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CHARACTERS OF A DRINKING CLUB.BY A MEMBER.
The person who had to put the interrogatory varied Colonel Culverin is a brave old experienced officer the words, but strictly preserved the sense. He said, though but a lieutenant-colonel of foot. Between
“ Is this young lady your daughter !!! you and me he has had a great injustice done him, To which Bransley very pompously replied, “ 1 and is now commanded by many who were not born am!"
when he came first into the army. He has served in Ireland, Minorca, and Gibraltar ; and would have been in all the late battles in Flanders, had the re
giment been ordered there. It is a pleasure to hear You must know then that our club consists of at him talk of war. He is the best-natured man alive, least forty members when complete. Of these, but a little too jealous of his honour, and too apt to many are now in the country; and besides, we have be in a passion ; but that is soon over, and then he some vacancies which cannot be filled up till next is sorry for it. I fear he is dropsical, which I impute winter. Palsies and apoplexies have of late, I don't to his drinking your Champaigus and Burgundies. know why, been pretty rise among us, and carried He got that ill habit abroad. off a good many. It is not above a week ago, that Sir George Pliant is well born, has a genteel forpoor Tom Toastwell fell on a sudden under the tune, keeps the very best company, and is to be sure table, as we thought only a little in drink, but he was one of the best-bred men alive: he is so good-natured, carried home and never spoke more. Those whom that seems to have no will of his own. He will you will probably meet with to-day are, first of all, drink as little or as much as you please, and no matLord Feeble, a nobleman of admirable sense, a true ter of what. He has been a mighty man with the fine gentleman, and, for a man of quality, a pretty ladies forinerly, and loves the crack of the whip still. ciassic. He has lived rather fast formerly, and im- He is our newsmonger, for being a gentleman of the paired his constitution by sitting up late and drinking privy chamber, he goes to court every day, and con. your thin sharp wines. He is still what you call sequently knows pretty well what is going forward nervous, which makes him a little low-spirited and there. Poor gentleman! I fear we shall not keep reserved at first; but he grows very affable and him long; for he seems far gone in a consumption, cheerful as soon as he has warmed his stomach with though the doctors say it is only a nervous atrophy. about a bottle of good claret.
Will Sitfast is the best-natured fellow living, and Sir Tunbelly Guzzle is a very worthy north-country an excellent companion, though he seldoin speaks ; baronet, of a good estate, and one who was before but he is no flincher, and sits every man's hand out hand in the world, till being twice choseu knight at the club. He is a very good scholar, and can wrie of the shire, and having in consequence got a very pretty Latin vorses. I doubt he is in a declining pretty employmant it court, he ran out considerably. way ; for a paralytic stroke has lately twitched up one ile has left off house-keeping, and is now upon a side of his inouth so, that he is now obliged to take retrieving scheme. lle is the heartiest, honestest tel- his wine diagonally. However he keeps up his low living; and thongh he is a man of few words, I spirits bravely, anxl never shans his glass. can assure you he does not want sense. He had a Dr. Carbuncle is an honest, jolly, merry, parson, university education, and has a good notion of the well affected to the government, and much of a genclassics. The poor man is confined half the year at tleman. He is the life of our club, instead of being least with the gout, and has besides an inveterate the least restraint upon it. lle is an admirable scurvy, which I cannot account for: no man can live scholar, and I really believe has all Horace by heart , more regularly ; he eats nothing but plain meat, and I know he has him always in his pocket. His red face, very little of that: he drinks no thin wines, and never inflamed nose, and swelled legs, make him generally sits up late : for he has his full dose by eleven, thought a hard drinker by those who do not know
him; but I must do him the justice to say, that I supposed they were intended as ballast. But even nevtr saw him disguised with liquor in my life. It is this precaution did not protect the nose of doctor Cartrze, he is a very large man, and can hold a great buncle from a severe shock, in his attempt to hit his deal, which makes the colonel call him pleasantly mouth. The colonel, who observed this accident, enough, a vessel of election.
cried out pleasantly, “ Why, doctor, I find you are
but a bad engineer. While you aim at your mouth, AN AUTHOR's INTRODUCTION TO THE CLUB.
you will never hit it, take my word for it. A floating My friend presented me to the company, in what battery to hit the mark, must be pointed something he thought the most obliging manuer; but which, 1 above or below it. If you would hit your mouth, confess, put me a little out of countenance. “ Give direct your four-pounder at your forehead or your sue leave, gentlemen,” said he, “ to present to you chin." The doctor good-humourediy thanked the my old friend, the ingenious author of the World." colonel for the hint, and promised him to communicate ize word author instanily excited the attention of the it to his friends at Oxford, where, he owned, that he Whole company, and drew all their eyes upon me : had seen many a good glass of Port spilt for want of for people who are not apt to write theinselves, have it. Şir Tunbelly almost smiled, Sir George laughed, a strange curiosity to see a live author. The gentle- and the whole company, somehow or other, applauded men received me in common, with those gestures that this elegant piece of raillery. But alas, things soon izionate welcome; and I, on any part, respectfully took a less pleasant turn; for an enormous buttock of Eutered some of those nothings which stand instead boiled salt beef, which had succeeded the soup, proved o the something one should say, and perhaps do full not to be sufficiently corned for Sir Tunbelly, who as well.
had bespoke it; and at the same time Lord Feeble The weather being hot, the gentlemen were re- took a dislike to the claret, which he affirmed not to freshing themselves before dinner, with what they be the same which they drank the day before ; it had called a cool taukard, in which they successively no silkiness, went rough off the tongue, and his lord
When it came to my turn, I thought I ship shrewdly suspected that it was mixed with could not decently decline drinking the gentlemen's Benecarlo, or some of those black wines. This was healths, which I did aggregateiy: but how was I a common cause, and excited universal attention. suprised, when upon the first taste I discovered that The whole company tasted it seriously, and every this cooling and refreshing draught was composed of one found a different fault with it. The master of the strongest mountain wine, lowered indeed with the house was immediately sent for up, examined, a very little lemon and water, but then heightened and treated as a criminal. Sir Tunbelly reproached again, by a quantity of those comfortable aromatics, him with the freshness of the beef, while at the same Launeg and ginger! Dinner, which had been called time all the others fell upon him for the badness of for more than once with some impatience, was at his wine, telling him that it was not fit usage for last brought up, upon the colonel's threatening per- such good customers as they were, and in fine dition to the master and all the waiters of the house, threatening him with the migration of the club to if it was delayed two minutes longer.- We sat down some other house. The criminal laid the blame of without ceremony, and we were no sooner sat down, the beef's not being corned enough upon his cook, han every body, except myself, drank every body's whom he promised to turn away; and attested heahealth, which made a tumultuous kind of noise. I ven and earth that the wine was the very same which observed with surprise, that the common quantity of they had all approved of the day before ; and as he wine was put into glasses of an immense size and had a soul to be saved, was true Chateau Margoux. weight; but my surprise ceased when I saw the “Chateau devil!” said the colonel with warmth : tremulous bands that took then), and for which I " it is your dm-drough Chaos wine.” Will Sitfast,
drank to me.
who thought himself obliged to articulate upon this, Bristol and the bottle act. “ It was a shame," he occasion, said he was not sure it was a mixed wine, said, “ that gentlemen could have no good Burgunbut that indeed it drank down. “If that is all,” dies and Champaigns for the sake of some increase interrupted the doctor, “ let us e'en drink it up then. of the revenue, the manufacture of glass bottles, and Or, if that won't do, since we cannot have the true such sort of stuff.” Sir George confirmed the same, Falernum, let us take up for once with the vile Sa- adding, that it was scandalous ; and the whole combinum. What say you, gentlemen, to good honest pany agreed, that the new parliament would certainly Port, which I am convinced is a much wholesomer repeal so absurd an act the very first session; but if stomach wine ?" My friend, who in his heart loves they did not, they hoped they would receive instrucPort better than any other wine in the world, wil- tions for that purpose from their constituents.
" To lingly seconded the doctor's motion, and spoke very be sure,” said the colonel. " What a d--d rout favourably of your Portugal wines in general, if near. they made about the repeal of the Jew-bill, for which Upon this some was immediately brought up, which nobody cared one farthing.- But by the way,” conI observed my friend and the doctor stuck to the tinued he, “ I think, every body has done eating, and whole evening. I could not help asking the doctor if therefore had we not better have the dinner taken he really preferred Port to lighter wines ? To away, and the wine set upon the table ?"– To this which he answered, “ You know, Mr. Fitz-Adam, the company gave an unanimous Ay. While this was that use is second nature, and Port is in a manner doing, I asked my friend, with seeming seriousness, mother's milk to me ; for it is what my Alma Mater whether no part of the dinner was to be served up suckles all her numerous progeny with.” I silently again, when the wine should be set upon the table ? assented to the doctor's account, which I was con- He seemed surprised at my question, and asked me if vinced was a true one, and then attended to the I was hungry? To which I answered, no; but judicious animadversions of the other gentlemen upon asked him in my turn if he was dry? To which he the claret, which were still continued, though at the also answered, no. “ Then pray,” replied I, “why same time they continued to drink it. I hinted my not as well eat without being hungry, as drink with. surprise at this to Sir Tunbelly, who gravely answered out being dry ?"— My friend was so stunned with me, and in a moving way, “ Why, what can we do?" this, that he attempted no reply, but stared at me “Not drink it,” replied I, “ since it is not good." with as much astonishment as he would have done “ But what will you have us do ? and how shall we at my great ancestor Adam in his primitive state of pass the evening ?" rejoined the baronet. “ One nature. cannot go home at five o'clock.” “ That depends The cloth was now taken away, and the bottles, a great deal upon use,' said I. " It may be so, glasses, and dish-clouts, put upon the table, when to a certain degree,” said the doctor. “ But give Will Sitfast, who I found was a perpetual toastme leave to ask you, Mr. Fitz-Adam, you who drink master, tock the chair of course, as the man of applinothing but water, and live much at home, how do cation to business. Ile began the king's health in a you keep up your spirits ?" “ Why, doctor,” said I, bumper, which circulated in the same manner, not
as I never lowered my spirits bý strong liquors, 1 without some nice examinations of the chairman, as do not want to raise them.” Here we were inter- to day-light. The bottle standing by me, I was rupted by the colonel's raising his voice and in- called upon by the chairman, who added, that, dignation against the Burgundy and Champaign, though a water-drinker, he hoped I would not refuse swearing that the former was ropy, and the latter that health in wine? I begged to be excused, and upon the fret, and not without some suspicion of told him that I never drank his majesty's health at cider and sugar-candy; notwithstanding which, he all, though no one of his subjects wished it more drank, in a bumper of it, Confusion to the town of | heartily than I did. That hitherto it had not ap
MR. FOX AND JACK ROBINSON.
SIR GEOP.GE ROOK.
peared to me that there could be the least relation betweta the wine I drank, and the king's state of The late Mr. Fox, in the course of a speech in the
and that till I was convinced that impairing House of Commons, when he was enlarging on the my own health would improve his majesty's, I was influence exercised by government over the members, resolved to preserve the use of my faculties and my observed, that it was generally understood that there limbs to employ both in his service, if he should ever was a person employed by the minister as manager of have occasion for them. I had foreseen the conse- the House of Commons ; here there was a general quences of this refusal; and though my friend had cry of “ Name him! name him!"-"No," said Mr. answered for my principles, I easily discovered an Fox, “ I don't choose to name him, though I might air of suspicion in the countenances of the company; do it as easily as say Jack Robinson.” John Robinand I overheard -the colonel whisper to Lord Feeble, son was really his name. " This author is a very odd dog."
A drunken fellow carried his wife's bible to pawn An author, who was on very good terms with for a quartern of gin to the alehouse, but the landhimself, but extremely poor and shabby, being in lord refused to take it. “ What the devil!" said the company, where he heard a gentleman repeat a fellow, “ will neither my word nor the word of God passage from some of his writings, exclaimed : pass current with you ?” * There, you see, he quotes me !"— “ Yes,” said Charles Bannister, "and if he was to waist-coat you leo, you would not be the worse for it."
Sir George Rook, before he was made admiral, served as a captain of marines upon their first esta
blishment; and being quartered on the coast of Essex, An Irish gentleman, named Mahon, an amateur of where the ague made havoc among his men, the the drama, once took it into his head to play the minister of the village where he lay was so harassed part of Major O'Flaherty, in the comedy of The West with the duty, that he refused to bury any more of Indian.- He acted like any thing; and, at the con- them without being paid his accustomed fees. The eusion of the play, was convinced he could never captain made no words, but the next that died he hoppe to make any other than a pitiful figure upon the ordered to be carried to the minister's house, and laid stage. The same night, he supped at å tavern with upon the table of his great hall; this greatly embarparty of friends ; where they stayed late, and got heart sent the captain word, " That if he would cause
rassed the poor clergyman, who in the fulness of his rery drunk. In their way home, one of the company eave Mahon into custody of the patrole, on a charge the dead man to be taken away, he would never more of murder' protesting he had seen him commit the dispute it with him, but would readily bury him and torrid act.—Mahon was confined for the night, and his whole company for nothing." taken before a justice next morning. The magistrate
DEAN SWIFT'S INVENTORY then demanded of the gentleman, who had given the charge, on whom Mr. Mahon had committed the Of household goods, upon his lending his house to dreadful deed, of which he stood accused-whom the Bishop of Meath, till his palace was rebuilt. had he murdered ?—“ A very worthy gentleman, An oaken broken elbow chair, nained Major O'Flaherty,” replied the other ;“ and A caudle cup without an ear, be treated him with less mercy than you would a
A batter'd, shatter'd, ash bedstead, bitch's blind puppies, sixteen to the litter!"
A box of deal without a lid,
A DRAMATIC MURDER.
A pair of tongs beat out of joint,
Mr. M. Sterling:-A good fellow is a good neighA back-sword poker without point,
bour, a good citizen, a good relation; in short, a A pot that's crack'd across, around, good man. With an old knotted garter bound;
Mr. M'Farlane.--A good fellow is a bonnie braw
Mr. O'Connor.-A good fellow is one who talks
loud and swears louder; cares little about learning, A pair of bellows without pipe,
and less about his neckcloth ; loves whiskey, patroA dish which might good meat afford once, nises bargemen, and wears nails in his shoes. An Ovid, and an old Concordance,
Mr. Musgrave.--A good fellow is prime-flashA bottle-bottom, wooden platter,
and bang-up. One is for meal, and one for water;
Mr. Burton. A good fellow is one who knows There likewise is a copper skillet,
“what's what," keeps accounts, and studies Cocker. Which runs as fast out as you fill it ;
Mr. Rowley. A good fellow likes turtle and cold A candlestick, snuff-dish, and save-all, punch, drinks Port when he can't get Champagne, And thus his household goods you have all. and dines on mutton with sir Robert, when he can't These to your lordship as a friend,
get venison at my lord's.
Mr. Lozell. A good fellow is something com-
Mr. Oakley, A good fellow is something perfectly
different from the preceding,-or Mr. Oakley is The secretary of a literary society being requested to draw up“ a definition of a good fellow," applied to the members of the club, individually, for " Oh let me die in peace!” Eumenes cry'd such hints as they could furnish, when he received To a hard creditor at his bed side. the following :
" How! die !" roard Gripus, "thus your debts Mr. Golightly.-A good fellow is one who rides evade! blood horses, drives four-in-hand, speaks when he's No, no, sir ; you shan't die till I am paid.” spoken to, sings when he's asked, always turns his back on a dun, and never on a friend.
NO SOONER SAID THAN DONE. Mr. Le Blanc.-A good fellow is one who studies Jeremy White, one of Oliver Cromwell's domestic deep, reads trigonometry, and burns love songs ; has chaplains, paid his addresses to lady Frances, the a most cordial aversion for dancing and D'Egville, Protector's youngest daughter. Oliver was told of and would rather encounter a cannon than a fancy it by a spy; who followed the matter so closely, that ball.
he pursued Jerry to the lady's chamber, and ran imHon. G. Montgomery.-A good fellow is one who mediately to the Protector with this news. Oliver in abhors moralists and mathematics, and adores the a rage hastened thither himself, and going in hastily, classics and Caroline Mowbray.
found Jerry on his knees, kissing the lady's hand. In Sir T. Wentworth.-A good fellow is one who at- a fury he asked what was the meaning of that postends the Fox dinners, and drinks the queen's health, ture before his daughter. White said, " May it who goes to the Indies to purchase independence, and please your highness, I have a long time courted that would rather encounter a buffalo than a borough- young gentlewoman there, my lady's woman, and monger
cannot prevail; I was therefore humbly praying her
A GOOD FELLOW.
THE LAST DEBT.