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Magistrate—“ Did she strike you first?” Husband.—“No, your worship, but if you'll please to hear my tale, you shall know all about its first, if you’ll please to hear me, you must know that I is of a very hot temper, and she's plaguy hot well as I ; well, so you know, says I to her yan morning, Bessy, my lass, we'll split our disturbances, t'ane of us shall be maister yan year, and t'other of next year, in regular succension; well, please your worship, she agreed to this regularment, and she been't maister all to last year; the time you know, that her time expired was last Friday four months. Well, your worship, of Friday four month's I told you that I was ganning to be’t maister; well, do you know, your worship, she took to law into her own hands, and said she’d be felled if she would’ nt renain maister for 1'next year ; so I has put mp with the degradation till last Friday— wer’nt it that day, Bessy " Wife.—“Till last Friday.” Husband—“Well, and then as how I thought ('law trad authorize ine to baist her, as she had Ya'en tolaw into her hands. (Much laughter.) Magistrate.—“Woman, what have you to say to this ingenuous defence 2" Wife.—“Please, your worship, I know I'se guilty of the alledgement he has lain again me; I”se sorry for what I've done! I hope as that you'll forgive me this time, and I'll try him (pointing to her husband) till he misbehaves himself again.” The magistrate then advised her in future to let her husband be the master, and, after making mutual promises to kiss and be friends, they retired.
A dog y.ng open-mouthed at a serjeant upon a march. he ran the spear of his halbert into his throat and killed him. The owner was quite indignant that his dog was killed, and asked the serieant why he could not as well have struck at porn with the blunt end of his halbert “So I would,” said he, “if he had run at me with his tail.”
FontiTUDE OF A SAILOR.
A veteran, at the battle of Trafalgar, who was actively employed at one of the guns, having his leg shot off below the knce, observed to an officer, “That’s but a shilling touch; an inch higher and I should have had my eighteen-pence for it;” alluding to the scale of pensions allowed for wounds. The same man, as they were lifting him on a brother tar's shoulders, said to one of his friends, “Bob, take a look for my leg, and give me the silver buckle out of my shoe I’ll do as much fol you, please God, some other tine.”
A doti NG husbAND.
At the time when Frederick Moul was engaged in translating Lebanius, a servant came to tell him, that his wife, who had long been in a declining state, was very ill, and wished to speak to him. “Stop a minute, stop a minute,” said he, “I have but two sentences to finish, and then I will be with her directly.” Another messenger came to announce, that she was at the last gsp. “I have but two words to write,” answered he, and “then I'll fly to her.” A moment after word was brought to him, that she had expired. “Alas! I am very sorry for it,” cz claimed the tranquil husband, “she was the best wife in the world !” Having uttered this brief funeral ora tion. he went on with his work.
MATRIMONIAL Aff ECTION.
In a village in Picardy, a farmer's wife, after long sickness, fell into a lethargy. Her husband was willing, good man, to believe her out of pain; and so, according to the custom of that country, she was wrapped in a sheet, and carried out to be buried. But, as ill-luck would have it, the bearers carried her so near a hedge, that the thorns pierced the sheet, and waked the woman from her trance. Some years after, she died in reality; and, as the funeral passed along, the husband would every now and then call out “Not too near the hedge, not too near the hedge, neiglbours.
Some of our reverend gentlemen, who are denominated popular preachers, display great ingenuity in their choice of suitable texts. At an anniversary sermon before the Chelsea pensioners, a discourse was a few days since delivered from the following apposite text:—“Remember thy Creator in the days of thy youth, before the evil days come, and the days in which thou shalt say, I have no pleasure in them.” A gentleman, who preached a sermon before the society for recovering persons apparently drowned.; selected the following:— “Trouble not yourselves about him, for he is not dead.” For a wedding scrimon preached a short time since, at a country town in Shropshire, a rewerend gentleman took part of the story of Jepthah's daughter:—“And she went upon the moun
tains and bewailed her virginity.” And a reverend dean, who published a sermon for the benefit of the poor clergy in a provincial diocese, properly enough selected the following:—“Set on the great pot and seeth pottage for the sons of the prophets.”
A gentleman enquiring of a naval officer why sailors generally take off their shirts when going into action, was answered, “ that they were unwilling to have any check to fighting.”
PROFESSIONAL DUti ES MUST BE Performed,
An attorney presenting a copy of a writ to an auctioneer apologised for his unfriendly visit, as he was merely performing an unpleasant duty of his profession. “Certainly not,” said the auctioneer, “you must attend to the duties of your profession and so must I to mine ;” and instantly knocked him down.
the Cltow N.