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And from his erudite relation,
Tende manus, Solomon.-Ego te de stercore tollam. Receiv'd a written invitation.
Sabbatha nostra colo, de stercore surgere nolo. Ilugh to the college gate repair’d,
Sabbatha nostra quidem, Solomon, celebrabis ibidem. And ask'd for Jones ;-the porter star'd.
Thus imitated “ Jones ! Sir," quoth he, discriminate,
CHRISTIAN “Of Mr. Joneses, there be eight."
What's here! neighbour Solomon,
stuck in a privy ! " Aye, but 'tis David Jones,” quoth Hugh ;
Come, cheer up, old lad, catch this rope that I Quoth porter, “ We've six Davids too." * Cot’s flesh,” cries Morgan, “cease your mockings,
give ye. My David Jones wears worsted stockings !"
Jew-Away with your infidel rope ! I disdain it; Quoth porter, “ Which it is, heav'n knows,
This day is my sabbath, I will not profane it. For all the eight wear worsted hose.”
CHRISTIAN–Stay there then : but hark ye! my sabMy Cot,” says Hugh, “ I'm ask'd to dine,
bath is Sunday; With cousin Jones, and quaff his wine.”
So you'll wait in your garden of sweets, Sir, till Mon* That one word, “wine,' is worth a dozen,"
During the reign of Frederick the Great, a Jew who You'll find your friend at number nine,
had acquired great wealth wished to quit Berlin, but We've but one Jones that quaffs his wine.”
dared not attempt it without the king's permission ; accordingly he made several applications, assigning
many reasons, the principal of which was for the Boulter, the famous highwayman, one day met a benefit of his health. Ai length the king sent him young woman in great distress, who told him that a the following reply: creditor had entered a house which she pointed out, “Dear Ephraim, and threatened to take her husband to prison for
Nothing but death shall part us, debt of thirty guineas. Boulter gave her thirty
FREDERICK." guineas, telling her to go and pay the debt, and set her husband at liberty, and she ran off loading him with thanks. Boulter, in the mean time, waited on An Israelite, who knew the character of William ! the road till he saw the creditor come out; he then Rufus, gave him a large sum of money to persuade attacked him, and took back the thirty guineas, be- his converted son to return to Jerusalem. Rufus did sides every thing else he had about him.
his endeavour, but in vain. “Well,” said he to the
father, " I have done what I could, but I have not sucA Jew, about two centuries ago, at Tewkesbury, fell ceeded. It is not my fault though, so we will divide into a filthy hole on Saturday, which, being the the money between us.” sabbath, he would not that day be drawn out for fear of breaking it. The earl of Gloucester hearing this ACCOUNT OF THE TWELVE JEWISH TRIBES BY THE
SPANISHI INQUISITION. news, forbade bim to be taken out the next day, our Sunday ; for that neither (he said) should the Chris The tribe of Judah treacherously delivered up tian sabbath be broken by him ; whereupon the poor our Lord, and thirty of them die by treason every man lying there till Monday, miserably died. There year. is a whimsical Leonine epigram, written in the thir The tribe of Reuben seized our Lord in the garden, teenth century, on this circumstance,
and therefore the curse of barrenness is on all they
DIVIDING A BOOTY.
THE JEW AND CIPISTIAN.
Sow or plant, and no green thing can flourish over
A gentleman about to take apartments at Clifton The tribe of Gad put on the crown of thorns, and Hot Wells, remarked that the stucco was broken upon on every 25th of March their bodies are covered with the staircase. “ It is very true," replied Mrs. blood from deep and painful wounds.
“ but I have had the places in question repaired so Those of Asher buffeted Jesus, and their right hand often, that I am tired of the trouble, expense, and is always nearly a palm shorter than the left. dirt; the mischief you see is occasioned by convey
Those of Naphthali jested with Christ about a herd ing coffins up and down stairs ; and this circumstance of swine, since when they are all born with tusks, like occurs so often, and the undertaker's men are so wild boars.
careless, that I really thought it labour in vain to The tribe of Manasseh cried out, “ His blood be on have it repaired, when, perhaps, I might have it to do us and our children," and at every new moon they are again in a fortnight.” tormented by bloody sores..
The tribe of Simeon nailed our Lord to the cross, and on the 25th of March, four deep and dreadful A sergeant in a regiment of foot, having snapped wounds are inflicted on their hands and feet. the blade of his sword asunder, got for the moment
Those of Levi spat on the Saviour, and the wind a wooden blade, till he could conveniently have the always blows back their saliva in their faces, so that proper one renewed. This coming to the ears of the they are habitually covered with filth.
commanding officer, he ordered the sergeant to bring The tribe of Issachar scourged Christ, and on the to the parade, from the black hole, his brother, a 25th of March blood streams forth from their shoul- private, confined there for drunkenness. The sergeant ders.
in due obedience, went with a file of men, and The tribe of Zebulon cast lots for the garments, brought his brother forward. The colonel then and on the same day the roof of their mouth is tor- addressed the private in a severe tone, thus-" You tured by deep wounds.
are, sirrah, such a drunken scoundrel, and have so The tribe of Joseph made the nails for crucifying long disgraced the corps, that I am determined you Jesus, and blunted them to increase his sufferings, shall at once have your head struck off, and your own and therefore their hands and feet are covered with brother shall be your executioner; kneel Sir, and you, gashes and blood.
sergeant, do your duty !” The sergeant entreated that Those of Benjamin gave vinegar to Jesus; they all there might not be imposed on him an office so shocksquint and are palsied, and have their mouths filled ing to his feelings; but all in vain, the commander with little nauseous worms, which, in truth, (adds our was inexorable. The sergeant then fell upon his knees, author) is the case with all Jewish women after the age and exclaimed, “ Pray, Heaven, hear my prayers ; of twenty-five, because it was a woman who entreated and, rather than I should be the slaughterer of my the tribe of Joseph not to sharpen the nails used for brother, may the blade of my sword be turned to the crucifixion of our Lord.”
wood! My prayers are heard,” cried he, drawing his
sword,“ my prayers are heard :" to the no sinall MERCHANT TAILORS,
entertainment of the commanding officer. A clergyman hearing a remark made on the hu
OUT OF SPIRITS. mility of the Merchani Tailors' motto, “ Concordia “ Is my wife out of spirits ?" said John, with a sigh, parvæ res crescunt,” replied, “ Yes, that is to say,
As her voice of a tempest gave warning: nine tailors make a man.'
" Quite out, sir, indeed," said her maid in reply $ 3
" For she finished the bottle this morning.".
ODE TO SAINT PATRICK
WRITTEN WHILE HALP TIPSY, OVER A SOLITARY
Yet ne'er the worse for that,
To honour thee, Saint Pat!
That ever Pope gazetted ;
Are very dcep indebted.
For forty days together,
The Riot-act, so frisky!
For Heaven's sake rain us whiskey!
Against thee, Par—what had he ?
TO NOTORIOUS AND CRAFTY LIAR, plection of books, in various languages, asked bun Who'er would learn a fact froin you
whether he understood them a!! ? The answer being Must take you by contraries :
in the affirmative, he rejoined, “ Surely, surely, broWhat you deny, perhaps is true;
ther, you must have had your head broken with a But nothing that you swear is.
brick from the tower of Babel."
An old uncle having a very beautiful niece, one day gave her a lecture on the inconstancy of mankind, and particularly cautioned her to beware of love. " Good heavens, Sir," answered she, what is there to fear from a child ?"
THE WIG, CANE, AND HAT.
An elderly gentleman sat ;
And a-top of his wig was his hat.
As the elderly gentleman sat; And bore from his head in a trice,
And flung in the river his hat. The gentleman then took his cane,
Which lay by his side as he sat : And he dropt in the river his wig,
In attempting to get out his hat. His breast it grew cold with despair,
And full in his eye madness sat; So he Aung in the river his cane,
To swim with his wig and his hat.
While this elderly gentleman sat;
And look for his cane, wig, and hat,
Overbalanced the rest of his fat, And in plumpt this son of a woman,
To follow his wig, cane, and hat.
A Kentish curate being one day at the house of a
* A person, called the Devil's advocate, en.ployed at the
canonization of Saints to blacken the characters of those brother clergyman, who showed himn a nunerous col-lehusen for that honour.
SHUTER TIE COMEDIAN.
A SAVING CLAUSE.
But, let them call thee what they will, was once so handsome, that as many would have
And when my race is over,
QUIN'S SOLILOQUY ON SEEING THE EMBALMED BODY
OF DUKE HUMPHREY :
A plague on Egypt's arts, I say,
Rich wine and spices waste ;
Like sturgeon, or like brawn shall I, in a principal city in the north of England. It hap
Bound in a precious pitkle lie. pened that the stage that he went down in (and in
Which I can never taste! which there was only an old gentleman and himself) was stopped on the road by a single highwayman.
Let me einbalm this flesh of mine, The old geatleman, in order to save bis own money,
With turtle fat and Bourdeaux wine, pretended to be asleep; but Shuter resolved to be
And spoil the Egyptian trade. even with him. Accordingly, when the highwayman
Than Gloster's duke more happy I, presented his pistol, and commanded Shuter to deliver
Embalm'd alive old Quin shall die, luis money instantly, or he was a dead man—“Mo A mummy ready made. dey!" returned he, with an idiotic shrug, and a countenance inexpressibly vacant—" Oh! Lud, Sir, they never trust me with any; for nuncle here always
It was customary with Marshal Bassompierre, pays for me, turnpikes and all
, your honour !" Upon where any of his solliers were brought before him for which the highwayman gave him a few curses for heinous offences, to say to them By God, brother, his stupidity, complimented the old gentleman with a you or I will certainly be hanged !" which was a suf' smart slap on the face to awaken him, and robbed ficient denunciation of their fate. A spy being dishim of every shilling he had in his pocket; while covered in his camp, was addressed in this language; Shuter, who did not lose a single farthing, pursued and next day, as the provost was carrying the wreich his journey with great satisfaction and merriment, to the gallows, he pressed earnestly to speak with the laughing heartily at his fellow-traveller
Marshal, alleging that he had somewhat of import ance to communicate. The Marshal, being made
acquainted with this request, exclaimed, “ It is the A minister catechising his parishioners, among the way of all these rascals ; when ordered for execution, rest called upon a woman of more confidence than they pretend some frivolous story, merely to repriere judgment, and asked her who died for her. “ Pray, themselves for a few moments :' however, bring the Sur," said she, “ let me alone with your taunts !" dog hither.” Being introduced, the Marshal asked He told her that this was no matter of taunting : him what he had to say?“ Wy, my lord," said the and asked her the same question again. Sir," re- culprit, “when first I had the honour of your conplied she, “ I have been an honest housekeeper these versation, you' was obliging enough to say, that either twenty years, methinks it does not become a man of you or I should be hanged: now I am come to know, your coat to mock me at this rate."-"What do'st whether it is your pleasure to be so; because if you mean, woman ?" replies the parson ;." I do not mock wou't, I must, that's all.” The Marshal was so you : I ask you who died for you ?" Then,” cried pleased with the fellow's humour, that he ordered she, “ if you will have the truth, in plain English, I him to be released.
“Well, good woman,” says I, “ since you An old French gentleman once complained that he will not light me a fire, I will light one for myself :* had been cheated by a monk, when one of that order, and in a moment the straw was all in a blaze. This being present, said to him—“I am surprised, Sir, quickly unkennelled the old fox : there he stood in that a person of your years and discretion should not an old rusty pight-gown, blessing himself, and look. yet know a monk! It is, however, never too late to ing like-a-hem-egad ! learn; and, for the future, let me advise you to be
Here I stand, gentlemen, who could once leap ware of four things : of a woman before, of a mule forty-two feet upon level ground, at three standingbehind, of a cart sideways, and of a monk every jumps, backward or forward : one, two, three-dart way.”
like an arrow out of a bow-but I am old now. 1 SPECIMEN OF BEAU NASI'S MANNER OF TELLING A with Count Klopstock, the great leaper, Jeaping
remember I once leaped for three hundred guineas
master to the Prince of Passau : you must all have I will tell you something to that purpose-that, I heard of him. First he began with the running. fancy, will make you laugh. A covetous old parson, jump; and a most damnable bounce it was, that is as rich as the devil, scraped a fresh acquaintance certain. Every body concluded that he had the with me several years ago at Bath. I knew him match hollow; when, only taking off my hat, stripwhen he and I were students at Oxford, where we ping off neither coat, shoes, nor stockings-mind me both studied damnation hard ; but that is neither – 1 fetched a run, and went beyond him one fool, here nor there. Well, very well. I entertained him three inches, and three quarters, measured, upon my at my house in John's Court – no, my house in John's soul! by captain Pately's own standard ! Court was not built then-but I entertained him with all that-the city could afford ; the rooms, the music, and everything in the world. Upon his leaving The wise men of Egypt were secret as dummies; Bath, he pressed me very hard to return the visit; · And even when they condescended to teach, and desired me to let him have the pleasure of see- They pack'd up their meaning, as they did their ing me at his house in Devonshire. About six months mummies, after, I happened to be in that neighbourhood ; and
In so many wrappers, 'twas out of one's reach. was resolved to see my old friend, from whom I expected a very warm reception. Well, I knocked at They were also, good people, much given to kings, his door : when an old queer creature of a maid
Fond of monarchs and crocodiles, monkeys and came to the door, and denied him. I suspected, Bats, hierophants, blue-bottle flies, and such things,
mystery, however, that he was at home; and, going into the parlour, what should I see but the parson's legs up
As will partly appear in this very short history. the chimney ; where he had thrust himself to avoid A Scythian philosopher, (nephew they say. entertaining me. This was very well.
*My dear," To that other great traveller, young Anacharsis, says I to the maid, it is very cold, extremely cold Stept into a temple at Memphis one day indeed ; and I am afraid I have got a touch of my
To have a short peep at their mystical farces. ague : light me the fire, if you please.” “ La, Sir!" He saw a brisk blue-bottle fly on an altar, says the maid, who was a modest creature, to be sure, Made much of, and worship’d, as something di“ the chimney smokes monstrously; you would not vine ; bear the room for three minutes together.” By the While a large handsome bullock, led there in a greatest good-luck there was a bundle of straw on halter, ihe hearth; and I called for a candle. The candle Before it lay stabb’d at the foot of the shrine.
TIIE BLUE-BOTTLE FLY.