master, and, provided his servants humour his peculiarities, flatter his vanity a little now and then, and do not peculate grossly on him before his face, they may manage him to perfection. Every thing that lives on him seems to thrive and grow fat. His house servants are well paid, and pampered, and have little to do. His horses are sleek and lazy, and prance slowly before his state carriage; and his house dogs sleep quietly about the door, and will hardly bark at a house-breaker.

John, with all his odd humours and obstinate prejudices, is a sterling-hearted old blade. He may not be so wonderfully fine a fellow as he thinks himself, but he is at least twice as good as his neighbours represent him. His virtues are all his own; all plain, homebred and unaffected. His very faults smack of the raciness of his good qualities. His extravagance savours of his generosity; his quarrelsomeness of his courage; his credulity of his open faith; his vanity of his pride; and his bluntness of his sincerity. They are all the redundancies of rich and liberal character. He is like his own oak; rough without, but sound and solid within; whose bark abounds with excrescences in proportion to the growth and grandeur of the timber; and whose branches make a fearful groaning and murmuring in the least storm, from their very magnitude and luxuriance.

WASHINGTON IRVING.

THE COURT OF ALDERMEN AT FISHMONGERS' HALL.

Is that dace or perch?
Said Alderman Birch;

I take it for herring,

Said Alderman Perring.

This jack's very good,

Said Alderman Wood;

But its bones might a man slay,
Said Alderman Ansley.
I'll butter what I get,

Said Alderman Heygate, Give me some stew'd carp,

Said Alderman Thorp.

The roe's dry as pith,

Said Aldermen Smith.

Don't cut so far down,
Said Alderinan Brown;
But nearer the fin,

Said Alderman Glyn.
I've finish'd, i'faith man,
Said Alderman Waithman
And I too, i'fatking,

Said Alderman Atkins.
They've crimp'd this cod drolly,
Said Alderman Scholey;
'Tis bruised at the ridges,

Said Alderman Brydges. Was it caught in a drag? Nay, Said Alderman Magnay. 'Twas brought by two men,

Said Alderman Venables: Yes, in a box,

Said Alderman Cox. They care not how fur 'tis,

Said Alderman Curtis. From air kept, and from sun,

Said Alderman Thompson; Pack'd neatly in straw,

Said Alderman Shaw: In ice got from Gunter,

Said Alderman Hunter. This ketchup is sour,

Said Alderman Flower; Then steep it in claret,

Said Alderman Garret.

DEFINITION OF A HEAD.

A head, to speak in the gardener's style, is a mere bulbous excrescence, growing out from between the shoulders like a wen, it is supposed to be a mere expletive, just to wear a hat on, to fill up the hollow of a wig, to take snuff with, or have your hair dressed upon.

Some of these heads are manufactured in wood, some in paste-board, which is a hint to show there may not only be block-heads, but also paper-skulls. Physicians acquaint us that, upon any fright or alarm, the spirits fly up into the head, and the blood rushes violently back to the heart: hence it is politicians compare the human constitution, and the nation's constitution, together; they supposing the head to be the court end of the town, and the heart the country; for people in the country seem to be taking things to heart, and people at court only seem to wish to be at the head of things.

We make a mighty bustle about the twenty-four letters; how many changes they can ring, and how many volumes they have composed; yet, let us look upon the many millions of mankind, and see if any two faces are alike. Nature never designed several faces which we see, it is the odd exercise they give the muscles belonging to their visages occasions such looks. As for example; we meet in the streets with several people talking to themselves, and seem much pleased with such self-conversation; some people we see starting at every thing, and wondering with a foolish face of praise; some laughing, some crying. Now crying and laughing are contrary effects, the least alteration of features occasions the difference, it is turning up the muscles to laugh, and down to cry.

Yet laughter is much mistaken, no person being capable of laughing, who is incapable of thinking. For some people, suddenly break aloud into violent spasms, ha, ha, ha! and then, without any gradation, change at once into downright stupidity.

BATTLE OF DETTINGEN.

George II. commanded at the battle of Dettingen, and his horse ran away with him into the French lines, on which his majesty alighted, and charged

[Addressed to Miss Little, who was very short in stature, on her marriage.]

When any thing abounds we find
That nobody will have it,
But when there's little of the kind,
One and all we crave it.

If wives are evils, as 'tis known,

And wofully confess'd,

The man who's wise will surely own
A little one is best.

The God of love's a little wight,

But beautiful as thought;
Thou, too, art little, fair as light,

And all that's sweet-in short!
O, happy girl! all think thee so,

So thinks the poet's song-
"Man wants but little here below,
Nor wants that little long."

ACCOMMODATION.

The following curious notice was affixed to the residence of a gentleman, whose premises had suffered much from nightly depredators :-"Those persons, who have been in the habit of stealing my fence for a considerable time past, are respectfully informed, that, if equally agreeable to them, it will be more convenient to me if they would steal my wood, and leave the fence for the present; and as it may be some little inconvenience to get over the palings, the gate is left open for their accommodation.

(Signed) S. SWIFT."

CHASTITY.

An English lady asked the mother abbess of a convent at Paris, if the nuns kept the vow of chastity. "Yes," said the abbess, "I can venture to affirm it. For if it be a crime to cuckold an earthly husband, how much more a heavenly one."

EXTEMPORE GRACE BY BEN JONSON, BEFORE KING
JAMES.

Our King and Queen, the Lord God bless,
The Palsgrave, and the Lady Besse,
And God bless every living thing

That lives and breathes and loves the King.
God bless the council of estate,
And Buckingham the fortunate,
God bless them all, and keep them safe,
And God bless me, and God bless Ralph.

The king was mightily inquisitive to know who this Ralph was. Ben told him "It was the drawer at the Swanne tavern at Chaling-cross, who drew him good Canarie." We dread lest it should excite the cupidity of our Laureate, when we add that, "For this drollery, his majestie gave him a hundred pounds!"

SINKING AND SWEARING.

Two Jesuits, on their passage to America, were desired by the master to go down into the hold, as a storm was coming on; he told them that they need not apprehend any danger as long as they heard the seamen curse and swear; but if once they were silent, and quiet, he would advise them to betake themselves to prayers. Soon after the lay-brother went to the hatches, to hear what was going forward, when he quickly returned, saying, all was over, for they swore like troopers, and their blasphemy alone was enough to sink the vessel.-"The Lord be praised for it," replied the other, "then we are safe."

WORSE AND WORSE.

Two penitents, in a procession at Lisbon on AshWednesday, were comparing notes about their sins, One said, he had lain with his mother." "Ay!" said the other, "but that's a mere peccadillo to my crime, for I laid with my grand-mother."

MODERN LONDON.

Prepare for death, if here at night you roam
And sign your will before you sup from home.
Some fiery fop, with new commission vain,
Who sleeps on brambles till he kills his man ;
Some frolic drunkard, reeling from a feast,
Provokes a broil, and stabs you for a jest.

Yet e'en these heroes, mischievously gay,
Lords of the street, and terrors of the way;
Flush'd as they are with folly, youth, and wine,
Their prudent insults to the poor confine;
Afar they mark the flambeau's bright approach,
And shun the shining train and golden coach.

In vain, these dangers pass'd, your doors you close,
And hope the balmy blessings of repose:
Cruel with guilt, and daring with despair,
The midnight murderer bursts the faithless bar;
Invades the sacred hour of silent rest,
And plants, unseen, a dagger in your breast.

Scarce can our fields, such crowds at Tyburn die, With hemp the gallows and the fleet supply. Propose your schemes, ye senatorian band, Whose ways and means support the sinking land, Lest ropes be wanting in the tempting spring To rig another convoy for the king.†

A single jail, in Alfred's golden reign, Could half the nation's criminals contain; Fair justice then, without constraint adored, Held high the steady scale, but sheath'd the sword; No spies were paid, no special juries known; Bless'd age! but ah! how different from our own!

RONDEAU.

By two black eyes my heart was won :
Sure never wretch was so undone
By two black eyes!

To Celia with my suit I came ;
But she, regardless of her prize,
Thought proper to reward my flame
By two black eyes.

A CONTRAST.

A very passionate general calling one morning on Sir Robert Walpole, found his servant shaving him. During the conversation, Sir Robert said mildly, 'John, you cut me ;" and continued the former subject of discourse. Presently he said again, "John, you cut me;" but as mildly as before: and soon after he had occasion to say it again; when the general starting up in a rage, said, swearing a great oath, and doubling his fist at the servant, If Sir Robert can bear it, I cannot; and if you cut him once more, John, I'll knock you down."

THE POWER OF MUSIC.

A young gentleman having attempted many ways in vain to acquire the affections of a lady of great fortune, at last was resolved to try what could be done by the help of music, and therefore entertained her with a serenade under her window at midnight; but she ordered her servants to drive him away by throw ing stones at him: "Oh, my friend," said one of his companions, "your music is as powerful as that of Orpheus, for it draws the very stones about you."

DECENCY AND DANGER.

A fire happening next door to a gentleman's house, he was a full half hour before he could prevail on his wife to quit her room, into which she had locked herself. At length, she came forth, greatly alarmed, in her shift, her under petticoat, and one long ruffle on her arm." Bless my soul!" cried her husband, "what a while you have been, and knew the next house to be on fire!" "I can't help it, my dear," cried she, "if our own was in flames; I only stopped to make myself decent,"

AN OVERSIGHT.

A lady of fashion once declaimed to a lady of quality, in public company, against second marriages: the lady whom she addressed had been twice married; and she had recently been married to her own second husband. When reminded of this she exclaimed, "Bless me! my dear, I had quite forgotten it."

FAT FOLKS.

Prince Harry and Falstaff, in Shakspeare, have carried the ridicule upon fat and lean as far as it will go. Falstaff is humorously called Wool-Sack, Bed Presser, and Hill of Flesh; Harry, a Starveling, an Eel's-skin, a Sheath, a Bow-case, and a Tuck.

FAT AND LEAN CLUBS.

In a considerable market town, there was a club of fat men, that did not come together (as you may well suppose) to entertain one another with sprightliness the room where the club met was something of the and wit, but to keep one another in countenance; largest, and had two entrances, the one by a door of moderate size, and the other by a pair of folding doors. If a candidate for this corpulent club could make his entrance through the first, he was looked upon as not qualified, but if he stuck in the passage and could not force his way through it, the folding doors were immediately thrown open for his reception, and he was saluted as a brother. I have heard that this club, though it consisted but of fifteen persons, weighed above three tons. In opposition to this society, there sprung up another, composed of scarecrows and skeletons; who being very meagre and envious, did all they could to thwart the designs of their bulky brethren, whom they represented as men of dangerous principles; till at length they worked them out of the favour of the people, and consequently out of the magistracy. Those factions tore the corporation to pieces for several years, till at length they came to this accommodation; that the two bailiffs of the town should be annually chosen out of the two clubs, by which means the principal magistrates are at this day coupled like rabbits, one fat and one lean. SPECTATOR.

LOSS OF MEMORY.

A DISGUISE.

A remarkably dirty man, soliciting his friend's advice how he should dress himself for a masquerade, received the following answer: "Only just wash your hands and face, put on a clean shirt, and I'll be hanged if any one will know you."

ELEGIAC EXPOSTULATION TO AN UNFORTUNATE

TAILOR

O thou whose visionary bills unpaid,

Long as thy measure, o'er my slumber stream; Whose goose, hot hissing through the midnight shade, Disturbs the transport of each softer dream! Why do imaginary needles wound?

Why do thy shears cut short my fleeting joys!
Oh! why, emerging from thy hell profound,

The ghost of shreds and patches, awful rise?
Once more look up, nor droop thy hanging head;
The liberal linings of that breast unfold;
Be smiles, far brighter than thy buttons, spread;
And nobly scorn the vulgar lust of gold.
Though doom'd by fortune, since remotest time,
No meaner coin of moderate date to use,
Lo! 1 can well reward with sterling rhyme,
Stamp'd by the sacred mintage of the muse.
Why mourn thy folly, why deplore thy fate,
Why call on every power in sore dismay?
Thy warmest oraisons, alas! are late:

Reflect-didst thou e'er know a poet pay?

Vain from thy shopboard the eternal sigh;
Vain thy devotions from that sable shrine:

Can guineas from the vacant pocket fly?

Can sorrow fill this empty purse of mine? Ah me! so long with dire consumption pined, When shall that purse ill omen'd proudly swell Full as the sail that holds the favouring wind? Mysterious ministers of money, tell!

Fond man! while pausing o'er that gloomy page That tells thee what thou art in terma too plain, O'er the capacious ledger lose thy rage,

Nor of unsettled debts again be vain. There lords and dukes and mighty princes lie, Nor on them canst thou for prompt payment call Why starts the big drop in thine anguish'd eye! One honest genuine bard is worth them all. A common garment such as mortals wear (Dull sons of clay, the ready price who give), Thou mad'st, and lo! it lasted one short year; But in my garment thou shalt ever live. Time ne'er shall rip one consecrated seam

Of cloth, from fancy's loom all superfine; Nor shall I cruel haunt thy softer dream, E'en when I dress thee in a suit divine. Let sage philosophy thy soul inform

With strength heroic every ill to bear, Not better broadcloth braves the angry storm; And constant patience is delightful wear. Be patient then, and wise, nor meanly shrink Beneath despondency's tumultuous blast: The reckoning day may come when least you think A joyful day, though miracles are pass'd.

SHORT COMMONS.

DERMODY.

A gentleman being at St. Margaret's, Westminster, on a fast day, observed to another that there were very few of the members of the house of commons assembled. "Is that to be wondered at returned the other? Why I thought you understood the nature of the proclamation better; observe you not that it strictly enjoins short commons every where ?