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THE OLD WHIG POET TO HIS OLD BUFF WAISTCOAT.

By Captain Morris.

Farewell, thou poor rag of the muse!
In the bag of the clothesman go lie:
A sixpence thou'lt fetch from the Jews,
Which the hardhearted Christians deny.
Twenty years, in adversity's spite,
I bore thee most proudly along :
Stood jovially buff to the fight,

And won the world's ear with my song.
But, prosperity's humbled thy case:
Thy friends in full banquet I see,
And the door kindly shut in my face,
Thou'st become a fool's garment to me!
Poor rag thou art welcome no more,
The days of thy service are past,
Thy toils and thy glories are o'er,
And thou and thy master are cast.
Bet, though thou'rt forgot and betrayed,'
Twill ne'er be forgotten by me,
How my old lungs within thee have play'd,
And my spirits have swell'd thee with glee.
Perhaps they could swell thee no more,
For Time's icy hand's on my head;
My spirits are weary and sore,

And the impulse of Friendship is dead.

Then adieu! tho' I cannot but fret

That my constancy with thee must part,

For thou hast not a hole in thee yet,

Could ye not midst the favours of fate,
Drop a mite where all own it is due?
Could ye not from the feast of the state'
Throw a crumb to a servant so true?
In your scramble I stirred not a jot,
Too proud for rapacity's strife;
And sure that all hearts would allot
A scrap to the claims of my life.
But go, faded rag, and while gone
I'll turn thy hard fate to my ease;
For the hand of kind heaven hath shown
All crosses have colours that please.
Thus a bliss from thy shame I receive,
Though my body's met treatment so foul,

soul.

I can suffer, forget, and forgive,
And get comfort, more worth for my
And when seen on the rag-sellers rope,
They who knew thee'll say ready enough
"There service hangs jilted by hope,
This once was poor Morris's buff."
If they let them give virtue her name
And yield an example to teach,
Poor rag, thou hast served in thy shame
Better ends than thy honours could reach.
But, though the soul gain by the loss,
The stomach and pocket still say,
"Pray what shall we do in this cross?"
I answer, "Be poor and be gay."
Let the muse gather mirth from her wrong,
Smooth her wing in adversity's shower;
To new ears and new hearts tune her song,
And still look for a sun-shining hour!

Though through thee they have wounded my heart. While I, a disbanded old Whig,

I change thee for sable more sage,

To mourn the hard lot I abide;

And mark upon gratitude's page,
A blot that hath buried my pride.

Ah! who would believe in these lands

From the Whigs I should suffer a wrong?
Had they seen how with hearts and with hands
They followed in frenzy my song.

Who'd have thought, though so eager their claws,
They'd condemn me thus hardly to plead?
Through my grime, I have toiled for your cause
And you've left me, when aged, in need,

Put up my discharge with a smile;
Face about-prime and load-take a swig,
And march off-to the opposite file.

THE PALAIS DE JUSTICE.

A peasant newly arrived at Paris asked what building was that, pointing to the Palais de Justice, where the law courts are held. "It is a mill," said an attorney, to quiz the bumpkin. "I thought as much," replied the countryman, "for I see a good many asses at the door with sacks."

MATRIMONY.

Cries Nell to Tom, 'midst matrimonial strife, "Curs'd be the hour I first became your wife." "By all the powers, (said Tom) but that's too bad, You've curs'd the only civil hour we've had." DEAN SWIFT'S RULES FOR SERVANTS IN GENERAL.

When your master or lady calls a servant by name, if that servant be not in the way, none of you are to answer, for then there will be no end of your drudgery and masters themselves allow, that if a servant comes when he is called, it is sufficient.

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When you have done a fault, be always pert and insolent, and behave yourself as if you were the injured person; this will immediately put your master or lady off their mettle.

tainly decide in your favour: therefore, as I have said before, whenever you are chidden, complain as if you were injured.

It often happens, that servants sent on messages are apt to stay out somewhat longer than the message requires, perhaps two, four, six, or eight hours, of some such trifle; for the temptation to be sure was great, and flesh and blood cannot always resist : when you return, the master storms, the lady scolds; stripping, cudgelling, and turning off, is the word. But here you ought to be provided with a set of excuses, enough to serve on all occasions; for instance, your uncle came fourscore miles to town this morning on purpose to see you, and goes back by break of day to-morrow: a brother-servant, that borrowed money of you when he was out of place, was running If you see your master wronged by any of your away to Ireland: you were taking leave of an old feifellow-servants, be sure to conceal it, for fear of low-servant, who was shipping for Barbadoes: your being called a tell-tale: however, there is one ex-father sent a cow to you to sell, and you could not ception in case of a favourite servant, who is justly get a chapman till nine at night: you were taking hated by the whole family; who therefore are bound leave of a dear cousin, who is to be hanged next in prudence to lay all the faults they can upon the Saturday: you wrenched your foot against a stone, favourite. and were forced to stay three hours in a shop, before The cook, the butler, the groom, the market-man, you could stir a step: some filth was thrown on and every other servant who is concerned in the ex-you out of a garret-window, and you were ashamed penses of the family, should act as if his master's to come home before you were cleaned, and the smeil whole estate ought to be applied to that servant's went off: you were pressed for the sea-service, and particular business. For instance, if the cook com carried before a justice of peace, who kept you three putes his master's estate to be a thousand pounds a hours before he examined you, and you got off with year, he reasonably concludes, that a thousand much a-do: a bailiff by mistake seized you for a pounds a year will afford meat enough, and therefore debtor, and kept you the whole evening in a spunghe need not be sparing; the butler makes the same ing-house you were told your master had gone to a judgment, so may the groom and the coachman; and tavern, and come to some mischance, and your grief thus every branch of expense will be filled to your was so great that you inquired for his honour in an master's honour. hundred taverns between Pall Mall and Temple Bar.

When you are chid before company, (which with submission to our masters and ladies is an unmannerly practice) it often happens that some stranger will have the good nature to drop a word in your excuse; in such a case you will have a good title to justify yourself, and may rightly conclude, that whenever he chides you afterwards on other occa sions, he may be in the wrong; in which opinion you will be the better confirmed by stating the case to your fellow-servants in your own way, who will cer

Take all tradesmen's parts against your master; and when you are scat to buy any thing, never offer to cheapen it, but generously pay the full demand. This is highly to your master's honour, and may be some shillings in your pocket; and you are to consider if your master hath paid too much, he can better afford the loss than a poor tradesman.

Never submit to stir a finger in any business, but that for which you were particularly hired. For ex

ample, if the groom be drunk, or absent, and the butler be ordered to shut the stable door, the answer is ready, “An please your honour, I don't understand horses." If a corner of the hanging wants a single nail to fasten it, and the footman be directed to tack it up, he may say he doth not understand that sort of work, but his honour may send for the upholsterer.

Masters and ladies are usually quarrelling with the servants for not shutting the doors after them: for neither masters nor ladies consider, that those doors must be open before they can be shut, and that the labour is double to open and shut the doors; therefore the best, the shortest, and easiest way is, to do neither. But if you are so often teazed to shut the door, that you cannot easily forget it, then give the door such a clap as you go out, as will shake the whole room, and make every thing rattle in it, to put your master and lady in mind that you observe their directions.

If you find yourself to grow into favour with your master or lady, take some opportunity, in a very mild way, to give them warning; and when they ask the reason, and seem loath to part with you, answer that you would rather live with them than any body else, but a poor servant is not to be blamed if he strives to better himself; that service is no inheritance, that your work is great, and your wages very small. Upon which, if your master hath any generosity, he will add five or ten shillings a quarter rather than let you go; but if you are balked, and have no mind to go off, get some fellow-servant to tell your master that he hath prevailed upon you to stay.

Whatever good bits you can pilfer in the day, save them to junket with your fellow-servants at night; and take in the builer, provided he will give you drink.

Write your own name and your sweetheart's with the smoke of a candle, on the roof of the kitchen, or the servants'-hall, to show your learning.

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When you have broken all your earthen drinking vessels below stairs, (which is usually done in a week,) the copper pot will do as well; it can boil milk, heat porridge, hold small beer, or, in case of necessity, serve for a jorden; therefore apply it indifferently to all these uses; but never wash or scour it, for fear of taking off the tin.

Although you are allowed knives for the servant'shall at meals, yet you ought to spare them, and make use only of your master's.

Let it be a constant rule, that no chair, stool, or table, in the servants'-hall, or the kitchen, shall have above three legs, which hath been the ancient and constant practice in all the families I ever knew, and is said to be founded upon two reasons; first, to show that servants are ever in a tottering condition; secondly, it was thought a point of humility, that the servants' chairs and tables should have at least one leg fewer than those of their masters. I grant there hath been an exception to this rule with regard to the cook, who by old custom was allowed an easy-chair to sleep in after dinner; and yet I have seldom seen them with above three legs. Now this epidemical lameness of servants' chairs is by philosophers imputed to two causes, which are observed to make the greatest revolutions in states and empires; I mean love and war. A stcol, a chair, or a table, is the first weapon taken up in a general romping or skirmish and after a peace, the chairs, if they be not very strong, are apt to suffer in the conduct of an amour, the cook being usually fat and heavy, and the butler a little in drink.

I could never endure to see maid-servants so ungenteel as to walk the streets with their petticoats pinned ap; it is a foolish excuse to allege, their If you are a young sightly fellow, whenever you petticoats will be dirty, when they have so easy a rewhisper your mistress at the table, run your nose ful!medy as to walk three or four times down a clean pair in her cheek; or, if your breath be good, breathe full in her face: this I have known to have had very good consequences in some families.

of stairs after they come home.

When you stop to tattle with some crony servant in the same street, leave your own street-door open,

that you may get in without knocking when you come back; otherwise your mistress may know you are gone out, and you must be chidden.

When you are chidden for a fault, as you go out of the room and down stairs, mutter loud enough to be plainly heard; this will make him believe you are innocent.

I do most earnestly exhort you all to unanimity and concord; but mistake me not; you may quarrel Whoever comes to visit your master or lady when with each other as much as you please, only always they are abroad, never burden your memory with the bear in mind, that you have a common enemy, which person's name, for indeed you have too many other is your master and lady, and you have a common things to remember; besides, it is a porter's busicause to defend. Believe an old practitioner; who-ness, and your master's fault he does not keep one; ever, out of malice to a fellow-servant, carries a tale and who can remember names? and you will certo his master, shall be ruined by a general confede- tainly mistake them, and you can neither write nor racy against him.

The general place of rendezvous for all the servants, both in winter and sunmer, is the kitchen; there the grand affairs of the family ought to be consulted; whether they concern the stable, the dairy, the pantry, the laundry, the cellar, the nursery, the dining-room, or my lady's chamber; there, as in your own proper element, you can laugh, and squall, and romp, in full security.

When any servant comes home drunk, and cannot appear, you must all join in telling your master, that he is gone to bed very sick; upon which your lady will be so good-natured as to order some comfortable thing for the poor man or maid.

When your master and lady go abroad together to dinner, or on a visit for the evening, you need leave only one servant in the house, unless you have a blackguard boy to answer at the door, and attend the children, if there be any. Who is to stay at home is to be determined by short and long cuts, and the stayer at home may be comforted by a visit from a sweetheart, without danger of being caught together. These opportunities must never be missed, because they come but sometimes; and all is safe enough while there is a servant in the house.

When your master or lady comes home, and wants a servant who happens to be abroad, your answer must be, that he had but just that minute stept out, being sent for by a cousin who was dying.

If your master calls you by name, and you happen to answer at the fourth call, you need not hurry yourself; and if you be chidden for staying, you may Jawfully say, you came no sooner because you did not know what you were called for.

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If it be possible, never tell a lie to your master or lady, unless you have some hopes that they cannot find it out in less than half an hour. When a servant is turned off, all his faults must be told, although most of them were never known by his master or lady; and all mischiefs done by others, charge to him. [Instance them.] And when they ask any of you, why you never acquainted them before? the answer is, "Sir," or " Madam, really I was afraid it would make you angry; and beside, perhaps, you might think it malice in me." Where there are little masters and misses in a house, they are usually great impediments to the diversions of the servants; the only remedy is to bribe them with goody goodies, that they may not tell tales to papa and mamma.

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I advise you of the servants, whose master lives in the country, and who expect vales, always to stand rank and file when a stranger is taking his leave, s that he must of necessity pass between you, and he must have more confidence, or less money than usual, if any of you let him escape; and according as he be haves himself, remember to treat him the next time he comes.

If you are sent with ready money to buy any thing at a shop, and happen at that time to be out of pocket, sink the money, and take up the goods on your master's account. This is for the honour of your master and yourself; for he becomes a man of eredit at your recommendation.

When your lady sends for you up to her chamber to give you any orders, be sure to stand at the door, and keep it open, fiddling with the lock all the while she is talking to you, and keep the button in your hand,

for fear you should forget to shut the door. after

you.

If your master or lady happen once in their lives to accuse you wrongfully, you are a happy servant; for you have nothing more to do, than for every fault you commit while you are in their service to put them in mind of that false accusation, and protest yourself equally innocent in the present case.

junket with you at home in an evening, teach them a peculiar way of tapping or scraping at the kitchenwindow, which you may hear, but not your master or lady, whom you must take care not to disturb or frighten at such unseasonable hours.

Lay all faults upon a lap-dog, or favourite cat, a monkey, a parrot, a child; or on the servant who was last turned off: by this rule you will excuse yourself, do no hurt to any body else, and save your master or lady from the trouble and vexation of chiding. When you want proper instruments for any work you are about, use all expedients you can invent, rather than leave your work undone For instance, if the poker be out of the way, or broken, stir the fire with the tongs; if the tongs be not at hand, use the muzzle of the bellows, the wrong end of the fireshovel, the handle of the fire-brush, the end of a mop, or your master's cane. If you want paper to singe a fowl, tear the first book you see about the house. Wipe your shoes, for the want of a clout, with the bottom of a curtain, or a damask napkin. Strip your livery-lace for garters. If the butler wants a jorden, he may use the great silver cup.

When you have a mind to leave your master, and are too bashful to break the matter for fear of offending him, the best way is to grow rude and saucy of a sudden, and beyond your usual behaviour, till he finds it necessary to turn you off; and when you are gone, to revenge yourself, give him and his lady such a character to all your brother-servants who are out of place, that none will venture to offer their service. Some nice ladies who are afraid of catching cold, having observed that the maids and fellows below stairs often forget to shut the door after them, as they come in, or go out into the back-yards, have contrived that a pulley and a rope, with a large piece of lead at the end, should be so fixed, as to make the door shut of itself, and require a strong hand to open it, which is an immense toil to servants, whose business There are several ways of putting out candles, and may force them to go in and out fifty times in a you ought to be instructed in them all: you may run morning but ingenuity can do much; for prudent the candle end against the wainscot, which puts the servants have found out an effectual remedy against snuff out immediately; you may lay it on the ground this insupportable grievance, by tying up the pulley and tread the snuff out with your foot: you may hold in such a manner, that the weight of lead shall have it upside-down, until it is choked with its own no effect; however, as to my own part, I would ra-grease: or cram it into the socket of the candlestick: ther choose to keep the door always open by laying a heavy stone at the bottom of it.

vase; you

you may whirl it round in your hand till it goes out : when you go to bed, after you have made water, you The servants' candlesticks are generally broken, for may dip the candle-end into the nothing can last for ever. But you may find out may spit on your finger and thumb, and pinch the many expedients; you may conveniently stick your snuff till it goes out. The cook may run the candle's candle in a bottle, or with a lump of butter against nose into the meal-tub, or the groom into a vessel of the wainscot, in a powder-horn, or in an old shoe, or oats, or a lock of hay, or a heap of litter: the housein a cleft-stick, or in the barrel of a pistol, or upon its maid may put out her candle by running it against a own grease on a table, in a coffee-cup, or a drinking-looking-glass, which nothing cleans so well as candleglass, a horn-can, a tea-pot, a twisted napkin, a mustard-pot, an inkhorn, a marrow-bone, a piece of dough, or you may cut a hole in the loaf, and stick it

there.

When you invite the neighbouring servants to

snuff: but the quickest and best of all methods is, to blow it out with your breath, which leaves the candle clear, and readier to be lighted.

There is nothing so pernicious in a family as a telltale, against whom it must be the principal business

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