THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHEK. Whene'er to drink you are inclin'd, THE SAINT AND THE Devil. BURNS. That's as you say you never damned tali impudent Irishman looking over my shoulder all the time."-" What do you mean, sir?" said the Irishman, "do you think I looked over your letter?" "Sir," said Garth very gravely, 66 I never once opened my lips to you."-" Aye, but by J-s, you have put it down for all that." A very ugly gentleman was requested by a beauti-impossible, sir," said Garth, ful woman to accompany her a little way, when she once looked over my letter." led him to a painter's house, and having whispered to the artist, she retired, saying that she would return shortly.-On quitting the chamber the gentleman demanded what he was wanted for. "I thought you knew," replied the painter, "that I am taking that lady's likeness in the character of a saint being tempted by the devil, and she means you to sit for the tempter." CAPABILITY BROWN. LIES. A person in prison was asked by a friend what it was for." For telling lies," said his friend. Telling lies! how is that?" demanded the other."Why, telling people I would pay 'em, and not keeping my word." IMPROMPTU ON THE MARRIAGE OF CAPTAIN FOOT WITH MISS PATTEN. Mr. Brown, the celebrated gardener and botanist, Be blissful and crown'd with abundance of fruit! May the union cemented on Wednesday at Matin surnamed Capability Brown, being at a nobleman's May the Foot ever closely adhere to the Pattenz seat arranging his pleasure grounds, was met on quit-The Patten for ever stick close to the Foot! ting his lordship's mansion by two rows of fine livery servants. As it was then the custom to make a present to each when a visitor left the mansion, upon this occasion, Capability Brown turning round to his lordship produced the following extempore in a whisper. Of footmen faith you have a score, They had look'd better plac'd in clumps. SIP SAMUEL GARTH. This gentleman writing a letter one evening at a coffee-house, was much embarrassed by an Irish gentleman, who was rude enough to look over his shoulder all the time. Garth, however, seemed to take no notice of this till towards the conclusion, when he humorously added, by way of a postscript, "I should write you more by this post, but there's a And tho' pattens are used but in moist dirty weather, SHORT RECKONING. "There were a hundred justices," said one, "at the monthly meeting. "A hundred !" said another. Yes (said he) do you count, and I will name them. There was justice Balance, put down one; justice Hall, put down a cipher, he is nobody; justice House, you may put down another cipher for him. Now one, and two ciphers, are one hundred." THE PARSON, THE SQUIRE, AND THE SPANIEL. A gentleman possessed a favourite spaniel, Tray, like the race of mortals, sougnt the dust-- He raised a small blue stone, just after burial, Here rest the relics of a friend below, He damn'd no sect, but calmly gnawed his bone; The curate of the Huntingtonian band, Rare breed of gospel-hawks that scour the land, And fierce on sins their quarry fall, This curate heard th' affair with deep emotion, "O Lord! O Lord! O Lord! O Lord! What will become of this most shocking world?' How richly such a rogue deserves to swing, And then to Satan's hottest flames be hurled! "Oh! by this damned deed how I am hurried, A dog in Christian ground, indeed, be buried! And have an epitaph forsooth, so civil: Egad! old maids will presently be found Clapping their dead ram cats in holy ground, And writing verses on each mousing devil." Against such future casualty providing, The priest set off, like Homer's Neptune, striding, Vowing to put the culprit in the court: He found him at the spaniel's humble grave; Not praying, neither singing of a stave; And thus began t' abuse him, not exhort,"Son of the devil, what hast thou done? Nought for the action can atone I should not wonder if the Great All-wise Quick darted down his lightning all so red, And dashed to earth that wretched head, Which dared so foul, so base an act devise. Bury a dog like Christian folk!None but the fiend of darkness could provoke A man to perpetrate a deed so odd: Our inquisition soon the tale shall hear, And quickly your fine fleece shall shear; Why, such a villain can't believe in God." "Softly, my reverend sir," the squire replied,— Tray was as good a dog as ever died— No education could his morals mend. And what, perhaps, sir, you may doubt, Before his lamp of life went out, He ordered you a legacy, my friend." "Did he ?-poor dog!" the softened priest rejoined, In accents pitiful and kind ; "What! was it Tray? I'm sorry for poor Tray. Should not like common dogs be put away. I guess I may put confidence, sir, in ye." "A piece of gold," the gentleman replied."I'm much obliged to Tray," the parson cried; So left God's cause, and pocketed the guinea. CUMBERLAND'S INGRATITUDE. Mr. Cumberland being asked his opinion of Mr. Sheridan's School for Scandal, said, "I am astonished that the town can be so duped! I went to see his comedy, and never laughed once from beginning to end."-This being repeated to SheridanThat's d-d ungrateful of him," cried he, " for I went to see his tragedy the other night, and did nothing but laugh from beginning to end." THE PRAISE OF POTATOES. A BURLESQUE. Hail, rare potatoes! hot or cold, all hail! In humid durance plung'd. Or when with steaks Reigns potent, 'mid the smould'ring embers roast Yet unbereft-and if my homely board taste (Taste undeprav'd by fashion's varying art) By mortals Hoffman hight) - where brittle puffs Of crystal vase, in pastry pomp combine To lure the sense. These, these, unmov'd I pass, While fond I antedate potatoes' charms, Nor cast one longing, ling'ring look behind." EPITAPH ON A MRS. DEATH. Here lies Death's wife; when this way next you tread, Be not surpris'd should Death himself be dead, win it, and so I lost it." "But," added he, turning himself slowly round," who is the fool that asked me this question?" AN APOLOGY FOR KINGS, As want of candour really is not right, Look on their poverty of education! Jove-like, to shake the pillars of creation. They scorn that little useful imp called mind, Who fits them for the circle of mankind Immured, they doze in ignorance and state. Pride their companion, and the world their hate; Sometimes, indeed, great kings will condescend little with their subjects to unbend! The late Madame de Namours had charitably brought up a poor child. When the child was about nine years old, she said to her benefactress, "Madame, No one can be more grateful for your charity than IA am, and I cannot acknowledge it better than by telling every body I am your daughter; but do not be alarmed, I will not say that I am your lawful child, only your illegitimate daughter," CURRAN'S SHIRT. Curran, while at college, was called before the board for wearing a dirty shirt. I pleaded," said he," inability to wear a clean one, and I told their reverences the story of poor Lord Avonmore, at that time Barry Yelverton. I wish, mother,' said Barry, I had eleven shirts.'-' Eleven! Barry, why eleen - Because, mother, I am of opinion that a gentleman, to be comfortable, ought to have a dozen.' Poor Barry had but one, and I made the precedent my justification." An iustance take :-A king of this great land, Did visit Salisbury's old church so fair: An Earl of Pembroke was the monarch's guide; The verger met them in his silken gown, Low as an ass to lick a lock of hay: Looking the frightened verger through and through, What, what, sir?-hey, sir?" deigned the king to All with his eye-glass-" Well, sir, who are you? say. "I am the verger here, most mighty king: In this cathedral I do every thing; Sweep it, an't please ye, sir, and keep it clean." "Hey? verger! verger!-you the verger?- hey?" "Yes, please your glorious majesty, I be." The verger answered with the mildest mien. Then turned the king about towards the peer, And winked, and laughed, then whispered in his ear, Hey, hey-what, what- fine fellow, 'pon my word: | Cleaned stables!-cracked a lion like a flea; lord?" Then with his glass, as hard as eye could strain, Sixpence would handsomely requite him." Poor verger, veiger, hey?" the king replied: "No, no, then, we won't knight him-no won't knight him." Now to the lofty roof the king did raise In Salisbury that will reach so high." They might as well pretend to scrub the sky." From Salisbury church to Wilton-house, so grand, Returned the mighty ruler of the land "My lord, you've got fine statues," said the king. A few! beneath your royal notice, sir," Replied Lord Pembroke-" Stir, my lord, stir, stir; Let's see them all, all, all, all, every thing. "Who's this?-who's this?-who's this fine fellow here?" him Sir Wisky Whiffle is one of those mincing, tittering, tip-toe tripping animalculæ of the times, tha flutter about fine women like flies in a flower garden; as harmless, and as constant, as their shadows, they dangle by the side of beauty, like part of their watch equipage, as glittering, as light, and as useless. And the ladies suffer such things about them, as they wear souffleć gauze, not as things of value, merely to make a purpose, show with; they never say any thing to the but, with an eye-glass in their hands, they stare ladies, as if they were a jury of astronomers, executing a writ of inquiry upon some beautiful planet. They imagine themselves possessed of the power of a rattlesnake, who can, as it is said, fascinate by a look; and that every fine woman must, at first sight, fall into their arms. Ha! who's that, Jack? She's a devilish fine woman; 'pon honour, an immensely lovely creature! Who is she? she must be one of us; she must be at come-atable, 'pon honour." No, sir," replied a stranger that overheard him, "she is not come-atable; she's a lady of strict virtue."- "Is she so ?-I'll look at her again; ay, ay, she may be a lady of strict virtue, for, now I look at her again, there is something devilish ungenteel about her." LORD MANSFIELD'S WIG. Court of Requests,— Williams v. Lawrence. This was a case which, by the parties concerned, was considered of no small importance; and which, to the auditors, in the course of its discussion excited no small merriment. Mr. Williams, who is what is vulgarly called a barber, but in more refined language is termed a perruquier, appeared in this court a short time since, and obtained a summons against the defendant, who |