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THE QUAFER AND THE BARY.
KEEPING A SECRET. When old Methuselah gave up the ghost,
Dr. Paul Hiffernan, an author of no celebrity, but And sought his fathers in the silent tomb He left Aminadab to rule the roast,
kept in countenance by Garrick, sober or drunk never
revealed his residence : he frequented the coffeeAnd winged his soul away to kingilom come. houses, and had his letters addressed there, but he karcely bad Death his glimmering eyelids closed, The latent ebb of life composed,
ever adroitly evaded letting any one know where he
lodged. The wits and wags of the day tried every When master Broadbrim, like a hopeful heir, Pored o'er his father's will aud dropped the onioned Duke of Northumberland, used to spend his even
expedient, but in vain. Mr. Dossie, secretary to the tear.
ings at Slaughter's coffee-house, and he had the Onion's a very useful thing,
eccentric, or oud way of insisting upon seeing the last Wrapperl in a muslin handkerchief so white !
of the company home ; and, as Hiffernan was no To draw the rear from etiquette's soft spring, At funerals-a pretty sight
starter from the bottle, they were frequently the last.
The latter, however, had the anidress to defeat his And much in vogue with mutes and undertakers;
friend's politeness ; for finding that apologies," Whose frothy sorrows foam, like ocean's breakers.
and “ declining the friendly office," " that he lodged Tlius young Aminadab, in Irish knell,
a long way off,” &c., all in vain, he then fairly set O'er father's corse and will 'gan yearn ;
out towards the city. Dossie persisted till he had got When, lo! a gift of halt a barn
to St. Paul's church-yard : * Pray. doctor, do you To Hezekiah,
live much farther ?”'_« Oh yes, sii?” says the doctor, Stopp'd short at once the dismal yell,
" and on that account I told you it would be giving And made his glistening eyeballs glow with ire.
you a great deal of trouble." This revived the other's Whoe'er has felt blithe Cupid's golden dart, Tipt with that Mohawk Jealousy's cursed poison, Royal Exchange.
civility, and on they marched till they reached the
Here the question was asked Won't wonder our young squire should start
again, when the doctor, who found him lagging, and To fix his willow-weeping eyes on
thought he could venture to name some place, replied, A gift to neighbour Hezekiah,
that “ he lived at Bow.” This answer decided the Who had just robbed his arms of prime Miss Dinah. contest ; Mr. D. confessing he was not able to walk Lowe'er he plaiied o'er his frantic face,
so far, and wishing the doctor a good night, walked Tho' most tremendously against the grain, back to his lodgings, near Charing Cross, with great and vented passion with a grace,
composure. And as soon as Mr. Dossie had fairly When father safely in the ground was lain. got the start, Dr. Hiffernau walked boire to bis own Writing a billet to his rival,
lodgings, in one of the little courts in St. Martin's (iVhich, to be sure, was wonderous civil) Lane. He told him, iu a style so warm,
Friend Hez, I find part of a barn,
Caroline, queen of George II. died of a mortifica) therefore trust thy stars will be so kind,
tion in her bowels, and her body was twisted with As to give thee a western wind,
towels ; the usual method practised in that disorder. When of the eastern part I make a fire !"
As she would not be reconciled to her son even on GARRICK'S ACTING.
her death-bed, the circumstance gave rise to the folLord Chesterfield once said to Mr. Garrick, lowing lines : " David, you are an acior every where but upon the Here lies wrapt up in twenty towels, stage."
The only proof that Caroline had bowels.
BOWELS OF COMPASSION,
the curtain drew up! but, when she came to the Lord Chesterfield, on seeing a lady wbo was a re- scene of parting with her wedding-ring, ah! what a puted jacobite, adorned with orange ribands, at the sight was there! the very fiddlers in the orchestra, anniversary ball at Dublin, in memory of king
albeit, unused to the melting mood," blubbered William, thus addressed her extempore
like hungry children crying for their bread and butThou litile tory, where's the jest
ter; and when the beli rang for music between the
acts, the tears ran from the bassoon players' eyes in To wear those ribands in thy breast; When that same breast, betraying, shows
such plentiful showers, that they choked the fingerThe whiteness of the rebel rose.
stops, and making a spout of the instrument, poured in such torrents on the first fiddler's book, that, not
seeing the overture was in two sharps, the leader of The following whimsical account of Mrs. Siddons's the band actually played in one fat. But the sobs first appearance in Dublin, is extracted from an old and sighs of the groaning audience, and the noise of Irish newspaper.—“On Saturday, Mrs. Siddons, corks drawn from the smelling bottles, prevented the about whom all the world has been talking, exposed mistake between the flats and sharps being discovered. her beautiful, adamantine, soft, and lovely person, for one hundred and nine ladies fainted ! forty-six went the first time, at Smock-Alley Theatre, in the bewitch-into fits! and ninety-five had strong hysterics ! The ing, melting, and all-tearful character of Isabella. world will scarcely credit the truth, when they are From the repeated panegyrics in the impartial London told that fourteen children, tive old women, one hunnewspapers, we were taught to expect the sight of a dred tailors, and six common-councilmen, were acheavenly angel ; but how were we supernaturally from the galleries, the slips, and the boxes, to in
tually drowned in the inundation of tears that flowed surprised into the most awful joy, at beholding a mortal goddess. The house was crowded with bun- crease the briny pond in the pit ; the ater was three dreds more than it could hold, with thousands of ad- fee: deep, and the people that were obliged to stand miring spectators, that went away without a sight. upon the benches, were in that position up to their This extraordinary phenomenon of tragic excellence! ankles in tears ! An act of parliament against her this star of Delpomene ! this comet of the stage ! this playing any more will certainly pass.” sun of the firmament of the Muses! this moon of blank verse! this queen and princess of tears ! this Donnellan of the poisoned bowl! this empress of the pistol and dagger! this chaos of Shakspeare! this
The phrase " eating a child,” is probably of mysworld of weeping clouds! this Juno of coinmanding terious import to many persons, though perfectly well aspects ! this Terpsichore of the curtains and scenes? understood by those rersed in the dialect used among this Proserpine of fire and earthquake! this Katter: parochial officers. To assist the uninitiated, the folfelto of wonders ! exceeded expectation, went beyond lowing story, founded on fact, may be a sufficient belief, and soared above all the natural powers of
illustration. description! She was nature itself! She was the At Knightsbridge, at a tavern calied the Swan, most exquisite work of art! She was the very daisy, Churchwardens, overseers, a jolly clan, primrose, tuberose, sweet-brier, furze-blossom, gilli Ordered a dinner, for themselves and friends; Aower, wallflower, cauliflower, aurica, and rosemary! A very handsome dinner, of the best : In short, she was the bouquet of Parnassus ! Where Lo! to a turn the different joints were dresselexpe tation was raised so high, it was thought she Their lips, wild licking, every man commends. would be injured by her appearance; but it was the Loud was the clang of plates, and knives, and torks ; audience who were injured : several fainted before Delightful was the sound of c!uet corks,
THE CHURCH WARDEN, OR THE FEAST ON A CHILD.
That stopped so close and lovingly the bottle : Forth ran th' obedient landlord with good will, Thou Savoir vivre club, and jen' sais quoi,
Thinking most naturally upon the bill.
Deep and deep-blushing from the generous pottle. Not to be heard by any in the room,
Yet which, like claps of thunder, did confound, The landlord was as busy as a bee
“Do you know any thing of Betty Broom ?" Yes, Larder skipped like harlequin so light; Sir ?" answered Larder, stammering—“Sir? what In bread, beer, wine, removal swift of dishes, Nimbly anticipating all their wishes
Yes, sir, yes yes—she lived with Mistress Now this, to man voracious as a kite,
Larder; Is pleasant as the trencher-heroes hate
may I never move, por never stir, All obstacles that keep them from the plate,
If but for impudence we did discard her! As much as jockeys on a running horse
No, Mister Guttle-Betty was too brassyCurse cows or jack-asses that cross the course. We never keep a servant that is saucy.” Nay, here's a solid reason too; for mind,
“But, landlord-Betty says she is with child.".
I'm sure that never suited with my taste.
I had been wicked with the girl-alack,
Why, zounds, she would have catched me in a
And then he bowed again in such a style ! Curse her! she always watched me like a cat.
Therefore it never can be true, you see
“Well," answered Guttle, “Man, I'll tell ye whatThe floor.
Your wind and eloquence you now are wasting : Now in an altered tone-a tone of gravity,
Whether Miss Betty hit your taste or not, Unto the landlord full of smiles and suavity,
There's good round proof enough that you've been Did Mister Guttle, the churchwarden, call
tasting. " Come hither, Larder,” said soft Mister Guttle, And, Larder, you've a wife, 'tis very true, With solemn voice and fox-like face so subtle Perhaps a little somewhat of a shrew;
“ Larder, a little word or two, that's all.”
WONDERS OF TIIE ANCIENTS.
But Betty was not a bad piece of stuff.”
“ This is a damn'd affair, I can't but sayWell, Mister Guttle, may I drop down dead, Sir, please to accept a note of twenty pound , If ever once I crept to Betty's bed?
Contrive another father may be found ; And that, I'm sure, is swearing strong enough." And, sir, here's not a halfpenny to pay." “ But, Larder, all your swearing will not do,
Thus eaded the affair, by prudent treaty ; If Betty swears that she's with child by you.
For who, alas ! would wish to make a pother? Now Betty came and said she'd swear at once Gutile next morning went and talked to Betty, But you know best-yet mind, if Betty'll swear, When Betty swore the bantling to another. And then again! should Mistress Larder hear,
The Lord have mercy, Larder, on thy sconce. Why, man, were this affair of Betty told her,
Writing elephants !-Cælus Rhodiginus says, that Not all the devils in hell would hold her. (all- elephants have been sometimes known to write. Then there's your modest stiff-rumped neighbours There'd be a pretty kick up—what a squall !
Large tortyises.--Diodorus Siculus tells us, that You could not put your nose into a shop
the tortoises in the Indian sea are so large, that the There's lofty Mrs. Wick, the chandler's wife,
people sail in their shells on the rivers, as well as in
little cock-boats. And Mrs. Bull, the butcher's imp of strife, With Mrs. Bobbin, Salmon, Muff, and Slop,
A bull changing his colour like the chameleon. With fifty others of such old compeers
Macrobius describes a wonderful bull in the city of Zounds, what a hornet's nest about thy ears !"
Hermynta, that the people worshipped, which changed From cheerful smiles, and looks, like Sul, so
hour in the day, bright,
A Woman becoming a man.- Pliny says, (see also Poor Larder fell to looks as black as night ; Cicero de Divinatione,) that Lelia Cossuria, being a
And now his head he scratched, importing guilt-woman, was turned into a man upon the day of her For people who are innocent indeed,
marriage. Never look down, so black, and scratch the head;
Large ants. - Rhodius says, the ants in India are But, tipped with confidence, their noses tilt, larger than foxes. Replying with an unembarrassed front
Women more modest when drowned than men, Bold to the charge, and fixed to stand the bruntTruth is a towering dame--divine her air ;
Pliny tells us, that a dead body in the water, if it In native bloom she walks the world with state :
be a man, in rising, hath his face upward towards But falsehood is a meretricious fair,
heaven ; but, if it be a woman, she ariseth with her
face downward. Painted and mean, and shutting in her gait; Dares not look up with resolution's mien,
Some men walk after their heads are cut off, But sneaking hides, and hopes not to be seen;
Averroes de Med. said, that he saw a poor unfortunate For ever haunted by a doubt
patient, who, having his head taken off, walked to That all the world will find her out.
and fro, for a small while, in sight of all the people. Again-there's honesty in eyes,
It is also written of Dionysins Aeropagita, that, after That shrinking show when tongues tell lies
his head was smitten off, he walked certain paces, With Larder this was verily the case :
Some say it was a league and more from the place of Informers were the eyes of Larder's face.
his execution. St. Denys did the same. “Well, sir," said Larder, whispering, hemming, Peacock's flesh will never corrupt.- This is deha-ing,
monstrated by St. Augustine, when treating of the Each word so heavy, like a cart-horse drawing resurrection !
4 talking 0%.-Livy gravely relates, that an ox, lus, in Africa, bad to contend with, and at length in full market, cried out—" Řome ! take care of killed, such a serpent by stoning him ; the serpent's thyself.”
hide was sent to Rome. A talking dog.–Pliny, in his 8th book, tells us, A man born laughing -Pliny says, that Zoroasthat a dog spoke when Tarquin was driven from the ter laughed the same day wherein he was born ; and throne.
that the brain of this young philosopher so panted 4 talking rook.-Suetonius says, a rook exclaimed and beat, that it would raise up the hands of those in the capitol, when they were going to assassinate who laid them on his head. Domitian, “ Estai panta kalon."—Well done. Triton.--Pausanias relates a story of a monstrously Hewing blocks with a razor.
or.—Livy says, that king large triton, which often came on shore in the Priscus, defying the powers of an augur, desired him meadows of Boeotia. Over his head was a kind of to cut a whetstone in two with a razor as a proof of finny cartilage, which, at a distance, appeared like his magic, which he did!
the body covered with brown scales; and nose An old gentleman who drank no liquid.-Pliny, in and ears like the human ; the mouth of a dreadful his Natural History, tells of a gentleman, whose name width, jagged with teeth, like those of a panther ; was Julius Viator, at Rome, who, having been pre- the eyes of a greenish hue ; the hands divided into scribed not to drink largely, in all his old age forbore fingers, the nails of which were crooked, and of a to drink at all.
shelly substance. This monster, whose extremities A boy losing fifty-seven years of his life in sleep.-ended in a tail, like a dolphin, devoured both men and Pliny tells of Epimenides the gnostic, who, when a beasts as they chanced in his way. The citizens of boy, being wearied with heat and travel, laid himself Tanagra at last contrived his destruction. They set down in a certain cave, and there slept fifty-seven a large vessel, full of wine, on the sea-shore ; Triton years; then awaking, he marvelled (like Nourjahad) got drunk with it, and fell into a profound sleep; in at the great changes be observed in the world.
which condition the Tanagrians beheaded him, and Men with dogs' heads and tails, and fountains of afterwards, with great propriety, hung up his body in Liquid gold.- Pliny tells of men in India with dogs the temple of Bacchus: where, says Pausanias, it conheads; others with only one leg, though perfect tinued a long time. Achilles' for swiftness of foot; of a nation of pigmies; Five hundred thousand wild beasts killed in the of some who lived by the smell ; of tribes who had Coliseum.--Historians say, that on the first day of the only one eye in their forehead; and of some whose opening of the Coliseum, at Rome, Titus produced ears hung down to the ground. Ctesias, as cited by five hundred thousand wild beasts, which were all Photius, talks of fountains of liquid gold, and of men killed in the arena. with tails in India-true we ought to remember, that Fernando Alarchon, a Spanish voyager, of undoubted WOMANHOOD, IN IMITATION OF CHAUCER. credit, saw men with tails on the coast of Califor- Right welle of lerned clerkis it is said, nia; and that several others have seen men with That womanhood for man his use is made; dogs' beads. Monboddo rejoiced at this testimony, But naughtie man liketh not one or soe, although Alarchon tells us that these tails were dis- But wisheth aye unthriftilie for moe. covered to be fictitious; and we are also assured, And when by holy church to one he's ty'd that the dog-headed men were found to wear vizards. Then for his soul he cannot her abyde : As to the fountains of gold, the Indian legends say so Thys when a dogge first lighteth on a bone, metaphorically, and so they are credited as real. His tayle he waggeth, gladde therefore y growne ;
A serpent one hundred and twenty feet long. But if thilke bone unto his tayle you tye, Valerius Maximus says, that the artillery of Regu- Pardie, he feareth it, awaje doth die.