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nother, both of whom were extremely ill. “Yes,” said the general, “honour your father and your mother, that your days may be long.” "
Pope's v ERACITY.
Pope Alexander VIth. used to say, when re minded of promises he never intended to perform, “It is true I did make a promise, but I did not take an oath to keep it.”
on AN UCLY OLD WOMAN. .
Whilst in the dark on thy soft hand I hung,
When George the Second was once told by some of his confidential friends, that every thing was complained of, and that the people were extremely dissatisfied at the tardiness of making the public payments, he, in great wrath, sent for the Duke of Newcastle, his prime-minister, and told him he would no longer suffer such infamous delays, but was determined to inspect and regulate the accounts himself; and for this purpose he commanded that the proper papers should be immediately sent to St. James’s. “ They shall be sent to your majesty to-morrow ;” replied the duke. When the king rose in the morning, and looked out of his window, he saw two waggon-loads of papers, each tied with red tape, unloading in the area. Enquiring what they were, he was told they came from the Duke of Newcastle ; to whom he sent to know what it meant. “They are the papers for examination,” said the duke; “twelve more waggons-load for your majesty's inspection shall be sent in the course of the day.”—“ For my inspections" replied the enraged monarch ; “ for my inspection the devil's chief clerk may inspect them, but I would as soon walk barefooted to Jerusalem.”
General Kirk, who had served many years at Tangiers, was pressed by James the Second to become a proselyte to the Romish religion. Kirk expressed great concern that it was not in his power to comply with his majesty’s desire, because he was really pre-engaged. The kingsmiled, and asked him what he meant : “Why, truly,” answered Kirk, “when I was abroad, I promised the Emperor of Morocco, that if ever I changed my religion I would turn Mahometan ; I never did break my word in my life, and I beg leave to say I never will.”
A nabob, in a severe fit of the gout, told his physician he suffered the pains of the damned. The doctor coolly answered, “What, already.”
MATRI MONIAL CONCORD.
Who says that Giles and Joan at discord be
BEN Jonso N.
their lord was not well, and could see no company that day. “But tell him,” said Lacy, “I must see him, for I come to him from the Lord God l’’ which being told the chief-justice, he ordered him to be called in, and asked him his business. “I come,” said he, “from the Lord, who has sent me to thee, and would have thee grant a noli prosequi for John Atkins, who is his servant, and whorn thou hast cast into prison.”—“Thou art a false prophet,” answered Holt, “ and a lying knave ; if the Lord had sent thee, it would have been to the attorney-general, for he knows that it is not in my power to grant a noli prosequi.”
Fi Ne H Al R. The lovely hair that Galla wears Is her's—Who could have thought it 2 She swears 'tis her’s ; and true she swears, For I know where she bought it.
A courtier one day coming out of the House of Lords, accosted a nobleman with, “How does your pot boil, my lord, in these troublesome times " To which the other replied, “I never go into my kitchen ; but I dare say the scum is uppermost.” PURCELL's PUNS.
Daniel Purcell, the famous punster, and a friend of his going to a tavern, found the door shut. They knocked at it, when one of the drawers looked through a little wicket, and asked what they would please to have : “Why open your door,” said Daniel, “and draw us a pint of wine.” The drawer said, ‘‘ his master would not allow of it that day, for it was a fast-day.”— D——n your master,” replied Purcell, “for a precise coxcomb, is he not contented to fast himself, but he must make his doors fast too !”
The same gentleman calling for some pipes in a tavern, complained that they were too short: the drawer said they had no other, and those were but just come in. “ Ay,” said I)aniel, “I see your master has not bought then very long.”
The same gentleman was desired one night in company, to make a pun extempore. “ Upon what subject ’’ said Daniel, “The king,” answered the other. “O ! Sir,” said he, “ the king is no subject.”
An Irish lawyer had a client of his own country, who was a sailor. During his absence at sea, his wife had married again, and he was resolved to prosecute her; coming to advise with this counsellor, he was told that he must have witnesses to prove that he was alive when his wife married again. “Arrah, by my shoul, but that will be impossible,” said the other; “for my shipmates are all gone to sea again upon a long voyage, and will not return this twelvemonth.”— “Oh! then,” answered the lawyer, “there can be nothing done in it; and what a pity it is that such a brave cause should be lost now, only because you cannot prove yourself to be alive.”
betting AND PRAYING.
Two gentleman disputing about religion in a coffee-house, one of them said, “I wonder, sir, you should talk of religion, when I'll hold you five guineas you can't say the Lord's Prayer.”— “Done,” said the other. The money being de ‘posited, the gentleman began with I believe in God, and so went cleverly through the Creed. “Well,” said the other, “I own I have lost; I did not think he could have done it.”
pill ARs AND buttresses.
In the beginning of Queen Anne's reign, three or four rakes reeling home from the Fountain Tavern, in the Strand, on a Sunday morning, cried out, “We are the pillars of the church.”— “No,” said a wag, that happened to be in their company, “ you can be but buttresses; for you never come inside of it.”
Two Si DES OF THE QUESTION. When Oliver first coined his money, an old ca
the courtier, “what I look like, but this I know, that I have had the honour several times to represent your Majesty’s person.”
When Sir Cloudesley Shovel set out on his last expedition, a form of prisyer was composed by the Archbishop of Canterbury for the success of the fleet, in which his grace made use of this expression, “That he begged God would be a rock of defence to the fleet.” Sir Cloudesley was Cast away in that expedition on the rocks called the Bishop and his Clerks, on which circumstance the following lines were written : o The priest at Lambeth pray'd the dire event, Else had we wanted now this monument, That God unto our fleet would be a rock; Nor did kind heav'n the wise petition mock i To what the Metropolitan said then, The Bishop and his Clerks replied, Amen.
A mayor of Yarmouth being by his office a juslice of the peace, and one who was willing to dispense the laws wisely, though he could hardly read, procured the statute-book, where finding a law against firing a beacon, or causing any beacon to be fired after nine at night : the sapient inay or read it, frying bacon, or causing any bacon to be fried. Accordingly he went out the next night on the scent, and being directed by his nose to a carrier's house, he found the man and his wife both frying bacon, the husband holding the pan, while the wife turned it : being thus caught in the fact, and having nothing to say for themselves, his worship committed them both to gaol to abide the consequence of the offence.
AN old PROVERB.
It being proved, on a trial at Guildhall, that a man's name was really inch, who pretended that it was Linch, “I see,” observed the judge, “the old saying is verified in this man, wo. being allowed an Inch has taken an L.
Tom Thynne, who was celebrated for his good housekeeping and hospitality, was standing one day at his gate in the country, when, a beggar came up to him, and begged his worship would give him a mug of his small beer. “Why, how