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Could ye not midst the favours of fate,
Could ye not from the feast of the state'
Throw a crumb to a servant so true ?
In your scramble I stirred not a jot,
Too proud for rapacity's strise ;
And sure that all hearts would allot
A scrap to the claims of my life.
But go, faded rag, and while gone
I'll turn thy hard fate to my ease ;
For the hand of kind heaven hath shown
All crosses have colours that please.
Thus a bliss from thy shame I receive,
Though my body's met treatment so soul,
I can suffer, forget, and forgive,
And get comfort, more worth for my soul.
And when seen on the rag-sellers rope, Poor rag! thou art welcome no more,
They who knew thee'll say ready enough The days of thy service are past,
“ There service hangs jilted by hope, Thy toils and thy glories are o'er, And thou and thy master are cast.
This once was poor Morris'š buff.”
If they let them give virtue her name
And yield an example to teach,
Poor rag, thou hast served in thy shame How my old lungs within thee have play'd,
Better ends than thy honours could reach. And my spirits have swell’d thee with glee.
But, though the soul gain by the loss, Perhaps they could swell thee no more,
The stomach and pocket still say, For Time's icy hand's on my head;
Pray what shall we do in this cross ?" My spirits are weary and sore,
I answer, “ Be poor and be gay." And the impulse of Friendship is dead.
Let the muse gather mirth from her wrong, Then adieu ! tho' I cannot but fret
Smooth her wing in adversity's shower ; That my constancy with thee must part,
To new ears and new hearts tune her song,
And still look for a sun-shining hour!
Put up my discharge with a smile ;
Face about-prime and load—take a swig,
And march off-to the opposite file.
From the Whigs I should suffer a wrong?
building was that, pointing to the Palais de Justice, Who'd have thought, though so eager their claws, where the law courts are held. “ It is a mill," said
They'd condemn me thus hardly to plead ? an attorney, to quiz the bumpkin. “I thought as Through my prime, I have toiled for your cause much," replied the countryman, “ for I see a good And you've left me, when aged, in need,
many asses at the door with sacks."
THE PALAIS DE JUSTICE.
tainly decide in your favour : therefore, as I have Cries Nell to Tom, 'midst matrimonial strife,
said before, whenever you are chidden, complain as “Curs'd be the hour I first became your wife.” if you were injured. “By all the powers, (said Tom) but that's too bad,
It often happens, that servants sent on messages You've curs'u the only civil hour we've had." are apt to stay out somewhat longer than the message
requires, perhaps two, four, six, or eight hours, of DEAN SWIFT'S RULES FOR SERVANTS IN GENERAL.
some such trifle ; for the temptation to be sure was When your master or lady calls a servant by name, great, and flesh and blood cannot always resist : when if that servant be not in the way, none of you me to you return, the master storms, the lady scolds ; answer, for then there will be no end of your stripping, cudgelling, and turning off, is the word. drudgery: and masters themselves allow, that if a But here you ought to be provided with a set of exservant comes when he is called, it is sufficient. cuses, enough to serve on all occasions; for instance,
When you have done a fault, Le always pert and your uncle came fourscore miles to town this morning, insolent, and behave yourself as if you were the in- on purpose to sce you, and goes back by break o? jured person ; this will immediately put your master day to-morrow: a brother-servant, that borrowed or lady off their mettle.
money of you when he was out of place, was running If you see your master wronged by any of your away to lieland: you were taking Icave of an old felfellow-servants, be sure to conceal it, for fear of low-servant, who was shipping for Barbadoes : your being called a tell-tale : however, there is one ex- father sent a cow to you to sell, and you could no: ception in case of a favourite servant, who is justly get a chapman till mine at night: you were taking hated by the whole family ; who therefore are bound leave of a dear cousin, who is to be hanged neai in prudence to lay all the faults they can upon the Saturday: you wrenched your foot against a stone, favourite.
and were forced to stay three hours in a shop, before The cook, the butler, the groom, the market-man, you could stir a step : some filth was thrown on and every other servant who is concerned in the ex- you out of a garret-window, and you were ashamed penses of the family, should act as if his master's to come home before you were cleaned, and the smeil whole estate ought to be applied to that servant's went off: you were pressed for the sea-service, and particular business. For instance, if the cook com carried before a justice of peace, who kept you three putes his master's estate to be a thousand pounds a hours before he examined you, and you got off with year, he reasonably concludes, that a thousand much a.do: a bailiff by mistake seized you for a pounds a year will afford meat enough, and therefore debtor, and kept you the whole evening in a spunghe need not be sparing ; the butler makes the same ing-house : you were told your master had gone to a judgment, so may the groom and the coachman ; and tavern, and come to some mischance, and your grief ihns every branch of expense will be filled to your was so great that you inquired for his honour in an master's honour.
hundred taverns between Pall Mall and Temple When you are chid before company, (which with Bar. submission to our masters and ladies is an unian Take all tradesmen's parts against your master; nerly practice) it often happens that some stranger and when you are sent to buy any thing, never offer will have the good nature 10 drop a word in your to cleapen it, but generously pay the full demand. excuse; in such a case you will have a good title to This is higlily to your master's honour, and may be justify yourself, and may rightly conclude, that some shillings in your pocket ; and you are to conwhenever he chides you afterwards on other occa sider if your master hath paid too much, he can betsions, he may be in the wrong ; in which opinion you ter afford the loss than a poor tradesman. will be the better confirmed by stating the case to Never submit to stir a finger in any business, but your fellow-servants in your own way, who will cer- that for which you were particularly hired. For es.
ample, if the groom be drunk, or absent, and the buta! Never come till you have been called three or four ler be ordered to shut the stable door, the answer is times; for none but dogs will come at the first whisready, " An piease your honour, I don't understand tle: and when the master calls, “ Who's there?” no horses." Jia corner of the hanging wants a single servant is bound to come; for Who's there is nonail to fasten it, and the footman be directed to body's name. tack it up, he may say he doth not understand that When you
have broken all your earthen drinking sort of work, but his honour may send for the vessels below stairs, (which is usually done in a vpholsterer.
week,) the copper pot will do as well; it can boil Niasters and ladies are usually quarrelling with milk, heat porridge, hold small beer, or, in case of the servants für not shutting the doors after them : necessity, serve for a jorden; therefore apply it indiffor neither masters nor ladies consider, that those ferently to all these uses; but never wash or scour it, doors must be open before they can be shut, and that for fear of taking off the tin. the labour is double to open and shut the doors ; Although you are allowed knives for the servant's. therefore the best, the shortest, and easiest way is, hall at meals, yet you ought to spare them, and make to do neither. But if you are so often teazed to shut use only of your master's. the door, that you cannot easily forget it, then give Let it be a copsiant rule, that no chair, stool, or 1'e door such a clap as you go out, as will shake the table, in the servants'-ball, or the kitchen, shall have whole room, and make every thing rattle in it, to put above three legs, which hath been the ancient and your master and lady in mind that you observe their constant practice in all the families I ever knew, and directions.
is said to be founded upon two reasons; first, to show If you find yourself to grow into favour with your that servants are ever in a toitering condition ; semaster or lady, take some opportunity, in a very mild condly, it was thought a point of humility, that the way, to give ihem warning; and when they ask the servants' chairs and tables should have at least one reuson, and seem loath to part with you, answer that leg fewer than those of their masters. I grant there you wuld rather live with them than any body else, hath been an exception to this rule with regard to the Lui a poor servant is not to be blamed if he strives to cook, who by old custom was allowed an easy-chair better himself; that service is no inheritance, that to sleep in after dinner; and yet I have seldom seen your work is great, and your wages very small. them with above three legs. Now this epidemical ipin which, it your master hath any generosity, he lameness of servants' chairs is by philosophers imwill add five or ten shillings a quarter rather than let puted to two causes, which are observed to make the you go; but if you are balked, and have no mind to greatest revolutions in states and empires; I mean go oil, get some fellow-servant to tell your master love and war. A stcol, a chair, or a table, is the first innat he hath prevailed upon you to stay.
weapon taken up in a general romping or skirmish ; Whatever good bits you can pilier in the day, save and after a peace, the chairs, if they be not very them to junket with your fellow-servants at night ; strong, are apt to sufler in the conduct of an amour, and take in the builer, provided he will give you the cook being usually fat and heavy, and the butler diink.
a little in drink. Write your own name and your sweetheart's with I could never endure to see maid-servants so untlıc sinoke of a candle, on the root of the kitchen, or genteel as to walk the streets with their petticoats the servants’-hall, to show your learning.
pinned up; it is a foolish excuse to allege, their I. vou are a young sighiiy fellow, whenever you petticoats will be dirty, when they have so easy a rewhisper your mistress at the table, run your nose full iedy as to walk three or four times down a clean pair in her cheek; or, if your breath be good, breathe full of stairs after they come home. in: her face : this I have known to have had very When you stop to tattle with some crony servant goud consequences in some familiesa
Tin the same strest, leave your own streel-door open,
that you may get in without knocking when you When you are chidden for a fault, as you go out of come back; otherwise your mistress may know you the room and down stairs, mutter loud enough to be are gone out, and you must be chidden.
plainly heard ; this will make him believe you are I do most earnestly exhort you all to unanimity innocent. and concord; but mistake me not; you may quarrel Whoever comes to visit your master or lady when with each other as much as you please, only always they are abroad, never burden your inemory with the bear in mind, that you have a common enemy, which person's name, for indeed you have too many other is your master and lady, and you have a common things to remember; besides, it is a porter's busicause to defend. Believe an old practitioner ; who- ness, and your master's fault he does not keep oue ; ever, out of malice to a fellow-servant, carries a tale and who can remember names ? and you will certo his master, shall be ruined by a general confede- tainly mistake them, and you can neither write nor racy against him.
read. The general place of rendezvous for all the ser If it be possible, never tell a lie to your master or vants, both in winter and suinmer, is the kitchen ; lady, unless you have some hopes that they cannot there the grand affairs of the family ought to be con- find it out in less than half an hour. When a servant sulted ; whether they concern the stable, the dairy, is turned off, all his faults must be told, although the pantry, the laundry, the cellar, the nursery, the most of them were never known by his master or lady; dining-room, or my lady's chamber; there, as in your and all mischiefs done by others, charge to him. [Inown proper element, you can laugh, and squall, and stance them.) And when they ask any of you, why romp, in full security.
you never acquainted them before? the answer is, When any servant comes home drunk, and cannot * Sir,” or “ Madam, really I was afraid it would make appear, you must all join in telling your master, that you angry; and beside, perhaps, you might think it he is gone to bed very sick ; upon which your lady malice in me.” Where there are little masters and will be so good-natured as to order some comfortable misses in a house, they are usually great impediments thing for the poor man or maid.
to the diversions of the servants; the only remedy is When your master and lady go abroad together to to bribe them with goodly goedies, that they may dinner, or on a visit for the evening, you need leave not tell tales to papa and mamma. only one servant in the bouse, unless you have a I advise you of the servants, whose master lives in blackguard boy to answer at the door, and attend the the country, and who expect vales, always to stand children, if there be any. Who is to stay at home is rank and tile when a stranger is taking his leave, sa to be determined by short and long cuts, and the that he must of necessity pass between you, and be stayer at home may be conforted by a visit from a must have more confidence, or less money than usual, sweetheart, without danger of being caught together. if any of you let himn escape; and according as he be These opportunities must never be missed, because haves himself, remember to treat him the next time they come but sometimes; and all is safe enough ine comes. while there is a servant in the house.
If you are sent with ready money to buy anything When your master or lady comes home, and at a shop, and happen at that time to be one of wants a servant who happens to be abroad, your an- pocket, sink the money, and take up the goods on swer must be, that he had but just that minute stept your master's account. This is for the honour of your out, being sent for by a cousin who was dving. master and yourself ; for he becomes a man of ereda
If your master calls you by name, and you happen at your recommendation. to answer at the fourth call, you need not hurry When your lady sends for you up to her chamber yourself ; and if you be chidden for staying, you may to give you any orders, be sure to stand at the door, Jawfully say, you came no sooner because you did and keep it open, fiddling with the lock all the while not know what you were called for.
she is talking to you, and keep the button in your hand,
for fear you should forget to shut the door, after junket with you at home in an evening, teach them a you.
peculiar way of tapping or scraping ai the kitchenIf your master or lady happen once in their lives to window, which you may hear, but not your master accuse you wrongiully, you are a happy servant; for or lady, whom you must take care not to disturb or you have nothing more to do, than for every fault you frighten at such unseasonable hours. commit while you are in their service to put them in Lay all faults upon a lap-dog, or favourite cat, a mind of that false accusation, and protest yourself monkey, a parrot, a child ; or on the servant who was equally innocent in the present case.
last turned off: by this rule you will excuse your self, When have a mind to leave your master, and do no hurt to any body else, and save your master or are too bashful to break the matter for fear of offend lady from the trouble and vexation of chiding. ing him, the best way is to grow rude and saucy of a When you want proper instruments for any work sudden, and beyond your usual behaviour, till he finds you are about, use all expedients you can invent, it necessary to turn you off; and when you are gone, rather than leave your work undone For jostance, if 10 revenge yourself, give him and his lady such a the poker be out of the way, or broken, stir the fire character to all your brother-servants who are out with the tongs; if the tonys be not at hand, use the of place, that none will venture to offer their service. muzzle of the bellows, the wrong end of the fire
Some nice ladies who are afraid of catching cold, shovel, the handle of the fire-brush, the end of a having observed that the maids and fellows below mop, or your master's cane. If you want paper to stairs often forget to shut the door after them, as they singe a fowl, tear the first book you see about the come in, or go out into the back-yards, have contrived house. Wipe your shoes, for the want of a clout, that a pulley and a rope, with a large piece of lead with the bottom of a curtain, or a damask napkin. at the end, should be so fixed, as to make the door Strip your livery-lace for garters. If the butler wants shut of and require a strong hand to open it, a jorden, he may the great silver cup. which is an immense toil to servants, whose business There are several ways of putting out candles, and may force them to go in and out fifty times in a you ought to be instructed in them all : you may run morning : but ingenuity can do much; for prudent the candle end against the wainscot, which puts tie servants have found out an effectual remedy against snuff out immediately: you may lay it on the ground this insupportable grievance, by tying up the pulley and tread the snuff out with your foot : you may hold in such a manner, that the weight of lead shall have it upside-down, until it is choked with its own no effect ; however, as to my own part, I would ra- grease : or cram it into the socket of the candlestick : ther choose to keep the door always open by laying you may whirl it round in your hand till it goes out : a heavy stone at the bottom of it.
when you go to bed, after you have made water, you The servants' candlesticks are generally broken, for may dip the candle-end into the vase ; you nothing can last for ever. But you may find out may spit on your finger and thumb), and pinch the many expedients ; you may conveniently stick your snuff till it goes out. The cook may run the candle's candle in a bottle, or with a lump of butter against nose into the meal-tub, or the groom into a vessel of the wainscot, in a powder-horn, or in an old shoe, or oats, or a lock of hay, or a heap of litter : the housein a cleft-stick, or in the barrel of a pistol, or upon its maid may put out her candle by running it against a own grease on a table, in a coffee-cup, or a drinking. looking-glass, which nothing cleans so well as candleglass, a horn-can, a tea-pot, a twisted napkin, a snuff': but the quickest and best of all methods is, to mustard-pot, an inkhorn, a marrow-bone, a piece of blow it out with your breath, which leaves the candle dough, or you may cut a hole in the loaf, and stick it clear, and readier to be lighted. there.
There is nothing so pernicious in a family as a tellWhen you invite the neighbouring servants to tale, against whom it must be the principal business