Criticism, and the political intrigues of the Cabinet Ministers of his Infernal Majesty, at Pandemonium, the capital of the Infernal Regions.] BULLUM versus BOATUM. | The counsel for the boat observed, that the bull should be nonsuited, because in his declaration he had not specified what colour he was; for thus wisely and thus learnedly spoke the counsel." My lord, if There were two farmers, farmer A, and farmer B. the bull was of no colour, he must be of some colour; Farmer A was seized or possessed of a bull; farmer and if he was not of any colour, what colour could B was seized or possessed of a ferry-boat. Now the the bull be?" This motion was overruled, by obowner of the ferry-boat, having made his boat serving the bull was a white bull, and that white was urged, they should fast to a post on shore, with a piece of hay twisted is no colour: besides, as rope fashion, or as we say, vulgo vocato, a hay-band. not trouble their heads to talk of colour in the After he had made his boat fast to a post on shore, as law, for the law can colour any thing. This cause both bull and boat were acquitted, it being proved being afterwards left to a reference, upon the award, that the tide of the river carried them both away; bailiff. This opinion being taken, an action was issued, and upon the traverse, this point of law arose, how, wherefore, and whither, why, when, and what, whatsoever, whereas, and whereby, as the boat was not a compos mentis evidence, how could an oath be administered? That point was soon settled by boatum's attorney declaring, that for his client he would swear any thing. it was very natural for a hungry man to do, he went up town to dinner; farmer B's bull, as it was very natural for a hungry bull to do, came down town to look for a dinner; and the bull observing, discover-upon which an opinion was given, that as the tide ing, seeing, and spying out, some turnips in the bot- of the river carried both bull and boat away, both tom of the ferry-boat, the bull scrambled into the bull and boat had a good action against the waterferry-boat-he eat up the turnips, and, to make an end of his meal, he fell at work upon the hay-band: the boat being eat from its moorings, floated down the river, with the bull in it: it struck against a rock-beat a hole in the bottom of the boat, and tossed the bull overboard: whereupon the owner of the bull brought his action against the boat, for runing away with the bull: the owner of the boat brought his action against the bull, for running away with the boat. And thus notice of trial was given Bullum versus Boatum, Boatum versus Bullum. Now the counsel for the bull began by saying, "My lord, and you gentlemen of the jury, we are counsel in this cause for the bull.We are indicted for running away with the boat. Now, my lord, we have heard of running horses, but never of running bulls before. Now, my lord, the bull could no more run away with the boat, than a man in a coach may be said to run away with the horses; therefore, my lord, how can we punish what is not punishable? how can we eat what is not eatable? or how can we drink what is not drinkable? or, as the law says, how can we think on what is not thinkable? Therefore, my lord, as we are counsel in this cause for the bull, if the jury should bring the bull in guilty, the jury would be guilty of a bull." The water-bailiff's charter was then read, taken out of the original record in true law Latin, which set forth in their declaration that they were carried away either by the tide of flood or the tide of ebb, the charter of the water-bailiff was as follows: Aque baliffi est magistratus in choisi, sapor omnibus, fishibus, qui habuerunt finnos, et scalos, claws, shells, et talos, qui swimmare in freshibus, vel saltibus riveris, lukis, pondis, canalibus et well boats, sive oysteri, prawni, whitini, shrimpi, turbutus solus. That is, not turbots alone, but turbots and soles both together. But now comes the nicety of the law; the law is as nice as a new-laid egg, and not to be understood by addle-headed people. Bullum and Boatum mentioned both ebb and flood to avoid quibbling; but it being proved that they were carried away neither by the tide of flood, nor by the tide of ebb, but ex actly upon the top of high water, they were nonsuited; but such was the lenity of the court, upon their paying all costs, they were allowed to begin again, de novo. HOTSPUR'S DESCRIPTION Of a fop. But I remember, when the fight was done, And 'twixt his finger and his thumb he held He his nose and took't away again; gave Who, therewith angry, when it next came there. He call'd them-untaught knaves, unmannerly, With many holiday and lady terms He question'd me; among the rest demanded My prisoners, in your majesty's behalf. I then, all smarting, with my wounds being cold, To be so pester'd with a popinjay, Out of my grief and my impatience, Answer'd neglectingly, I know not what ; A sprightly lady, young and fair, In playful accents thus she spoke ; "See, friend, I toast thy broad-brimm'd hat.” The Quaker smil'd and said, "Thou know'st I ne'er use healths, nor give a toast, Else from thy challenge I'd not shrink; I cheerfully would take my glass, II ABIT OF ANTICIPATION. Lord Avonmore was apt to take up a first impression of a cause, and it was very difficult afterwards to obliterate it. Curran was one day most seriously annoyed by this habit of Lord Avonmore, and he He should, or he should not ;-for he made me mad, took the following whimsical method of correcting it. To see him shine so brisk, and smell so sweet, And talk so like a waiting gentlewoman, He and Curran were to dine together at the house of a mutual friend, and a large party was assembled, Of guns, and drums, and wounds, (God save the many of whom witnessed the occurrences of the mark!) And telling me, the sovereign'st thing on earth morning. Curran, contrary to all his usual habits, was late for dinner, and at length arrived in the most admirably affected agitation. "Why, Mr. Curran, you have kept us a full hour waiting dinner for you," grumbled out Lord Avonmore. "Oh, my dear lord, I regret it much-you must know it is not my custom, but-I've just been witness to a most melancholy occurrence."-" My God!-you seem terribly moved by it-take a glass of wine-what was it what was it?"-"I will tell you, my lord, the mo- | had no objection; but if he preferred the fair game, ment I can collect myself-I had been detained at so be it, he was agreeable to either. GARRICK AND STERNE. THE TURKISH SULTAN. court-in the court of chancery-your lordship knows the chancellor sits late."-" I do-I do-but go on." "Well, my lord, I was hurrying here as fast as ever I could-I did not even change my dress-I Sterne, who used his wife very ill, was one day hope I shall be excused for coming in my boots?"-- talking to Garrick in a fine sentimental manner, i Poh, poh-never mind your boots--the point-praise of conjugal love and fidelity. "The husband," come at once to the point of the story."- -Oh-I said Sterne, "who behaves unkindly to his wife, de will, my good lord, in a moment-I walked here--serves to have his house burnt over his head." "I I would not even wait to get the carriage ready-it you think so," said Garrick, "I hope your horse is would have taken time, you know-now there is a insured." market exactly in the road by which I had to passyour lordship may perhaps recollect the market-do you?" "To be sure I do-go on, Curran-go on with the story."-"I am very glad your lordship remembers the market, for I totally forget the name of it-the name-the name--" "What the devil signifies the name of it, sir?-it's the Castle Market." "Your lordship is perfectly right-it is called the Castle Market. Well, I was passing through that very identical Castle Market, when I observed a butcher preparing to kill a calf-he had a huge knife in his hand-it was as sharp as a razor-the calf was standing beside him-he drew the knife to plunge it into the animal-just as he was in the act of doing so, a little boy about four years old--his only sonthe loveliest little baby I ever saw, ran suddenly across his path-and he killed! O! my God, he killed -"The child!-the child!-the child!"-vociferated Lord Avonmore.-" No, my Lord, the calf," continued Curran, very coolly-" he killed the calf-but-your lordship is in the habit of anticipating." FAIR PLAY His highness was a mau of solemn port, Of Cantemir, or Knolles, where few shine He went to mosque in state, and said his pravers He I left to his vizier all state affairs, And show'd but little royal curiosity: Four wives and twice five hundred maids, unseen, The sack and sea had settled all in time, A captain who knew the world, was playing at The public knew no more than does this rhyme; piquet with a sharper, and saw him shuffing and No scandals made the daily press a curseplacing the cards very adroitly. The captain imme-Morals were better, and the fish no worse. diately did the same, but openly and very deliberately; which the sharper telling him of, he replied, it was very true he did so, because he thought it was the sharper's common mode of playing, to which he He saw with his own eyes the moon was round, His empire also was without a bound: 'Tis true, a little troubled here and there, By rebel pachas, and encroaching giaours, But then they never came to "the Seven Towers;" Except in shape of envoys, who were sent To lodge there when a war broke out, according To the true law of nations, which ne'er meant Those scoundrels, who have never had a sword in Their dirty diplomatic hands, to vent Their spleen in making strife, and safely wording Their lies, yelep'd despatches, without risk or The singeing of a single inky whisker. He had fifty daughters and four dozen sons, Of whom all such as came of age were stow'd, The former in a palace, where like nuns They lived till some bashaw was sent abroad, When she, whose turn it was, wedded at once, FALSTAFF'S CATECHISM. Yea, Well, 'tis no matter honour pricks me on. but how if honour prick me off when I come on? how then? Can honour set to a leg? No. Or an arm? No. Or take away the grief of a wound? No. Honour hath no skill in surgery then? No. What is honour? A word. What is in that word? Honour. What is that honour? Air. A trim rec Sometimes at six years old-though this seems odd, koning.-Who hath it? He that died o' Wednesday. 'Tis true; the reason is, that the Bashaw His sons were kept in prison, till they grew Could yet be known unto the Fates alone; Was princely, as the proofs have always shown: So that the heir apparent still was found No less deserving to be hang'd than crown'd. LEGAL PEARL-DIVERS. Every barrister can "shake his head," and too often, like Sheridan's Lord Burleigh, it is the only proof he vouchsafes of his wisdom. Curran used to call these fellows " legal pearl-divers."- "You may observe them," he would say, "their heads barely under water-their eyes shut, and an index floating behind them, displaying the precise degree of their purity and their depth." WINE AND WIT. Wine is such a whetstone for wit, that if it be often set thereon, it will quickly grind all the steel out, and scarcely leave a back where it found an edge. Doth he feel it? No. Doth he hear it? No. Is it insensible then? Yea, to the dead. But will it not live with the living? No. Why? Detraction will not suffer it-therefore I'll none of it. Honour is a mere escutcheon, and so ends my catechism. AN ODD FISH. Egan, the Irish barrister, was once engaged in a violent controversy with Mr. Grattan, in which the latter designated Mr. E. a black soul writhing in torments. After this dispute there was not a waiter in any considerable town upon the circuit, whose first question to the passenger on his entrance to the hotel was not invariably—“ Sir, would your honour dine--you can have any fish your honour pleases-perhaps your honour would prefer an EGAN.""An Egan, friend, what's an Egan ?"-___“ Lord, sir, I thought Mr. Grattan told every one what an Egan was. It is a black soul (sole) fried." THE FAITHFUL MINIATURE. The miniature, Phyllis, you're showing us now, Proves the artist with you well acquainted; That 'tis monstrously like you, we all must allow,, When we see, as we do, that 'tis painted. Speak the speech, I pray you, as I pronounce it to you, trippingly on the tongue: but if you mouth it, as many of our players do, I had as lief the town-crier spoke my lines. Nor do not saw the air too much with your hand, thus but use all gently for in the very torrent, tempest, and (as I may say) whirlwind of your passion, you must acquire and beget a temperance, that may give it smoothness. O, it offends me to the soul, to hear a robustious perriwig-pated fellow tear a passion to tatters, to very rags, to split the ears of the groundlings; who, for the most part, are capable of nothing but inexplicable dumb shows and noise: I would have such a fellow whipped for out-doing Termagant; it out-herods Herod. Pray you, avoid it. Play. I warrant your honour. Ham. Be not too tame neither, but let your own discretion be your tutor: suit the action to the word, the word to the action; with this special observance, that you o'erstep not the modesty of nature: for any thing so overdone is from the purpose of playing, whose end, both at the first, and now, was, and is, to hold, as 'twere, the mirror up to nature; to show virtue her own feature, scorn her own image, and the very age and body of the time his form and pressure. Now this, overdone, or come tardy off, though it make the unskilful laugh, cannot but make the judicious grieve; the censure of which one, must, in your allowance, overweigh a whole theatre of others. 0, there be players, that I have seen play, and heard others praise, and that highly,-not to speak it profanely, that, neither having the accent of christians, nor the gait of christian, pagan, nor man, have so strutted and bellowed, that I have thought some of nature's journeymen had made men, and not made them well, they imitated humanity so abominably. Play. I hope we have reformed that indifferently with us. Ham O, reform it altogether. And let those that play your clowns, speak no more than is set down for them for there be of them, that will themselves laugh, to set on some quantity of barren spectators to laugh too; though, in the mean time, some necessary question of the play be then to be considered: that's villainous; and shows a most pitiful ambition in the fool that uses it. CATCHING AN ACCENT. A gentleman visited Cheltenham, and during his stay there acquired a most extraordinary habit of perpetually lolling his tongue out of his mouth! "What can he mean by it?" said somebody to Curean." Mean by it," said Curran ; why he means, if he can, to catch the English accent." WITLINGS. of bad wit are the greatest babblers. Many by wit As empty vessels make the loudest sound, so men get wealth, but none by wealth purchase wit. CHARMS OF A DUEL. It has a strange quick jar upon the ear, That cocking of a pistol, when you know A moment more will bring the sight to bear Upon your person, twelve yards off, or so, A gentlemanly distance, not too near, If you have got a former friend for foe: But after being fired at once or twice, The ear becomes more Irish, and less nice. |