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Surpris’d at such doings, he whisper'd his teacher
A BORROWED COUNTENANCE. "If 'tisn't impertinent, may I ask, why
An officer of a disbanded regiment applying to the Should a bullock, that useful and powerful creature, paymaster of the forces for his arrears, told him that Be offer'd thus up to a blue-bottle fly."
he was in extreme want, and on the point of dying “No wonder," said t'other, “ you stare at the sight, with hunger. The treasurer, seeing him of a jovial
But we as a symbol of monarchy view it; and ruddy aspect, told him that his countenance belied That fly on the shrine is legitimate right,
his complaint. Good, my lord,” replied the officer, And that bullock, the people, is sacrificed to it.” “ for Heaven's sake, do not mistake : the visage you
MOORE. see, is not mine, but my landlady's ; for she has fed
me on credit for above twelvemonths." ENGLISH FARMER AND A HOP-PLANTER. In the harvest season, when all the animal creation appears cheerfully industrious, if we congratulate A bookseller of Edinburgh had the exclusive right the iarmer on the noble prospect of his well-covered of printing bibles, and amassed a large fortune ; his acres, he will shake his head ; and, between a sigh son, who was remarkably stupid, came very finely and á grunt, he will answer you with——" Ah, but the dressed into a ball room, upon which occasion the straw is short !" If the straw is long, then he will following epigram was written: tell you there is no substance in the grain. If there The bible comes, in whose behalf is bat an indifferent crop, he laments that it will not I'd speak, were rhyme unfetter'd; pay the expense of housing and thrashing. If a He's double gilt, and bound in calf, plentiful crop, then he grumbles, corn will be so But then he's quite unletter'd. cheap, it will not be worth carrying to market. The hop. planter rises, lifts up the sash, and
An uncle left in his will, eleven silver spoons to looks over the horizon ; if the morning happens to be his nephew, adding, “ if I have not left him the saying—" It will rain to-day, and all the blossoms dozen, he knows the reason.” The fact was the will be washed off!" If there should be a pleasant nephew had some time before stolen it from his reair abroad, then the poles will be all blown down. If the sun shines, -—" O Lord! the plants will be burned up." If it'is a close, dry day, without much The Nightingale-club in a village was held, sun-shine, or wind, then he wishes for rain to destroy Where the singers, no doubt, would have greatly ex
At the sign of the Cabbage and Shears ; the vermin, or else they will eat all the buds up.
cell’d, EPITAPII ON A LANDLADY.
But for want of taste, voices, and ears. Assigned by Providence to rule a tap,
Still between ev'ry toast, with his gills mighty red, My days pass'd glibly-till an awkward rap, Mister President thus, with great eloquence, said; Soine way like bankruptcy, impell’d me down ; (Spoken.) “ Gentlemen of the Nightingale-club, But up I got again, and shook my gown you all know the rule : every gentleman must sing a In gamesome gambols, quite as brisk as ever, song, or drink a glass of salt and water. Mr. Snufte, Blithe as the lark, and gay as sunny weather ; I call upon you. :-" I have got a cold in my head, Compos'd with creditors at five in pound, but I'll try: let me blow my nose first. Blow high, And frolick'd on till laid in holy ground. blow low, &c." The debt of nature must, you know be paid, Bravo, bravo, very well sung ; No trust from her.-God grant extent in aid? Jolly companions every one.
A GENTLE HIINT.
GAMING AND FIGIITING.
Thus the Nightingale-club gaily kept up their (Spokon.) Mr. Doublelungs, the butcher, was callclamour,
ed upon next. " And now, Mír. Doublelungs, we'll And were nightiy knock'd down by the president's thank you for a song. “Sir, I'll sing with all my hammer.
heart, liver, and lights.
I'll sing you the Echo-song When Snuffle had finish'u, a man of excise,
out of Comus, with my own accompaniments ; and Whose squint was prodigiously fine,
when a man echoes himself, he's sure to do it in the Sang “ Drink to me only with thine eyes,
right key. And I will pledge with mine.”
(In a shrill anıl deep-toned voice alternately, After which Mr. Tugg, who draws teeth for all parties,
“ Sweet Echo," &c. Roar'd a sea-song, whose burthen was
Bravo, bravo, &c. my hearties," Bravo, bravo, &c,
An officer having gained a large sum of inoney at Mr. Drybones sang next, who was turn’d of three play, was requested the ensuing morning to accon. score,
pany a friend, as second, to the field. “ You should And melodiously warbled away,
have come yesterday," said the officer, “ to make " She's sweet fifteen, I'm one year more,
the request, for I then had time, but that is not the And yet we are too young they say,
case to-day, my purse being full; but, if you must But we know better, sure, than they.'
have a second, I advise you to seek the gentleman Then a little Jew grocer, who wore a bob-wig, who lost what I have won; he is now not worth a
“ Billy Pringle had von leetel pig; sixpence, and will therefore fight like the devil Not very leet nor yet very big ;
himself.” But ven alive him live in clover, But now him dead, and dat's all over."
A lady being at coafession, informed the priest, (Spoken.) Come,” said the president, “ whose that she had very early in life had an illicit amour, and turn is it to give us a sentiment ?-Mr. Mangle, the that a child was the fruit of the sin. “You must repent surgeon." “ Sir, I'll give you, Success to the men who the shameful action," said the confessor. Why bleed for their country.".~" And now, Mr. Dismal, should I repent ?" resumed the lady, “ when I find we'll thank you for your song.” “Sir, I'll give you the boy an example of virtue ?" “Well then," exsomething sprightly.
claimed the priest, “ if that be the case, you must (In a crying tone of voice.)
repent that you have no cause for repentance.” “ Merry are the bells, and merry do they ring. Merry is myself, and merry can I sing.'
A proud, but ignorant peer, observing one day at Bravo, bravo, ar.
a table, that a person, eminent for his knowledge Billy Piper some members call’d Breach of the Peace, and abilities, was intent on choosing the delicacies Because all his notes were so shrill,
before him, said, What! do philosophers love Shriek'd out, like the wheel of a cart that wants dainties ?" Why not ?" replied the scholar. “ Do grease,
you think, my lord, that the good things of this world (in a squeaking tone.)
were made only for blockheads ?" * Deeper, and deeper still.”
THE DEVIL'S TERIOT. Mr. Max, who, all gin, wish'd to coo like a dove, A Sussex attorney dying a day or two after Lord Murmur'd sweetly “Oh! listen, listen to the voice Chief Justice Holt, a wag observed,
" There never of love,
died a lord chief justice, but the devil took an attorney Which calls my Daphne to the grove."
for a heriot."
THE LOST KEY.
BAD AND WORSE.
OXFORD ALE. When it was the fashion to drink ale at Oxford, a Barrymore happening to come late to the theatre, humorous fellow established an alehouse near the and having to dress for his part, was driven to the pound, and wrote over his door, “ Ale sold by the last moment, when, to heighten his perplexity, the pound." As his ale was as good as his jokes, the key of his drawer was missing. “D-n it," said he, Oxonians resorted to his house in great numbers, and I must have swallowed it."
“ Never mind," says sometimes staid there beyond the college hours. This Jack Bannister, coolly, “ if you have, it will serve to was made a matter of complaint to the vice-chancel- open your chest." lor, who was desired to take away his licence, by one
ADAM'S SLEEP. of the proctors of the university. Boniface was sum-He laid him down and slept—and from his side moned to attend, and when he came into the vice
A woman in her magic beauty, rose, chancellor's presence, he began spitting about the Dazzled and charm’d he called that woman “ bride," Toom; this the chancellor observed, and asked what
And his first sleep became his last repose. he meant by it? "Please your worship,” said he, "I came here on purpose to clear myself." The vicechancellor, imagined that he actually weighed his Two comedians having a wager about which of ale, and sold it in that manuer; he therefore said to them sung the best, they agreed to refer it to a friend, him, “They tell me you sell your ale by the pound; A day was accordingly agreed on, and both the paris that true ?”. “No, an't please your worship,” re- ties executed to the best of their abilities before him. phed the wit. “ How do you then ?" said the chan- As soon as they had finished, the arbitrator proceedcellor. “Very well, I thank you, Sir," replied the ed to give judgment in the following manner :-“As. wit,“ how do you do?" The chancellor laughed and for you, Sir, (addressing himself to the first) you are said, "Get away for a rascal
, I will say no more to the worst singer I ever heard in my life.”—Ah,” you." The fellow departed, and crossing the qua- said the other, exultingly, “I knew I should win drangle
, met the proctor who laid the information ; my wager.” “Stop, Sir," said the arbitrator, “ I "Sit," said he, " the vice-chancellor wants to speak have a word to say to you before you go, which is with you,” and returned with him. “Here, sir," this, that as for you, you cannot sing at all.” said he, where he is.” “Who ?" said the chancellor,
A BISHOP'S BLESSING. "Why, Sir," said he, " you sent me for a rascal, and I tave broughai you the greatest that I know of.” With cover'd head, a country boor
Stcod, while the bishop bless'd the poor ;
The mitred prelate lifted bigb In praise of honesty and truth,
His voice_" Take off your hat”-“Not IMen's busy tongues are never still,
Your blessing's little worth," he said, 'Tis well--for both are fled from carth,
“If through the hat 'twont reach the head." De mortuis nisi bonum nil, COMPANIONSHIP.
A gentleman in Ireland having built a large house A bon-vivant one night told a friend that he intend was at a loss what to do with the rubbish. His stewed to leave twenty pounds to be spent at his funeral; ard advised him to have a pit dug large enough to which induced the other to ask hin, if the money contain it." And what," said the gentleman, "shall was to be spent going or returning ? “Going, to be I do with the earth which is dug out of the pit?" To sure," replied he," for when you return I shan't be which the steward replied, " have the pit made large
Lenough to hold all."
THE FIRST OF SEPTEMBER, OR, THE CITY A third time I prim'd, and I loaded a third,
When close in the hedge a loud rustling I heard ;
I listen'd, and listen'd, then heard a soft strair, DEAR SIR,
Methought 'twas a blackbird, 'twould warble again; This first of September, at five in the morn, The dogs they all snuff'd sure there's nothing behind, The weather quite cloudy, the prospect forlorn, Some scent that attracts, and now plays on the wind; I arose from my bed, and without the least strife, Straight I levell’d my piece, for a raudom-like shot, Resign'd to the arms of another---my wife ;
Resolv'd what that might be, it should go to pot. Determin'd to Somnus her snorings to yield, The trigger I pull'd, and of course shut my eyes ; And join with brown Bess in the sports of the field. But when open again, how great my surprise! My volunteer musquet I clean'd over night, 'Tis true, 'twas a blackbird, according to Kemble And So! in his glory look'd scarcely so bright; 'Twas the Bird of a Jew-then all of a tremblem My pockets with powder and shot I did cram, 'Twas Moses the pedlar, who in greatest distress And sportsmanlike too, added chicken anı ham. Had crept into the hedge for what I can't guess. Straight I bied to the closet, and why should I not,
Now a little collected, the pedlar upsprung, Since by way of a cooler, I like something hot ? And assail'd my two ears with his voluble tongue. Nay I ne'er yet could manage my lodgings to bilk, I tendered him sixpence, which he took in a huff, So in wedlock's rum bands I soon join'd rum and As sixpence a singe was not money enough ; milk.
He thought for his fright and his beard I'd be willing Then my dogs round me whistled, I think these were To give him another, so make it a shilling. all,
But suppose, Master Moses, no more's to be had, Viz. Nimble and Bounce, little Gypsey and Ball; I've but one tester left, and that is rank bad; With such four fam'd dogs, but for what I can't " Ish it bad ?" he replied, with his neck on the crane, tell,
“Eesh, 'tish ball, my good Sir, but 'twill colour again." I expected no less than to bear off the bell; Having settled with Moses, and wip'd off the score, I expected each jolly good sportsman to beat, Such rare luck with three charges, I thought I'd try And to furnish my friends with a delicate treat, But poor borrow'd Bounce was as blind as a bat "Twas a maxim, I thought, I might safely advance, And knew not a hare from a tortoise-shell cat ; The more powder and shot, the more likely the chance And Gypsey, the terrier, her mistress's boast, Then with four charges quickly I loaded my gun, Stood staunch as a pointer, at nothing but toast. Prim'd and ramm'd it down tight, which I scarce There was Nimble, the greyhound, not given to could get done roam,
Before up got a covey delightful to view, Dislik'd staying out, so theo nimbly ran home. That I reckon'd at last on two brace for you ; As Ball, I was certain, would make the birds rise, For I took such an aim-still an unlucky elfI kept my piece pointed direct to the skies ; That I kill'd my three dogs, and I wounded myself. Soon up rose a bird, though I cannot tell what, Now, I think, my good Sir, in two hours or less, For I shut both my eyes to make sure of the shot; I've seen plenty of service with pretty brown Bess. But my musquet miss'd fire, a shocking disaster, Both my wife and my neighbours weep sore for my As the barking of Ball made the bird fly the faster
hounds, I then prim'd my piece, and I added a charge, And as sore do I weep through the smart of my wounds Determin’d the havoc next time should be large; Ah! they open afresh, I cannot write further, Again I took tim, (oh, unfortunate man!)
But remain, my dear Sir, yours, Again I had nought but a flash in the pan.
KILLING NO MURTHER.
PLEASURE AND PAIN.
TO AN OLD COQUETTE.
TO THE SAME.
TO THE SAME.
Mr. Curran, who was a very small man, having a The late lord Erskine was one evening taken suddispute with a brother counsel, who was a very stout denly ill at lady Payne’s ; on her expressing a hope one, in which words ran high on both sides, called that his indisposition might not be serious, he anhim out. The other, however, objected. " For," swered her in the following impromptu :said he, "you are so little, that I might fire at you a dozen times without hitting ; whereas the chance is,
“ 'Tis true I am ill, but I need not complain, that you shoot me at the first fire.”—“ Upon my con- For he never knew pleasure who never knew Payne." Klence, that's true!” cried Curran, “ But to con
LORD WHARTON'S GRACE. viuce you I don't wish to take any advantage, yo
When the whimsical lord Wharton was a stripling, suall chalk my size upon your body, and all hits out and once came from school to the house of his faof the ring shall go for nothing !"
ther, who was a formal Presbyterian, and extremely
deaf, the old nobleman invited the neighbouring genTis not thy years that frighten me away, try and their families to partake of an entertainment, But that thy youngest brother's hair is gray! on the anniversary of his birth. On dinner being
served up, the yourg gentleman was ordered to say Be not disquieted, fond girl, in truth,
grace; when turning up the whites of his eyes, and They laugh not at thy age, but at thy youth. assuming a puritanical countenance, he poured forth
the following filial ejaculation :I did not laugh-in spite of Celia's rage,
“ I pray God to shorten I dared not laugh-I've learnt to reverence age.
The days of lord Wharton,
And set up his son in his place; When an Irish dean was pilloried for a libel, a little
He'll drink and he'll w-e, ashamed of his elevation, he hired a chairman to hold
And ten thousand things more, an umbrella over his head during the painful cere With a grave and fanatical face.” Eway, and for this service the doctor rewarded him with a guinea. Next day the chairman called upon bia, when the doctor suspecting his drift, said, “My
Butler, duke of Ormond, was by queen Anne ap. friend, what do you want ; I thought I paid you yes- pointed lord lieutenant of Ireland; in going over to take cerday very handsomely?" "To be sure, now,” said possession of his government he was driven by stress Pa, and so you did for the trouble ; but, please of weather upon the isle of Wla, and was obliged to reyou: honour, consider the disgrace!"'
main there some time, at the house of the minister, whose living brought him in about 221. per annum.
He made the minister, whose name was Joseph, a From the Italian.
present on his going away, and promised to do someRepent,” said a grey coated friar one day thing more for him. Joseph waited with impatience To a reprobate wretch as expiring he lay,
at the not hearing further; at last he went over to As I came up the stairs I was frighten'd to see Dublin, and got leave to preach in the cathedral, The fiend who is waiting to seize upon thee.”. where he knew the duke would be. His text was : " You saw him then truly ?"-"Too truly, alas !"-But the chief Butler remembered not Joseph, but "And under what shape ?"'_“Under that of an ass." forgot him. The duke was struck with the words, “Well then," cried the sinner, “ I am not afraid, and recollecting his old host, sent for him to dine with You surely were terrified by your own shade.” him, and gave him a living of 4001. per annum.
HINT FROM THIE PULPIT.
SICK MAN AND THE FRIAR.