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inother, both of whom were extremely ill.
PRUDENT ADVICE. Yes," said the general,“ honour your father
Among the tombs in Westminster-abbey is one and your mother, that your days may be long."
to the memory of a nabob who is said to have acPope's VERACITY.
quired a large fortune in the east by dishonourable
means. The monument describes the resurrection; Pope Alexander V Ith. used to say, when re
the defunct is represented as rising from the grave, minded of promises he never intended to perform, with astonishment in his face, and opening a cur: “ It is true I did make a promise, but I did not tain to see what is the matter. Soine wag wrote take an oath to keep it.”
under the figure :
Lie still if you're wise ;
You'll be damn’d if you rise.
ON A MISER AND A SPENDTHRIFT. And heard the tempting Syren in thy tongue ; Rich Gripe does all his thoughts and cunning bend, What flames, what darts, what anguish I endur'd! T' increase that wealth he wants a soul to spend ; But when the candle enter'd, I was cur'd. Poor Shifter does his wbole contrivance set
To spend that wealth he wants the sense to get ; ROYAL REGULATION.
How happy would to each appear his fate, When George the Second was once :old by some Had Gripe his humour, or he Gripe's estate, of his confidential friends, that every thing was Kind Fate and Fortune, blend 'em if you can! complained of, and that the people were extreme- And, of two wretches, make one happy man. ly dissatisfied at the tardiness of making the public
STAUNCA PIETY. payments, he, in great wrath, sent for the Duke of Newcastle, his prime-minister, and told him he General Kirk, who had served many years at would no longer suffer such infamous delays, but Tangiers, was pressed by James the Second to be was determined to inspect and regulate the ac- come a proselyte to the Romish religion. Kirk counts himself; and for this purpose he command- expressed great concern that it was not in his ed that the proper papers should be immediately power to comply with his majesty's desire, because sent to St. James's. • They shall be sent to your he was really pre engaged. The king smiled, and majesty to-morrow ;” replied the duke. When asked hiin what he meant ? Why, truly," anthe king rose in the morning, and looked out of swered Kirk, " when I was abroad, I promised his window, he saw two waggon-loads of papers, the Emperor of Morocco, that if ever I changed each tied with red tape, unloading in the area. my religion I would turn Mahometan; I never Enquiring what they were, he was told they came did break my word in my life, and I beg leave to from the Duke of Newcastle; to whom he sent to say I never wili." know wbat it meant. “ They are the papers for
A PARSON'S DREAD, examination," said the duke; “twelve more waggons-load for your majesty's inspection shall In a storm at sea, the chaplain asked one of the be sent in the course of the day."_" For my in- crew, if he thought there was any danger. “O spection!” replied the enraged monarch ; * for yes,” replied the sailor; “if it blows as hard as my inspection ! the devil's chief clerk may inspect it does now, we shall all be in heaven before twelve them, but I would as soon walk barefooted to Je- o'clock at night." The chaplaio terrified at the rusalem."
expression, cried out, “ The Lord forbid.”
UNEXPECTED MEETING. The Captain of a West-Indiaman having bought A young author was reading a tragedy to agena horse, said to the jocky,“ Well, now the horse tleman, who soon discovered that he was a great is mine, pray tell me candidly whether he has plagiarist. The poet perceiving his auditor verv any faults, and what they are.".-“ What do you often pull off his hat at the end of a line, asked mean to do with him?" said the other. Why, him the reason. “ I cannot pass an old acquaint. to take liim to sea," answered the captain. ance,” replied the critic,“ without that civility." " Then I will be candid," replied the jockey, “ he may go very well at sea ; but on land he
EPIGRAM. cannot go at all, or I would not have sold him.” It is a maxim in the schools,
That women always doat on fools ;
* If so, dear Jack, I'm sure your wife Sir Robert Walpole, during liis long adminis Must love you as she does her life. tration, was always averse to notions (though
WHITE-WASHING GENIUS. many were made) against the publishers of parliamentary debates," because," said he, good na A wretched artist was talking pompously about turedly," they make better speeches for us than decorating the ceiling of his saloon. we do for ourselves.”
white-washing it,” said he," and in a short time
I shall begin painting.”—“ I think you had THE WELSHMAN AND HIS HOST.
better,” replied one of his audience, paint it A Welshman coming late into an inn,
first, and then white-wash it." Asked of the inaid, what meat there was within ?
NEGATIVE SUCCESS OF A PLAY. Cow-heels, she answered, and a breast of muiton ; But, quoth the Welshman, since I am no glution, which a very dull play was talked of, attempted
A person being present at a conversation in Either of these shall serve ; to night the breast, The heels at morning; then light meat is best ;
a defence of it by saying, “it was pot hissed."At night, be took the breast, and did not pay,
“ True,” said another, “ I grant you that; but po At morning, took his heels and rgu away.
one can hiss and gape at the same time.”
TRIVIAL WAGER. THE INGENIOUS LAWYER. A counsellor was one day asked by a judge why exclaimed a warm and duil orator, to the presi
" I will forfeit my head if you are not wrong," he was always employed in kpavish causes. dent Montesquieu in an argument.
Why, my lord," said the counsellor, “ I have been so much in the habit of losing good causes, friends has a value.”
it,” replied the philosopher ; “any trifle among that I think I had better undertake bad ones.”
Mr. Andrew Cherry, the performer, having reA writer in one of the regiews, was boasting,ceived an offer for an engagement from a manager, that he was in the habit of distributing literary re- who had not behaved altogether well to him, sent putation. “ Yes,” replied his friend, “ and you him word, “that he had been bit by bim 'once, have done it so profusely that you have left none and he was resolved that he should not make two for yourself."
biles of A. Cherry."
“ I accept
their lord was not well, and could see no company A nabob, in a severe fit of the gout, told his phy- see him, for I come to him from the Lord God!"
that day. “ But tell him," said Lucy, “I must sician he suffered the pains of the damned. The which being told the chief-justice, he ordered him doctor coolly answered, “What, already.”
to be called in, and asked him his business. "I MATRIMONIAL CONCORD,
come,” said he, “ from the Lord, who has sent me Who says that Giles and Joan at discord be?
to thee, and would have thee grant a noli prosequi Th' observiug neighbours no such mood can see.
for John Atkins, who is his servant, and whorn Indeed, poor Giles repeots he married ever ;
thou hast cast into prison."-" Thou art a false But that his Joan doth too. And Giles would never prophet,” answered Holt," and a lying knave ; By his free will be in Joan's company :
if the Lord had sent thee, it would have been to No more would Joan he should. Giles rises early, in my power to grant a noli prosequi.”
the attorney-general, for he knows that it is not And having got him out of doors is glad ; The like is Joan. But turning home is sad;
A courtier one day coming out of the House of If now, with man and wife, to will and nill Lords, accosted a nobleman with, “How does The self-same things, a note of concord be, your pot boil, my lord, in these troublesome I know no couple better can agree.
times ? To which the other replied," I never go
BEN JONSON. into my kitchen ; but I dare say the scum is A FIRST APPEARANCE.
PURCELL'S PUNS. The late Duke of Norfolk was much addicted to the bottle. On a masquerade night, he asked
Daniel Purcell, the fimo!is punster, and a friend Foote what new character he should go in.
• Go of his going to a tavern, found the door shut. They
knocked at it, when one of the drawers looked sober,” said Foote.
through a little wicket, and asked what they CONVENIENT NAP.
would please to have? Why open your door," Two Oxford scholars slept in the same room at said Daniel, “ and draw us a pint of wine.” The college. “ Jack," said one, carly in the morn- drawer said, “ his master would not allow of it ing, are you asleep?”—“ Why?” replied the that day, for it was a fast-day.” — D
--n your other, “ Because if you are not, I will borrow master,” replied Purcell, “ for a precise coxcomb), half-c-crown of you.”—“Is that all? Then I am." is he not contented to fast bimself, but he musí
make his doors fast too ?” FALSE PROPHET.
The same gentleman calling for some pipes in When Jord-chief-justice Holt sent one of the a tavern, complained that they were too shori; French prophets to prison, Mr. Lacy, one of their the drawer said they had no other, and those were followers ciime to his lordship’s house, and de- but just come in. Ay,” said Daniel, sired to speak with hin. The servants told him your master liazs not bought theın very long."
" I see
The same gentleman was desired one night in /valier, Jonking upoo one of the new pieces, read company, to make a pon extempore. Upon this inscription on one side,“ God with us," on what subject ?” said Daniel, “The king," answer the other, " The Commonwealth of England.”ed the other. "0! Sir," said he, “ the king is “ I see," said he,“ God and the commonwealth no subject.”
are on different sides.” IRISH LAW.
WELSH PRIDE. An Irish lawyer had a client of his own coun A Welshman boasting of his family, said, his fatry, who was a sailor. During his absence at ther's effigy was set up in Westminster Abbey. sea, his wife had married again, and he was re Being asked where, he said, “ In the same monusolved to prosecute her; coming to advise with ment with 'Squire Thyone's ; for he was his this counsellor, he was told that he must have wit-coachman.” nesses to prove that he was alive when his wife married again. " Arrah, by my shoul, but that
SAMPSON'S STRENGTH SURPASSED. will be impossible,” said the other ; " for my
A person was saying, not at all to the purpose, shipmates are all gone to sea again upon a long that Sampson was a very strong man. voyage, and will not return this twelvemonth."
said another, " but you are much stronger, for “ Oh! then," answered the lawyer, “ there can you make nothing of lugging him in by the head be nothing done in it: and what a pity it is that and shoulders." such a brave cause should be lost now, only be
THE MINISTRY. cause you cannot prove yourself to be alive.”. BETTING AND PRAYING.
An oppositionist happening to be at a dinner
at the lord mayor's, after two or threc healths, Two gentleman disputing about religion in a cof- the ministry was toasted ; but when it came fee-bouse, one of them said, “I wonder, sir, you to his turn to drink, he diverted it for some should talk of religion, when I'll hold you five time, by telling a story to the person who sat next guineas you can't say the Lord's Prayer."- him. The chief magistrate of the city, not seeing
Done,” said the other. The money being de his toast go round, called out, “ Gentlemen, where 'posited, the gentleman began with I believe in God, sticks the ministry ?"_" At nothing, by G-d," and so went cleverly through the Creed. Well," said the oppositionist, and drank off his glass, said the other, “I own I have lost; I did not think he could have dove it."
A barrister who was lame of one leg, pleading PILLARS AND BUTTRESSES.
betore a late judge, who had little or no nose, the In the beginning of Queen Anne's reign, three judge told him, he was afraid he had but a lame or four rakes reeling home from the Foun- cause of it. " Oh, my lord," said the barrister, tain Tavern, in the Strand, on a Sunday morning," have but a little patience, and I'll warrant i cried out, " We are the pillars of the church.". prove every thing as plain as the nose in your si No,” said a wag, that happened to be in their face." company, “ you can be but buttresses; for you
FLATTERING RESEMBLANCE. never come inside of it."
A prince laughing at one of his courtiers, whom TWO SIDES OF THE QUESTION.
he had employed in several embassies, told him he When Oliver first coined his money, an old ca- looked like an owl. “ I know not, answered
the courtier, “ what I look like, but this I know,
THE POOR SCHOLAR. that I have had the honour several times to represent your Majesty's person.”
A beggar asking alms under the name of a poor
scholar, a gentleman, to whom he applied, asked PETITION ANSWERED,
him a question in Latin. The fellow shaking his Wben Sir Cloudesley Shovel set out on his last head, said, he did not understand him. “ Why,”
“ did not you say you were a expedition, a form of prayer was composed by said the gentleman, the Archbishop of Canterbury for the success of poor scholar!”—“ Yes,” replied the other, the fleel, in which bis grace iade use of this ex- poor one indeed, sir, for I do not understand one
word of Latio." pression, “That he begged God would be a rock of defence to the deet." Sir Cloudesley was cast
CONVENIENT LOSS. away in that expedition on the rocks called the Bishop and his Clerks, on which circunstance
It was said of one who remembered every thing the following lines were written :
that he lent, but nothing that he borrowed, that The priest at Lambeth pray'd the dire event,
he had lost half his memory. Else had we wanted now ihis monument,
An Englishman and a Welshman disputing in To what the Metropolitan said then,
whose country was the best living; the Welchman The Bishop and his Clerks replied, Amen.
said, “ There is such noble housekeeping in Wales
that I have known above a dozen cooks employMAGISTERIAL LEARNING,
ed at one wedding dinnner.”_" Ay," answered A mayor of Yarmouth being by his office a jus- the Englishman, " that was because every inan tiee of the peace, and one who was willing to toasted his own cheese." dispeose the laws wisely, though he could hardly
JERVAIS, THE PAINTER, read, procured the statute-book, where finding a Jaw against firing a beacon, or causing any beacon
Sir Godfrey Kneller being one day told by his to be fired after nine at night; the sapient mayor servant that Mr. Jervais had come ihat day into read it, frying bacon, or causing any bacon to be the same town with a coach and four. " Ay,' said fried. Accordingly he went out the next night on
Sir Godfrey “if his horses draw no better thae the scent, and being directed by his nose to a car-himself, they'll never carry him to town again.” rier's house, he found the man and his wife both
WORSTED AND SILK. frying bacon, the husband holding the pan, wbile the wife turned it; being thus caught in the fact,
A gentleman once asked Nanny Rochford, wby and having nothing io say for themselves, his wor- the Whigs, in their mourning for Queen Anne, ali ship committed them both to gaol to abide the wore silk stockings ? Because," said she,
" the Tories wear worsted.” consequence of the offence. AN OLD PROVERB.
THE MODEST BEGGAR. It being proved, on a trial at Guildhall, that a Tom Thynne, who was celebrated for his good man's vame was really Inch, who pretended that housekeeping and hospitality, was standing one it was Linch,“ I see,” observed ihe judge, “ the day at his gate in the country, when a beggar old saying is verified in this man, who being al- came up to him, and begged his worship would lowed an Inch bas taken an L.
give hiin a mug of his small leer. Why, how