Surpris'd at such doings, he whisper'd his teacher And that bullock, the people, is sacrificed to it." ENGLISH FARMER AND A HOP-PLANTER. In the harvest season, when all the animal creation appears cheerfully industrious, if we congratulate the farmer on the noble prospect of his well-covered acres, he will shake his head; and, between a sigh and a grunt, he will answer you with-" Ah, but the straw is short!" If the straw is long, then he will tell you there is no substance in the grain. If there is but an indifferent crop, he laments that it will not pay the expense of housing and thrashing. If a plentiful crop, then he grumbles, corn will be so cheap, it will not be worth carrying to market. The hop planter rises, lifts up the sash, and looks over the horizon; if the morning happens to be cloudy, he pulls down the window with an oath, saying "It will rain to-day, and all the blossoms will be washed off!" If there should be a pleasant air abroad, then the poles will be all blown down. If the sun shines,-"O Lord! the plants will be burned up." If it is a close, dry day, without much sun-shine, or wind, then he wishes for rain to destroy the vermin, or else they will eat all the buds up. EPITAPH ON A LANDLADY. Assigned by Providence to rule a tap, A BORROWED COUNTENANCE. An officer of a disbanded regiment applying to the paymaster of the forces for his arrears, told him that he was in extreme want, and on the point of dying with hunger. The treasurer, seeing him of a jovial and ruddy aspect, told him that his countenance belied his complaint. "Good, my lord," replied the officer, "for Heaven's sake, do not mistake the visage you see, is not mine, but my landlady's; for she has fed me on credit for above twelvemonths." BIBLICAL FOP. A bookseller of Edinburgh had the exclusive right of printing bibles, and amassed a large fortune; his son, who was remarkably stupid, came very finely dressed into a ball room, upon which occasion the following epigram was written: The bible comes, in whose behalf But for want of taste, voices, and ears. (Spoken.) "Gentlemen of the Nightingale-club, you all know the rule: every gentleman must sing a song, or drink a glass of salt and water. Mr. Snuffle, I call upon you."-"I have got a cold in my head, but I'll try: let me blow my nose first, Blow high, blow low, &c." Bravo, bravo, very well sung; Thus the Nightingale-club gaily kept up their | clamour, And were nightly knock'd down by the president's hammer. When Snuffle haa finish'd, a man of excise, Whose squint was prodigiously fine, Sang "Drink to me only with thine eyes, And I will pledge with mine." After which Mr. Tugg, who draws teeth for all parties, Roar'd a sea-song, whose burthen was "Pull away, my hearties." Bravo, bravo, &c. GAMING AND FIGHTING. An officer having gained a large sum of money at Mr. Drybones sang next, who was turn'd of three-play, was requested the ensuing morning to accon score, And melodiously warbled away, "She's sweet fifteen, I'm one year more, And yet we are too young they say, But we know better, sure, than they.' Then a little Jew grocer, who wore a bob-wig, Struck up" Billy Pringle had von leetel pig; Not very leetel nor yet very big; But ven alive him live in clover; But now him dead, and dat's all over." (Spoken.) Come," said the president, "whose turn is it to give us a sentiment?-Mr. Mangle, the surgeon." "Sir, I'll give you, Success to the men who bleed for their country."--"And now, Mr. Dismal, we'll thank you for your song." "Sir, I'll give you something sprightly. (In a crying tone of voice.) "Merry are the bells, and merry do they ring. Merry is myself, and merry can I sing." Bravo, bravo, xc. pany a friend, as second, to the field. " You should have come yesterday," said the officer," to mak the request, for I then had time, but that is not the case to-day, my purse being full; but, if you must have a second, I advise you to seek the gentleman who lost what I have won; he is now not worth a sixpence, and will therefore fight like the devil himself." DOUBLE PENITENCE. A lady being at confession, informed the priest, that she had very early in life bad an illicit amour, and that a child was the fruit of the sin. "You must repent the shameful action," said the confessor. "Why should I repent?" resumed the lady, “when I find the boy an example of virtue?" "Well then," exclaimed the priest, "if that be the case, you must repent that you have no cause for repentance." PHILOSOPHIC RETORT. A proud, but ignorant peer, observing one day at a table, that a person, eminent for his knowledge Billy Piper some members call'd Breach of the Peace, and abilities, was intent on choosing the delicacies Because all his notes were so shrill, before him, said, Shriek'd out, like the wheel of a cart that wants dainties?" What! do philosophers love Why not?" replied the scholar. "Do you think, my lord, that the good things of this world were made only for blockheads ?" THE DEVIL'S HERIOT. A Sussex attorney dying a day or two after Lerd Chief Justice Holt, a wag observed, There never died a lord chief justice, but the devil took an attorney for a heriot." Barrymore happening to come late to the theatre, and having to dress for his part, was driven to the last moment, when, to heighten his perplexity, the key of his drawer was missing. "D-n it," said he, I must have swallowed it.' "Never mind," says Jack Bannister, coolly, "if you have, it will serve to open your chest." ADAM'S SLEEP. BAD AND WORSE. When it was the fashion to drink ale at Oxford, a humorous fellow established an alehouse near the pound, and wrote over his door, "Ale sold by the pound." As his ale was as good as his jokes, the Oxonians resorted to his house in great numbers, and sometimes staid there beyond the college hours. This was made a matter of complaint to the vice-chancellor, who was desired to take away his licence, by one of the proctors of the university. Boniface was sum-He laid him down and slept-and from his side moned to attend, and when he came into the vicechancellor's presence, he began spitting about the Dazzled and charm'd he called that woman ❝ bride," A woman in her magic beauty rose, room; this the chancellor observed, and asked what And his first sleep became his last repose. he meant by it? "Please your worship," said he, "I came here on purpose to clear myself." The vicechancellor, imagined that he actually weighed his ale, and sold it in that manner; he therefore said to him, "They tell me you sell your ale by the pound; is that true?" "No, an't please your worship," rephed the wit. "How do you then?" said the chancellor. " Very well, I thank you, Sir," replied the wit, "how do you do?" The chancellor laughed and said, "Get away for a rascal, I will say no more to you." The fellow departed, and crossing the quadrangle, met the proctor who laid the information; "Sir," said he, "the vice-chancellor wants to speak with you," and returned with him. "Here, sir," said he, "here he is." Who?" said the chancellor, "Why, Sir," said he, "you sent me for a rascal, and I have brought you the greatest that I know of." RARE VIRTUES. In praise of honesty and truth, 'Tis well-for both are fled from earth, COMPANIONSHIP. Two comedians having a wager about which of With cover'd head, a country boor His voice-"Take off your hat"—" Not I- "If through the hat 'twont reach the head." IRISH MEASUREMENT. A gentleman in Ireland having built a large house A bon-vivant one night told a friend that he intend-was at a loss what to do with the rubbish. His stewed to leave twenty pounds to be spent at his funeral; ard advised him to have a pit dug large enough to which induced the other to ask him, if the money contain it. "And what," said the gentleman, "shall was to be spent going or returning? "Going, to be I do with the earth which is dug out of the pit?" To sure," replied he, "for when you return I shan't be | which the steward replied, “have the pit made large with you!" Lenough to hold all.” THE FIRST OF SEPTEMBER, OR, THE CITY SPORTSMAN. DEAR SIR, This first of September, at five in the morn, Then my dogs round me whistled, I think these were all, Viz. Nimble and Bounce, little Gypsey and Ball; With such four fam'd dogs, but for what I can't tell, I expected no less than to bear off the bell; roam, Dislik'd staying out, so then nimbly ran home. to A third time I prim'd, and I loaded a third, "Twas a maxim, I thought, I might safely advance, The more powder and shot, the more likely the chance Then with four charges quickly I loaded my gun, Prim'd and ramm'd it down tight, which I scarce could get done Before up got a covey delightful to view, And as sore do I weep through the smart of my wounds KILLING NO MURTHER. FAIR PLAY. Mr. Curran, who was a very small man, having a dispute with a brother counsel, who was a very stout one, in which words ran high on both sides, called him out. The other, however, objected. "For," said he, "you are so little, that I might fire at you a dozen times without hitting; whereas the chance is, that you shoot me at the first fire."-" Upon my conscience, that's true!" cried Curran. vince you I don't wish to take any advantage, you all chalk my size upon your body, and all hits out of the ring shall go for nothing!" TO AN OLD COQUETTE. "But to con Tis not thy years that frighten me away, TO THE SAME. Be not disquieted, fond girl, in truth, TO THE SAME. I did not laugh-in spite of Celia's rage, IRISH SENSIBILITY. When an Irish dean was pilloried for a libel, a little ashamed of his elevation, he hired a chairman to hold an umbrella over his head during the painful cereTony, and for this service the doctor rewarded him PLEASURE AND PAIN. The late lord Erskine was one evening taken suddenly ill at lady Payne's; on her expressing a hops that his indisposition might not be serious, he answered her in the following impromptu :— 'Tis true I am ill, but I need not complain, For he never knew pleasure who never knew Payne." LORD WHARTON'S GRACE. When the whimsical lord Wharton was a stripling, and once came from school to the house of his father, who was a formal Presbyterian, and extremely deaf, the old nobleman invited the neighbouring gentry and their families to partake of an entertainment, on the anniversary of his birth. On dinner being served up, the young gentleman was ordered to say grace; when turning up the whites of his eyes, and assuming a puritanical countenance, he poured forth the following filial ejaculation : "I pray God to shorten HINT FROM THE PULPIT. Butler, duke of Ormond, was by queen Anne ap with a guinea. Next day the chairman called upon hen, when the doctor suspecting his drift, said, "My friend, what do you want; I thought I paid you yes-pointed lord lieutenant of Ireland; in going over to take terday very handsomely?" "To be sure, now," said Pat, "and so you did for the trouble; but, please your honour, consider the disgrace !" SICK MAN AND THE FRIAR. possession of his government he was driven by stress of weather upon the isle of lla, and was obliged to remain there some time, at the house of the minister, whose living brought him in about 221. per annum. He made the minister, whose name was Joseph, a present on his going away, and promised to do something more for him. Joseph waited with impatience at the not hearing further; at last he went over to Dublin, and got leave to preach in the cathedral, where he knew the duke would be. His text was: !"-But the chief Butler remembered not Joseph, but forgot him. The duke was struck with the words, and recollecting his old host, sent for him to dine with him, and gave him a living of 4001. per annum. "Repent," said a grey coated friar one day |