« ZurückWeiter »
You're a kind soul, I know you are Snipps.” “ The said duke, at the marriage of Eleonora, sister Ay, so you said six months ago,
to the King of Portugal, at Bruges in Flanders, But such fine words, I'd have you know which was solemnized in the depth of winter ; when Butter no parsnips.”
as by reason of uoseasonable weather he could neiThis said, he bade his lawyer draw
ther hawk nor bunt, and was now tired with cards, A special writ,
dice, &c. and such other domestic sports, or to see Serve it on Stubbs, and follow it
ladies dance; with some of his courtiers he would in Up with the utmost rigour of the law. the evening walk disguised all about the town. It
so fortuned, as he was walking late one night, he This lawyer was a friend of Stubbs,
found That is to say,
country fellow dead drunk, snorting on a In a civic way,
bulk; he caused his followers to bring him to his Where business interposes not its rubs;
palace, and there stripping him of his old clothes, For where the main chance is in question,
and attiring him after the court fashion, when he Damon leaves Pythias to the stake,
wakened, he and they were all ready to attend upon Pylades and Orestes break,
his excellency, and persuade him that he was some And Alexander cuts Hephæstion ;
great duke. The poor fellow, admiring how he came But when our man of law must sue his friends, he saw them dauce, heard music, and all the rest
there, was served in state all day long : after supper Tenfold politeness makes amends.
of those court-like pleasures : but late at night, when So when he met our Auctioneer,
he was well-tippled, and again fast asleep, they put on Into his outstretch'd hand he thrust his
his old robes, and so conveyed him to the place where Writ, and said with friendly leer,
they first found him. Now the fellow had not made “ My dear, dear Stubbs, pray do me justice; them so good sport the day before, as he did now, In this affair I hope you see
when he returned to bimself; all the jest was to see No censure can attach to me
how he looked upon it. In conclusion, after some Don't entertain a wrong impression ;
little admiration, the poor man told his friends he I'm doing now what must be done
had seen a vision; constantly believed it ; would not In my profession."
otherwise be persuaded, and so the jest ended.” “And so am I," Stubbs answered with a frown, So crying " Going-going-gone!”
Now as fame does report, a young duke keeps a He knock'd him down !
One that pleases his fancy with frolicsome sport :
But among all the rest, here is one, I protest, An Italian poet presented some verses to the pope, Which will make you to smile when you hear the who had not gone far before he met with a line too
true jest : short in quantity, which he observed. The poet sub- A poor tinker he found lying drunk on the ground, missively entreated his holiness to read on, and he! As secure in a sleep as if laid in a swound. would probably meet with a line that was a syllable The duke said to his men, William, Richard, and Ben, too long, so that that account would be balanced. Take him home to my palace, we'll sport with him tben.
O'er a horse he was laid, and with care soon convey'd THE FROLICSOME DUKE, OR THE TINKER'S COOD
To the palace, altho' he was poorly array'd :
Then they stript off his clothes, both his shirt, shoes, and
Having pulled off bis shirt, which was all over dirt, 'Twas a point next the worst, yet perform it they
sought The poor tinker amaz'd, on the gentleman gaz'a, For a pardon, as fearing he had set hiin at nought; And admired how he to his honour was rais'd. But his highness he said, Thou’rt a jolly bold blade, Tho' he seem'd something mute, yet he chose a rich Such a frolic before I think never was play'd. suit,
Then his highness bespoke him a new suit and cloke, Which he straightways put on without longer dispute; Which he gave for the sake of this frolicsome joke, . With a star on his side, which the tinker oft eyed, Nay, and five hundred pound, with ten acres of And it seem'd for to swell him no little with pride ; ground, For he said to himself, Where is Joan my sweet wife? Thou shalt never, said he, range the countries round, Sure she never did see me so fine in her life. Crying, old brass to mend, for I'll be thy good friend, From a convenient place the right duke his good grace, Nay, and Joan thy sweet wife shall my dutchess atDid observe his behaviour in every case.
tend. To a garden of state on the tinker they wait, Then the tinker reply'd, What! must Joan my sweet Trumpets sounding before him ; thought he, this is bride great ;
Be a lady, in chariots of pleasure to ride ? Where an hour or two, pleasant walks he did view, Must we have gold and land ev'ry day at command ? With commanders and squires iu scarlet and blue. Then I shall be a squire I well understand : A fine dinner was drest, both for him and his guests ;
Well, I thank your good grace, and your love I em. He was plac'd at the table above all the rest,
brace ; In a rich chair or bed lin'd with five crimson red,
I was never before in so happy a case.
A very brave soldier had both his arms carried off
in a battle ; bis colonel offered him half a crown : While the tinker did dine, he had plenty of wine, Rieb canary and sherry, and tent superfine.
“ Undoubtedly, colonel,” replied the soldier, “ you
think I have only lost a pair of gloves.” Like a right honest soul, faith, he took off his bowl, Till at last he began for to tumble and roll From his chair to the floor, where he sleeping did A citizen missed two pounds of fresh butter, which snore,
was to be reserved for himself. The maid, however, Being seven times drunker than ever before.
had not only stole it, but fastened the theft upon the Then the duke did ordain, they should strip him cat; averring, moreover, she caught her in the act of amain,
finishing the last morsel. The wily cit immediately And restore him his old leather garments again : put the kitten into the scales, and found it to weigh
OLOVES AND ARMS.
but a pound and a half! This city mode of accurate A clownish Yorkshire farmer-one reasoning being quite conclusive, the girl confessed Who by his uncouth look and gait, her crime.
Appear'd expressly meant by fate,
For being quizz'd and play'd upon.
So having tipp'd the wink to those
“Well, Farmer Numscull, how goes calves at done by any of his own countrymen, and one day
York ?" being in an auction room where there was a number
“ Why-not, sir, as they do wi' of capital pictures, and among the rest an inimitable
But on four legs instead of two," piece of painting of fruits and flowers ; the connoisseur
“ Officer !" cried the legal elf, would not give his opinion of the picture until he had
Piqued at the laugh against liimself, examined his catalogue, and finding it was done by
“ Do pray keep silence down below there. an Englishman, he pulled out his eye-glass, “O Sir,"
Now look at me, clown, and attend, said he, “ these English fellows have no more idea
llave I not seen you somewhere, friend ? of genius than a Dutch skipper has of dancing a
“Yees-very like-I often go there." cotillion ; the dog has spoiled a fine piece of canvas; he's worse than a Harp-alley sign-post dauber; there's
“ Our rustic's waggish-quite laconic, no keeping, no perspective, no fore-ground ; why
The counsel cried with grin sardonic :there now, the fellow has attempted to paint a fly
“ I wish I'd known this prodigy, upon that rose-bud; why its no more like a fly than This genius of the clods, when I I am like an a~" But as the connoisseur approached
On circuit was at York residing:his finger to the picture, the fly flew away.- His eyes
Now, farmer, do for once speak true, being half closed, this is called the wise man's wink,
Mind, you're on oath, so tell me, you and shows he can see the world with half an eye; he
Who doubtless think yourself so clever,
Are there as many fools as ever has so wonderful a penetration, so inimitable a forecast, he always can see how every thing was to be
In the West Riding ?" after the affair is over.
“Why no, sir, no; we've got our share,
THE FARMER AND THE COUNSELLOR.
A counsel in the Common Pleas,
Who was esteem'd a mighty wit,
Upon the strength of a chance hit
In bullying, bantering, brow beating,
Ridiculing and maltreating Women or other timid folks, In a late cause resolved to hoax
An Indian, being condemned to die by the Spaniards, (who had already caused the death of ien millions of men, in their conversion,) was persuaded, by a Franciscan friar, to turn Christian, and then he would go to heaven.
“ Are there any Spaniards there?" inquired the heathen. “Yes, (said the friar,) it is full of them."-" Nay, then, (said the Indian,) I prefer going to hell, rather than having any more of their company."
Here's Mr. Fox without a tail, Here is Mr. Quick, who can scarcely walk,
Thomson, who is no poet, Mrs. White a decided tawny ;
Cooper who cannot make a pail, And Rhodes is supported by milk and chalk,
And Sell who will not show it. And Miss Hogg is too lean to be brawny i Draper has never dealt in cloth, Dr. Flower's a flourishing Aaron's Rod,
Excepting his profession, Hogarth's a garden-painter,
Armstrong has never killed a moth, French out of Britain has never trod,
Or Garret kept possession. And Miss Rose than a lily is fainter.
Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John, have ne'er Bracebridge an arch has never made,
Been scribes in sacred writ; Smith never beaten an anvil ;
Water's so dry, he covets beer, Miller knows nought of the floury trade,
And Lack entraps with wit; And Stockstill will never be stand still;
Jolly is sick, Gay is sad, Graminar is heard in a public house,
Badger's a gentle fellow;
Good, like his name, is rarely bad,
I've hosts of others left in store-
Anon, l'll ring their changes, And Peter Blunt is civil;
When niemory flings their pleasures o'er, Nelson to sea was never bred,
And fancy round them ranges; Old Angel's a very “ devil.”
For Islington contains such folks Parry beats all by parrying law,
As love with friends to mingleStringer ne'er wound a reel.
To please the married with the jokes,
And marry all the single.
Tom Paine's a godly fellow,
poor Swiss, who was in the mad-house of ZuIn flesh and bones, though sallow;
rich, was rather afflicted by imbecility than madness, Tailor a stitch has never sown,
and was allowed his occasional liberty, which he Serjeant was ne'er enlisted,
never abused. All his happiness consisted in ringing Slim, with surprise, is lusty grown,
the bells of the parish church ; of this he was some And Miss Roper's still untwisted.
how deprived, and it plunged him into despair. At
lenght he sought the governor, and said to him, “ I Miss Martins never fledged their wings,
come, sir, to ask a favour of you. I used to ring the Miss Swallows never travel,
bells ; it was the only thing in the world in which I Miss Bird nor Starling ever sings,
could make myself useful, but they will not let me do Miss Stone is as soft as gravel.
it any longer. Do me the pleasure then of cutting Here's widow Jay completely dumb,
my head ; I cannot do it myself, or I would save Here's widow Cross good-natured;
you the trouble." Such an appeal produced his reHere's Mr. Handy without a thumb,
establishment in his former honours, and he died And Cowie human featured.
ringing the bells.
COOKE TIIE COMEDIAN AND THE DIRTY BEAU.
it is coming down.” “I am glad of it." “ Indeed, After performing one evening at Manchester, sir, you have cause, if one may judge from your apCooke repaired to a small tavern near the theatre, in pearance.” Here was a general laugh, which the company with a friend ; mirth and good-humour
beau seemed not to regard, but nodding his head and
prevailed till twelve o'clock, when his friend perceiving, hitting his boots with a small rattan, rang the bell as he thought, a something lurking in his expressive have a “ weal kitiet, or a mutten chip?"
with an air of importance, and inquired if he could
“ What do eye which foretold a storm, he anxiously endeavoured to get him home before it burst forth. The importu- you tbink,” said Cooke,“ of a roasted puppy? benity of his friend, instead of having the desired effect, cause,” taking up the poker, “I will spit you and precipitated what he had foreseen ; with a haughty,
roast you in a minute. This had a visible effect supercilious look, he said, “I see what you are about, upon the dirty beau; he retreated towards the door, you hypocritical scoundrel! you canting, methodisti- Cooke following with the poker. “ Avaunt, and quit cal thief! Am I, George Frederick Cooke, to be my sight; thy face is dirty, and thy hands unwashed, controlled by such a would-be puritan as you? I'n avaunt! avaunt! I say:"—then replacing the poker teach you to dictate to a tragedian !"—then pulling and returning to his seat, he continued, “ being gone, off his coat, and holding his fist in a meracing atti
I am a man again." tude, "Come out,” said he, “ thou prince of deceivers! though thou hast faith to remove mountains, thou
The following curious advertisement appeared in shalt not remove me~come out, I say!” With some
an American paper : " Whereas I, Daniel Clay, difficulty he was pacified, and resumed his coat, though misrepresentation, was induced to post my There was a large fire in the room, before which stood wife, Rhoda, in the papers: now I beg leave to ina figure with his skirts under each arm, a pitiful imi, form the public, that I have again taken her to wife, tation of buckism, very deficient in cleanliness and after settling all our domestic broils in an amicable costume; his face was grimy, and his neckcloth of the manner ; so that every thing, as usual, goes on like same tint, which nevertheless was rolled in various clockwork.” folds about his throat; his hair was matted, and turned up under a round greasy hat, with narrow brims,
“ Divorc'd like scissars rent in twain,
Each mourn'd the rivet out: conceitedly placed on one side of his head. Thus equipped, the filthy fop straddled before the fire,
Now whet and rivetted again, which he completely monopolized. At length he They'll make the old shears cut.” caught the eye of Cooke, who in silent amazement,
GRACE MAL-A-PROPOS. for the space of half a minute, examined him from top to toe ; then turning to his friend, he burst into a A milliner's apprentice being obliged to wait upon horse laugh, and roared out, “ Beau nasty, by a duchess, was fearful of committing some error in Heaven !" Perhaps intimidated by Cooke's former her deportment. She therefore went to consult a bluster, this insensible puppy took little notice. friend as to the manner in which she should address Cooke now rose from his seat, and taking up the this great personage : who told her that wheu she skirts of his own coat in imitation of the beau, turned came before the duchess she must say her Grace, his back to the fire. “Warm work in the back set- and so forth. Accordingly away went the girl, and tlements, sir,” said he; then approaching still nearer, being introduced, after a very low courtesy, she said, as if he had some secret to communicate, whispered, “For what I am going to receive the Lord make me though loud enough for every one to hear, · Pray, sir, truly thankful." To which the duchess answered, how is soap?” “Soap !". · Yes, sir, soap--they say Amen!