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all to unite: whatever office he serves in, take The king, (God bless him,) had singular hopes all opportunities to spoil the business he is about, and Of him and all bis troopa, to cross him in every thing. For instance, if the The Borderers they, as they met him on the way, butler be a tell-tale, break his glasses whenever he For joy did hollow and whoop a. leaves the pantry-door open; or lock the cat or the None lik'd him so well as his own colorel, mastiff in it, who will do as well : mislay a fork or a Who took him for John de Weata; spoon, so that he may never find it. If it be the cook, But when there were shows of gunning and 1.74 whenever she turns her back, throw a lump of soot, My gallant was nothing so peart 1. or a handful of salt, in the pot, or smoking coals into For when the Scots army came within sicht, the dripping-pan, or daub the roast-meat with the And all men prepard to fight a, back of the chimney, or hide the key of the jack. If He ran to his tent, they ask'd what he meart, a footman be suspected, let the cook daub the back of He swore he must needs go his new livery ; or when he is going up with a dish of The colonel sent for him back agen, soup, let her follow him softly with a ladle-full, and To quarter him in the van a ; dribble it all the way up stairs to the dining-room, But Sir John did swear, he came not there, and then let the house-maid make such a noise, that To be kill'd the very first man a. her lady may bear it. The waiting-maid is very To cure his fear, he was sent to the rere, likely to be guilty of this fault in hopes to ingratiate Some ten miles back and more a ; herself: in this case the laundress must be sure to Where he did play at tre trip for hay, tear ber smocks in the washing, and yet wash them And nere saw the enemy more a. but half; and, when she complains, tell all the house But now there is peace, he's returned to increase that she sweats so much, and her flesh is so casty, Ilis money which lately he spent a ; that she fouls a smock more in one hour, than the But liis lost honour must still lie in the dust, kitchen-maid doth in a week.
At Barwick away it went a.
IN SELBY CHURCH-YARD, YORKSMIRI.
Here lies the body of poor Frank Row, Sir John got him an ambling nag,
Parish clerk, and grave-stone cutter; To Scotland for to ride a,
And this is writ to let you know, With a hundred horse more, all his own he swore,
What Frank for others us'd to do, To guard him on every side a.
Is now for Frank done by another. No errant knight ever went to fight
VILLAGE APOTHECARY. With hall so gav a bravado,
I do remember an apothecary,-Had you but seen his look, you'ld have sworn on a And hereabouts he dwells --whom late I need book,
In tatter'd weeds, with overwhelming brows, Hee'ld have conquered a whole armado. Culling of simples ; meagre were his lcoks, The ladies ran all to the windows to see
Sharp irisery had worn him to the bones : Su gallant and warlike a sight a,
And in his needy shop a tortoise buug, And as he pass’d by, they began to cry,
An alligator stui?’d, and other skins Sir John, will you go fight a?
Of ill shap'd fishes ; and about his shelves But he, like a cruel krig!ii, spurr'd on,
A beggarly account of empty boxes, His heart did not relent a;
Green carthen pots, bladders, and musty seeds, For till he came there, he show'd no fear, Remnants of packthread, and old cakes of roses, Till then, why shou'd he repent a ?
Were thiniy scatter'd, to make up a show.
CONFESSIONS OF THE INCONVENIENCES OF BEING these technical phrases-if I knew how to express HANGED.
my meaning shorter0, reader ! guess at the wretch's misery who now But to procecd.-My first care after I had been porites this, when, with tears and burning blushes, he brought to myself by the usual methods, (those meis obliged to confess that he has been-
thods that are so interesting to the operator and his
assistants, who are pretty numerous on such occaMethinks I hear an involuntary exclamation burst sions,—but which no patient was ever Jesirous of from you, as your imagination presents to you fearful undergoing a second time for the benefit of science,) Images of your correspondent unknown --hanged ! my first care was to provide myself with an enormous Fear not.
No disembodied spirit has the honour stock or eravat to hide the place--you understand me ; of addressing you. I am flesh and blood, an unfor-1-my next care was to procure a residence as distant tunate system of bones, muscles, sinews, arteries, like as possible from that part of the country where I had yourself.
sutiered. For that reason I chose the metropolis, as Then, I presume, you mean to be pleasant. That the place where wounded honour (I had been told) expression of yours, must be taken somehow in a could lurk with the least danger of exciting inquiry, metaphorical sense
and stigmatized innocence had the best chance of In the plainest sense, without trope or figure-Yes, biding lier disgrace in a crowd. I sought out a new reader! this neck of mine has felt the fatal noose, - circle of acquaintance, and my circumstances hapthese hands have tremblingly held up the corrobora. pily enabling me to pursue my fancy in that respect, tive prayer-book,—these lips have sucked the mois- I endeavoured, by mingling in all the pleasures which ture of the last consolatory orange,--this tongue has the town affords, to efface the memory of what I had chanted the doleful cantata which no performer was undergone. ever called upon to repeat, - this face has had the But alas ! such is the portentous and all-pervading veiling night-cap drawn over it
chain of connection which links together this great But for no criine of mine.---Far be it from me to community, my scheme of lying perdu was defeated arraign the justice of my country, which, though almost at ihe outset. A countryman of mine, whom tardy, did at length recognise my innocence. It is a foolish law-suit had brought to town, by chance not for me to reflect upon judge or jury, now that met me, and the secret was soon blazoned about. eleven years have elapsed since the erroneous sen In a short time, I found myself deserted by most tence was pronounced. Men will always be fallible, of those who had been my intimate friends. Not and perhaps circunstances did appear at the time a that any guilt was supposed to attach to my cha
racter. My oflicious countryman, to do him justice, Suftice it to say, that after hanging four minutes, had been candid enough to explain my perfect in(as the spectators were pleased to compute it,-a nocence. But, somehow or other, there is a want of man that is being strangled, I know from experience, strong virtue in mankind. We have plenty of the has altogether a different measure of time from his softer instincts, but the heroic character is gone. friends who are breathing leisurely about him,-1 How else can I account for it, that of all my numesuppose the minutes lengthen as time approaches rous acquaintance, among whom I had the honour eternity, in the same manner as the miles get longer of ranking sundry persons of education, talents, and as you travel northward-,) after hanging four mi-worth, scarcely here and there one or two could be nutes, according to the best calculation of the by- found, who had the courage to associate with a man standers, a reprieve came, and I was cut DOWN ihat had been hanged.
Really I am ashamed of deforming your pages with Those few who did not desert me altogether, were
persons of strong but coarse minds; and from the of the rope, the leavings of the cord? Or that any absence of all delicacy in them I suffered almost as analogy could subsist between the knot which binds much as from the superabundance of a false species two lovers, and the knot which ties malefactors ? of it in the others. Those who stuck by me were the I can forgive that pert baggage Flirtilla, who, jokers, who thought themselves entitled, by the tidelity when I complimented her one day on the execution which they had shown towards me, to use me with which her eyes had done, replied, “ that, to be sure, what familiarity they pleased. Many and unfeeling Mr. * * was a judge of those things.” But from thy are the jests that I have suffered from these rude more exalted mind, Celestina, I expected a ingre (because faithful) Achateses. As they past me in unprejudiced decision. the streets, one would nod significantly to his com The person whose true name I conceal under this panion, and say, pointing to me, Smoke bis cravat; appellation, of all the women that I was ever acand ask me if I had got a wen, that I was so soli- quainted with, had the most manly turn of mind, citous to cover my neck. Another would inquire, which she had improved by reading and the best What news from ** Assizes ? (which you may guess, conversation. Her understanding was not more masreader, was the scene of my shame,) and whether online than her manners and whole disposition were the sessions was like to prove a maiden one ? A third delicately and truly feminine. She was the daughter would offer to ensure me from drowning. A fourth of an officer who had fallen in the service of his would teaze me with inquiries how I felt when I was country, leaving his widow and Celestina, an only swinging, whether I had not something like a blue child, with a fortune sufficient to set them above Hame dancing before my eyes ? A fifth took a fancy want, but not to enable them to live in splendour. never to call me any thing but Lazarus. And an I had the mother's permission to pay my addresses eminent bookseller and publisher,—who, in his zeal to the young lady, and Celestina seemed to approve to present the public with new facts, had he lived in of my suit. those days, I am confident, would not have scrupled Often and often have I poured out my overcharged waiting upon the person himself last mentioned, at soul in the presence of Celestina, complaining of the the inost critical period of his existence, to solicit a hard and untecling prejudices of the world, and the few facts relative to resuscitation, -had the modesty sweet maid has again and again declared, that no to offer me sixteen guineas per sheet, if I would write, irrational prejudice should hinder her from esteeming in his Magazine, a physiological account of my feelings every man according to his intrinsic worth. Often upon coming to myself.
has she repeated the consolatory assurance, that she But these were evils which a moderate fortitude could never consider as essentially ignominious an might have enabled me to struggle with. Alas! accident, which was indeed to be deprecated, but reader, the women,--whose good graces I had al- which mighi have happened to the most innocent of ways most assiduously cultivated, from whose softer mankind. Then would she set forth some illustrious minds I had hoped a more delicate and generous example, which her reading easily furnished, of a sympathy than I found the men,--the women Phocion or a Socrates unjustly condemned; of a began to shun me this was the unkindest blow of | Raleigh or a Sir Thomas More, to whom late posall.
terity had done justice ; and by soothing my fancy But is it to be wondered at? How couldst thou with some such agreeable parallel, she would make imagine, wretchedest of beings, that that tender me almost to triumph in iny disgrace, and convert creature Seraphina would fing her pretty arms about my shame into glorv. that neck which previous circumstances had rendered In such entertaining and instructive conversations infamous ? That she would put up with the refuse the time passed on, till I importunately urged the
as I ought.
mistress of my affections to name a day for our heart, she found that she should never be able to urion. To this she obligingly consented, and I thought bear the sight (I give you ber very words as they myself the happiest of mankind. But how was I were detailed to me by her relation) the sight of a surprised one morning at the receipt of the following man in a nightcap, who had appeared on a public billet from my charmer
platform, it would lead to such a disagreeable association of ideas! And to this punctilio I was sa
crificed. “ You must not impute it to levity, or to a worse To pass over an infinite series of minor mortificafailing. ingratitude, if, with anguish of heart, I feel tions, behold me here, in the thirty-seventh year of myself compelled by irresistible arguments to recall my existence, (the twelfth, reckoning from my rea vow which I fear I made with too little considera- animation,) cut off from all respectable connections, tion. I never can be yours. The reasons of my rejected by the fairer half of the community,—who decision, which is final, are in my own breast, and in my case alone seem to have laid aside the chayou must everlastingly remain a stranger to them.racteristic pity of their sex ; punished because I was Assure yourself that I can never cease to esteem you once punished unjustly; suffering for no other reason
CELESTINA." than because I once had the misfortune to suffer withAt the sight of this paper, I ran in frantic haste to out any cause at all. In no other country, I think, Celestina's lodgings, where I learned, to my infinite but this
, could a man have been subject to such a mortification, that the mother and daughter were set life-long persecution, when once his innocence had off on a journey to a distant part of the country, to been clearly established. visit a relation, and were not expected to return in
Had I crawled forth a rescued victim from the rack less than four months.
in the horrible dungeons of the Inquisition,--had I Stunned by this blow, which left me without the heaved myself up from a half bastinado in China, or courage to solicit an explanation by letter, even if I been torn from the just-entering, ghastly impalinghad known where they were, (for the particular ad- stake in Barbary,—had I dropt alive from the knout dress was industriously concealed from me,) I waited in Russia, or come off with a gashed neck from the with impatience the termination of the period, in the half-mortal, scarce-in-time-retracted scimitar of an vain hope that I might be permitted to have a chance executioneering slave in Turkey,- I might have borne of softening the harsh decision by a personal inter- about the remnant of this frame (the mangled trophy view with Celestina after her return. But before of reprieved innocence) with credit to myself, in any three months were at an end, I learned from the of those barbarous countries. No scorn, at least, Dewspapers, that my beloved bad given her hand would have mingled with the pity (small as it might to another !
be) with which what was left of me would have been Heart-broken as I was, I was totally at a loss to surveyed. account for the strange step which she had taken ; The singularity of my case has often led me to and it was not till some years after that I learned the inquire into the reasons of the general levity with rue reason from a female relation of hers, to whom which the subject of hanging is treated as a topic in t seems Celestina had confessed in confidence, that this country. I say as a topic: for let the very pert was no demerit of mine that had caused her to sons who speak so lightly of the thing at a distance reak off the match so abruptly, nor any preference be brought to view the real scene,- let the platform which she might feel for any other person, for she be bona fide exhibited, and the trembling culprit referred me (she was pleased to say) to all mankind; brought forth,--the case is changed: but as a topic ut when she came to lay the matter closer to her of conversation, I appeal to the vulgar jokes which
pass current in every street. But why mention them, the exit of malefactors in this country. Let a man when the politest authors have agreed in making use do what he will to abstract from his imagination all of this subject as a source of the ridiculous. Swift, idea of the whimsical, something of it will come and Pope, and Prior, are fond of recurring to it. across him when he contemplates the figure of a felGay has built an entire drama upon this single foun- low-creature in the daytime (in however distressing dation. The whole interest of the Beggar's Opera a situation) in a nighicap. Whether it be that this may be said to hang upon it. To such writers as nocturnal addition has something discordant with Fielding and Smollet it is a perfect bonne bouche.- daylight, or that it is the dress which we are seen Hear the facetious Tom Brown, in his Comical View in at those times when we are “ seen," as the angel of London and Westminster, describe the Order of in Milton expresses it, “ least wise;"' this I am afraid the Show at one of the Tyburn Erecutions in his will always be the case; unless inderd, as in my intime —“Mr. Ordinary visits his melancholy flock stance, some strong personal feeling overpower the in Newgate by eight. Doleful procession up Hol- ludicrous altogether. To me, when I reflect upon the horn Hill about eleven. Men handsome and proper train of misfortunes which have pursued me through that were never thought so before, which is some life, owing to that accursed dra;ery, the car presents comfort however. Arrive at the fatal place by twelve. as purely frightful an object as the sleeveless yellow Burnt brandy, women, and sabbath-breaking, re- coat and devil-painted mitre of the San Benitos.pented of. Some few penitential drops fall under An ancestor of mine, who suffered for his loyalty in ihe gallows. Sheriff's men, parson, pickpockets, cri- the time of the civil wars, was so sensible of the minals, all very busy. The last concluding peremp- truth of what I am here advancing, that on the morntory psalm struck up. Show over by one.
ing of execution, no entreaties could prevail upon One reason why the ludicrous never fails to intrude him to submit to the odious dishabille, as he called itself into our contemplations upon this mode of death, it, but he insisted upon wearing, and actually suf
suppose to be, the absurd posture into which a man fered in, the identical towing periwig which he is is thrown who is condemned to dance, as the vulgar painted in, in the gallery belonging to my uncle's delight to express ii, upou nothing. To see him seat. whisking and wavering in the air,
Suffer me, before I quit the subject, to say a word
or two respecting the minister of justice in this coun. As the wind you know will wave a man;
try ; in plain words I mean the hangman. It has to behold the vacant carcass, from which the life is always appeared to me that, in the mode of intiicting newly dislodged, shifting between earth and heaven, capital punishments with us, there is too much of the
sport every gust; like a weatherecck serving ministry of the human hand. The guillotine, as to show from which point the wind blows ; like a performing its functions more of itselt and sparing maukin, fit only to serve away bids; like a nest left human agency, thongh a cruel and disgusting ex10 swing upon a bowl when the bird is flown : these hibition, in my mind, has many ways the advantage are uses to which we cannot without a mixture of over our way. In beheading, indeed, as it was forspleen and contempt bychold the human carcass re- merly practised in England, and in whipping to death, auced. We string up dogs, foxes, bats, moles, wea as is sometimes practised now, the hand of man is sels. Nau surely deserves a stearlier death.
no doubt sufficiently busy; but there is something Another reason why the luclicious associates more less repugnant in these downright blows than in the forcibly with this than any other mede of punishment, officious barber-like ministrings of the other. To I cannot help thinking to be, the senseless costume have a fellow with his hanginan's hands fumbling - with which old prescrivtion has thought tit to clothe about your collar, adjusting the thing as your valet