« ZurückWeiter »
A gentleman taking an apartment, said to the landlady, “I assure you, madam, I never left a lodging but my landlady shed tears.” She answered, “I hope it was not, sir, because you went away without P-ying.”
, A QUIFT DEA Tri.
Whitely the actor having stabbed himself, in the character of Oroonoko, turned himself about two or three times, like a spaniel before the fire, to see where he could he most comfortably down. Two gentlemen in the stage box, struck by the eccentricity of his manner, could not forbear laughing aloud ; on which Whitely turning to them, cried, “Be quiet, you thieves' can't you let a man die in peace, and be d–d to you!”
THE PAItsox, Tii E squ II: E, AND til E. sp.AN i EL. A T A Li. A gentleman possessed a favourite spaniel, That never treated maid nor man ill. : This dog, of which we cannot too much say, Got from his godfather the name of Tray. After ten years of service just, Iray, like the race of mortals, sought the dust– That is to say, the spaniel died : A coffin then was ordered to be made, The dog was in the church-yard laid, While over his pale remains the master cried : Lamenting much his trusty fur-clad friend, And willing to commemorate his end, He raised a small blue stone, just after burial, And weeping, wrote on it this sweet memorial :
Tray's Epitaph. Here rest the relics of a friend below, aessed with more sense than half the folks I know ; Fond of his ease, and to no parties prone, He damn'd no sect, but calmly gnawed his bone; Performed his functions well in every wayBlush, Christians, if you can, and copy Tray.
The curate of the Huntingtonian band,
And fierce on sins their quarry fall, Those locusts, that would eat up all: Men who, with new-invented patent eyes, See heaven and all the angels in the skies; As plain as in the box of showman Swiss, For little master made, or curious miss, We see with huge delight the king of France With all his lords and ladies dance. This curate heard th’ affair with deep emotion, And thus exclaimed, with infinite devotion: “O Lord O Lord ' O Lord ' O Lord : Fine doings, these, upon my word This, truly, is a very pretty thing! What will become of this most shocking world o' How richly such a rogue deserves to swing, And then to Satan's hottest flames be hurled ! “Oh by this damned deed how I am hurried, A dog in Christian ground, indeed, be buried And have an epitaph forsooth, so civil : Egad' old maids will presently be found Clapping their dead ram cats in holy ground, And writing verses on each mousing devil.” Against such future casualty Providing, The priest set off, like Homer's Neptune, striding, Vowing to put the culprit in the court: He found him at the spaniel's humble grave; Not praying, neither singing of a stave; And thus began to abuse him, not exhort, “Son of the devil, what hast thou done 2 Nought for the action can atone— I should not wonder if the Great All-wise Quick daited down his lightning all so red, And dashed to earth that wretched head, Which dared so foul, so base an act devise. “Bury a dog like Christian folk – None but the fiend of darkness could provoke A man to perpetrate a deed so odd : Our inquisition soon the tale shall hear, And quickly your fine sleece shall shear: Why, such a villain can't believe in God.” “Softly, my reverend sir,” the squire replied,— “Tray was as good a dog as ever died—
No education could his morals mend. And what, perhaps, sir, you may doubt, Before his lamp of life went out, He ordered you a legacy, my friend.” “Did he l—poor dog "the softened priest rejoined, In accents pitiful and kind;— “What was it Tray I'm sorry for poor Trav. Why, truly dogs of such rare merit, Such real nobleness of spirit, Should not like common dogs be put away. “Well, pray what was it that he gave, Poor fellow, e'er he sought the grave I guess I may put confidence, sir, in ye.” “A piece of o the gentleman replied.— “I’m much obliged to Tray,” the parson cried; So left God's cause, and pocketed the guinea. cu Mben LAND's ING RATITUDE. Mr. Cumberland being asked his opinion of Mr. Sheridan's School for Scandal, said, “I am astonished that the town can be so duped I went to see his comedy, and never laughed once from beginning to end.”—This being repeated to Sheridan— “That's d-d ungrateful of him,” cried he, “ for I went to see his tragedy the other night, and did nothing but laugh from beginning to end.”
Hail, rare potatoes! hot or cold, all hail
Reigns potent, 'mid the smould'ring embers roast
CII UHCLIYA in D. Three sweeter babes no man did ever see, Than God Almighty gave to we ; They were surprised by ager fits, And here they lies, as dead as nits. SIMPLICITY AND G RATITU de. The late Madame de Namours had charitably brought up a poor child. When the child was about nine years old, she said to her benefactress, “Madame, no one can be more grateful for your charity than I aga, and I cannot acknowledge it better than by telling every body I am your daughter; but do not be alarmed, I will not say that I am your lawful child, only your illegitimate daughter." cu R1. AN's sili ar. Curran, while at college, was called before the board for wearing a dirty shirt. “I pleaded,” said le, “inability to wear a clean one, and I told their reverences the story of poor Lord Avonmore, at that time Barry Yelverton. ‘ I wish, mother,’ said Barry, ‘ I had eleven shirts.”—“ Eleven Barry, why eteron 2'-‘Because, mother, I am of opinion that a gentleman, to be comfortable, ought to have a dozen." Poor Barry had but one, and I made the precedent iny justification.” * I, AIN REASONs. A young Frenchman one day asked the Duke Bernard de Weimar, “How happened it that you lost the battle of - ?” “I will tell you, sir," replied the duke, coolly, “I thought I should not
win it, and so I lost it.” “But,” added he, turning himself slowly round, “who is the fool that asked me this question t”
AN A PoloG Y FOR KINGs.
As want of candour really is not right, I own my satire too inclined to bite: On kings behold it breakfast, diue, and supNow shall she praise, and try to make it up. Why will the simple world expect wise things, From lofty folks, particularly kings? Look on their poverty of education' Adored and flattered, taught that they are gods, And by their awful frowns and nods, Jove-like, to shake the pillars of creation. They scorn that little useful imp called mind, Who fits them for the circle of mankind Pride their companion, and the world their hate; Immured, they doze in ignorance and state. Sometimes, indeed, great kings will condescend A little with their subjects to unbend | An instance take — A king of this great land, In days of yore, we understand, Did visit Salisbury's old church so fair : An Earl of Pembroke was the monarch's guide; Incog, they travelled, shuffling side by side; And into the cathedral stole the pair. The verger met them in his silkcn gown, And humbly bowed his neck with reverence down, Low as an ass to lick a lock of hay : Looking the frightened verger through and through, All with his eye-glass—“Well, sir, who are you ? What, what, sir!—hey, sir!” deigned the king to say. “I am the verger here, most mighty king : In this cathedral I do every thing ; Sweep it, an’t please ye, sir, and keep it clean.” “Hey verger! verger –you the verger -hey ". “Yes, please your glorious majesty, I be.” The verger answered with the mildest mien. Then turned the king about towards the peer, And winked, and laughed, then whispered in his ear,
“Hey, hey-what, what—fine fellow, 'pon my word: