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A DAY TOO LATE.
A BOTTLE CONJURIR.
MODERATE WISIES. An Irish gentleman, sojourning at a dashing hotel, Let Alexander's discontented soul felt much annoyed at the smallness of the bottles, Sigh for another world's increased control ! considering the high price of wine. One evening, 111-weaved Ambition has no charm for me, taking his glass with a friend in the coffee-room, the Nor, sordid Avarice, am I slave to thee. pompous owner came in, when the gentleman after I only ask twelve thousand pounds a year, apologizing, told him, he and his friend had laid a And Curwen's country house on Windermere wager, which he must decide, by telling him what A beauteous wife, and sensible as fair, profession he was bred to. Mine host, after some And many a friend, and not a single care. hesitation at the question, answered, that he was bred to the law. “Then,” said the gentleman, “ I have A sturgeon floating in a golden dish
I am no glutton--no! I never wish lost, for I laid that you was bred a packer.” “A At the Piazza satisfied to pay packer, sir !" said the host swelling like a turkey- Three guineas for my dinner every day, cock, “ what could induce you, sir, to think I was What though shrewd Erskine at the bar we view, bred a packer ?" “Why, sir," said the other, “I As famed as Crassus and as wealthy too; judged so from your wine measures, for I thought so I only ask the eloquence of Fox, one but a skilful packer could put a quart of wine to jump like Ireland, and like Belcher box, into a pint bottle."
To act as Garrick did-or any how
Unlike our heroes of the buskin now;
And every varied talent well employ,
Au immortality of love and wine. An author reading a tragedy to a friend who was a proctor, when he had gone through three acts, asked him bis opinion. “Why really,” replied the proctof, "the third act is so full of distress, that I do not see how During the time of Mr. Garrick's performance in you can possibly heighten it in the following ones ; and Goodman's-fields, the stage rose so much from the then consequently it will grow fat.” “O!" said the lamps to the back scenery, that it was very difficult author, " let me alone for that, I intend in the very for a performer to walk properly on it, and unfortuDext act to put my hero into the spiritual court.” nately it was then the custom to introduce their ghosts
in a complete suit, not of gilt leather, but of real arALL SAINTS' DAY.
The dress for this august personage was one A man having borrowed money of an acquaintance, night, in honour of Mr. Garrick's "Hamlet, borrowed fave a bill for the sum, making it payable on a Saint's from the Tower, and was consequently rather too day which was not mentioned in the calendar, by ponderous for the ghost of the royal Dane. The mowhich means he thought to render the bill invalid ment, therefore, he was put up at the trap door, unand defraud the lender, but the business being brought able to keep his balance, he rolled down the stage to into court and the cause being heard, the judge de- the lamps, which catching the feathers of his helmet, cided that the money should be refunded on the day the ghost seemed in danger of being cousumed by of All Saints.
mortal fires, till a gentleman roared from the pit,
REMEDY FOR DULNESS.
THE GHOST OF HAMLET
“ Help! help! the lamps have caught the cask of
The source of every evil, carried off the ghost, and laid him in a water tub.
Allied to plunder and to sin,
And first-born of the devil. An old mass priest in the reign of Henry VIII.
It has no heart, no virtues kind, after the Bible was translated, was reading the mi
No yearnings of compassion ; racle of the five loaves and two fishes; when he came
But gripes as vultures tear the land, to the verse that reckons the number of the guests, he
For ng's out of fashion. paused a little, and at last said they were about five It plunders honesty and lives hundred; the clerk whispered in his ear that it was
On bowels of the needy; five thousand.
"Hold your tongue, sirrah,' said the But robs with smiles the purse of wealth, priest, we shall never persuade the people it was
With poverty 'tis greedy. five thousand,"
It has a stomach to devour
The gold of all the nation,
And then to hell would sue for more
And offer an oblation. that every thing made by God was perfect.
What think you of me?" said a deformed man in a pew
It is in ev'ry ill so school'd,
It has but one true master, beneath, who arose from his seat and pointed at his own back. * Think of you,” reiterated the preacher,
And troth there's odds is Nick, its sire, “why that you are the most perfect hunchback my
Or law itself goes faster. eyes ever behele,” TAKING COUNSEL'S OPINION.
A fellow, carrying a heavy load, exclaimed every
now and then * Make way,” but notwithstand. A pickpocket having been practising his trade in a this caution a conceited fellow would take the wall of court' of justice, was taken in the fact, and it was him, whereby his coat was nearly torn off his back. deemed the best way to try him without further On being taken before a magistrate for this assault, as delay. The fellow demanded counsel, when a gen- it was deemed, the porter remained silent to every tleinan of the bar was allowed him, with whom he interrogatory, upon which the complainant enraged, retired to a chamber adjoining the court, in order to exclaimed, “Why, the fellow is not dumb, he spoke consult him. The window of the room not being many feet from the ground, the delinquent said, " i very well this morning." ". What did he say?" in
“ He cried out make way, as loul think, sir, the most expedient way for me to extricate he could bawl," returned the other. “ If so," reiterated myself would be to jump out of that window.” “Faith the magistrate," he gave you timely notice, which it is mine too,” said the counsellor, who immediately you should have profited bv, and then your coat would suffered the fellow to escape. On returning into the not have been torn.” court he was asked concerning the prisoner.-—“He has escaped,” replied the counsellor. And why did you suffer it without giving the alarm?" reiterated the The following notice appeared in a Jersey journal: judge." For the best of all reasons," replied the To be sold on the 8th of July, 151 suits in law, the other : " I was deputed his adviser, and as we both property of an eminent attorney about to retire from agreed in opinion, he took his measures accordingly.” business. Note, The clients are rich and obstinate."
DEAF AND DUMB.
THE DEPUNCT INSOLVENT.
We thinkna on the lang Scots miles, DIM. Triphook & Co. having directed a letter,
The mosses, waters, slaps, and styles, "To George Hardinge, Esq. if living; if dead, to his
That lie between us and our hame, executors;” beginning “ Sir, or Gentlemen," and
Whare sits our sulky sullen dame, stating that not having heard from Mr. Hardinge
Gathering her brows like gathering storm, after repeated application for settling an enclosed ac
Nursing her wrath to keep it warm.
This truth fand honest Tam o' Shanter, count, they concluded he must be dead; and if that melancholy circumstance was true, requesting it might
As he frae Ayr ae night did canter be settled by his executor; Mr. Hardinge immediately
(Auld Ayr, wham ne'er a town surpasses, For honest men and bonnie lasses.)
O Tam! hadst thou but been sae wise, "Oh' Messieurs Triphook, what is fear'd by you,
As ta'en thy ain wife Kate's advice! The melancholy circumstance is true;
She tauld thee weel thou was a skellum, For I am dead; and more afflicting still,
A blethering, blustering, drunken blellum ; My legal assets will not pay your bill.
That frae November till October, For oh! to name it, I am broken-hearted,
Ae market day thou wasna sober;
That ilka melder, wi' the miller.
The smith and thee gat roaring fou on; P.S. Excuse the postage which these lines have cost, That at the 1-d's house, ev'n on Sunday, The dead their franking privilege have lost. Thou drank wi' Kirton Jean till Monday.
She prophesy'd, that late or soon,
Or catch'd wi' warlocks in the mirk, A lady observing to lord Chesterfield that the French By Alloway's auld haunted kirk. were a more polite people than the English, he hesi Ah! gentle dames ! it gars me greet, tared for a few minutes : the observer continued to To think how mony counsels sweet, cirroborate her opinion by adding,
My Lord, the
How mony lengthen'd, sage advices, English confess it themselves." Nay then," re. The husband frae the wife despises ! wrned the peer, " that confession proves the English But to our tale : Ae market night, superior in politeness."
Tam had got planted unco right;
Fast by an ingle, bleezing finely,
Wi' reaming swats, that drank divinely
And at his elbow, souter Johnny,
His ancient, trusty, drouthy crony.
Tam lo’ed him like a vera brither ;
They had been fou for weeks thegither. When chapman billies leave the street,
The night drave on wi' sangs an' clatter; And drcuthy neebors, neebors meet,
And aye the ale was growing better : As market days are wearing late,
The landlady and Tam grew gracious; An' folk begin to tak the gate;
W'i' favours, secret, sweet, and precious : While we sit bousing at the happy,
The souter tauld his queerest stories ; An' getting fou and unco happy,
The landlord's laugh was ready chorus :
The storm without might rair and rustle,
And near the thorn, aboon the well, Tam didna mind the storm a whistle.
Whare Mungo's mither hang'd hersel. Care, mad to see a man sae happy,
Before him Doon pours all her floods ; E'en drown'd himsel amang the nappy ;
The doubling storm roars thro' the woods ; As bees flee hame wi' lades o' treasure,
The lightnings flash from pole to pole ; The minutes wing'd their way wi' pleasure :
Near and more near the thunders roll; Kings may be blest, but Tam was glorious,
When, glimmering thro' the groaning trees, O'er a' the ills o' life victorious.
Kirk-Alloway seem'd in a bleeze ; But pleasures are like poppies spread,
Thro' ilka bore the beams were glancing; You seize the flower, its bloom is shed;
And loud resounded mirth and dancing. Or like the snow-falls in the river,
Inspiring bold John Barleycorn! A moment white-then melts for ever ;
What dangers thou canst make us scorn. Or like the borealis race,
Wi' tippenny, we fear nae evil ; That fit ere you can point their place;
Wi' usquebae, we'll face the devil!Os like the rainbow's lovely form
The swats sae reum'd in Tammie's noddle, Evanishing amid the storm
Fair play, he car'd na dei's a boddle. Nae man can tether time or tide
But Maggie stood right sair astonish'd, The hour approaches Tam maun ride ;
Till, by the heel and hand admonishid, That hour, o' night's black arch the key-stane,
She ventured forward on the light; That dreary hour he mounts his beast in;
And, Wow ! Tam saw an unco sight! And sic a night he taks the road in,
Warlocks and witches in a dance; As ne'er poor sinner was abroad in.
Nae cotillion brent new frae France, The wind blew as 'twad blawn its last;
But hornpipes, jigs, strathspeys, and reels, The rattling showers rose on the blast;
Put life and mettle in their heels, The speedy gleams the darkness swallow'd ;
A winnock bunker in the east, Loud, deep, and lang the thunder bellow'd :
There sat auld Nick, in shape o' beast; That night, a child might understand,
A towzie tyke, black, grim, and large, The deil had business on his hand.
To gie them music was his charge : Weel mounted on his grey mare Meg,
He screw'd the pipes and gart them skirl, A better never lifted leg,
Till roof and rafters a' did dirl.Tam skelpit on thro’ dub and mire,
Coffins stood round like open presses, Despising wind, and rain, and fire;
That shaw'd the dead in their last dresses; Whiles hauding fast his guid blue bonnet;
And by some devilish cantrip slight, Whiles crooning o'er some auld Scot's sonnet; Each in its cauld hand held a light, Whiles glowring round wi' prudent cares,
By which heroic Tam was able Lest bogles catch him unawares;
To note upon the haly table, Kirk-Alloway was drawing nigh,
A murderer's banes in gibbet airns; Whare ghaists and houlets nightly cry.
Twa span-lang, wee, unchristen’d bairns ; By this time he was cross the ford,
A thief, new cutted frae a rape, Whare in the snaw the chapman smoor'd ;
Wi' his last gasp his gab did gape ; And past the birks and meikle stane,
Five tomahawks, wi'bluid red rusted ; Whare drunken Charlie brak's neck-bane;
Five scimitars, wi’ murder crusted ; And thro’ the whins, and by the cairn,
A garter, which a babe had strangled ; Whare hunters fand the murder'd bairn;
A knife, a father's throat had mangled,
Whom his ain son o' life bereft,
And how Tam stood, like ane bewitch'd, The gray hairs yet stack to the heft;
And thought his very een enrich'd ; Wi' mair o' horrible and awfu',
Even Satan glowr'd, and fidged fu’ fajn, Which even to name wad be unlawfu'.
And hoch'd and blew wi' might and main ; As I ammie glowr'd, amaz'd, and curious,
Till first ae caper, syne anither, The mirth and fun grew fast and furious:
Tam tint his reason a' thegither, The piper loud and louder blew ;
And roars out, “Weel done, Cutty-sark!"
And in an instant all was dark:
When out the hellish legion sallied.
As bees bizz out wi' angry fyke,
When plundering herds assail their byke;
When, pop! she starts before their nose ;
As eager runs the inarket crowd, Been snaw-white seventeen hunder linen!
When, "Catch the thief!" resounds aloud ; Thir breeks o' mine, my only pair,
So Maggie runs, the witches follow, That ance were plush, o'guid blue hair,
Wi' mony an eldritch skreech and hollow. I wad hae gi'en them aff my hurdies,
Ah, Tam! ah, Tam! thou'll get thy fairin For ae blink o' the bonnie burdies !
In hell they'll roast thee like a herrin! But wither'd beldams, auld and droll,
In vain thy Kate awaits thy comin! Rigwiddie hags wad spean a foal,
Kate soon will be a woefu' woman! Lowping an' finging on a cummock,
Now, do thy speedy utmost, Meg, I wonder didna turn thy stomach.
And win the key-stane* o' the brig ; But Tam keen'd what was what fu' brawlie, There at them thou thy tail may toss, There was ae winsome wench and walie,
A running stream they dare na cross, That night inlisted in the core,
But ere the key-stane she could make, (Lang after ken'd on Carrick shore !
The fient a tail she had to shake . For mony a beast to dead she shot,
For Nannie, far before the rest, And perish'd mony a bonnie boat,
Hard upon noble Maggie prest, And shook baith meikle corn and bear,
And flew at Tam wi' furious ettle ; And kept the country-side in fear,)
But little wist she Maggie's mettleHer cuity sark, o' Paisley harn,
Ae spring brought off her master hale, That while a lassie she had worn,
But left behind her ain grey tail : In longitude tho' sorely scanty,
The carlin claught her by the rump,
And left poor Maggie scarce a stump.
Now, wha this tale o' truth shall read,
Ilk man and mother's son, tak heed : Wad ever graced a dance of witches!
* It is a well-known fact, that witches or any evil spirits But here my Muse her wing maun cour; have no power to follow a poor wight any further that the Sic flights are far beyond her power ;
middle of the next running stream. It may be proper likeTo sing how Nangie lap and flang,
wise to mention to the beníghted traveller, ihat when he falls
in with bogles, whatever danger may be in his going forward, (A souple jade she was and strang,)
there is much more hazard in turning back.