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And break a promise after having made it her, The mightiest kings and queens we keep in pay, Denying the receipt of what it cost,

Support their pomp on cighteenpence a day. And smear his page with gall instead of honey, Our Cyrus has been forc'd to pawu bis coat, All I can say is—that he had the money.

And all our Cæsar's can't command a groat. I think that with this holy new alliance

Our Scipios, Anthonys and Pompeys break, I may ensure the public, and defy

And Cleopatra shifts but once a week. All other magazines of art or science,

To aggravate the case, we have not one Daily, or monthly, or three monthly, I

Of all the new refinements of the town Have not essay'd to multiply their clients,

No moving statue, no lewd barlequins ; Because they tell me 'twere in vain to try,

No pasteboard play'rs, no actors in machines; And that the Edinburgh Review and Quarterly No rosin to make lightning ; ('twould exhaust us Treat a dissenting author very martyrly,

To buy a Devil and a Doctor Faustus :)
No millers, windmills, dragoons, conjurers,

To exercise your eyes, and spare your ears. Mr. Canning and another gentleman were looking No paper seas, no thunder froin the skies; at a picture of the Deluge : the ark was in the iniddle

No witchez to descend, no stage to rise ; distance ; in the foresea an elephant was seen strug

Scarce one for us the actors.--We can set ling with his fate : "I wonder," said the gentleman,

Nothing before you but mere sense and wit; " that the elephant did not secure an inside place in A bare downright old fasbion d English feasi, the ark;"_" He was too late," replied Canning,

Such as a Briton only can digest; “he was detained packing up his trunk.”

Such as your homely fathers used to love,

Who only came to hear and to improve.

Humbly content and pleased with what was drest

When Shakspeare, Lee, and Dryden ranged the Genteels ! of old the prologue led the way,

To lead, defend, and usher in the play;
As saucy footmen run before the coach,
And thunder at the door my lord's approach ;

We're seated now, so without row
But though they speak your entertainment near,

Begin and deal away; Most prologues speed like other bills of fare ;

The night we'll pass with cards and glassSeldom the languid stomach they excite,

Why the devil don't you play ?
And oftener cloy, than whet the appetite.'
As for our play-it is not worth our cares,

And he that wouldn't stake on whist, a twenty shilOur prologue craves your mercy for the play’rs;

ling note, That is-your money; for by heav'n I swear,

Don't deserve a drop of whisky to wet his ugly throat. White gloves and house rent are excessive dear. Spoken.] I'll bet five to fifteen, roared out Mr. PatSince here are none but friends,--the truth to own; rick Macdeviltopay to his friend Teague O'Clone Though in a coach our company came down, cumlarry, who had just arrived with Miss She'ah Yet, I most shrewdly fear they must depart O'Docherty on a visit to Miss Judy Grachoshkenny. Ev'n in their oid original a cart.

Now whist was the favourite game even with the With pride inverted and fantastic pow'r, ladies. I wonder, said an old lady, what's the We strut the fancied sovereigns of an hour. origin of whist. Silence--now, ma'am; play away While duns our emperors and heroes fear,

Och! by the powers, that's excellent, And Cleomenes starves in earnest here.,

pretty well for a beginner; I never played with any


my jewel


lady I liked better. I beg pardon, is that against us ? fight. I shall fight. Turn him out of doorsang Yes, sir. There, I've taken it with my Jack. That's man mean enough to cheat.-Cheat, sir; why you a knavish trick of yours, Miss. You have no honour, cheated at I believe, ma'am. You remember, sir, you took it. Whist, the best and finest game of any in the pack: Bless me! you've a curious hand, Miss. So have all But never mind-there take my hand, and bring the our family, sir, Yes, but they were all good hands whisky back. at wbist. Dear me, what a number of hearts. I have not had one left these ten minutes. Sorry for that, Good den, sir Richard,—God-a-mercy, fellow ;Miss ; I was going to solicit. How elegant ! I won- And if his name be George, I'll call him Peter : der what Miss O’Regan's ear-rings are made of the For new-made honour doth forget meu's names; two of diamonds--No! Yes. Why then

'Tis too respective, and too sociable,
Play away my jewel, this game you know we've won, For your conversion. Now your traveller,-
Ilere bring a drop of whisky, if it's only out of fun. He and his tooth-pick at my worship’s mess;

Come deal more fast, the game that's past And when my knightly stomach is suffic'd
Was played extremely well;

Why then I suck my teeth, and catechise
Cards quick sort--that's your sport,

My picked man of countries. -My dear sir,
Pray, sir, just pull the bell.

(Thus, leaning on mine elbow, I begin,) The stakes are laid all right, you led the spade 1 I shall beseech you—That is question now: think,

And then comes answer like an ABC-book : That's mine-play on--the ten of hearts—a little O sir, says answer, at your best command; more to drink.

Al your employment ; at your service, sir :--Spoken.] Och beautiful! the river Liffy to a No, sir, says question, 1, sweet sir, al yours : drew-drop that it's ours. I don't think the cards have And so, ere answer knows what question would been shuftled. I beg your pardon. I saw Miss Judy And talking of the Alps, and Apennines,

(Saving in dialogue of compliment,
looking at the tricks. Look to your own tricks. Faith,
Miss, I've very few, no young man less at present: It draws toward supper in conclusion so.
but if you allow me the odd trick you'll find me Now this is worshipful society.

The Pyrenean, and the river Po,)
game. Odd trick! och ! faith what a boy was Larry
O'Dogherty for the odd trick. I hear he is married.
Yes, very happy; loves his wife with—a club, they

A learned lady; famed
say. She's lately brought to bed. Indeed !--pray For every branch of every science known-
Mr. Ciancoinlarrý, what has she got ? Faith I was so In every christian language ever named,
glad to get away, that I forgot to inquire whether I With virtues equallid by her wit alone,
was an uncle or an aunt. Who turned up the Queen ? She made the cleverest people quite ashamed,
I think it was--a trump if you please, sir. Come,

And even the good with inward envy groan, Miss, play. Your play first, sir, is it not ? Oh, no, Finding themselves so very much exceeded Miss, you lay down, and I cover. I think I shalí In their own way by all the things that she did. have your heart, Miss, now - If you play into my Her memory was a mine: she knew by heart hand, you will, sir. O, damn the cards--horrid bad All Calderon and greater part of Lopé, play ; -och ! shocking--I must have a new pack. A So that if any actor miss’d his part new pack, sis ; not at all. But I shall, sir, because She could have serv'd him for the prompter's copy ; it's not fair--and-Not fair ! there's my card, sis - For her Feinagle's were an useless art, and there's my card, sir, Oh! pray gentlemen don't| And he bimself obliged to shut up shop-he


Could never make a memory so fine as

Vant for not purchasing cucumbers: ke compels his That which adorn'd the brain of Donna Inez. children to wrestle and run till they faint with fatigue. Her favourite science was the mathematical,

In the country, when he is dressing his dinner of Her noblest virtue was hier magnanimity, herbs, he throws in salt to season them till they are Her wit (she sometimes tried at wit) was Attic all, unfit to eat. If any one inquire of him, bow many

Her serious sayings darken’d to sublimity; dead have been carried out through the sacred gaie In short, in all things she was fairly what I call to burial ? Would to God, he replies, you and I had A prodigy-her morning dress was dimity, so many!

THEOPHRASTUS. Her evening silk, or, in the summer, muslin, And other stuifs, with which I won't stay puzzling.

She knew the Latin-that is, “the Lord's prayer," | 'Tis melancholy, and a fearful sign

And Greek—the alphabet--I'm nearly sure ; Of human frailty, folly, also crime,
She read some French romances here and there, That love and marriage rarely can combine,

Although her mode of speaking was not pure; Although they both are born in the same clime; For native Spanish she had no great care,

Marriage from love, like vinegar from wide At least her conversation was obscure;

A sad, sour, sober beverage—by time
Her thoughts were theorems, lier words a problem, Is sharpen'd from its high celestial favour
Auxf she deem'd that mystery would ennoble 'em. Down to a very homely household savour.
In short, she was a walking calculation,

There's something of antipathy, as 'twere,
Miss Edgeworth’s novels stepping from their covers, Between their present and their future state;
Or Mrs. Trimmer's books on education,

A kind of flattery that's hardly fai
Or “ Celebs' Wife" set out in quest of lovers, Is used until the truth arrives too late
Morality's prim personification,

Yet what can people do, except despair ?
In which not Envy's self a Daw discovers,

The same things change their names at such a rate ; To others' share let is female errors fall."

For instance-passion in a lover's glorious, For she had not even oue - the worst of all.

But in a husband is pronounced uxorious.

Men grow ashamed of being so very fond; Absence of mind may be defined to be a slowness of

They sometimes also get a little tired, mind in speaking or action: the absent man is one who, (But that, of course, is rare,) and then despond: when he is casting up accounts, and hath collected

The saine things cannot always be admired, the items, will ask a bystander what the amount is : Yet 'tis “ so nominated in the bond,” when he is engaged in a lawsuit, and the day of

That both are tied till one shall have expired. trial is come, he forgets it and goes into the country : Sad thought! to lose the spouse that was adorning he visits the theatre to see the play, and is left be. | Our days, and put one's servants into mourning. hind asleep on the benches. He takes any article There's doubtless something in domestic doings, and puts it away himself, then begins to look for it, Which forms, in fact, true love's antitbesis; and is never able to find it. If any one tell him of Romances paint at full length people's wooings, the death of a dear friend, and ask him to the funerat, But ouly give a bust of marriages ; with a sorrowful countenance and tears in his eyes, For no one cares for matrimonial cooings, he exclaims, Good luck, good luck! It is his custom, There's nothing wrong in a connubial kiss. when he receives, not when he pays, a debt, to call Think you, if Laura had been Petrarch's wife, for witnesses. In winter, he quarrels with his ser-|lle would have written sonnets all his life?

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All tragedies are finish d by a death,

service between themi, forenoon and afternoon, diet All comedies are ended by a marriage ;

by diet ; and it was my puir dear man's turn to gie The future states of both are left to faith,

the word that forenoon; and he said he wish'd he For authors fear description might disparage would gie the word for him, for he was really vary The worlds to come of both, or fall beneath, bad indeed. And he said, that is, doctor Macglashan And then both worlds would punish their mis- said he would. And I was vary much obliged to carriage ;

for doctor Macglashan was a vary good natured So leaving each their priest and prayer-book ready, body; and I thanked the doctor, for I was vary They say no more of Death or of the Lady.

thankfu' to him. Hem! Weel, I mind Sunday was The only two that in my recollection

anither vary wat day; vary wat; a nasty, dreepin' Ilave sung of heaven and hell, or marriage, are

wat day indeed ; and doctor Macglashan ca'ad in Dante and Milton, and of both the affection on my puir dear honest man on his way to the kirk, Was hapless in their nuptials, for some bar

and he sat him down twa minutes, for he was vary Of fault or temper ruin'd the connexion ;

wat; and he says to him, Hem, that is, says my puic (Such things, in fact, it don't ask much to mar;)

dear honest man to doctor Macglashan, I wish thee But Dante's Beatrice and Milton's Eve

mayna' tak’ cauld, for it's vary wat; and he dreeped Were not drawn from their spouses, you conceive.

the weet frae his coat tails, and he shaked it aff his

sleeves, and he dauded the rain frac the cocks o'lis WITTY STORY OF AN OLD SCOTCH WOMAN.

hat ; for he really was extraordinary wat, puir man; “ Hem! hem!-Ye ma’an ken, that my husband

vary wat indeed, and ye'll mind there were na umwas the meenister o' the kirk, and a man, universally berellas in thae days; and said doctor Macglasban, respecked, not only by the parishoners, but by the said he, I wish I were dry again. Hem! now mind hale at large ! -Ilem!—Well, I mind there this, for this is the great point of the story : Upon was a time, when we hod ha'en a week o' vary bad which, my puir dear man says, though in troth he was weather ; nasty dreepin' wat weather; it had been

na much gi’en to joking, yet he cou'dna' vary weel vary wat indeed ; and my puir dear honest man had

reseest the opportunity: So, hem !--so says my puir been vary badly with a sair cauld he had cought; he dear worthy man ; now mind ye this, for it's the was vary ill indeed, puir man, and he really was vary point o' the joke-When the doctor said--that is, fractious, honest man, when ought ailed him; vary doctor Macglashan said, he wished he was dry, my fractious indeed, and he gave me a great deal o' trouble. Hem! Weel, i mind, doctor D!aeglashan puir dear honest body, (ch, he was a wag) said be

to his worthy colleague, bem "garg thy wa's up to happened to ca’ in to see my puir dear inan yae day the pu’pit, and thou'll be dry enough there, I warrant for the doctor was a guid feeling hearted honest

thee." body, 'twas he; and he used to distribute guid books amang the pair fol'k i’ the parish, wla cou'dna' buy them. Ah ! sirs! I wis there war mair o' them read What is the end of fame? 'tis but to fill by the rising generation that is. Weel, as I was certain portion of uncertain paper : teiling ye, the doctor called to see my prir man; and Some liken it to climbing up a hill, says he to hird, that is, says doctor Macglashan to Whose summit, like all hills, is lost in vapour, my puir honest man, this has been vary wat weather, For this men write, speak, preach, and heroes kill, very wat indeed.

So says my puir dear honest man And bards burn what they call their “ midnight to doctor Marglashan, My worthy colleague, I wish taper,” thou would gie the word for me ai the kirk ucist Sun- To have, when the original is dust, day forenoon. For you'll mind this, they took the name, a wretched picture, and worse bust.




What are the hopes of man ? old Egypt's King Loud 'laruins, neighing steeds, and trumpets' clang? Cheops erected the first pyramid

And do you tell me of a woman's tongue;
And largest, thinking it was just the thing

That gives not half so great a blow to the ear,
To keep bis memory whole, and mummy hid; As will a chestnut in a farmer's fire ?
But somebody or other rummaging,

Burglariously broke his coffin's lid :
Let not a monument give you or me hopes,

This is one of those many thousands who swarm

in and about London in time of war, and whose Since not a pinch of dust remains of Cheops.

times and minds are divided between the affairs of

state, and the affairs of a kitchen; he is anxious Unseasonableness is a method of accosting which after venison and politics; he believes every cook is troublesome to the persons accosted. The unsea to be a great genius, and to know how to dress a sonable man is one who goes to communicate with turtle comprehending all the arts and sciences toge; his friend when he is immersed in business: he goes ther. He is always hunting after newspapers, to read to revel with his mistress when she is lying ill with a about battles, and imagines soldiers and sailors are fever : he runs to a man who has just been cast as only made to be knock'd on the head, that he may bail for another, and entreats him to become his read an account of it in the papers; he reads every surety: as soon as a cause is decided, he is on the political pamphlet that is published on both sides of spot to give his testimony. If he is invited to a the question, and is always on his side whom he read wedding, he inveighs against the whole female sex : last." And then he comes home in a good or ill temhe asks a man who is just returned from a long jour per, and calls for his night-cap, and pipes and tobacco

, ney to take a walk with bim. When an article is and sends for some neighbours to sit with him, and sold, he brings a purchaser who would give double talk, politics together. the price. In a company he will give a detailed ac

“ How do you do, Mr. Costive? sit down, sit count from the very beginning of some subject which down ; ay, these times are hard times; I can do they have all heard and are thoroughly acquainted more relish these times, than I can a haunch of veniwith: he is extremely anxious to do that for any sor without sweet sauce to it; but, if you remember, person which they are unwilling should be done, but I told you we should have warm work of it, when are ashamed to refuse. If he is present at the chas- the cook threw down the Kian pepper. Ay, ay ; ! tisement of a lad, he relates that a boy of his when think I know a thing or two ; I think I do, that's all. so beaten went and hanged himself. If he is present -But lord what signifies what one knows, they at an arbitration, though both parties wish an ac- don't mind me? You know I mentioned at our club commodation, he sets tliem together by the ears: the disturbances in America, and one of the company and lastly, when about to dance, he seizes a partner took me up, and said, “What signifies America, whose senses are not yet inflamed by intoxication.

when we are all in a merry cue ?" so they all fell

laughing.- Now there's commons made lords, and WOMAN'S TONGUE.

there's lords made, the Lord knows what; but that's Think you, a little din can daunt mine ears? Lothing to us; they make us pay our taxes: they Have I not in my time heard lions roar ?

take care of that ; ay, ay, ay, they are sure of that ; Have I not heard the sea, puff’d up with winds, pray, what have they done for these twenty years Rage like an angry boar, chafed with sweat ? last past ? --why nothing at all; they have only Have I not heard great ordnance in the field ? made a few turnpike roads, and kept the partridges And heaven's artillery thunder in the skies? alive 'till September ; that's all they have done tur Have I not in a pitched battle heard

the good of their country. There were soine great


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