art of squirting his spittle through his teeth, but the teeth of the said C.D. not readily accommodating themselves to the manoeuvre, he had them filed till they did, and that at last, the said C. D. so far bettered the instructions of the said stage-coachmen, that one of them was heard to declare, that he must cut Squire D., for that he was such a blackguard; that when he, the said C. D., was at one time confined for debt within the Rules of the King's Bench Prison, he hired the most expensive lodgings he could procure, and never gave such large and extravagant dinner-parties as he did at those lodgings, and that he did not upon that occasion think proper to put down his tandem or discharge his grooms, but used to drive about within the said Rules in his usual equipage ; that one day, after dining sumptuously in the said Rules, he, the said C. D., spent his last half. guinea in the purchase of a pineapple to flavour his punch with its juice; and that he, the said C. D., once said to this deponent E. F., who was remonstrating with him upon his extravagance, and warning him how short a time it could last, since nearly the whole of his property was mortgaged or pledged as security, “If I am to burn, I'll make a blaze ; if I am to be buried, I'll kick up a dust.” And these deponents further severally say, that they believe the said C. D. is in no ways capable of governing himself or his estate.” “E. F. “Sworn the at the G. II. Office, before .” Upon an affidavit like this, is a petition for the “ commission in nature of a writ de lunatico inquirendo" presented to the Lord Chancellor, who usually grants it as a matter of course.

[ocr errors]
[ocr errors]

And that, to clear his counsel's tongue, he
Must bribe him or with meat or money.
One morn he calls his clown in chief,
“Here, take this pig to lawyer Brief.”
The clown (unlike his wife, they say)
Could both be silent, and obey:
The pig secur'd within a sack,
At ease hung dangling from his back;
Thus loaded, straight to town he went,
With many an awkward compliment.
A half-way house convenient stood,
Where host was kind, and ale was good;
In steps the clown, and calls to Cecil—
“A quart of stout, to wet my whistle !”
Eas'd of his load, he takes a chair,
And quaffs oblivion to all care.
Three artful wags accost the clown,
And ask his errand up to town.
With potent ale his heart grows warm,
Which, drunk or sober, meant no harm;
He tells them Fo whence he came ;
His master, and the lawyer's name;
And, ere the circling mug was drain'd,
Shew’d what the prostrate sack contain'd.
Whilst two the witless clown amuse,
With merry tales, and mournful news,
A third removes the sack unseen,
And soon sets free the guest within :
But, lest our clown the trick should trace,
A well-fed eur supplies the place.
The point clear'd up of what's to pay,
Our clown in peace pursu'd his way.
Arriv'd, he makes his awkward bow,
With many a Wherefore, and As how.
“Heaven bless your honour many a year !
Look what a pig I've brought you here.”
The sack untied without demur,
Forthwith out gently crept the cur.
Both stood aghast with eager eyes,
And both, no doubt, look'd wondrous wise.
The clown, who saw the lawyer foam,
Swore 'twas a pig when brought from home :
And, wondering at the queer disaster,
In haste return'd to tell his master.

Well pleas'd to see him take the bait,
The wags his quick return await.
What peals of noisy mirth prevail,
To hear him tell the mystic tale!
The devil's in't, they all agree,
And seem to wonder more than he.
From them to Cecil he repairs,
To her the strange event declares :
Meantime the wags, to end the joke,
Replace the pig within its poke.
The rustic soon resumes his load,
And whistling, plods along the road.

Th' impatient farmer hails the clown,
And asks “What news from London town 1
The pig was lik'd; they made you drink 2"–
“Nay, master master! What d'ye think 2
The pig, (or I'm a stupid log)
Is chang'd into a puppy dog."—
“A dog!"—“Nay, since my word you doubt;
See here ; I'll fairly turn him out.”
No sooner was the sack untied,
Than a loud grunt his word belied.
“Death !” cries the farmer, “tell me whence
Proceeds this daring insolence 2
Make haste, take back this pig again you
Presuming elf; or, z—nds ! I'll brain you !”

The clown, of patient soul and blood,
A while in silent wonder stood;
Then briefly cried, with phiz demure—
“Yon lawyer is a witch, for sure :
How hoarse his voice his face how grim
What's pig with us is dog with him :
Heaven shield my future days from evil I
For, as I live, I've seen the devil.”


Flattery may be considered to be a disgraceful style of intercourse, but beneficial to the Person using it. The flatterer is one who, walking with another, cries out, “Do you observe how the eyes of all men are upon you ! this is an honour which falls to the lot of no man in the city except yourself. You were nobly spoken of yesterday in the portico. In a com: pany of thirty men, the discourse falling upon who was the best man, they all began and ended with you." He takes off the flue from the garment of his friend, and carefully picks from his hair any feather which may have blown into it, and says, with a smile, “Do you see 2 because I have not been with you these two days, your beard begins to get white; and yet, if any man's, your hair is remarkably black for your years.” When this man speaks, he bids the rest be quiet; he praises him in his hearing; and, when he has ceased speaking, he cries out “Excellent; sensible !” When his patron has uttered a frigid joke, not content with smiling, he thrusts his garment into his mouth, as quite unable to restrain his laughter. When they walk out together, he bids the possengers stop until the gentleman has gone by. He buys apples and pears for his patron's children; and presents them in the parent's sight, kissing the children, and saying, “Beautiful offspring of a worthy father " If he is with his patron when he is purchasing shoes, he says, “This foot is far better made than the shoe.” When his patron is going to visit a friend, he runs before, and says, “He is coming.” He then runs back, and says, “I have announced you.” He is the first of the guests to praise the wine, and says, “How tastefully you dine!” Then, taking up something from the table, he says, * God! this is excellent " He asks his patron whether he is not cold whether he would not wish to have some more clothing? and whether he shall assist in covering him He is foul of inclining to his ear, and whispering; and while he himself is addressing others, fixes his eyes upon his patron. He takes away the cushions from the servant in the the atre, and spreads them himself. He commends the architecture of his patron's house, and the cultivation if his grounds; and says that his picture is like him. Gr. AM MATICAL P.A. R.O.D.Y. The following parody, on the noted grammatical line, Bifrons, atque custos, bos, fur, sus atque sacerdos, was by Mr. Gostling, a clergyman of Canterbury :

Bifrons ever when he preaches;
Custos of what in his reach is.
Bos among his neighbours' wives,
Fur in gathering of his tithes.
Sus at every parish feast;
On Sunday, sacerdos, a priest.

EPI Logue to the LIAR. Between Miss Grantham and Old Wilding M. Gr. Hold, sir! Our plot concluded, and strict justice done, Let me be heard as counsel for your son. Acquit I can't, I mean to mitigate; Proscribe all lying ! what would be the fate Of this, and every other earthly state : Consider, sir, if once you cry it down, You'll shut up ev'ry coffee-house in town; The tribe of politicians will want food, Ev’n now half-famish'd for the public good ; All Grub-street murderers of men and sense, And every office of intelligence, All would be bankrupts, the whole lying race, And no Gazette to publish their disgrace. O. Wild. Too mild a sentence : Must the good and great Patriots be wrong'd, that booksellers may eat? M. Gr. Your patience, sir; yet hear another word, Turn to that hall where Justice wields her sword : Think in what narrow limits you would draw, By this proscription, all the sons of law : For 'tis the fixt determin'd rule of courts, A. will tell you, nay, ev'n Coke's Reports) ll pleaders may, when difficulties rise, To gain one truth, expend a hundred lies. O. Wild. To curb this practice, I am somewhat loath ; A lawyer has no credit but on oath. M. Gr. Then to the softer sex some favour show : Leave us possession of our modest No O. Wild. Oh, freely, Ma'am, we'll that allowance

give, so that two Noes be held affirmative:

« ZurückWeiter »