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ON A DEACON'S WRITING EPIGRAMS. upon it; and cutting jokes, however common-place, is “ A deacon write epigrams ?" Why should he not? assurediy as sprightly as cutting cards, and as huA great name in the church by so doing is got; morous as cutting capers. Whoever first established With innocent wit let his verses be fraught,
these chartered merry-andrews, we ought to wear his And a deacon shall then an arch-deacon be thought. name in our heart's core. Strange that these omni
loquent professors of facetiæ should have left so few AT ALNWICK, IN NORTHUMBERLAND.
names upon the rolls of fame. Brutus was only an Here lieth Martin Elphinston,
amateur fool, who assumed the character for a politiWho with his sword did cut in sun
cal object. We should have known nothing of Yoder the daughter of Sir Harry
rick, the Danish king's jester, had not the gravedigger Crispe, who did his daughter marry :
in Hamlet knocked him about the mazzard with a She was fat and fulsome;
spade. Killigrew was a sort of court jester to Charles But men will some
the Second ; but, not content with saying good things, times eat bacon with their bean,
he ventured upon publishing them; and as his pen And love the fat as well as lean,
was very inferior to his tongue, in which he afforded a contrast to Cowley, Sir John Denham took occasion
to exclaimA convict who was executed at Leicester, and “ Had Cowley ne'er spoke-Killig rewne'er writadopted the singular mode of travelling in a post Combined in one they'd made a matchless wit.” chaise to the place of execution, was no less remark- Considering how few offices and sinecures are aboable for his crimes, than a copious fund of low hu- lished now-a-days, we cannot help regretting that mour. He got the following notice put up in the this should have been selected for extinction, and we most frequented houses in the town : "Wanted, an are tempted to inquire agreeable companion in a post-chaise, to go a journey of considerable length, and upon equal terms.
Why, pray, of late do Europe's kings
No jester in their courts admit?
They 're grown such stately solemn things Unquestionably the most sprightly of all inventions To bear a joke they think not fit.which we owe to the dulness of courts is that of the But though each court a jester lacks professional jester or fool, than which nothing could To laugh at monarchs to their face, have been more expressly and admirably adapted to
All mankind do behind their backs its end. If not witty himself, he was at least the Supply the honest jester's place." cause of wit in others—the butt at which the shalts of their ridicule were shot, and through whom they
NEW CHURCHES. sometimes launched them at their neighbours. The Our rulers still anxious for John Bull's enjoyment, jokes might be poor, quibbling, bald, bad ; but the Propose this decree, father Moses to lurch ; contest was at all events mental ; not so sparkling, Six days shalt thou pine, without food or employment, perhaps, as the fighi between Congreve's intellectual
And march on the seventh devoutly to church. gladiators, but still preferable to what it displaced, for a play upon words is more comical than a play
IN GRANTHAM CHURCH-YARD. upon the ribs; it is better to elicit bad puns from John Palfreyman, who is buried here, one another's sculls, than to be drinking wine out of Was aged four and twenty year ; them ; it is quite as facetious to smoke a quiz as a And near this place his mother lies, segar; a quibble in the head is as comical as a bump Likewise his father when he dies
AMUSEMENTS AT CHELTENHAM.
culated to relieve tedium and increase the charm of The first consideration on rising in the morning at society. Such would actually be the case in any a place of fashionable resort is, how shall the day be other country than this, where the reverse is really spent. The journey thither has been performed for the fact. A starving theatrical company may (if a relaxation ; and the idea of reading, writing, or think theatre exists in the place at all) be seen playing being within doors, is out of the question, or why have fore empty boxes, or a few strangers, unknowing and we left London ? The visitant, therefore, usually de- unknown. A ball now and then, where exclusion termines on a promenade, for the purpose of seeing and stitfness govern every thing, and pleasure is little and being seen. The springs are sadly deficient in more than a name, and a promenade on the same the quantity of water; and by no means, in this re- given spot, constitute all the amusements-to be found spect, to be compared to the sweet, retired, and snug in them. A relentless antisocial spirit rules every Leamington, where there is enough and to spare for thing. All look at each other with suspicion. The bathers and drinkers at all seasons, however numerous aristocracy, real or feigned, legitimate or illegitimate, they may become. The walks in the shade of the trees áread coming in contact with the tradesman; and the at Cheltenham are delightful. The constant resi- tradesman often labours to pass for one of the aristodents at these watering-places are made up of a large cracy, and he often labours so well that he can proportion of card-playing old maids, retiring widow's, scarcely be distinguished, except by sometimes overhali-pay officers with a small fortune, and hypochon-acting his part. Coteries are fornied, the members driacs. These are to be found at all times and sea of which imagine themselves the most select and highsons, and afford an example how vapidly some of our bred circle in the realın. The horror of an amalgafellow-mortals pass their hours. Small-talk, cards, mation by some of the visitants, even in the streets, compliments, remarks upon the weather, with a with those whom ihey pretend to despise, is only sprinkling of scandal that serves to keep the appetite equalled by the patient's dread of water in hydrophoalive for inore, perform the same round incessantly, bia. The pretty faces of the girls are taught by their till life's “ fitful fever," is over, and one is at a loss mammas to assume a look of unwonted scorn at the to find any reasonable excuse for the purpose of such strangers whom mixed company may throw in their mere mechanical existence. There is no better sample way. The silly pretensions of the vaiu are never so of what may be called stagnant wife, than this species strongly marked as in a fashionable spa ; and all the of inhabitant of our spas and watering places ex- brood of folly may be seen tinkling its showy bells hibits. Existence seems in a state of negation-they and strutting in infiated inanity of mind in a manner look too vacant for any residence but the shores of very different from its appearance in the general run Lethe—“ thought would destroy their paradise” — of our cities and towns. Indeed, the best entertainthey seem a forlorn corps, exiled from the mass of the ment for the idler is to watch their workings, from people, high or low; a condemned regiment, kept the brainless coachman-aping peer, to the soapapart from the army to live and die in inglorious ob- maker's lady of Wapping. Like fantoccini moving scurity. The other classes consist of sick visitants, along in the same dance, full of self-pretension-ig. whom the healthy seem inclined to expel from their norant, but fashionable--coarse in manners, but rightful abodes; and the busy and active inhabitants, wealthy-how amusing it is to contemplate such a who draw the means of subsistence equally from all scene: to view it with all “its gaily.gilded trim the other classes.
quick glancing to the sun,” and to read in it one of It might naturally be supposed that towns which the bitterest lessons of reason's humiliation, of worthhave grown up under the pretence of pleasure and lessness of purpose, that the picture of man's life relaxation, would abound with entertainments, cal- ! affords !
How stand they affected to the government civil ? ICHO IN THE REIGN OF CHARLES THE FIRST.
Evil! Now Echo, on what's religion grounded ?
But to the king they say they are most loyal. Round-head!
Lye all !
Then God keep king and state from these same men. Whose its professor most considerable ? Rabble!
Amen! How do these prove themselves to be the godly?
There was a friend of my own,-if we may take But they in life are known to be the holy. his own word for it, a left-handed branch of the Plan
O lie! tagenets, but, when I first knew him, one of the dullWho are these preachers, men or women-common ! est dogs in all Noodledum, -grave as a justice of
Common ! peace, solemn as an undertaker, and as silent as a Come they from any universitie !
quaker deserted by the spirit. Though a high-church
Citie ! Tory, you might have taken the family fireside for a Do they not learning from their doctrine sever? nonconformist conventicle, so simple and unadorned
Ever! was the conversation : at present, every one of its Yet they pretend that they do edifie ;
members might be bound up “to face the title" of
O fie! Colman's Broad Grins. For you are to know that it What do you call it then, to fructify?
pleased heaven, and an eighty-horse powered steamAy!
engine, to make a man of a small cotton-spinner, What church have they, and what pulpits residing in a neighbouring town. This honest trades
Pitts ! man, as he grew rich, grew ambitious. He built a But now in chambers the conventicle;
handsome square mansion, which he (being of Cock
Tickle! ney origin) christened " The All;" and he turned an The godly sisters shrewdly are belied.
oak fence round six acres of meadow, which he dubb
Bellied ! ed “ The Park." He rode likewise in his coach and The godly number then will soou transcend. four, and, agreeably to the dictum of Mons. Cottu,
End! got himself enlisted on the grand jury. Certain peAs for the temples they with zeal embrace them. cuniary obligations conferred by old Twist upon my
Rase them! friend Blackacre enforced an invitation of the former What do they make of bishop's hierarchy ? to the manor-house, which has since grown, not with
Archie . out substantial reasons, into an intimacy; and though Are crosses, images, ornaments their scandall ? old Twist is himself as dull as a post, yet has he dis
All! covered to the Blackacres a mine of wit and fun, Nor will they leave us many ceremonies. which in their whole previous lives they “ had never
Monies ! dreamed of in their philosophy." "Twist's All" Must even religion down for satisfaction. stands very high, and commands an extensive pros
Faction ! pect; on the very first visit the Blackacres were called An allusion probably to Archibald Armstrong, the fool on to admire its city-ation ; and ever since it has been privileged jeater of Charles 1. Iisually called Archy, who a standing joke in the family to make old Twist recur
a quarrel witn archbishop Laud, and of whom many arch twenty times a-day to the cityation of his house, the ied and of little worth which leads the title of Archee's cityation of public affairs, or the cityation of any
thing else, that can press into the service the illa
fated but obsequious polysyllable. The eldest Miss be very happy; but in my present exhausted state, I Twist has likewise an unfortunate predilection for the fear the exertion would be too much for me. I do French word naïveté, though two hundred per annum not know when I have been equal to such an effort. spent during six years at a French boarding-school (He rang for his valet, Fatout entered.) – Fatout, failed in purchasing its right pronunciation. Some when did I play at billiards last ? times she admires navette in the abstract ; sometimes Fatout.- De fourteenth December, de last year, she praises her sisters for their great navieté; but Monsieur.---(Fatout bowed and retired.) most frequently she gives herself credit for an extra The Hon. Jír. Listless,-So it was seven months ordinary share of navitie ;--so ingeniously does she ago. You see Mr. Larynx, you see, sir. My nerves, go wide of her mark! This little bit of slip-slop is Aliss O'Carroll, my nerves are shattered. I have the source of inextinguishable mirth to the Black - been advised to try Bath. Some of the faculty reacres ; the girls take off “ the Twists” in every pos- commend Cheltenham. I think of trying both, as the sible mode of malaprop accentuation ; and the father seasons don't clash. The season you know Jr. Lainvariably brings up the rear with a customary doubt ryox- the season, Miss O'Carroll — the season is every of the genuineness of the article; affirming that the thing. lady is as cunning as a fox, and that her narietie is, Dlarionetta.—And health is something, n'est ce in plain English, nothing more than mere knavery: pas, Larynx ? In this manner has the spectacle of we inferiority of The Rev. Mr. Larynx.--Most assuredly Miss the Twists roused the Blackacres to a sense of their O'Carroll--for however reasoners may dispute about own wit and spirit. The lapsus linguæ of the manu. the summum bonum, none of them will deny that a facturers keep the tongues of the agriculturalists in in very good dinner is a very good thing, and what is a cessant activity. The incongruities in their dress and good dinner without a good appetite? and whence is furniture preserve their gentle-blooded neighbours in a good appetite but from good health? Now Chelperpetual good-humour with themselves; and old tenham, Jr. Listless, is famous for good appetites. Twist's mismanagement of his land, which he will The Hon. Jir. Listless.- The best piece of logic I farm himself at a loss of thirty per cent. has almost ever heard. Mr. Larynx, the very best I assure you. reconciled Blackacre to the idea that the ground is I have thouglit very seriously and profoundly, I no longer his own,
have thought of it--let me see-when did I think of
it ? (he rang again, and Fatout re-appeared.) FaSHERIDAN'S ANCESTORS.
tout ! when did I think of going to Cheltenham, and
did not go ? Sheridan's father one day descanting on the pedi Fatout.-De Juillet twenty-one de last summer, gree of his family, was regretting that they were no Monsieur. (Fatout retired.) longer styled O'Sheridan, as they had been formerly;
The Hon. Mr. Listless.---So it was. An invaluable “ Indeed, father," replied the late celebrated charac-fellow that, Mr. Larynx--invaluable, Miss ()'Carroll. ter, then a boy, we have more right to the O than
Marionetta.-So I should judge, indeed. lle seems any one else—for we owe every body.'
to serve you as a walking memory, and to be a living chronicle not of your actions only, but of your
thoughts. A Scene from Nightmare Abbey.
The Hon. Mr. Listless.---An excelleat definition of The Rev. Mr. Larynx approached the sofa, and the fellow. Aliss O'Carroll--excellent, upon my ho
nour--Ha! ha! ha! Heigh ho! laughter is a pleaproposed a game at billiards.
The Hon. Air, Listless.- Billiards ! really I should sure, but the exertion of it is too much for me.
I love those sounds to analyze,
From childhood's shrill ecstatic cries, A gentleman presenting, familiarly, Mr. Penn, the
To age's chuckle with its coughing after ; pedestrian, to a lady of his acquaintance, “Madam, To see the grave and the genteel (said he) this is the queer Penn, that walked against Rein in awhile the mirth they feel, Danvers Butler, and he is not so great a fool as he Then loose their muscles, and let out the laughter. looks to be." • Madam, (answered Penn) there lies
Sometimes I note a hen-peck'd wight, the difference between him and me.”
Enjoying thy marital might,
To him a beatific beau idéal;
He counts each crack on Judy's pate,
Then homeward creeps to cogitate Dost the old vagrant stage renew,
The difierence 'twixt dramatic wives and real, Peerless, inimitable Punchinello!
But, Punch, thou’rt ungallant and rude The queen of smiles is quite undone
In plying thy persuasive wood;
Remember that thy cudgel's girth is good,
Establish'd wife-compelling stick,
Made legal by the dictum of judge Buller, Waking associations melancholic;
When the oilicious doctor hies But that which heralds thee, recalls
To cure thy spouse, there's no surprise All childhood's joys and festivals,
Thou shouldst receive hin with nose-tweaking And inakes the heart rebound with freak and frolic.
Nor can we wonder that the mob
Encores each crack upon his nob,
When thou art feeing him with oaken sapling. gibber Sweeter than siren voices— fraught
Old Nick, we all rejoice to see With richer merriment than aught
The coup de grace that silences his wrangle; That drops from witling mouths, though uttera But, lo, Jack Ketch!-ah, welladay! glibber!
Dramatic justice claims its prey,
And thou in hempen handkerchief must dangle. What wag was ever known before
Now helpless bang those arms which once To keep the circle in a roar,
Rattled such music on the sconce; Nor wound the teelings of a single hearer ?
Hush'd is that tongue which late out-jested Yorick; Engrossing all the jibes and jokes,
That hunch behind is shrugo'd no more, Unenvied by the duller folks,
No longer heaves that paunch before, A barmless wit-an unmalignant jeerer.
Which swagg’d with such a pleasantry plethoric. The upturn'd eyes I love to trace
But Thespian deaths are transient woes, Of wondering mortals, when their face
And still less durable are those It all alight with an expectant gladness;
Suffer'd by lignum-vitæ malcfactors; To mark the flickering giggle first,
Thou wilt return, alert, alive, The growing grin-the sudden burst,
And long, oh long may'st thou survive, Aud universal shout of merry madness.
First of lead-breaking and side-splitting actors ! 2 A 2