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BURNS.

452

Whene'er to drink
you are inclin'd,

damned tali impudent Irishman looking over my Or cutty-sarks run in your mind,

shoulder all the time.”-“ Wha! do you mean, sir?" Think, ye may buy the joys owre dear

said the Irishman, “ do you think I looked over your Remember 'Tam o Shanter's mare.

letter ?” “Sir," said Garth very gravely,

I never once opened my lips to you.”—“ Aye, but by THE SAINT AND THE DEVIL.

J-s, you have put it down for all that.” That's

as you say you never A very ugly gentleman was requested by a beauti- impossible, sir,” said Garth, ful woman to accompany her a little way, when she once looked over my letter." led him to a painter's house, and having whispered to the artist, she retired, saying that she would return shortly.-On quitting the chamber the gentleman de A person in prison was asked by a friend what manded what he was wanted for. "I thought

it was for.-“ For telling lies," said his friend.

you krew," replied the painter, “ that I am taking that

Telling lies ! how is that?" demanded the other.lady's likeness in the character of a saint being tempt.

Why, telling people I would pay 'em, and not ed by the devil, and she means you to sit for the keeping my word.” tempter."

LIES.

IMPROMPTU ON TIE MARIAGE OF CAPTAIN FOOT

WITH MISS PATTEX.

CAPABILITY BROWN.

Mr. Brown, the celebrated gardener and botanist, Be blissful and crown'd with abundance of fruit!

May the union cemented on Wednesday at Matin surnamed Capability Brown, being at a nobleman's seat arranging his pleasure grounds, was met on quit- The Patten for ever stick close to the Foot!

May the Foot ever closely adhere to the l'atten ; ting his lordship’s mansion by two rows of fine livery servants. As it was then the custom to make a pre- And tho' patters are used but in noist dirty weather, sent to each when a visitor left the mansion, upon May their journey through life be unclouded and clean this occasion, Capability Brown turning rouni to May they long fit each other ;--and moving together, his lordstrip produced the following extempore in a May only one sole (soul) be still cherish'd between. whisper. Of footmen faith you have a score,

There were a hundred justices,” said one, “ at They line your passage to the door,

the monthly meeting. “ A hundred!” said another. But troth they put me in the dumps

Yes (said he) do you count, and I will name them. I own, my lord, this alley's good,

There was justice Balance, put down one ; justice Yet I would have it understood,

Hall, put down a cipher, he is nobody ; justice Blouse, They had look'd better plac'd in clumps. you may put down another cipher for him. Now

one, and two ciphers, are one hundred.”

SHORT RECKONING.

SIP. SAMUEL GAHTH.

A BAD HABIT.

This gentleman writing a letter one evening at a coffee-house, was much embarrassed by an Irish gen A Frenchman being reprehended for beating his tleman, who was rude enough to look over his shoulder wife severely once every month, made this reply: "I all the time. Garth, however, seemed to take no never do it but on the morning when I go to confesnotice of this till towards the conclusion. when he sion." "And way then?" said the other." Because I humorously added, by way of a postscripi, “I am sure of being reminded of every sin, whereas I should write you more by this post, but there's a might forget some were it not for this expedient."

CAUSE OF GENUINE SORROW

A TALE.

Aad fierce on sins their quarry fall, A gentleman taking an apartment, said to the land- Those locusts

, that would eat up alí : lady, “ I assure you, madam, I never left a lodging Men who, with new-invented patent eyes, but my landlady shed tears.” She answered, “I hope See heaven and all the angels in the skies; it was not, sir, because you went away without As plain as in the box of showman Swiss, paying."

For little master made, or curious miss,

We see with huge delight the king of France A QUIET DEATH.

With all his lords and ladies dance. Whitely the actor having stabbed himself, in the character of Oroonoko, turned himself about two or three This curate heard th' affair with deep emotion, times, like a spaniel before the fire, to see where he could And thus exclaimed, with infinite devotion :

“ O Lord ! O Lord! O Lord! O Lord! lie most comfortably down. Two gentlemen in the stage box, struck by the eccentricity of his manner, This, truly, is a very pretty thing!

Fine doings, these, upon my word! could not forbear laughing aloud ; on which Whitely tuming to them, cried, "Be quiet, you thieves! can't

What will become of this most shocking world ?' you let a man die in peace, and be d—d to you!"

How richly such a rogue deserves to swing,

And then to Satan's hottest flames be hurled ! THE PARSON, THE SQUIRE, AND TILE SPANIEL. “Oh! by this damned deed how I am hurried,

A dog in Christian ground, indeed, be buried ! A gentleman possessed a favourite spaniel,

And have an epitaph forsooth, so civil: That never treated maid nor man ill:

Egad! old maids will presently be found This dog, of which we cannot too much say,

Clapping their dead ram cats in holy ground, Got from his godfather the name of Tray.

And writing verses on each mousing devil." After ten years of service just,

Against such future casualty providing, Tray, like the race of mortals, sougnt the dust--- The priest set off, like Homer's Neptune, striding, That is to say, the spaniel died :

Vowing to put the culprit in the court : A coffin then was ordered to be made,

He found him at the spaniel's humble grave; The dog was in the church-yard laid,

Not praying, neither singing of a stave; While o'er his pale remains the master cried :

And thus began t'abuse him, not exhort,Lamenting much his trusty fur-clad friend,

“Son of the devil, what hast thou done? Aid willing to commemorate his end,

Nought for the action can atoneHe raised a small blue stone, just after burial,

I should not wonder if the Great All-wise And weeping, wrote on it this sweet memorial: Quick darted down his lightning all so red,

And dashed to earth that wretched head,
Tray's Epitaph.

Whicha dared so foul, so base an act devise. Here rest the relics of a friend below,

Bury a dog like Christian folk ! -
Blessed with more sense than half the folks I know;
Fond of his ease, and to no parties prone,

None but the fiend of darkness could provoke He damn'd no sect, but calmly gnawed bis bone ;

A man to perpetrate a deed so odd: l'trformed his functions well in every way

Our inquisition soon the tale shall hear, Blush, Christians, if you can, and copy Tray.

And quickly your fine Neece shall shear ;

Why, such a villain can't believe in God." The curate of the Huntingtonian band,

Softly, my reverend sir," the squire replied, Rare breed of gospel-hawks that scour the land, * Tray was as good a dog 'is ever died

No education could his morals mend.

Reigns potent, ʼmid the smould'ring embers roast And what, perhaps, sir, you may doubt,

(From subterranean store selected) those Before his lamp of life went out,

Of amplest size rotund, of native coat He ordered you a legacy, my friend."

Yet unbereft—and if my homely board “Did he ?-poor dog !" the softened priest rejoined,

Penurious, add but few salubrious grains In accents pitiful and kind ;

Of humble salt, I bless the cheap repast! “ What! was it Tray ? I'm sorry for poor Tray,

But chiefly come at noon-tide hunger's call, Why, truly dogs of such rare merit,

When from th’ ebullient pot your mealy tribe, Such real nobleness of spirit,

With happiest art concoct, profusely pours ; Should not like common dogs be put away.

And be the mass with butter's plenteous aid

To rich consistence wrought: nor oh! withhold “ Well, pray what was it that he gave, Poor fellow, e'er he sought the grave ?

The pepper's pungent pow'r, of grateful glow I guess I may put confidence, sir, in ye.”

Beneficent ! lest my insatiate claim

Ventose and wat’ry, cause the twinging gripe “ A piece of gold,” the gentleman replied.-

Of cholic pang abdominal !-And here "I'm much obliged to Tray,” the parson cried;

Need I relate how when for thee I slight
So left God's cause, and pocketed the guinea.

Thy rival roots and poignant sauces rare
CUMBERLAND'S INGRATITUDE.

Crown'd with exotic name, my humble choice, Mr. Cumberland being asked his opinion of Mock'd with rude insult, wakes the latent spark Mr. Sheridan's School for Scandal, said, “I am Of witling's fire-a feeble, glowworm ray astonished that the town can be so duped! I went to That beams, not burns! Nor feels my injur'd see his comedy, and never laughed once from beginning to end." – This being repeated to Sheridan (Taste undeprav'd by fashion's varying art) “ That's d-d ungrateful of him,” cried be, for Alone the shaft, but person, fortune, fame, I went to see his tragedly the other night, and did All, all, invidious scann'd, with sneer malign nothing but laugh from beginning to end.”

And scoff sarcastic. - In the pudding's praise

Let others rant loquacious – I despise THE PRAISE OF POTATOES.

The doughy morsel for my fav’rite food. Hail, rare potatoes ! hot or cold, all hail !

Give me but this, ye gods! scornful I pass O quickly come mine appetite's delight!

Each celebrated shop (Williams, or Birch, Whether in oven's tiery concave clos'd,

Or he of Belgic fame-idol supreme By bakers' art delicious thou’rt embrown's

Of city saint in city-hall ador'd !While rills of purple gravy from the pores

By mortals Hoffman hight) – where brittle puffs Of miglity beef improve the luscious fare.

Multangular, with custards, cakes, and creams, Whether the dame of culinary skill

And lucid jelles nodding o'er the brim Have rudely scalp'd thee o'er, and to the rage

Of crystal vase, in pastry pomp combine Of warring elements consign thee deep,

To lure the sense. These, these, unmou'd I pass, Beneath the cope of air-excluding lid

While fond I antedate potatoes' charms, In humid durance plung'd. Or when with steaks

“ Nor cast one longing, ling’ring look behind.” Of marbled vein, from rump of stall-fed steer Disparted late-slic'd in the shallow pan

EPITAPII ON A DIRS. DEATH. I view thee kindly strew'd, how joys my heart! How flash with eager glance my longing eyes ! Here lies Death's wife ; when this way next you tread, Or in the tedious eve, when nipping frost Be not surpris'd should Death himself be dead,

taste

A BURLESQUE.

AN APOLOGY FOR KINGS.

LPIT APU

ON

THREE INFANTS IN
CHIUKCHYARD.

WOLSEY'S TWINS.

win it, and so I lost it." “ But," added he, turcing When the historical play of Henry VIII.was himself slowly round," who is the fool that asked me in rehearsal at Drury-lane theatre, and Mr. John this question ?" Kemble, who then acted Cromwell, in extolling the merits of Wolsey, came to this passage ever witness for him

As want of candour really is not right, Those twins of learning that he rais’d in you, I own my satire too inclined to bite : Ipswick and Oxford!"'

On kings behold it breakfast, dine, and sup-
Mr. Dignum, who stood by, cried out, "D-n me! if Now shall she praise, and try to make it up.
I knew that Cardinal Wolsey was married before!" Why will the simple world expect wise things,

ST. IVES' From lofty folks, particularly kiugs?

Look on their poverty of education ! Three sweeter babes no man did ever see,

Adored and flattered, taught that they are gods, Than God Almighty gave to we;

And by their awful frowns ard nods, They were surprised by ager fits,

Jove-like, to shake the pillars of creation. And here they lies, as dead as nits.

They scorn that little useful imp called mind,

Who fits them for the circle of mankind
SIMPLICITY AND GRATITUDE.
The late Madame de Namours had charitably Immured, they doze in ignorance and state.

Pride their companion, and the world their hate; brought up a poor child. When the child was about nine years old, she said to her benefactress, “Madaine, Sometimes, indeed, great kings will condescend to she can be more grateful for your charity than 1 A little with their subjects to unbend ! ani, and I cannot acknowledge it better than by tell

An instance take :- A king of this great land, ing every body I am your daughter; but do not be Did visit Salisbury's old church so fair:

In days of yore, we understand, alarmed, I will not say that I am your lawful child, obly your illegitimate daughter,“:

An Earl of Pembroke was the monarch's guide;

Incog. they travelled, shufiling side by side ;
CURRAN'S SHIRT.

And into the cathedral stole the pair. Curran, while at college, was called before the The verger met them in his silken gown, board for wearing a dirty shirt. “ I pleaded,” said And humbly bowed bis neck with reverence down, ke, “ inability to wear a clean one, and I told their Low as an ass to lick a lock of hay: Teverences the story of poor Lord Avonmore, at that Looking the frightened verger through and through, tre Barry Yelverton. "I wish, mother,' said All with his eye-glass--" Well, sir, who are you? Barry, 'I had eleven shirts.' – Eleven ! Barry, why What, what, sir?- hey, sir ?" deigned the king to eieren !'~' Because, mother, I am of opinion that a say. featleman, to be comfortable, ought to have a dozen.' Poor Barry had but one, and I made the precedent

“ I am the verger here, most mighty king :

In this cathedral I do every thing ; tog justification.”

Sweep it, an't please ye, sir, and keep it clean."

“Hey ? verger! verger ! - you the verger ?– hey?". A

young Frenchman one day asked the Duke “ Yes, please your glorious majesty, I be.Bernard de Weimar, “ How happened it that you

The verger answered with the mildesi mien. lost the battle of

- ?" “ I will tell you, sir,” | Then turned the king about towards the peer, Teplied the duke, coolly, I thought I should not And winked, and laughed, then whispered in his ear,

YLAIN REASONS.

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P. PINDAR.

THE MAN ABOUT TOWN.

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Hey, hey--what, what- fine fellow, 'pon my word: Cleaned stables ! - cracked a lion like a flea; I'll kright liim, knight him, knight him, hey, my Killed snakes, great snakes, that in a cradle found lord ?"

himThen with bis glass, as hard as eye could strain, The queen, queen's coming! wrap an apron round He kenned the trembling verger o'er again.

him.' . He's a poor verger, sire,” his lordship cried :

Sixpence would handsomely requite him.” « Poor verger, veiger, hey?" the king replied :

Sir Wisky Whiffle is one of those mincing, titNo, no, then, we won't knight him- no won't | tering, tip-toe tripping animalculæ of the times, tha knight him.”

flutter about fine women like flies in a flower garden; Now to the lofty roof the king did raise

as harmless, and as constant, as their shadows, they His glass, and skipped it o'er with sounds of praise ! dangle by the side of beauty, like part of their watch For thus his marvelling majesty did speak :

equipage, as glittering, as light, and as useless. And “ Fine roof this, Master Verger, quite complete;

the ladies sutler such things about them, as they wear High-high and lofty too, and clean, and neat :

soufilei gauze, not as things of value, merely to make a What, verger, whát? mop, mop it once a week ?" show with; they never say any thing to the

purpose, “ An't please your majesty," with marvelling chops, ladies, as if they were a jury of astronomers, executing

but, with an eye-glass in their hands, they stare at The verger answered, we have got no mops a writ of inquiry upon some beautiful planet. They In Salisbury that will reach so high.”

imagine themselves possessed of the power of a rattle“ Not mop, no, no, not mop it ?" quoth the king

snake, who can, as it is said, fascinate by a look; and No sir, our Salisbury mops do no such thing ;

that every fine woman must, at first sight, fall into their They might as well pretend to scrub the sky.”

arms.-“ Ha! who's that, Jack? She's a devilish fine From Salisbury church to Wilton-house, so grand, woman ; 'pon honour, an immensely lovely creature! Returned the mighty ruler of the land

Who is she? she must be one of us; she must be “My lord, you've got fine statues," said the king. come-atable, ’pon honour." “ No, sir," replied a • A few! beneath your royal notice, sir,"

stranger that overheard him, “she is not come-atable; Replied Lord Pembroke - Stir, my lord, stir, stir; she's a lady of strict virtue.”—" Is she so ? --I'll look

Let's see them all all, all, all, every thing. at her again ; ay, ay, she may be a lady of strict virtue, “Who's this ?-who's this ?- who's this fine fellow for, now I look at her again, there is something here?"

devilish ungenteel about her.”
“ Sesostris,” bowing low, replied the peer.
• Sir Sostris, hey?-Sir Sostris ?- 'pon my word!

LORD MANSFIELD's wic.
Knight or a baronet, my lord ?
One of my making ? - what, my lord, my making ?”.

Court of Requests. - Williams v. Laurence. This, with a vengeance, was mistaking!

This was a case which, by the parties concerned, “ Se-sostris, sire," so soft, the peer replied,

was considered of no small importance; and which, “ A famous king of Egypt, sir, of old.”

to the auditors, in the course of its discussion excited “ Poh, poh!" the instructed monarch snappish cried, no small merriment. “I need not that-I need not that be toid.

Mr. Williams, who is what is vulgarly called a Pray, pray, my lord, who's that big fellow there?" | barber, but in more refined language is termed a “ 'Tis Hercules," replied the shrinking peer. perruquier, appeared in this court a short time since,

Strony fellow, hey, iny lord ? strong fellow, ley ? and obtained a summons against the defendant, who

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